March 18, 2011
Finally...The Final Blog Post
I had a few false starts with this "last official blog post" that I announced way back in October with this post here. The plan was to write my last post on the five-year anniversary of the blog, "Survivors Can Thrive!" This anniversary was November 14, 2010. But, life had other plans and I had a car accident on November 12, and then surgery for my injuries.
I thought about a few different things I would write for this post. Then, I had a little get together with a group of my friends that we sometimes call the "going deeper" group. It's a group of people that tend to have very little tolerance for idle chit chat and bullshit. We like to talk about "deep things." During our last get together, we drank wine and read each other our own obituaries that we had written for ourselves. Here is what mine said:
"The major accomplishment in the life of Marj McCabe was breaking the cycle of abuse. It was a cycle of child abuse--sometimes insidious, always heinous--that she was forced to inherit and had gone on for generations on both sides of her family of origin. Although this accomplishment took the excruciating work of therapy for much of her adult life, she never could have done it without the patience and love of her amazingly supportive husband. She never would have embarked on the perilous journey in the first place, had it not been for the immense love she felt for her own offspring. And while it never received the fanfare or recognition of other achievements having such great potential for positive impact on future generations, Marj could grasp its significance. And for her, it was enough."
Since writing that "obituary," I've thought a lot about just what is enough for me. One of the main reasons I started writing a blog is to find meaning for the abuse I suffered as a child. I'm not sure I've done that, but I have done a lot.
It was a very different world just five short years ago. Blogging was fairly new. When I first conducted a Google search with key words like"survivor," "thriver," "thrive," etc., I found very little out there. Most of the mentions about "survivor" were for the popular network television show of that name. Most of the results for "thrive" were for the insurance company who uses that word as a slogan in it's advertising campaigns. There was absolutely nothing when I looked up "thriver."
So, I got to take that name. I became Thriver. I used it on message boards and in forums, and I was the only one using that name when I first joined Twitter.
In the last five years, many more blogs and websites have started up about surviving and even thriving after child abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape, domestic violence, etc. Many books have been written on these important subjects. Many of us have been out there raising awareness and acting as advocates. There are some great advocates linked on Twitter, if you care to follow them as I do.
Now, when you google "survivor" or "survivors," you get results in the millions. The same is true for a search for "thrive." I'm happy to say that "survivors can thrive" brings back hundreds of thousands of result listings and even "thriver" will give you tens of thousands of results.
Another thing I've accomplished over the last five years was founding and growing The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. In June of this year, it will also be celebrating a five-year anniversary. I feel really good about that. Although I no longer maintain the carnival, it is going strong. You can follow it by clicking on the many links on the handy blog carnival widget you see on my sidebar.
So, what I'm doing now (in addition to the ongoing, ever-present therapy work) is taking classes and working on my certificate in botanical illustration. You can read about this dream of mine which is coming true in these posts here and here.
Yes, I'm finally following a dream of mine that I first had when I was an art major in college, 30 years ago. And, yes, I'm moving on with my life.
I guess it finally doesn't matter whether or not I find some "hidden meaning" for my abuse. I guess I've decided that finding meaning in my LIFE is enough. Going on with my life (after evil people tried to break me) is enough. Living a full life is enough. Enjoying a life of meaning and fulfillment is enough. All these things are more than enough for me. And I'm okay with that.
I thought about a few different things I would write for this post. Then, I had a little get together with a group of my friends that we sometimes call the "going deeper" group. It's a group of people that tend to have very little tolerance for idle chit chat and bullshit. We like to talk about "deep things." During our last get together, we drank wine and read each other our own obituaries that we had written for ourselves. Here is what mine said:
"The major accomplishment in the life of Marj McCabe was breaking the cycle of abuse. It was a cycle of child abuse--sometimes insidious, always heinous--that she was forced to inherit and had gone on for generations on both sides of her family of origin. Although this accomplishment took the excruciating work of therapy for much of her adult life, she never could have done it without the patience and love of her amazingly supportive husband. She never would have embarked on the perilous journey in the first place, had it not been for the immense love she felt for her own offspring. And while it never received the fanfare or recognition of other achievements having such great potential for positive impact on future generations, Marj could grasp its significance. And for her, it was enough."
Since writing that "obituary," I've thought a lot about just what is enough for me. One of the main reasons I started writing a blog is to find meaning for the abuse I suffered as a child. I'm not sure I've done that, but I have done a lot.
It was a very different world just five short years ago. Blogging was fairly new. When I first conducted a Google search with key words like"survivor," "thriver," "thrive," etc., I found very little out there. Most of the mentions about "survivor" were for the popular network television show of that name. Most of the results for "thrive" were for the insurance company who uses that word as a slogan in it's advertising campaigns. There was absolutely nothing when I looked up "thriver."
So, I got to take that name. I became Thriver. I used it on message boards and in forums, and I was the only one using that name when I first joined Twitter.
In the last five years, many more blogs and websites have started up about surviving and even thriving after child abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape, domestic violence, etc. Many books have been written on these important subjects. Many of us have been out there raising awareness and acting as advocates. There are some great advocates linked on Twitter, if you care to follow them as I do.
Now, when you google "survivor" or "survivors," you get results in the millions. The same is true for a search for "thrive." I'm happy to say that "survivors can thrive" brings back hundreds of thousands of result listings and even "thriver" will give you tens of thousands of results.
Another thing I've accomplished over the last five years was founding and growing The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. In June of this year, it will also be celebrating a five-year anniversary. I feel really good about that. Although I no longer maintain the carnival, it is going strong. You can follow it by clicking on the many links on the handy blog carnival widget you see on my sidebar.
So, what I'm doing now (in addition to the ongoing, ever-present therapy work) is taking classes and working on my certificate in botanical illustration. You can read about this dream of mine which is coming true in these posts here and here.
Yes, I'm finally following a dream of mine that I first had when I was an art major in college, 30 years ago. And, yes, I'm moving on with my life.
I guess it finally doesn't matter whether or not I find some "hidden meaning" for my abuse. I guess I've decided that finding meaning in my LIFE is enough. Going on with my life (after evil people tried to break me) is enough. Living a full life is enough. Enjoying a life of meaning and fulfillment is enough. All these things are more than enough for me. And I'm okay with that.
Labels: abuse, advocacy, anniversary, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, breaking the cycle, child abuse, domestic violence, family of origin, healing, journey, survivors, therapy, thrive, Twitter
January 04, 2011
Something In The Meantime
A little something in the meantime...while I am healing from my surgery...
Saw this today through a link on Twitter. This one really made me cry. Powerful.
Saw this today through a link on Twitter. This one really made me cry. Powerful.
Labels: abuse, advocacy, breaking the cycle, child abuse, child labor, child protection, human trafficking, sexual slavery
October 20, 2010
October Blog Carnival
Update; Friday, October 22: Tracie has the October edition of the blog carnival up at her blog. She's done a great job of organizing the posts. Thanks, Tracie! And thanks to all who participate and support our carnival each month. Go on over and do some reading & commenting, won't you? I appreciate you raising your awareness and helping us out with your advocacy.
***
Tracie, from the blog From Tracie, has graciously offered to be our host again for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She will host the October edition on Friday, 10/22.
Submissions don't have to have any theme this month, but hurry! The deadline is midnight tonight (U.S. Pacific time)--that's Wednesday, 10/20. Don't forget our regular submission categories of Poetry, Survivor Stories, In The News, Advocacy & Awareness, Art Therapy, Aftermath and Healing & Therapy. You can use this handy submission form link here.
***
Tracie, from the blog From Tracie, has graciously offered to be our host again for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She will host the October edition on Friday, 10/22.
Submissions don't have to have any theme this month, but hurry! The deadline is midnight tonight (U.S. Pacific time)--that's Wednesday, 10/20. Don't forget our regular submission categories of Poetry, Survivor Stories, In The News, Advocacy & Awareness, Art Therapy, Aftermath and Healing & Therapy. You can use this handy submission form link here.
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, Poetry, therapy
September 30, 2010
Fall Fallout
So, what's happening with Marj's annual "Fall Fallout," aka "Fall Freak-out" this year? Well, I'm only seeing my therapist once a week this time around and I even took last week off. There doesn't seem to be any need to stay somewhere else or have a therapy marathon in 2010. There seems to be a lot less panic than in previous years. So, that's all good.
But, I am dealing with a lot of grief and devastation. I've done quite a bit of grief work on my mother, but not so much on the old sperm donor. My father seems to be the focus of the therapy this year. After working through a lot of the panic and fear, I guess I'm ready to deal with the sadness and rejection issues that came from the man who was supposed to be my father. This man--who I wanted to be my Daddy--not only sexually abused me, but also systematically tortured me and broke my spirit, in addition to almost killing me on numerous occasions.
After crying and comforting this morning, I scratched out a poem. Here it is:
Nothing Human or Humane
Who are you?
How could you?
Force the innocence
From a precious child
Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?
Your eyes don't see
Your ears don't hear
My pain and tears
Never seen or heard
Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?
My cries and pleas
To show some mercy
Mean nothing
To your cold, dead heart
Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?
The darkest evil
Pours from you
As you torture beauty
to unrecognizable ugly
Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?
Copyright 2010, Marj McCabe ~ All rights reserved.
So, now I'm off to my therapist's office for a session. I will try to make it over to some blogs for a visit soon. I hope that the healing journey is kind to you today. And be kind to yourself, okay?
But, I am dealing with a lot of grief and devastation. I've done quite a bit of grief work on my mother, but not so much on the old sperm donor. My father seems to be the focus of the therapy this year. After working through a lot of the panic and fear, I guess I'm ready to deal with the sadness and rejection issues that came from the man who was supposed to be my father. This man--who I wanted to be my Daddy--not only sexually abused me, but also systematically tortured me and broke my spirit, in addition to almost killing me on numerous occasions.
After crying and comforting this morning, I scratched out a poem. Here it is:
Nothing Human or Humane
Who are you?
How could you?
Force the innocence
From a precious child
Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?
Your eyes don't see
Your ears don't hear
My pain and tears
Never seen or heard
Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?
My cries and pleas
To show some mercy
Mean nothing
To your cold, dead heart
Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?
The darkest evil
Pours from you
As you torture beauty
to unrecognizable ugly
Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?
Copyright 2010, Marj McCabe ~ All rights reserved.
So, now I'm off to my therapist's office for a session. I will try to make it over to some blogs for a visit soon. I hope that the healing journey is kind to you today. And be kind to yourself, okay?
Labels: abandonment, betrayal, broken, child abuse, comfort, feelings, grieving, inhumanity, Poetry, rejection, therapy
September 13, 2010
Inner Child: My Favorite Survivor Topic
Update, Friday, September 17th: Dan has the Inner Child Edition of our blog carnival up at his blog, Thoughts Along The Road To Healing. It's a large edition, with about 30 entries. And Dan has done a wonderful job organizing it. Thanks, Dan! We have several articles on the topic of the Inner Child: Honoring our Inner Child, Grieving, and Comforting our Inner Child, to name a few. So, why not take a spin at the carnival this month and comfort your inner child? Please take some time to read the entries and leave supportive comments at the blogs of these brave and awareness-raising bloggers. Thanks for your support of our carnival!
This month, Dan L Hays will host The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. And he's chosen my favorite survivor topic as the theme for this month's edition: The Inner Child. I've always loved writing about my inner child here at my blog and I already have a few posts on the topic that I can send along for this edition.
About his theme, Dan said, "As I have moved along my journey to healing, the concept of the inner child has been extremely important. As I have shared about it, others have echoed that sentiment! We will honor our inner child, and share how they have been a part of our path to healing!
This month, Dan L Hays will host The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. And he's chosen my favorite survivor topic as the theme for this month's edition: The Inner Child. I've always loved writing about my inner child here at my blog and I already have a few posts on the topic that I can send along for this edition.
About his theme, Dan said, "As I have moved along my journey to healing, the concept of the inner child has been extremely important. As I have shared about it, others have echoed that sentiment! We will honor our inner child, and share how they have been a part of our path to healing!
Please submit anything related to inner child and child abuse. As always, you do not have to limit yourself to this month’s theme. All submissions are welcome."
Our other, regular, submission categories are: Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. The deadline for this month's edition is midnight (Pacific time, U.S.) Wednesday, September 15. Dan will post the edition on Friday, September 17. So, get those submissions on your inner child and other topics in, folks! Thanks, as always, for your continued support of and participation in our carnival. You can use the handy widget you see there on my sidebar, or this submission form here.
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, healing, inner child, Poetry, therapy
July 19, 2010
Hey, There!
My husband and I had a wonderful, peaceful, rejuvenating time camping. It was a really special adventure in the gorgeous Colorado wilderness. I'm going to write a cool post about that and (hopefully) post some awesome photos that the hubby took.
But, today was a therapy day and I'm wiped. So, for now I'll just tell you that we have the July Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse coming up at Dr. Kathleen Young's blog. She's chosen an Independence theme for July's carnival.
About this edition she said, "My first thought was how fitting, given that today we celebrate Independence Day in the U.S. I then started thinking about the meaning of independence for survivors and our culture as a whole. For me, this naturally leads to thoughts about dependence, unmet dependency needs and interdependence. I plan to write more about all of that for my Carnival post later this month!
But, today was a therapy day and I'm wiped. So, for now I'll just tell you that we have the July Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse coming up at Dr. Kathleen Young's blog. She's chosen an Independence theme for July's carnival.
About this edition she said, "My first thought was how fitting, given that today we celebrate Independence Day in the U.S. I then started thinking about the meaning of independence for survivors and our culture as a whole. For me, this naturally leads to thoughts about dependence, unmet dependency needs and interdependence. I plan to write more about all of that for my Carnival post later this month!
Please submit anything related to independence, dependence or interdependence and child abuse. As always, you do not have to limit yourself to this month’s theme. All submissions are welcome."
Don't forget our regular submission categories of Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, July 21 and the edition will post on Friday (7/23).
I'm going to tie in my nature/camping post with my independence post and I'll see y'all then.
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, community, healing, Poetry, therapy, vacation
July 06, 2010
Going Through The Memories
So, I had a request in the comments of my last post that I will try to address here. I know, I know, I still have some guest blog and interview requests that I have yet to fulfill, but those folks aren't exactly coming to my blog every day, either. This is for a reader that I know wants to hear about something specific right now.
I feel very honored, actually. This new reader is coming to my dot com site, Survivors Can Thrive! and my blog at the referral of her therapist. I had no idea anything like that was happening. I'm am touched. And like I said, I feel honored.
This reader wanted to know if I had any advice about how to help her share an abuse memory during a counseling session, but, "not go through and experience it again in my mind." I told this reader that I always hesitate to give advice and that I am aware that each person's healing experience is different.
However, this is a huge survivor healing issue. At times, I am really struck by how much it sucks that someone else did this to us--abused us and caused trauma--but we are the ones who must be responsible for our healing and do the work to recover. But, this is the ironic reality.
Another ironic reality, that I have struggled to come to terms with in my own healing, is the fact that I have not been successful at finding any way to go around the painful feelings associated with the abuse. It sounds cliche, but for me, I have found that I really have to go through it to get to the other side. For me, this "other side" is life more in the moment, feeling safe, having functional (as opposed to dysfunctional) relationships, and no longer feeling completely disabled about the prospect of living my day-to-day life.
Now, before I launch into my battle cry of "feel the feelings; it's the key to healing," and you tune my pie-in-the-sky message out, let me tell you a little bit about how I came to this point and this conclusion.
First of all, you need to know that I have had many false starts in therapy and have really floundered many, many times. One of the reasons I blog and keep my dot com site going is in the hopes that some survivors reading about my story can avoid at least some of the long, drawn out, painful detours of recovery that I've experienced. For starters, I have been working on recovery from extreme child abuse, incest, torture, PTSD and a dissociative disorder for about 15 years. I think you could call me a therapy "veteran."
Now, I didn't even find out I had PTSD until about 10 years ago. Then, it took me a while to realize that a diagnosis of a dissociative disorder was appropriate for my situation. That came about eight years ago. I finally got a really excellent therapist who has a lot of expertise (over 20 years worth) in dissociation in January of 2007. You can read about how I started really (finally) working on my dissociative disorder in this post from 1/07 here.
Back before I found my current therapist--and after my family moved to Colorado--I was given the diagnosis of PTSD. At this time, I attempted EMDR. As many of us know by now, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. You can link to some EMDR sites on my dot com site's "Treatment & Research" page here.
My first experience with EMDR started out amazingly hopeful but almost ended in disaster. The practitioner that I went to the first time around promised me that the feelings I would experience surrounding a particular trauma memory that we would process in this way would be significantly reduced, or neutralized so to speak, at the end of a session. I want to say that there were times when I experienced this to actually be the case. Unfortunately, my first EMDR therapist neglected to get me appropriately grounded before we started doing EMDR and I became extremely re-traumatized.
I always tell folks, who ask me what I think about EMDR, how important I feel that the grounding piece is. Now, I'm not a doctor, and I would have a hard time advising anyone on exactly what they would need to do, individually, to get grounded before this type of therapy. But, I do advise that you look into the prospect of finding a T who is an expert in traumatic stress if you want to go this route. That person should know exactly what to do to help you get grounded before EMDR...and will know what this means. My second therapist here in Colorado is an expert in traumatic stress and he taught me many grounding exercises. Some of them I still do, almost on a daily basis. If you want to find one of these experts yourself, there are links to lists of therapists who are board certified experts in traumatic stress on the same Treatment page of my dot com site that I mentioned earlier.
But you know what? Reducing the feeling stress associated with my childhood trauma hasn't worked out to be the key to my healing at all. I didn't hear this battle cry of "Feel the Feelings" until I went down to the Colin Ross program down in Dallas in September of 2006. There is a link to the Colin A. Ross Institute For Psychological Trauma on my dot com Treatment page as well.
Down in Dallas, they were really big on "Feel The Feelings!" I didn't really know why at the time, but after I allowed myself to feel the buried feelings associated with my response to my childhood abuse, I would feel amazingly better. First, I would be amazed that the feelings didn't somehow kill me...then I'd feel devastated...then, slowly, I'd feel better...somehow more healed. One of the "Feel-The-Feelings" exercises I did with materials from the Ross program is talked about in this post here from December of 2006. It really gets into the feelings of grief and loss.
What I later learned is that my dissociated parts were keeping many of the feelings from me in order to protect me. A child just can't come face to face with those kinds of life-shattering feelings during the childhood abuse and still expect to be a kid, go to school, and grow up to be an adult. It was my dissociated parts who really needed to realize (and still continue this process today) that I am now not going to die when I get in touch with these feelings. Also, they need to know that they can now let go of their burden. I am the adult and I can carry it on my own now, with the help of my therapist.
One of the things my current therapist always comes back to, in regards to her training, is something called the BASK model. Unfortunately, I can never find much written about it. If I had a book on it, I would add it to my survivor-to-thriver library. I do know that it was developed by Bennett Braun as a model of dissociation. The letters in the BASK acronym stand for Behavior, Affect, Sensation and Knowledge. You can read a little bit about it using this link here.
Here's what I understand about BASK: First of all, my dissociation kept all Knowledge--the "K" in BASK-- of the sexual abuse and torture from my conscious awareness. But, I started to get clues to how my childhood abuse led to my disorder by my Behavior--the "B" in BASK. One of the classic behaviors I exhibited was gravitating toward other abusers. I had "Victim" stamped on my forehead for years. One of the "Sensation" mysteries that always astounded me was my extremely high tolerance for pain. But later, when I was diagnosed with PTSD and started therapy about my child abuse, I started having body memories of physical pain.
What was missing for such a long time was the "Affect" piece. These are my feelings and how I express them. If you--like me at one time--are walking around like a robot with a smile plastered on your face that doesn't seem sincere, I'm going to guess you are also not yet dealing with the feelings, and have little affect showing at this time.
My therapist firmly believes that I need to join all four of these BASK pieces--Behavior, Sensation, Knowledge and Affect--as they relate to my trauma memories, in order to stop relying on dissociation in order to cope...and to recover and heal. I have to say that I've come to the point where I agree with her.
It's an on-going process. I am continuing the journey. But, I am amazed and truly pleased that I am now finding myself much further down along the path than I ever thought I would be!
I feel very honored, actually. This new reader is coming to my dot com site, Survivors Can Thrive! and my blog at the referral of her therapist. I had no idea anything like that was happening. I'm am touched. And like I said, I feel honored.
This reader wanted to know if I had any advice about how to help her share an abuse memory during a counseling session, but, "not go through and experience it again in my mind." I told this reader that I always hesitate to give advice and that I am aware that each person's healing experience is different.
However, this is a huge survivor healing issue. At times, I am really struck by how much it sucks that someone else did this to us--abused us and caused trauma--but we are the ones who must be responsible for our healing and do the work to recover. But, this is the ironic reality.
Another ironic reality, that I have struggled to come to terms with in my own healing, is the fact that I have not been successful at finding any way to go around the painful feelings associated with the abuse. It sounds cliche, but for me, I have found that I really have to go through it to get to the other side. For me, this "other side" is life more in the moment, feeling safe, having functional (as opposed to dysfunctional) relationships, and no longer feeling completely disabled about the prospect of living my day-to-day life.
Now, before I launch into my battle cry of "feel the feelings; it's the key to healing," and you tune my pie-in-the-sky message out, let me tell you a little bit about how I came to this point and this conclusion.
First of all, you need to know that I have had many false starts in therapy and have really floundered many, many times. One of the reasons I blog and keep my dot com site going is in the hopes that some survivors reading about my story can avoid at least some of the long, drawn out, painful detours of recovery that I've experienced. For starters, I have been working on recovery from extreme child abuse, incest, torture, PTSD and a dissociative disorder for about 15 years. I think you could call me a therapy "veteran."
Now, I didn't even find out I had PTSD until about 10 years ago. Then, it took me a while to realize that a diagnosis of a dissociative disorder was appropriate for my situation. That came about eight years ago. I finally got a really excellent therapist who has a lot of expertise (over 20 years worth) in dissociation in January of 2007. You can read about how I started really (finally) working on my dissociative disorder in this post from 1/07 here.
Back before I found my current therapist--and after my family moved to Colorado--I was given the diagnosis of PTSD. At this time, I attempted EMDR. As many of us know by now, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. You can link to some EMDR sites on my dot com site's "Treatment & Research" page here.
My first experience with EMDR started out amazingly hopeful but almost ended in disaster. The practitioner that I went to the first time around promised me that the feelings I would experience surrounding a particular trauma memory that we would process in this way would be significantly reduced, or neutralized so to speak, at the end of a session. I want to say that there were times when I experienced this to actually be the case. Unfortunately, my first EMDR therapist neglected to get me appropriately grounded before we started doing EMDR and I became extremely re-traumatized.
I always tell folks, who ask me what I think about EMDR, how important I feel that the grounding piece is. Now, I'm not a doctor, and I would have a hard time advising anyone on exactly what they would need to do, individually, to get grounded before this type of therapy. But, I do advise that you look into the prospect of finding a T who is an expert in traumatic stress if you want to go this route. That person should know exactly what to do to help you get grounded before EMDR...and will know what this means. My second therapist here in Colorado is an expert in traumatic stress and he taught me many grounding exercises. Some of them I still do, almost on a daily basis. If you want to find one of these experts yourself, there are links to lists of therapists who are board certified experts in traumatic stress on the same Treatment page of my dot com site that I mentioned earlier.
But you know what? Reducing the feeling stress associated with my childhood trauma hasn't worked out to be the key to my healing at all. I didn't hear this battle cry of "Feel the Feelings" until I went down to the Colin Ross program down in Dallas in September of 2006. There is a link to the Colin A. Ross Institute For Psychological Trauma on my dot com Treatment page as well.
Down in Dallas, they were really big on "Feel The Feelings!" I didn't really know why at the time, but after I allowed myself to feel the buried feelings associated with my response to my childhood abuse, I would feel amazingly better. First, I would be amazed that the feelings didn't somehow kill me...then I'd feel devastated...then, slowly, I'd feel better...somehow more healed. One of the "Feel-The-Feelings" exercises I did with materials from the Ross program is talked about in this post here from December of 2006. It really gets into the feelings of grief and loss.
What I later learned is that my dissociated parts were keeping many of the feelings from me in order to protect me. A child just can't come face to face with those kinds of life-shattering feelings during the childhood abuse and still expect to be a kid, go to school, and grow up to be an adult. It was my dissociated parts who really needed to realize (and still continue this process today) that I am now not going to die when I get in touch with these feelings. Also, they need to know that they can now let go of their burden. I am the adult and I can carry it on my own now, with the help of my therapist.
One of the things my current therapist always comes back to, in regards to her training, is something called the BASK model. Unfortunately, I can never find much written about it. If I had a book on it, I would add it to my survivor-to-thriver library. I do know that it was developed by Bennett Braun as a model of dissociation. The letters in the BASK acronym stand for Behavior, Affect, Sensation and Knowledge. You can read a little bit about it using this link here.
Here's what I understand about BASK: First of all, my dissociation kept all Knowledge--the "K" in BASK-- of the sexual abuse and torture from my conscious awareness. But, I started to get clues to how my childhood abuse led to my disorder by my Behavior--the "B" in BASK. One of the classic behaviors I exhibited was gravitating toward other abusers. I had "Victim" stamped on my forehead for years. One of the "Sensation" mysteries that always astounded me was my extremely high tolerance for pain. But later, when I was diagnosed with PTSD and started therapy about my child abuse, I started having body memories of physical pain.
What was missing for such a long time was the "Affect" piece. These are my feelings and how I express them. If you--like me at one time--are walking around like a robot with a smile plastered on your face that doesn't seem sincere, I'm going to guess you are also not yet dealing with the feelings, and have little affect showing at this time.
My therapist firmly believes that I need to join all four of these BASK pieces--Behavior, Sensation, Knowledge and Affect--as they relate to my trauma memories, in order to stop relying on dissociation in order to cope...and to recover and heal. I have to say that I've come to the point where I agree with her.
It's an on-going process. I am continuing the journey. But, I am amazed and truly pleased that I am now finding myself much further down along the path than I ever thought I would be!
Labels: body memories, child abuse, dissociation, feelings, healing, journey, parts, PTSD, recovery, Survivors Can Thrive, therapy, torture, trauma processing
July 01, 2010
Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig!
So, we're back from our family trip. We had a nice visit with several friends. It was the most positive, pleasant, social interaction I have had for quite some time.
We drank good wine, ate delicious food, listened to live music and had nice conversation. I even managed to keep up some pretty good eating habits and did my morning walk four times while I was away. I might have gained a couple of pounds, but probably no more than two back from the nine I lost. Yeah!
I only had one dissociative "episode" while I was on this vacation. My son said something inappropriate and disrespectful and I got triggered. I managed to deal with him during this "learning moment" in an appropriate parental manner.
But, I heard a voice in my head responding with, "Just shut up. No one wants to hear anything you have to say." Yuck! I'm sure I heard that one--almost word-for-word--many times while growing up in my abusive household. Then, I noticed something else. I responded with my behavior as well. I did exactly that--I shut up. There's like this part inside me--a monitor--that notices when an idea starts to form in my head at these times. This monitor quickly spots the idea and squashes it down before it has a chance to become words that form on my lips. The idea is shut down before it can come out of my mouth.
I had a therapy session today and we talked about this quite a bit. It's a huge self-esteem issue. I'm sure it is closely related to my inability to finish my book and my habit of shutting down and not getting any writing done on my blog at times.
Ah, the work continues. I'm going to be coming around to your blogs in the next few days, now that I'm back in town and online, and see what YOU have to say. Because, I do care and I am interested in your thoughts, feelings and ideas. See you soon!
We drank good wine, ate delicious food, listened to live music and had nice conversation. I even managed to keep up some pretty good eating habits and did my morning walk four times while I was away. I might have gained a couple of pounds, but probably no more than two back from the nine I lost. Yeah!
I only had one dissociative "episode" while I was on this vacation. My son said something inappropriate and disrespectful and I got triggered. I managed to deal with him during this "learning moment" in an appropriate parental manner.
But, I heard a voice in my head responding with, "Just shut up. No one wants to hear anything you have to say." Yuck! I'm sure I heard that one--almost word-for-word--many times while growing up in my abusive household. Then, I noticed something else. I responded with my behavior as well. I did exactly that--I shut up. There's like this part inside me--a monitor--that notices when an idea starts to form in my head at these times. This monitor quickly spots the idea and squashes it down before it has a chance to become words that form on my lips. The idea is shut down before it can come out of my mouth.
I had a therapy session today and we talked about this quite a bit. It's a huge self-esteem issue. I'm sure it is closely related to my inability to finish my book and my habit of shutting down and not getting any writing done on my blog at times.
Ah, the work continues. I'm going to be coming around to your blogs in the next few days, now that I'm back in town and online, and see what YOU have to say. Because, I do care and I am interested in your thoughts, feelings and ideas. See you soon!
Labels: aftermath, child abuse, dissociation, self-esteem, shame, therapy, triggers
June 19, 2010
Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: Four-Year Anniversary Edition
Welcome to the Four-Year Anniversary Edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I can hardly believe that on June 19, 2006, I founded this carnival with the debut of our first-ever edition.
Trigger Warning: Understandably, the subject of child abuse can be disturbing. Please exercise appropriate self-care when reading the following posts. We all want to advocate and raise awareness, but remember to keep yourself safe!
I'll start this edition off with a post of my own that discusses Are We Leaving The Door Wide Open For Child Abuse?
It talks about some events from my son's school and our neighborhood that really got me thinking about protecting our children. I think it was one of the things that helped motivate me to start The Blog carnival Against Child Abuse.
Mike McBride, from Child Abuse Survivor, was in our very first carnival edition four years ago. Since then, he's been one of our most active monthly participants and hosts. Thanks for all you do, Mike! Here, he presents Anniversaries and says, "In honor of the 4th anniversary, I had a thought about looking back on your life on important anniversaries." Hey, great idea! Thanks, Mike!
Healing & Therapy
Dr. Kathleen Young, who will be hosting our carnival in July, has submitted Learning to Love Yourself After Trauma for June. She is a regular contributor to the Healing & Therapy category from her blog, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. This is a wonderful, healing post. I think any survivor could benefit from it. Thanks, Dr. Young!
Patricia Singleton presents Acknowledging Your Grief And Releasing It posted at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker, saying, "Since I have been doing some major grieving lately having to do with my incest issues, I am revisiting older articles like this that I wrote about grief." I have found that feeling the feelings is so key to healing from childhood abuse. And grief is an enormous feelings issue. Thanks for this offering, Patricia.
Splinteredones talks about a topic near and dear to my heart: looking at the transformation from survivor to thriver. The post is called Peeking Around The Corner from Splinteredones's Blog. I'm so glad you're taking a look, Splinteredones!
Rising Rainbow presents Half Empty.........or Half Full posted at My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder, saying, "It's amazing how much power can come from a change in perspective." So true! Thanks for that insight, RR. And thanks for joining us for the carnival again!
I am so sad that April_Optimist from the wonderful, healing blog, The Thriver's Toolbox, has decided to quit blogging. But, I respect and understand her decision. She was one of the first bloggers I came across in the blogosphere who was really showing us survivors how to thrive. April was also one of the first boggers to participate in the blog carnival and now she says good bye to us all in her post, Thank You All. In her remarks, April said, "I realize I wrote this as a farewell for my own blog but maybe it makes sense to submit it for the carnival too--because I think it's important to know one can reach this point. All the things I've come to know I hope every survivor comes to know--especially that he or she matters." Thank you April, for all your contributions, and for saying goodbye. I wish you well as you continue on your Thriver's journey.
I love all the posts we get for the Healing & Therapy category. It really shows me how important this issue is (duh, right?), and how much we are all working at healing, and how far along the healing path we are all actually progressing. I especially love this post, with this great title, Just For Today from the Hope For Trauma blog. It really touched my heart. When submitting this post, Hope For Trauma commented, "I have found many things along this journey of healing. However, it is the moments of everyday that make it all worth it. Sometimes just taking a moment is what the journey is all about. "
Another Healing & Therapy post from Splinteredones called, Sitting at songha as Ego attacks, tells the painful truth. But, it also tells a powerful story of hope. I really appreciate your writing Splinteredones!
Mike McBride, returns from Child Abuse Survivor, with a post called The Importance of Fun. Doesn't that have a wonderful ring to it? We can easily get caught up in the struggles of therapy and day-to-day survival. So, it's important to remember to stop and treat ourselves to some fun. Thanks for that message, Mike!
Poetry
Our first poem was inadvertently left out of the May carnival when it bounced to the host's junk mail folder. I'm sure glad she checked that folder and forwarded it on to me. While this post contains a poem from Amy at the Amy K. Sorrells blog, it really touched me when she provided the background that explained her struggle with, then release and acceptance of...JOY. The post is called, Joy: Lilacs In The Rain. Go give it a read. It's refreshing!
Here's another poem that was meant for last month, but I'm glad to showcase it here. It's a truly sweet and beautiful poem by Hope For Trauma, who runs the blog of the same name. The poem is called Clouds & Rain.
Rising Rainbow gives us The Innocence of Black from her blog, My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder. When submitting, RR commented, "What I feared most actually held the answer to what I needed to know the most."
Rising Rainbow gives us another poem, The Distant Watcher from My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder. This time she remarks, "The logic of a child blames her feelings for selling her out because it's too painful to keep the blame pointing where it belongs." So true, RR. This is a classic survivor issue and I'm glad you could work through it in your poetry.
Brown-eyed Amazon, from the blog of the same name, is new to our carnival. Welcome, Brown-Eyed Amazon! Here, she presents a very moving and well-written poem called, Masquerading Angel. Please go check out the poem and leave a comment welcoming BEA to our carnival. Thanks!
And finally for Poetry, Brown-Eyed Amazon returns with a truly heart-felt and touching poem called His Little Girl posted at Brown-eyed amazon.
Advocacy & Awareness
Tracie tells us in her post from her blog From Tracie, that I Tell My Kid NOT to Obey Adults. She remarks, "This is something that I just happened to have scheduled to post today. I hope it works for the carnival. I'm so excited about it being the 4 year anniversary. Thanks for all the hard work you have done over the last 4 years. You are amazing!" I think your post is perfect for the carnival, Tracie, and I think YOU are amazing for teaching your child that she has the right to choose whether or not anyone touches her for any reason. Kudos!
I just love the post submitted from Kate at Kate 1975's blog! It's called her Links Page/Resources For Survivors and it's a super cool resource list that has all kinds of helpful links we can use. It's got some great articles linked, covering healing topics like self-esteem, grounding and comfort skills. There are also some lesser-known topics covered, such as clutter issues, mother-daughter sexual abuse and therapist abuse. What a lot of work you have done, Kate! And what a valuable resource. Thanks for providing it.
Aftermath
From his blog, Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, Dan L Hays talks about the importance of knowing when to say goodbye in, Know When to Fold 'Em. I think this is an especially important life skill for child abuse survivors to learn, as many of our parents and members of our families of origin are toxic. Dan says, "This post is about letting go when it's time, and how different people handle it differently. But there might come a time when it's just necessary to say 'goodbye!'"
Speaking of Dan, he was the original host for this month. With travel plans getting in the way, he and I could not come up with a Friday this month that would work for both of us. But, then I found out that this month marked four years of our carnival and this was to be our anniversary edition, so I was pleased with the outcome that I would host June and Dan will host coming up in September. Dan wants to do an Inner Child themed edition, which I think is a great idea! As many of you know, this is one of my favorite survivor/thriver topics to talk about.
I hope Colleen, from, Surviving by Grace, won't mind if I run her post now, as it is an Inner Child themed post. It's called Learning to Play and I think it's just wonderful! I'm so glad you've discovered the importance of play, Colleen! And, don't worry; there are lots of inner child topics to post about. I promise I'll help you with some ideas come September, if you need any. ;)
I was tempted to put this next submission under the poetry category, because it does, indeed, contain a poem. But, it is about a huge survivor aftermath issue: guilt. Therefore, I left it under this category where the blogger had submitted it. It comes from Leslie, at Leslie's Illusions, and it's called Ashes of Abuse: Guilt. Leslie is new to our carnival. Welcome, Leslie! About her post, Leslie says, "Though I did not mention it in this post, I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I'm grateful for the blogging world that enables me to connect and share with other survivors." And we are grateful that you are sharing and joining us for the carnival. Thanks, Leslie!
Protect Your Joy from Protect Your Joy's blog, talks about the important issue of Self-Injury and her achievement of being self-injury free for 50 days. Kudos to you, Protect Your Joy! Thanks for sharing with us. The post is called, When I'm The Assailant.
Survivor Stories
Rick Belden presents broken bones and the father wound posted at poetry, dreams, and the body, saying, "Hi Marj, I see that you're hosting this month. Don't know if you've chosen a theme yet, but I thought this post I wrote back in November might be timely with Father's Day coming up." Although we didn't do a specific Father's Day theme this month, Rick's post is certainly timely. I've always appreciated Rick's moving poetry. For this post--while it does contain a powerful poem--I also appreciate Rick sharing some commentary and background. Thanks, Rick!
Our next post was submitted by Virginia who writes for at Tamara's House, which is a residential healing facility for female survivors of childhood sexual abuse, located in Saskatchewan, Canada. Awesome! Welcome to the carnival, Tamara's House! In this post, A Survivor's Triumph, a survivor they call "Rain" tells her story as a past resident of this healing facility. Thank you for sharing.
Finally, Tracie--who was our wonderful host for the carnival in May--has the courage to tell her own poignant survivor story in: From Tracie: Tracie's Story posted at From Tracie.
That concludes this anniversary edition. I don't think we have any theme lined up yet, but the host for next month is Dr. Kathleen Young, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. Submit your blog article to the next edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse by using our carnival submission form. Thank you all for your wonderful support and participation. You are the ones who make this carnival a continued success! Now, go forth and click links, read, and leave supportive comments at these blogs, won't you? I know you will and I thank you!
Trigger Warning: Understandably, the subject of child abuse can be disturbing. Please exercise appropriate self-care when reading the following posts. We all want to advocate and raise awareness, but remember to keep yourself safe!
I'll start this edition off with a post of my own that discusses Are We Leaving The Door Wide Open For Child Abuse?
It talks about some events from my son's school and our neighborhood that really got me thinking about protecting our children. I think it was one of the things that helped motivate me to start The Blog carnival Against Child Abuse.
Mike McBride, from Child Abuse Survivor, was in our very first carnival edition four years ago. Since then, he's been one of our most active monthly participants and hosts. Thanks for all you do, Mike! Here, he presents Anniversaries and says, "In honor of the 4th anniversary, I had a thought about looking back on your life on important anniversaries." Hey, great idea! Thanks, Mike!
Healing & Therapy
I feel bad that this first Healing & Therapy post was lost temporarily in the junk mail black hole of last month's host. This is a blogger, who I know from Twitter, who was encouraged to submit by another one of our valued Tweeps. The blog is called Protect Your Joy who said this when submitting: "Hope (Hopefortrauma) encouraged me to submit a post or two to your carnival. I am, honestly, very nervous to submit. Thank you for this Blog Carnival, it is always a blessing to read & an inspiration to survivors such as myself. Take care!" I'm so glad you could join us, Protect Your Joy, and I hope you will again, even if we do have technical difficulties sometimes. ;) Here's the wonderful post that shows great honesty, but also amazing hope for healing. It's called The Black Sheep, The Sick Child.
Dr. Kathleen Young, who will be hosting our carnival in July, has submitted Learning to Love Yourself After Trauma for June. She is a regular contributor to the Healing & Therapy category from her blog, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. This is a wonderful, healing post. I think any survivor could benefit from it. Thanks, Dr. Young!
Patricia Singleton presents Acknowledging Your Grief And Releasing It posted at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker, saying, "Since I have been doing some major grieving lately having to do with my incest issues, I am revisiting older articles like this that I wrote about grief." I have found that feeling the feelings is so key to healing from childhood abuse. And grief is an enormous feelings issue. Thanks for this offering, Patricia.
Splinteredones talks about a topic near and dear to my heart: looking at the transformation from survivor to thriver. The post is called Peeking Around The Corner from Splinteredones's Blog. I'm so glad you're taking a look, Splinteredones!
Rising Rainbow presents Half Empty.........or Half Full posted at My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder, saying, "It's amazing how much power can come from a change in perspective." So true! Thanks for that insight, RR. And thanks for joining us for the carnival again!
I am so sad that April_Optimist from the wonderful, healing blog, The Thriver's Toolbox, has decided to quit blogging. But, I respect and understand her decision. She was one of the first bloggers I came across in the blogosphere who was really showing us survivors how to thrive. April was also one of the first boggers to participate in the blog carnival and now she says good bye to us all in her post, Thank You All. In her remarks, April said, "I realize I wrote this as a farewell for my own blog but maybe it makes sense to submit it for the carnival too--because I think it's important to know one can reach this point. All the things I've come to know I hope every survivor comes to know--especially that he or she matters." Thank you April, for all your contributions, and for saying goodbye. I wish you well as you continue on your Thriver's journey.
I love all the posts we get for the Healing & Therapy category. It really shows me how important this issue is (duh, right?), and how much we are all working at healing, and how far along the healing path we are all actually progressing. I especially love this post, with this great title, Just For Today from the Hope For Trauma blog. It really touched my heart. When submitting this post, Hope For Trauma commented, "I have found many things along this journey of healing. However, it is the moments of everyday that make it all worth it. Sometimes just taking a moment is what the journey is all about. "
Another Healing & Therapy post from Splinteredones called, Sitting at songha as Ego attacks, tells the painful truth. But, it also tells a powerful story of hope. I really appreciate your writing Splinteredones!
Mike McBride, returns from Child Abuse Survivor, with a post called The Importance of Fun. Doesn't that have a wonderful ring to it? We can easily get caught up in the struggles of therapy and day-to-day survival. So, it's important to remember to stop and treat ourselves to some fun. Thanks for that message, Mike!
Poetry
Our first poem was inadvertently left out of the May carnival when it bounced to the host's junk mail folder. I'm sure glad she checked that folder and forwarded it on to me. While this post contains a poem from Amy at the Amy K. Sorrells blog, it really touched me when she provided the background that explained her struggle with, then release and acceptance of...JOY. The post is called, Joy: Lilacs In The Rain. Go give it a read. It's refreshing!
Here's another poem that was meant for last month, but I'm glad to showcase it here. It's a truly sweet and beautiful poem by Hope For Trauma, who runs the blog of the same name. The poem is called Clouds & Rain.
Rising Rainbow gives us The Innocence of Black from her blog, My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder. When submitting, RR commented, "What I feared most actually held the answer to what I needed to know the most."
Rising Rainbow gives us another poem, The Distant Watcher from My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder. This time she remarks, "The logic of a child blames her feelings for selling her out because it's too painful to keep the blame pointing where it belongs." So true, RR. This is a classic survivor issue and I'm glad you could work through it in your poetry.
Brown-eyed Amazon, from the blog of the same name, is new to our carnival. Welcome, Brown-Eyed Amazon! Here, she presents a very moving and well-written poem called, Masquerading Angel. Please go check out the poem and leave a comment welcoming BEA to our carnival. Thanks!
And finally for Poetry, Brown-Eyed Amazon returns with a truly heart-felt and touching poem called His Little Girl posted at Brown-eyed amazon.
Advocacy & Awareness
Tracie tells us in her post from her blog From Tracie, that I Tell My Kid NOT to Obey Adults. She remarks, "This is something that I just happened to have scheduled to post today. I hope it works for the carnival. I'm so excited about it being the 4 year anniversary. Thanks for all the hard work you have done over the last 4 years. You are amazing!" I think your post is perfect for the carnival, Tracie, and I think YOU are amazing for teaching your child that she has the right to choose whether or not anyone touches her for any reason. Kudos!
I just love the post submitted from Kate at Kate 1975's blog! It's called her Links Page/Resources For Survivors and it's a super cool resource list that has all kinds of helpful links we can use. It's got some great articles linked, covering healing topics like self-esteem, grounding and comfort skills. There are also some lesser-known topics covered, such as clutter issues, mother-daughter sexual abuse and therapist abuse. What a lot of work you have done, Kate! And what a valuable resource. Thanks for providing it.
Aftermath
From his blog, Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, Dan L Hays talks about the importance of knowing when to say goodbye in, Know When to Fold 'Em. I think this is an especially important life skill for child abuse survivors to learn, as many of our parents and members of our families of origin are toxic. Dan says, "This post is about letting go when it's time, and how different people handle it differently. But there might come a time when it's just necessary to say 'goodbye!'"
Speaking of Dan, he was the original host for this month. With travel plans getting in the way, he and I could not come up with a Friday this month that would work for both of us. But, then I found out that this month marked four years of our carnival and this was to be our anniversary edition, so I was pleased with the outcome that I would host June and Dan will host coming up in September. Dan wants to do an Inner Child themed edition, which I think is a great idea! As many of you know, this is one of my favorite survivor/thriver topics to talk about.
I hope Colleen, from, Surviving by Grace, won't mind if I run her post now, as it is an Inner Child themed post. It's called Learning to Play and I think it's just wonderful! I'm so glad you've discovered the importance of play, Colleen! And, don't worry; there are lots of inner child topics to post about. I promise I'll help you with some ideas come September, if you need any. ;)
I was tempted to put this next submission under the poetry category, because it does, indeed, contain a poem. But, it is about a huge survivor aftermath issue: guilt. Therefore, I left it under this category where the blogger had submitted it. It comes from Leslie, at Leslie's Illusions, and it's called Ashes of Abuse: Guilt. Leslie is new to our carnival. Welcome, Leslie! About her post, Leslie says, "Though I did not mention it in this post, I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I'm grateful for the blogging world that enables me to connect and share with other survivors." And we are grateful that you are sharing and joining us for the carnival. Thanks, Leslie!
Protect Your Joy from Protect Your Joy's blog, talks about the important issue of Self-Injury and her achievement of being self-injury free for 50 days. Kudos to you, Protect Your Joy! Thanks for sharing with us. The post is called, When I'm The Assailant.
Survivor Stories
Rick Belden presents broken bones and the father wound posted at poetry, dreams, and the body, saying, "Hi Marj, I see that you're hosting this month. Don't know if you've chosen a theme yet, but I thought this post I wrote back in November might be timely with Father's Day coming up." Although we didn't do a specific Father's Day theme this month, Rick's post is certainly timely. I've always appreciated Rick's moving poetry. For this post--while it does contain a powerful poem--I also appreciate Rick sharing some commentary and background. Thanks, Rick!
Our next post was submitted by Virginia who writes for at Tamara's House, which is a residential healing facility for female survivors of childhood sexual abuse, located in Saskatchewan, Canada. Awesome! Welcome to the carnival, Tamara's House! In this post, A Survivor's Triumph, a survivor they call "Rain" tells her story as a past resident of this healing facility. Thank you for sharing.
Finally, Tracie--who was our wonderful host for the carnival in May--has the courage to tell her own poignant survivor story in: From Tracie: Tracie's Story posted at From Tracie.
That concludes this anniversary edition. I don't think we have any theme lined up yet, but the host for next month is Dr. Kathleen Young, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. Submit your blog article to the next edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse by using our carnival submission form. Thank you all for your wonderful support and participation. You are the ones who make this carnival a continued success! Now, go forth and click links, read, and leave supportive comments at these blogs, won't you? I know you will and I thank you!
Labels: advocacy, anniversary, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, childhood sexual abuse, dissociation, feelings, healing, Poetry, self-injury, therapy
May 17, 2010
Blog Carnival: Hope & Joy Edition
FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2010 & THE CARNIVAL EDITION IS UP!
Tracie must have stayed up late, because she's already got our Hope & Joy Carnival up. Amazing! I'm glad we extended the deadline, because we got some more folks to join us at the last minute. It is now officially huge! There are over 30 posts in there. Wowie Kazowie! We've got a nice selection of posts under the Hope & Joy theme and some neat stuff to look at in our new Art Therapy category.
I can't thank you all enough for your continued support, contribution, promotion and enthusiasm of and for this awareness-raising carnival. I just love our survivor solidarity and community! :)
YET ANOTHER UPDATE, THURSDAY 5/20/10: Well, Blog Carnival dot com is back up and running now. I checked myself with my own submission and see that the form is now working as well. I just heard back from this month's host, and we've agreed to extend the deadline until midnight TONIGHT. Thank you all for you patience and perseverance. And thank you, Tracie, for being such a committed, patient and hard-working host--and for the first time hosting, too. Wow! :)
*****
Update: Wednesday, May 19, 2010: I do not know the cause, but apparently the website at Blog Carnival dot com is down. I can't get the widget on my sidebar to load, the submission form doesn't work, and I cannot get to the BC dot com home page. This has happened once before and they got everything up and running again fairly quickly. This time, it seems to be taking a bit longer. I don't know what the problem is or when it will be fixed. I'm sorry for the confusion and inconvenience. I will be in touch as information becomes available. Thank you for your patience.
On Friday, (That's this Friday, May 21) Tracie will be hosting our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She's just coming off of a weekend blog-a-thon, so I know she's tired. But, I think she's pumped, too! She's pumped with advocacy, awareness, doing good and changing the world. What perfect timing. I just know she'll be a great host.
She's chosen Hope & Joy for the theme for this month's edition. I told her that I thought this was timely, because I've really been experiencing some moments of pure, lighthearted joy this spring. If you're a survivor who's been through phases where those moments are quite few and far between like I have (and what survivor hasn't, really?), you know how much I appreciate these precious little moments.
What precious moments bring you joy and hope for a better tomorrow? In her announcement post for this carnival, Tracie said, "What is your hope, what do you hold onto when the healing path gets dark and it is hard to hang on much longer? What is your joy, what makes you smile and dance and laugh, even in the midst of pain? I fully believe that as survivors it is important to share our stories and our pains and our troubles. In this sharing we find a community, we find help and understanding, which is an important part of healing. We also need to share our hopes and joys, we need to give them freely to other survivors who may have lost sight of theirs."
The deadline is Wednesday, 5/19, midnight Pacific time (U.S.) for the Friday edition. In addition to the "Hope and Joy" theme, we still have our regular submission categories of Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories. You can use this submission form here. Thanks, in advance for joining us and spreading the hope and joy! :)
Tracie must have stayed up late, because she's already got our Hope & Joy Carnival up. Amazing! I'm glad we extended the deadline, because we got some more folks to join us at the last minute. It is now officially huge! There are over 30 posts in there. Wowie Kazowie! We've got a nice selection of posts under the Hope & Joy theme and some neat stuff to look at in our new Art Therapy category.
I can't thank you all enough for your continued support, contribution, promotion and enthusiasm of and for this awareness-raising carnival. I just love our survivor solidarity and community! :)
YET ANOTHER UPDATE, THURSDAY 5/20/10: Well, Blog Carnival dot com is back up and running now. I checked myself with my own submission and see that the form is now working as well. I just heard back from this month's host, and we've agreed to extend the deadline until midnight TONIGHT. Thank you all for you patience and perseverance. And thank you, Tracie, for being such a committed, patient and hard-working host--and for the first time hosting, too. Wow! :)
*****
Update: Wednesday, May 19, 2010: I do not know the cause, but apparently the website at Blog Carnival dot com is down. I can't get the widget on my sidebar to load, the submission form doesn't work, and I cannot get to the BC dot com home page. This has happened once before and they got everything up and running again fairly quickly. This time, it seems to be taking a bit longer. I don't know what the problem is or when it will be fixed. I'm sorry for the confusion and inconvenience. I will be in touch as information becomes available. Thank you for your patience.
On Friday, (That's this Friday, May 21) Tracie will be hosting our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She's just coming off of a weekend blog-a-thon, so I know she's tired. But, I think she's pumped, too! She's pumped with advocacy, awareness, doing good and changing the world. What perfect timing. I just know she'll be a great host.
She's chosen Hope & Joy for the theme for this month's edition. I told her that I thought this was timely, because I've really been experiencing some moments of pure, lighthearted joy this spring. If you're a survivor who's been through phases where those moments are quite few and far between like I have (and what survivor hasn't, really?), you know how much I appreciate these precious little moments.
What precious moments bring you joy and hope for a better tomorrow? In her announcement post for this carnival, Tracie said, "What is your hope, what do you hold onto when the healing path gets dark and it is hard to hang on much longer? What is your joy, what makes you smile and dance and laugh, even in the midst of pain? I fully believe that as survivors it is important to share our stories and our pains and our troubles. In this sharing we find a community, we find help and understanding, which is an important part of healing. We also need to share our hopes and joys, we need to give them freely to other survivors who may have lost sight of theirs."
The deadline is Wednesday, 5/19, midnight Pacific time (U.S.) for the Friday edition. In addition to the "Hope and Joy" theme, we still have our regular submission categories of Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories. You can use this submission form here. Thanks, in advance for joining us and spreading the hope and joy! :)
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, community, healing, hope, Poetry, recovery, therapy
April 21, 2010
Along The Path Of Healing: Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse
UPDATE, FRIDAY, APRIL 23: Enola has the April "Along The Path of Healing" edition of the blog carnival up! It is great. There are about 20 posts in there and lots of inspiration about healing and becoming whole after abuse. Please go on over, check out the posts and leave comments. Thanks to all the brave bloggers who participated this month and thanks to Enola for once again hosting our carnival and coming up with a great theme!
Enola is hosting our blog carnival for us again. Hooray, Enola! She has thought of a wonderful theme for this month: Along The Path Of Healing. About this themed edition, Enola says, "I've noticed that through my progress in recovery from child abuse, I've tended to align myself with others that are similarly situated along the path of the healing process. This is not a bad thing, but sometimes it helps to read posts from others that are at different stages than you. Whether it reminds you how far you've come or gives you hope to continue plugging along, reading about others' healing journeys can be inspirational."
So, this month, we want to hear about your healing process. Just what does healing mean to you? What does being "healed" look like to you? Enter the blog carnival this month and let's talk about it, shall we? Here's the submission form: http://blogcarnival.com/bc/submit_355.html
Enola is hosting our blog carnival for us again. Hooray, Enola! She has thought of a wonderful theme for this month: Along The Path Of Healing. About this themed edition, Enola says, "I've noticed that through my progress in recovery from child abuse, I've tended to align myself with others that are similarly situated along the path of the healing process. This is not a bad thing, but sometimes it helps to read posts from others that are at different stages than you. Whether it reminds you how far you've come or gives you hope to continue plugging along, reading about others' healing journeys can be inspirational."
So, this month, we want to hear about your healing process. Just what does healing mean to you? What does being "healed" look like to you? Enter the blog carnival this month and let's talk about it, shall we? Here's the submission form: http://blogcarnival.com/bc/submit_355.html
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, healing, therapy
March 29, 2010
Aware AND Alive: Finding Joy
Hey, folks. I'm back from Spring Break. We couldn't afford to fly anywhere this year and my husband wanted to save money by camping instead of staying in a hotel. I was afraid we were going to freeze our buns off! We had to drive all the way down to Sedona, AZ to find some sunshine and warmth, but it was worth the long road trip. We camped in Oak Creek Canyon where it was gorgeous. I've never slept so well on a camping trip. The sound of the creek was a wonderful lullaby!
Now that I'm back, I'm reading the posts in this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Mike at Child Abuse Survivor had such a wonderful idea. To help celebrate his Irish heritage and the Irish humor he so appreciates, Mike set up a theme for this edition of humor, joy and survivors finding happiness.
You know, child abuse is such a serious subject and we do need to be warriors fighting against it, raising awareness and working for prevention and recovery. But, we can also celebrate survivors finding joy, humor and a sense of wholeness and happiness. That's the whole reason I decided a long time ago to name my dot com site and my blog Survivors Can Thrive! Don't we all want to emerge from surviving and start thriving in our lives? Sometimes, while I'm down in the trenches of my own recovery, working on my healing, I forget that. Thanks for the reminder, Mike!
Yes, thanks indeed, Mike, for coming up with such an inspired theme. I am smiling reading these posts. I so appreciate our survivor solidarity where we can share our sorrows and our joys. Thanks to all for participating and thank you, in advance, for going to the carnival, reading and sharing your comments on the posts. You'll be glad you stopped by. Go get a smile! :)
Now that I'm back, I'm reading the posts in this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Mike at Child Abuse Survivor had such a wonderful idea. To help celebrate his Irish heritage and the Irish humor he so appreciates, Mike set up a theme for this edition of humor, joy and survivors finding happiness.
You know, child abuse is such a serious subject and we do need to be warriors fighting against it, raising awareness and working for prevention and recovery. But, we can also celebrate survivors finding joy, humor and a sense of wholeness and happiness. That's the whole reason I decided a long time ago to name my dot com site and my blog Survivors Can Thrive! Don't we all want to emerge from surviving and start thriving in our lives? Sometimes, while I'm down in the trenches of my own recovery, working on my healing, I forget that. Thanks for the reminder, Mike!
Yes, thanks indeed, Mike, for coming up with such an inspired theme. I am smiling reading these posts. I so appreciate our survivor solidarity where we can share our sorrows and our joys. Thanks to all for participating and thank you, in advance, for going to the carnival, reading and sharing your comments on the posts. You'll be glad you stopped by. Go get a smile! :)
Labels: appreciation, beauty, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, comfort, community, gratitude, healing, hope, inner child, journey, Poetry, thrive
March 21, 2010
Shamrocks, Carnivals & Spring Breaks
Happy spring, everybody! I don't know about you, but this has been a looooong winter for me. I am so happy to see the crocuses blooming!
I'm about to go out of town for a little road trip to celebrate my son's Spring Break. But, before I go, I wanted to make sure to let you all know about our next edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Mike, at Child Abuse Survivor, has graciously offered to host for us once again. I think he chose March as the month for him to host this year because he is Irish. And March is , of course, when we celebrate for, with and about our Irish friends with St. Patrick's Day. About this edition Mike said:
"I’ll be hosting the March edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse later this month, and given my own Irish heritage, and this being the month we celebrate the Irish with St. Patrick’s Day, I thought it would be appropriate to make the theme of this year one that speaks to the Irish part of me. Historically, Ireland has been a country of misery, and the Irish people have suffered oppression, famine, civil war, poverty... Yet, through it all, they maintain a sense of humor and know how to have a good time! I’ve always thought, as a survivor, that healing requires a little bit of that. In the midst of my worst days of trying to cope, I found that having those little moments of joy to look forward to, made it just a little bit easier. So, as part of this month’s carnival...I want to hear about how, as a survivor, you’ve managed to find the joy in life and have a good time! We’ll call it the “Life is Grand” category."
Of course, we will also have our regular submission categories of: Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. But, this month, Mike wants to hear some blog post stories about overcoming with joy and a sense of humor. I like his idea. It's inspired, isn't it? So, be thinking about this months' theme, won't you? The deadline for this month's edition is Wednesday, March 24. Our carnival edition will post over at Mike's blog on Friday, March 26. You can use this submission form here to send in a post. Thank you all for your continued support and involvement in our blog carnival!
I'm about to go out of town for a little road trip to celebrate my son's Spring Break. But, before I go, I wanted to make sure to let you all know about our next edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Mike, at Child Abuse Survivor, has graciously offered to host for us once again. I think he chose March as the month for him to host this year because he is Irish. And March is , of course, when we celebrate for, with and about our Irish friends with St. Patrick's Day. About this edition Mike said:
"I’ll be hosting the March edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse later this month, and given my own Irish heritage, and this being the month we celebrate the Irish with St. Patrick’s Day, I thought it would be appropriate to make the theme of this year one that speaks to the Irish part of me. Historically, Ireland has been a country of misery, and the Irish people have suffered oppression, famine, civil war, poverty... Yet, through it all, they maintain a sense of humor and know how to have a good time! I’ve always thought, as a survivor, that healing requires a little bit of that. In the midst of my worst days of trying to cope, I found that having those little moments of joy to look forward to, made it just a little bit easier. So, as part of this month’s carnival...I want to hear about how, as a survivor, you’ve managed to find the joy in life and have a good time! We’ll call it the “Life is Grand” category."
Of course, we will also have our regular submission categories of: Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. But, this month, Mike wants to hear some blog post stories about overcoming with joy and a sense of humor. I like his idea. It's inspired, isn't it? So, be thinking about this months' theme, won't you? The deadline for this month's edition is Wednesday, March 24. Our carnival edition will post over at Mike's blog on Friday, March 26. You can use this submission form here to send in a post. Thank you all for your continued support and involvement in our blog carnival!
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, breaking the cycle, child abuse, community, healing, Poetry, therapy
March 08, 2010
Women Changing The World For Our Children
Today is International Women's Day! Did you know?
As I was tweeting about it over at Twitter, I discovered a great article in the Huffington Post: International Women's Day: 11 Women Who Are Changing The World.
In this article, I learned that some of these women are changing the world through important child abuse prevention issues. Now that's some news I love to hear some coverage about!
First, there's Nujood Ali, a 12-year-old girl from Yemen. When she was only 10 years old, she was forced to marry a man in his 30's. Of course, Nujood's new husband forced himself on her. But, one day she was able to sneak away from her new "home" and go to the courthouse and request a divorce. She was successful at obtaining the divorce and now has returned to her family and her studies at school. She now has the chance to continue her childhood. She has written a book about her victory called, I am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced.
Then there's Waris Dirie, a supermodel and best-selling author who was born in the Somali desert and underwent genital mutilation at the young age of five. Now she is a tireless spokesperson and advocate working to end genital mutilation of girls. You can visit the website for her foundation here.
Next, meet Somaly Mam. Born into extreme poverty in Cambodia, Somaly was sold into sexual slavery as a child. Since escaping her captors, she has dedicated her life to helping other victims of human trafficking. Somaly's foundation helps human trafficking victims escape their plight and build the emotional and economic strength they need to build a future for themselves.
Finally, of Huffington's "11 Women Changing The World," I want to mention Eve Ensler. You may know her from her award-winning play, The Vagina Monologues. Eve is the founder of V-Day, a global movement to stop violence against women and girls. It's the perfect nonprofit to end my post with, as it raises awareness in the fight to stop many of the issues I've already mentioned including: rape, incest, female genital mutilation and sexual slavery.
Well, I'm done with the 11 Women Changing The World list for International Women's Day, but I'm not quite done with my post yet. I want to point out a couple of organizations that I get updates from on a daily basis, year round (not just on International Women's Day). These nonprofits are always calling attention to ways in which we can empower women to end the abuse of children.
One of my favorites--that I've been supporting for some time--is Equality Now. Right now, Equality Now is raising awareness and helping victims in these areas: girls sold into the sex trade in India; girls raped by their teachers in Zambia; and female genital mutilation in Somalia.
And last--but certainly not least--I support Women Thrive Worldwide. This is the organization I follow over at Twitter that told me today was International Women's Day in the first place! Many of the issues involving children that I've just discussed thrive in our world's poverty. Women Thrive Worldwide works to shape the U.S. policies that help women lift themselves and their families out of poverty. Click here to find information to help you urge your senator to support the GROWTH--Global Resources and Opportunities for Women to Thrive--Act.
Thanks for reading, clicking, linking and acting to support women changing the world for our children. And happy International Women's Day!
As I was tweeting about it over at Twitter, I discovered a great article in the Huffington Post: International Women's Day: 11 Women Who Are Changing The World.
In this article, I learned that some of these women are changing the world through important child abuse prevention issues. Now that's some news I love to hear some coverage about!
First, there's Nujood Ali, a 12-year-old girl from Yemen. When she was only 10 years old, she was forced to marry a man in his 30's. Of course, Nujood's new husband forced himself on her. But, one day she was able to sneak away from her new "home" and go to the courthouse and request a divorce. She was successful at obtaining the divorce and now has returned to her family and her studies at school. She now has the chance to continue her childhood. She has written a book about her victory called, I am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced.
Then there's Waris Dirie, a supermodel and best-selling author who was born in the Somali desert and underwent genital mutilation at the young age of five. Now she is a tireless spokesperson and advocate working to end genital mutilation of girls. You can visit the website for her foundation here.
Next, meet Somaly Mam. Born into extreme poverty in Cambodia, Somaly was sold into sexual slavery as a child. Since escaping her captors, she has dedicated her life to helping other victims of human trafficking. Somaly's foundation helps human trafficking victims escape their plight and build the emotional and economic strength they need to build a future for themselves.
Finally, of Huffington's "11 Women Changing The World," I want to mention Eve Ensler. You may know her from her award-winning play, The Vagina Monologues. Eve is the founder of V-Day, a global movement to stop violence against women and girls. It's the perfect nonprofit to end my post with, as it raises awareness in the fight to stop many of the issues I've already mentioned including: rape, incest, female genital mutilation and sexual slavery.
Well, I'm done with the 11 Women Changing The World list for International Women's Day, but I'm not quite done with my post yet. I want to point out a couple of organizations that I get updates from on a daily basis, year round (not just on International Women's Day). These nonprofits are always calling attention to ways in which we can empower women to end the abuse of children.
One of my favorites--that I've been supporting for some time--is Equality Now. Right now, Equality Now is raising awareness and helping victims in these areas: girls sold into the sex trade in India; girls raped by their teachers in Zambia; and female genital mutilation in Somalia.
And last--but certainly not least--I support Women Thrive Worldwide. This is the organization I follow over at Twitter that told me today was International Women's Day in the first place! Many of the issues involving children that I've just discussed thrive in our world's poverty. Women Thrive Worldwide works to shape the U.S. policies that help women lift themselves and their families out of poverty. Click here to find information to help you urge your senator to support the GROWTH--Global Resources and Opportunities for Women to Thrive--Act.
Thanks for reading, clicking, linking and acting to support women changing the world for our children. And happy International Women's Day!
Labels: acquaintance rape, advocacy, child abuse, community, genital mutilation, human rights, human trafficking, sexual slavery, Twitter
February 22, 2010
New Host: 30 Posts!
Sorry for the delay in this announcement, folks. I spent the weekend with the stomach flu. Yuck! The two-year-old that I watch once a week has started going to daycare now. She picks everything up there and then passes it on to me. *sigh*
What I wanted to tell you about is how impressed I am with IK over at Issue Knitting. She's a first-time Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse host and she's done a fabulous job of organizing 30 submissions for our February edition. The theme is birthdays and it's IK's birthday, too! So, go on over and click on the links, do some reading, leave some supportive comments and say "Happy Birthday" to IK, won't you? Thanks for your support and survivor solidarity!
What I wanted to tell you about is how impressed I am with IK over at Issue Knitting. She's a first-time Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse host and she's done a fabulous job of organizing 30 submissions for our February edition. The theme is birthdays and it's IK's birthday, too! So, go on over and click on the links, do some reading, leave some supportive comments and say "Happy Birthday" to IK, won't you? Thanks for your support and survivor solidarity!
Labels: Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, community, DID, dissociation, healing, inner child, therapy
February 17, 2010
A Part Is Born
Well, I was going to write about eugenics and explore "what if I had never been born" for the birthday-themed Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse this month.
TRIGGER WARNING! Some examples of dissociative outbursts and child abuse ahead. Please stay safe.
But, I had what felt like a set-back the other day. I got really triggered and reacted violently. I spent almost a whole day disparaging myself and even had some self-harm return. I tried so hard to pull myself back, but felt so out of control. I pulled out every grounding trick in the book. I did grounding exercises I haven't even thought of in years. But, it still took me about 24 hours to feel like myself again.
I was really disappointed because I allowed some behaviors to come out that I thought I had contracted against with various parts. I've discovered--and begun to work with--two new parts in the last few weeks. Maybe this is yet another new part who has no such contract with me. I'm not sure.
This got me wondering. Just how is a part "born" anyway? Mine seem to have come about for a whole plethora of reasons. Some are like full-fledged personalities and have tried to run away and start their own lives or have pushed me aside and tried to live life their own way with me out of the way, so to speak.
Some parts have very well-defined roles. Many of these roles are quite dysfunctional for my life now, so I've had to define and assign new roles to some parts. Other parts are what my T refers to as "partial splits," without much of a fleshed-out personality of their own at all. These splits seem to have come about for very specific, time-limited functions designed to keep me alive in my childhood's life-threatening situations.
For example, the first part I ever heard of by name--this was three years ago--was Nina. I was told she "comes out when we're in the shower." If you've ever read the account on my dot com site called, "A Fear Of Plastic Shower Curtains," You can understand why my helpless child self might have wanted to create a part just to take over when I need to take a shower. I haven't worked specifically with Nina via any kind of dialogue, but I have done EMDR on the shower torture incidents and I've done a lot of comforting and self-care work in therapy around this daily hygiene challenge.
In the very first chapter of The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook, Deborah Bray Haddock explains, "In systems where extreme splitting occurs, clients report a host of personality fragments created to do specific tasks, such as cooking, cleaning the house or going to school. Once the task is performed, the fragment becomes inactive."
In the book, The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization, the authors talk about "a fragment that has only a minimal set of response patterns to stimuli, life history, and range of emotion/affect but has knowledge for a short period of time." They go on to say that the actions of some of these fragments are very specialized. "Some...have a very specific purpose during traumatization."
In my case, I have another split or fragment, that I don't have a name for, who came about for the sole purpose of helping me hold my breath for a long time when my father would try to drown me in the bath water. I don't know much about these partial splits or fragments, but it makes sense to me that they would not be very developed if their survival purpose was quite distinct and unique to specific situations that I don't repeatedly come across throughout the day as I go about the business of life.
Then, I have some parts who I have named--or labeled--to match their functions. These functions are more broad than the two I've just mentioned, but still don't lead these labeled parts to control the body for any great length of time. There's Sentry, who I first started getting cooperation with in March of 2007. He was a great help to me when some creep followed me on the streets of Chicago once. Sentry is not afraid to get in any one's face in order to protect me. Unfortunately, he was getting up in peoples faces in inappropriate ways that didn't match present-day situations. So, I had to contract with him to stay located in an internal lighthouse and only "come to the rescue" if some stranger approaches me in a dark parking lot, or something like that.
I have another part I call Serena. But, she's not so much serene as she is still. That is, literally, her role: She keeps the body still so that there can be no self-harm or suicide attempts. I haven't felt her around much lately, but I sure coulda used her the other day when I slapped myself in the face seven or eight times. Luckily, I was able to stop myself rather quickly and vowed to engage in no further self-injury, even without any obvious help from Serena.
Whether my part splits are currently helpful in my day-to-day life, or the actions of these fragments are now dysfunctional for me as an adult living in a safe environment, I'm glad I'm learning about them. For a while, I was convinced that unless I found a part who had a high degree of autonomy and emancipation, I wasn't dealing with dissociated pieces of myself. This is one of the reasons why the "Man, I must be crazy" attitude persisted with me for such a long time.
If you are a dissociative child abuse survivor who is uncovering less complex personality fragments and doubting your diagnosis (or your sanity), I encourage you to read the two books I've mentioned in this post. There's a reason why even your smallest, simplest parts were "born" and you very well may be alive today because of them. So, even if I don't have a name for one of these partial personality fragments, I still make it a point to thank them. They helped keep me safe, they helped me stay sane.
TRIGGER WARNING! Some examples of dissociative outbursts and child abuse ahead. Please stay safe.
But, I had what felt like a set-back the other day. I got really triggered and reacted violently. I spent almost a whole day disparaging myself and even had some self-harm return. I tried so hard to pull myself back, but felt so out of control. I pulled out every grounding trick in the book. I did grounding exercises I haven't even thought of in years. But, it still took me about 24 hours to feel like myself again.
I was really disappointed because I allowed some behaviors to come out that I thought I had contracted against with various parts. I've discovered--and begun to work with--two new parts in the last few weeks. Maybe this is yet another new part who has no such contract with me. I'm not sure.
This got me wondering. Just how is a part "born" anyway? Mine seem to have come about for a whole plethora of reasons. Some are like full-fledged personalities and have tried to run away and start their own lives or have pushed me aside and tried to live life their own way with me out of the way, so to speak.
Some parts have very well-defined roles. Many of these roles are quite dysfunctional for my life now, so I've had to define and assign new roles to some parts. Other parts are what my T refers to as "partial splits," without much of a fleshed-out personality of their own at all. These splits seem to have come about for very specific, time-limited functions designed to keep me alive in my childhood's life-threatening situations.
For example, the first part I ever heard of by name--this was three years ago--was Nina. I was told she "comes out when we're in the shower." If you've ever read the account on my dot com site called, "A Fear Of Plastic Shower Curtains," You can understand why my helpless child self might have wanted to create a part just to take over when I need to take a shower. I haven't worked specifically with Nina via any kind of dialogue, but I have done EMDR on the shower torture incidents and I've done a lot of comforting and self-care work in therapy around this daily hygiene challenge.
In the very first chapter of The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook, Deborah Bray Haddock explains, "In systems where extreme splitting occurs, clients report a host of personality fragments created to do specific tasks, such as cooking, cleaning the house or going to school. Once the task is performed, the fragment becomes inactive."
In the book, The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization, the authors talk about "a fragment that has only a minimal set of response patterns to stimuli, life history, and range of emotion/affect but has knowledge for a short period of time." They go on to say that the actions of some of these fragments are very specialized. "Some...have a very specific purpose during traumatization."
In my case, I have another split or fragment, that I don't have a name for, who came about for the sole purpose of helping me hold my breath for a long time when my father would try to drown me in the bath water. I don't know much about these partial splits or fragments, but it makes sense to me that they would not be very developed if their survival purpose was quite distinct and unique to specific situations that I don't repeatedly come across throughout the day as I go about the business of life.
Then, I have some parts who I have named--or labeled--to match their functions. These functions are more broad than the two I've just mentioned, but still don't lead these labeled parts to control the body for any great length of time. There's Sentry, who I first started getting cooperation with in March of 2007. He was a great help to me when some creep followed me on the streets of Chicago once. Sentry is not afraid to get in any one's face in order to protect me. Unfortunately, he was getting up in peoples faces in inappropriate ways that didn't match present-day situations. So, I had to contract with him to stay located in an internal lighthouse and only "come to the rescue" if some stranger approaches me in a dark parking lot, or something like that.
I have another part I call Serena. But, she's not so much serene as she is still. That is, literally, her role: She keeps the body still so that there can be no self-harm or suicide attempts. I haven't felt her around much lately, but I sure coulda used her the other day when I slapped myself in the face seven or eight times. Luckily, I was able to stop myself rather quickly and vowed to engage in no further self-injury, even without any obvious help from Serena.
Whether my part splits are currently helpful in my day-to-day life, or the actions of these fragments are now dysfunctional for me as an adult living in a safe environment, I'm glad I'm learning about them. For a while, I was convinced that unless I found a part who had a high degree of autonomy and emancipation, I wasn't dealing with dissociated pieces of myself. This is one of the reasons why the "Man, I must be crazy" attitude persisted with me for such a long time.
If you are a dissociative child abuse survivor who is uncovering less complex personality fragments and doubting your diagnosis (or your sanity), I encourage you to read the two books I've mentioned in this post. There's a reason why even your smallest, simplest parts were "born" and you very well may be alive today because of them. So, even if I don't have a name for one of these partial personality fragments, I still make it a point to thank them. They helped keep me safe, they helped me stay sane.
Labels: aftermath, alters, birthdays, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, child abuse, dissociation, mapping, memory work, parts, self-care, torture, trauma, triggers
February 10, 2010
New Hosts Make The Carnival Go 'Round!
I want to introduce you to a new host for our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She will be hosting for February at Issue Knitting. We call her IK and she's not only hosting this month, she also celebrates her birthday this time of year. For this reason, we will be using a birthday theme for this carnival edition.
Here's what IK says: "As this month is the month of my birthday, I am suggesting birthdays as a theme. Birthdays are a reminder of our entrance into this world. Thus, birthdays may have an effect on abuse or the healing from such abuse. For me, birthdays have a bittersweet impression because of this. Additional tension and conflict during birthdays, resentment and guilt doled out, and a gratitude for being alive are all associated to birthdays for me. By no means is one required to submit something birthday-related. All are welcome!"
As usual, we still have our regular categories for submission as well: Survivor Stories, Poetry, Art Therapy, In The News, Healing & Therapy, Advocacy & Awareness and Aftermath.
But, I gotta tell ya, I really started thinking about this birthday theme. I think it must have been synchronicity; I go for months on end without attending church and then this past weekend, I not only went to a church retreat for women, but I also did a reading on Sunday morning. The topic Sunday was eugenics. The reason I was appropriate to do a reading is because I was one of the people attending church the day they asked for volunteers who had a parent who was diagnosed with a mental illness before they had children. This topic really got me thinking about what it would be like if I had never been born. So, I'll be writing a post about this and submitting it for the carnival.
Won't you please submit something, too? It doesn't have to be anything related to the theme, nor does it have to be a newly-created post. Just find something and send it in, won't you? I really want us all to support our new hosts. If I was limited to participating bloggers who have so generously hosted multiple times, we'd all have quite a bit of work to commit to each year, with twelve carnival editions to publish. New hosts are the lifeblood of this carnival. They do, indeed, make our Carnival Against Child Abuse go 'round!
The deadline for this month's carnival is Wednesday, February 17 and IK will have the edition up on Friday, 2/19. You can link to the submission form here.
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, community
January 26, 2010
Trauma Processing, Therapy & Counseling
I know a lot of us out here in the blogosphere have a "T;" a therapist we go to once a week, once a month, whenever. Some, like me, go through "therapy marathons," opting to go to T two or three times a week instead of going into the hospital for really intense processing work.
I've been in some form of therapy or another now, on a somewhat regular basis, for almost 20 years. Now, wait. Stay with me. Some of you who are rather new to therapy may be ready to shriek, "Eek! I'm outta here! I don't want to be in therapy that long! Who wants to be in therapy forever?!" I want to tell you that I'm one of the many unfortunate survivors who floundered around in the mental health system with an inadequate diagnosis for years. I didn't find out how severe my dissociative disorder was until just three years ago.
I didn't even know I had PTSD until after we moved to Colorado, less than a dozen years ago. My first official diagnosis was bipolar and I was put on Prozac. I have to give my first psychiatrist credit: He actually apologized to me a few years later and reversed my diagnosis. He told me that, while I had depressive episodes, my depression was situational, not cyclical. I wouldn't find out until just a year ago that what looks like "mania" on some occasions is actually the m.o. of one of my "let's-get-it-done-yesterday" parts.
Currently, I'm working with a woman who has over 20 years of experience working with dissociative patients. She's the "only game in town:" I'd have to drive over an hour each way to see another dissociative expert T in my state. I'm lucky to have her. Overall, I'm making tremendous progress with her. I've had no dissociative fugues or huge dissociative switching incidents that have been disruptive for over a year. I'm learning how to let some of my parts with even the toughest exteriors feel safe enough to have feelings and show their pain. I've given new "jobs" and crafted contracts with parts who I used to call "punishers." Now, we can talk about what they are protecting and what they are truly concerned about, instead of jumping to the dysfunctional reaction of self-harm. Just in the last few months, My T's told me she's even starting to see some--dare I hope it, much less say it?--integration. Hooray!
Before my current T, I was with an expert in traumatic stress and we made great inroads on trauma processing and getting my PTSD under control. I learned very useful grounding techniques and was able to vastly decrease my amount of nightmares and flashbacks. He also helped me learn how to greatly reduce my hyper vigilance and automatic startle response reactions. Heck, I can even go to a restaurant now and not be concerned about exactly where the exit (the escape route) is. I can sit at a table in a chair that is not backed up against the wall.
So, as you can see, I am grateful for my progress. I feel like I "shouldn't" complain. But, with all this great therapy "stuff," all the techniques the last two therapists I've had have pulled out of their well-educated and experienced bags of tricks, I feel like I'm missing something. What I miss, what I crave is counseling.
Does anybody out there know what I mean or feel the same way? Let me tell you what I'm talking about in my own experience. I know that some therapists do, indeed, give counseling because I had one--out of the many I've seen--who actually counseled me once. It was over a dozen years ago, back in Illinois, when I worked with her. I was a little put off, at first, by how "new-agey" she was, but I was immediately impressed by how compassionate and how spiritual (without being religious) she was, and by how much she cared. She also had great therapy techniques and ideas. But, what really moved me was her caring. Because she cared about me so much, she was very successfully able to counsel me on things that effected my day-to-day life. When I went in to see her for a session, we not only talked about my childhood abuse and my dysfunctional ways of coping; we could talk about anything.
I was so impressed with her and felt that her skills, empathy and advice were so needed, I drove three hours each way to see her!
Since that time--while I've had successful therapy and trauma processing sessions that could probably be sited in clinical training or published in some researcher's book--I've had very little counseling. I have a husband who is an only child and has lost both of his parents to cancer. Yet, I have no counselor to talk to about it (or really anything about my relationship with my spouse). I have a son who screamed at the top of his lungs with "colic" for seven months as an infant and now struggles with sensory integration, dyslexia and ADHD symptoms and has "twice-gifted" status at a school that does not meet his needs. Yet, I have nobody to counsel me on how to be the best parent I can be and how to squeeze out that last drop of patience and unconditional love I want to provide for him.
I understand that, when Mom is huddled in the closet in the fetal position or running away in dissociative fugues, PTSD and dissociative disorder therapy has to be the first priority. But, can't I ask for more? I'd like to have some counseling in the area of relationships.
In addition to me, my husband, son and sister each have their own individual therapists. My husband and son and I have gone to family counseling together. But, I have received next to nothing that I have found helpful or useful when I have asked either of my last two therapists to counsel me on my relationships with my husband, sister or son. Shouldn't the T I currently see, for up to four-and-a-half hours some weeks, be able to give me some useful advice on my current relationships? Aren't human relationships really what this life is about? I don't think the goal of all my hard work and intense therapy has been so I can be happier alone, living like a hermit in a bubble somewhere. I think it's been so that I can live my life in-relationship-with-beloved-others in a more functional, healthy, loving way.
Why do I feel sometimes--during the last eight years--that the only therapeutic success I've made is for some clinical study, or done in some cold, sterile research lab? Why do I keep feeling like I'm coming up against some "all-or-nothing" type of strategy? Can't I experience a more balanced approach?
I'll probably tell you about my therapy appointment from last week that prompted this line of bloggy questioning. But, for now, I wanted to publish a more balanced post, instead of just a rant. In the meantime, feel free to share your own experience in comments. Tell me what you think.
I've been in some form of therapy or another now, on a somewhat regular basis, for almost 20 years. Now, wait. Stay with me. Some of you who are rather new to therapy may be ready to shriek, "Eek! I'm outta here! I don't want to be in therapy that long! Who wants to be in therapy forever?!" I want to tell you that I'm one of the many unfortunate survivors who floundered around in the mental health system with an inadequate diagnosis for years. I didn't find out how severe my dissociative disorder was until just three years ago.
I didn't even know I had PTSD until after we moved to Colorado, less than a dozen years ago. My first official diagnosis was bipolar and I was put on Prozac. I have to give my first psychiatrist credit: He actually apologized to me a few years later and reversed my diagnosis. He told me that, while I had depressive episodes, my depression was situational, not cyclical. I wouldn't find out until just a year ago that what looks like "mania" on some occasions is actually the m.o. of one of my "let's-get-it-done-yesterday" parts.
Currently, I'm working with a woman who has over 20 years of experience working with dissociative patients. She's the "only game in town:" I'd have to drive over an hour each way to see another dissociative expert T in my state. I'm lucky to have her. Overall, I'm making tremendous progress with her. I've had no dissociative fugues or huge dissociative switching incidents that have been disruptive for over a year. I'm learning how to let some of my parts with even the toughest exteriors feel safe enough to have feelings and show their pain. I've given new "jobs" and crafted contracts with parts who I used to call "punishers." Now, we can talk about what they are protecting and what they are truly concerned about, instead of jumping to the dysfunctional reaction of self-harm. Just in the last few months, My T's told me she's even starting to see some--dare I hope it, much less say it?--integration. Hooray!
Before my current T, I was with an expert in traumatic stress and we made great inroads on trauma processing and getting my PTSD under control. I learned very useful grounding techniques and was able to vastly decrease my amount of nightmares and flashbacks. He also helped me learn how to greatly reduce my hyper vigilance and automatic startle response reactions. Heck, I can even go to a restaurant now and not be concerned about exactly where the exit (the escape route) is. I can sit at a table in a chair that is not backed up against the wall.
So, as you can see, I am grateful for my progress. I feel like I "shouldn't" complain. But, with all this great therapy "stuff," all the techniques the last two therapists I've had have pulled out of their well-educated and experienced bags of tricks, I feel like I'm missing something. What I miss, what I crave is counseling.
Does anybody out there know what I mean or feel the same way? Let me tell you what I'm talking about in my own experience. I know that some therapists do, indeed, give counseling because I had one--out of the many I've seen--who actually counseled me once. It was over a dozen years ago, back in Illinois, when I worked with her. I was a little put off, at first, by how "new-agey" she was, but I was immediately impressed by how compassionate and how spiritual (without being religious) she was, and by how much she cared. She also had great therapy techniques and ideas. But, what really moved me was her caring. Because she cared about me so much, she was very successfully able to counsel me on things that effected my day-to-day life. When I went in to see her for a session, we not only talked about my childhood abuse and my dysfunctional ways of coping; we could talk about anything.
I was so impressed with her and felt that her skills, empathy and advice were so needed, I drove three hours each way to see her!
Since that time--while I've had successful therapy and trauma processing sessions that could probably be sited in clinical training or published in some researcher's book--I've had very little counseling. I have a husband who is an only child and has lost both of his parents to cancer. Yet, I have no counselor to talk to about it (or really anything about my relationship with my spouse). I have a son who screamed at the top of his lungs with "colic" for seven months as an infant and now struggles with sensory integration, dyslexia and ADHD symptoms and has "twice-gifted" status at a school that does not meet his needs. Yet, I have nobody to counsel me on how to be the best parent I can be and how to squeeze out that last drop of patience and unconditional love I want to provide for him.
I understand that, when Mom is huddled in the closet in the fetal position or running away in dissociative fugues, PTSD and dissociative disorder therapy has to be the first priority. But, can't I ask for more? I'd like to have some counseling in the area of relationships.
In addition to me, my husband, son and sister each have their own individual therapists. My husband and son and I have gone to family counseling together. But, I have received next to nothing that I have found helpful or useful when I have asked either of my last two therapists to counsel me on my relationships with my husband, sister or son. Shouldn't the T I currently see, for up to four-and-a-half hours some weeks, be able to give me some useful advice on my current relationships? Aren't human relationships really what this life is about? I don't think the goal of all my hard work and intense therapy has been so I can be happier alone, living like a hermit in a bubble somewhere. I think it's been so that I can live my life in-relationship-with-beloved-others in a more functional, healthy, loving way.
Why do I feel sometimes--during the last eight years--that the only therapeutic success I've made is for some clinical study, or done in some cold, sterile research lab? Why do I keep feeling like I'm coming up against some "all-or-nothing" type of strategy? Can't I experience a more balanced approach?
I'll probably tell you about my therapy appointment from last week that prompted this line of bloggy questioning. But, for now, I wanted to publish a more balanced post, instead of just a rant. In the meantime, feel free to share your own experience in comments. Tell me what you think.
Labels: aftermath, alters, child abuse, dissociation, feelings, grounding, healing, PTSD, self-injury, therapy, trauma processing
November 13, 2009
My Parts Are Alive...
...With The Sound of Triggers!
Quick request, bloggy buddies, for you to send up a quick prayer, healing thought, positive vibe, etc. My therapist has been rearranging my appointments lately (still doing the double-time every week) because her mother is in the hospital. While I certainly feel for her and know she has her own life, this couldn't have come at a worse time.
I've got these little child parts telling me about torture memories that occurred outside the "family" and I seem to have had some parts who held all the triggering noises for me. Guess what? They're all PTSD and flashback-like now. It seems I'm triggered by just about anything that sounds like it has a motor in it.
I'm doing all I can to comfort and calm without the support of my T while she's out of town, but it's just all I can do to keep it together right now. Yesterday, I heard some motor noise--truck, street sweeper, I don't know--and a scared voice came out of my mouth saying, "It's coming closer. Where is it? I have to see it so I know how close it's getting!" This was quickly followed by a tearful crumpling. I've been ultra sensitive to sounds and having flashbacks today as well. So, I've had my MediaPlayer on all day, playing the same soft garden sounds/music over and over to cover up noises and calm my shattered nerves.
I'm doing a lot of work right now, but it can sure be filled sometimes with trauma triggers and fear. Thanks, in advance, for those thoughts, prayers and vibes, all.
Quick request, bloggy buddies, for you to send up a quick prayer, healing thought, positive vibe, etc. My therapist has been rearranging my appointments lately (still doing the double-time every week) because her mother is in the hospital. While I certainly feel for her and know she has her own life, this couldn't have come at a worse time.
I've got these little child parts telling me about torture memories that occurred outside the "family" and I seem to have had some parts who held all the triggering noises for me. Guess what? They're all PTSD and flashback-like now. It seems I'm triggered by just about anything that sounds like it has a motor in it.
I'm doing all I can to comfort and calm without the support of my T while she's out of town, but it's just all I can do to keep it together right now. Yesterday, I heard some motor noise--truck, street sweeper, I don't know--and a scared voice came out of my mouth saying, "It's coming closer. Where is it? I have to see it so I know how close it's getting!" This was quickly followed by a tearful crumpling. I've been ultra sensitive to sounds and having flashbacks today as well. So, I've had my MediaPlayer on all day, playing the same soft garden sounds/music over and over to cover up noises and calm my shattered nerves.
I'm doing a lot of work right now, but it can sure be filled sometimes with trauma triggers and fear. Thanks, in advance, for those thoughts, prayers and vibes, all.
Labels: aftermath, alters, child abuse, comfort, dissociation, memory work, PTSD, therapy, torture, trauma, triggers
