July 21, 2010
Freedom Is A Natural High
For this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, our host, Dr. Kathleen Young, wanted to do an Independence or Freedom theme in honor of Independence Day (July 4th) here in the U.S. My recent wilderness camping trip really got me thinking about when I feel the most free. It is definitely when I am out in nature.When I am looking at a glorious sunset, taking a wildflower hike or watching birds, I feel like everything can be right with the world. At these precious moments, I believe that I totally belong. I am not a freak or an alien, but part of the intricate web of life.
Maybe the nature fix is so good for me because I've grieved over the fact that the "parenting" I received as a child was anything but natural. It is not natural for a mother to have no protective instinct for her offspring. It is not natural when predators reduce their victims to something less than human; stripping them of their inborn right to humanity, respect and dignity.
This leads me to another thing that Dr. Young said when she called for submissions for this carnival: "My first thought was how fitting, given that today we celebrate Independence Day in the U.S. I then started thinking about the meaning of independence for survivors and our culture as a whole. For me, this naturally leads to thoughts about dependence, unmet dependency needs and interdependence." I believe that all God's creatures are interdependent because we are all connected. What we choose to do in our lives has global and universal consequences. Because we are all connected, we cannot pretend that our actions do not effect the lives of beloved, divine others.
I also firmly believe that people who are damaged and afraid--not willing to look at the wounds they need to heal--allow evil to enter in because they do not feel connected. They don't feel connected to God, to nature, to other human beings.
Maybe, for me, it was something as simple as my constant habit of tree climbing during my childhood summers that kept me open to my connection with nature. Whatever it was, I have always found nature healing and comforting. I'm so glad that my love of nature helped me to stay connected to the divine and, eventually, succeed at breaking the multi-generational cycle of abuse from my "family" of origin.
I now have a new family that I've created with my husband and son. And, I will always have my universal family; a belonging with all God's creation.I belong.
I am connected.
And I am free.
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, appreciation, beauty, being human, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, breaking the cycle, comfort, freedom, grounding, human dignity
March 29, 2010
Aware AND Alive: Finding Joy
Hey, folks. I'm back from Spring Break. We couldn't afford to fly anywhere this year and my husband wanted to save money by camping instead of staying in a hotel. I was afraid we were going to freeze our buns off! We had to drive all the way down to Sedona, AZ to find some sunshine and warmth, but it was worth the long road trip. We camped in Oak Creek Canyon where it was gorgeous. I've never slept so well on a camping trip. The sound of the creek was a wonderful lullaby!
Now that I'm back, I'm reading the posts in this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Mike at Child Abuse Survivor had such a wonderful idea. To help celebrate his Irish heritage and the Irish humor he so appreciates, Mike set up a theme for this edition of humor, joy and survivors finding happiness.
You know, child abuse is such a serious subject and we do need to be warriors fighting against it, raising awareness and working for prevention and recovery. But, we can also celebrate survivors finding joy, humor and a sense of wholeness and happiness. That's the whole reason I decided a long time ago to name my dot com site and my blog Survivors Can Thrive! Don't we all want to emerge from surviving and start thriving in our lives? Sometimes, while I'm down in the trenches of my own recovery, working on my healing, I forget that. Thanks for the reminder, Mike!
Yes, thanks indeed, Mike, for coming up with such an inspired theme. I am smiling reading these posts. I so appreciate our survivor solidarity where we can share our sorrows and our joys. Thanks to all for participating and thank you, in advance, for going to the carnival, reading and sharing your comments on the posts. You'll be glad you stopped by. Go get a smile! :)
Now that I'm back, I'm reading the posts in this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Mike at Child Abuse Survivor had such a wonderful idea. To help celebrate his Irish heritage and the Irish humor he so appreciates, Mike set up a theme for this edition of humor, joy and survivors finding happiness.
You know, child abuse is such a serious subject and we do need to be warriors fighting against it, raising awareness and working for prevention and recovery. But, we can also celebrate survivors finding joy, humor and a sense of wholeness and happiness. That's the whole reason I decided a long time ago to name my dot com site and my blog Survivors Can Thrive! Don't we all want to emerge from surviving and start thriving in our lives? Sometimes, while I'm down in the trenches of my own recovery, working on my healing, I forget that. Thanks for the reminder, Mike!
Yes, thanks indeed, Mike, for coming up with such an inspired theme. I am smiling reading these posts. I so appreciate our survivor solidarity where we can share our sorrows and our joys. Thanks to all for participating and thank you, in advance, for going to the carnival, reading and sharing your comments on the posts. You'll be glad you stopped by. Go get a smile! :)
Labels: appreciation, beauty, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, comfort, community, gratitude, healing, hope, inner child, journey, Poetry, thrive
December 14, 2009
The Gift of Gratitude
I want to take some time out of the busy holiday schedule (which doesn't seem to be triggering me this year, thank God) to let each of my bloggy buddies know that I am grateful for your friendship. Your support and kind words always mean such a great deal to me. I want you all to know that. Each one of you is special and has a special place in my heart. Thank you!
My holiday wish for you is that the spirit of the season brings you true comfort and joy.
My holiday wish for you is that the spirit of the season brings you true comfort and joy.
Labels: beauty, collage, comfort, community, connection, gratitude, support, survivors
October 02, 2009
You Are Beautiful. Yes You!
If you couldn't tell, I'm really enjoying my experience and the community over at Polyvore. I discover new things there all the time (at least when my computer is cooperating). The other day I stumbled onto something that reminded me that I--we all--need this reminder: We are beautiful! I think it is so easy for survivors to think that they are ugly. Especially if we are in therapy or doing memory work, we have to stare ugly in the face. But, we are beautiful. Let's remember that.
I'm posting this collage, aka "set" of Chloe's, which is the reminder for me that started it all. Turns out, she was inspired by a campaign called Operation Beautiful. Through this campaign, people are leaving reminders--posty notes--all over the world to spread the "you are beautiful" love. Cool, huh? You can go to the Operation Beautiful website and get instructions on how to get involved and find out how to have your own posted note...er posted! ;)
And as a final reminder of your beauty, I will leave a copy of my poem, "Your Beauty" below for your reading enjoyment. Have a beautiful day!
Your Beauty
I'm posting this collage, aka "set" of Chloe's, which is the reminder for me that started it all. Turns out, she was inspired by a campaign called Operation Beautiful. Through this campaign, people are leaving reminders--posty notes--all over the world to spread the "you are beautiful" love. Cool, huh? You can go to the Operation Beautiful website and get instructions on how to get involved and find out how to have your own posted note...er posted! ;)
And as a final reminder of your beauty, I will leave a copy of my poem, "Your Beauty" below for your reading enjoyment. Have a beautiful day!
Your Beauty
I see the beauty you can’t see
You’re unaware of what it does for me
It’s the light shining in your eyes
Lifting me up to brighter skies
Still you walk around
And you hang your head
Sometimes wishing
You were dead
But if you could see
What I see in you
There’d be nothing, love,
That you could not do.
Labels: awareness, beauty, community, healing, inspiration, poem, Poetry, self-esteem, therapy
August 25, 2009
Beauty for the Dark Journey
As I said in my "August Angst" post below, my plans with my therapist were to deal with the back-to-school trauma memories head on. I've been successful at doing this and have been able to avoid any really big firefighter dissociative episodes, hospital stays or running away in dissociative fugues. But, it has been a dark, ugly journey into the painful abyss.
Some of my pampering and comforting rituals have not been working lately. I had to cancel a massage appointment last week because I just couldn't bare the thoughts of anybody touching me.
What has worked, however, is I've been clinging to beauty. Visits to the Denver Botanic Garden, growing things in my own garden, sitting in my backyard sanctuary and listening to a soothing CD called "Peaceful Garden" have all helped when the emotions that have surfaced from memory processing have left me ragged and raw.
I've also been quite productive over at Polyvore with art therapy collages. Here's the one that prompted this update post.
Beauty For The Dark Journey by Marj aka Thriver on
When I couldn't muster up the courage to visit my massage therapist last week, I decided to go "inside" and see what the fear was about and who was upset. I made the "mistake" of saying, "If I don't know who you are and where you are, I can't come and rescue you and help you feel better..." something like that. I immediately heard this little voice in my head cry out, "But, I don't know where I am!" Oh, Lordy!
I was in a panic as to how I would do my little visualization rescue technique with my therapist the next day, if I didn't have a firm "place" to go and rescue this little inner child part of myself. It's been fairly easy up to now as I just visualize returning to the house I lived in for the first 10 years of my life. But, recently, I've been retrieving ghastly memories of abuse that took place away from the "home."
I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I calmed every body down as best as I could and tried to reason that my therapy session was just a day away and I could wait. In the meantime, art therapy at Polyvore came through for me again. I created this collage as a visual representation of my commitment to find this little lost part.
I Will Find You by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
As it turned out, the horrifying memory I'd been dreading was of abuse that took place at the school where my father taught for years. I was in the shower area of a locker room with no windows. It was very dark in there and that's why this part wasn't sure, at first, where she was.
I won't go into the gory details, but I believe there were some drugs involved in my abuse at this time. When I awoke in the dark, I was disoriented and thought for a moment that maybe I was dead. When I realized that I wasn't--I was very much alive--I was devastated. Maybe this was the first time in my life that I became suicidal, I don't know. But, what I do know is that my parents did, indeed, thoroughly break me. I hadn't been able to admit this to myself up to this point. I had thought I was stronger than that.
This realization is devastating for me. But, again, it opens up the channels of grief. And feeling the feelings is, as always, the key to my healing. So, I'm doing a lot of that. And, at the same time, I'm clinging to any comfort and beauty I can find. Right now, as a matter of fact, I'm listening to a track on my "Peaceful Garden" CD called "Tranquility." I have to have some beauty and tranquility to hold on to as I face my brokenness.
Some of my pampering and comforting rituals have not been working lately. I had to cancel a massage appointment last week because I just couldn't bare the thoughts of anybody touching me.
What has worked, however, is I've been clinging to beauty. Visits to the Denver Botanic Garden, growing things in my own garden, sitting in my backyard sanctuary and listening to a soothing CD called "Peaceful Garden" have all helped when the emotions that have surfaced from memory processing have left me ragged and raw.
I've also been quite productive over at Polyvore with art therapy collages. Here's the one that prompted this update post.
Beauty For The Dark Journey by Marj aka Thriver on
When I couldn't muster up the courage to visit my massage therapist last week, I decided to go "inside" and see what the fear was about and who was upset. I made the "mistake" of saying, "If I don't know who you are and where you are, I can't come and rescue you and help you feel better..." something like that. I immediately heard this little voice in my head cry out, "But, I don't know where I am!" Oh, Lordy!
I was in a panic as to how I would do my little visualization rescue technique with my therapist the next day, if I didn't have a firm "place" to go and rescue this little inner child part of myself. It's been fairly easy up to now as I just visualize returning to the house I lived in for the first 10 years of my life. But, recently, I've been retrieving ghastly memories of abuse that took place away from the "home."
I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I calmed every body down as best as I could and tried to reason that my therapy session was just a day away and I could wait. In the meantime, art therapy at Polyvore came through for me again. I created this collage as a visual representation of my commitment to find this little lost part.
I Will Find You by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
As it turned out, the horrifying memory I'd been dreading was of abuse that took place at the school where my father taught for years. I was in the shower area of a locker room with no windows. It was very dark in there and that's why this part wasn't sure, at first, where she was.
I won't go into the gory details, but I believe there were some drugs involved in my abuse at this time. When I awoke in the dark, I was disoriented and thought for a moment that maybe I was dead. When I realized that I wasn't--I was very much alive--I was devastated. Maybe this was the first time in my life that I became suicidal, I don't know. But, what I do know is that my parents did, indeed, thoroughly break me. I hadn't been able to admit this to myself up to this point. I had thought I was stronger than that.
This realization is devastating for me. But, again, it opens up the channels of grief. And feeling the feelings is, as always, the key to my healing. So, I'm doing a lot of that. And, at the same time, I'm clinging to any comfort and beauty I can find. Right now, as a matter of fact, I'm listening to a track on my "Peaceful Garden" CD called "Tranquility." I have to have some beauty and tranquility to hold on to as I face my brokenness.
Labels: aftermath, beauty, broken, child abuse, comfort, denial, dissociation, feelings, grieving, memory work, therapy
July 27, 2009
Licking My Wounds & Art Therapy
I've spent the last several days "licking my wounds." Although the pain of my mother's betrayal feels like having my skin ripped off, I've taken the time to really indulge in some self-care lately. I have also just taken the time out to grieve. Although there has been a lot of pain and a lot of tears, I have also had some rare moments of unique peace.
Thank you all for your kind comments. There were some things written in the comment section of my last post that I hadn't really realized before. Seeing those sentiments in black and white was very helpful to me. I appreciate you all so much. Our Survivor Solidarity is awesome!
Another thing I'm finding helpful is my art therapy through collage over at Polyvore. Let me share a couple of recent compilations.
This piece is called "Return to Wonder." I wish we--as child abuse survivors--could all go back and NOT know what we shouldn't have known as young children...return to innocence and wonder.
This piece reminds me that maybe--just a little at least--I'm coming out of the dark and into the green, the growing...the light. Also, that maybe I can grow something out of all the dark, black dirt that I have. I wish you all much rest, peace and blessings on your own journeys of recovery, healing, dirt-digging, reaching for the light, and growing beautiful things out of the muck.
Thank you all for your kind comments. There were some things written in the comment section of my last post that I hadn't really realized before. Seeing those sentiments in black and white was very helpful to me. I appreciate you all so much. Our Survivor Solidarity is awesome!
Another thing I'm finding helpful is my art therapy through collage over at Polyvore. Let me share a couple of recent compilations.
This piece is called "Return to Wonder." I wish we--as child abuse survivors--could all go back and NOT know what we shouldn't have known as young children...return to innocence and wonder.
This piece reminds me that maybe--just a little at least--I'm coming out of the dark and into the green, the growing...the light. Also, that maybe I can grow something out of all the dark, black dirt that I have. I wish you all much rest, peace and blessings on your own journeys of recovery, healing, dirt-digging, reaching for the light, and growing beautiful things out of the muck.
Labels: appreciation, beauty, collage, comfort, community, grieving, healing, recovery, self-care, support, survivor art
May 01, 2009
Poem in My Pocket; Hope in My Heart
Did you know, yesterday was Poem in Your Pocket Day? It was a way to finish off National Poetry Month.
I think I may have mentioned that I spend several hours a week babysitting an adorable toddler who is in the custody of my friends--her grandparents--after being neglected by her parents. Lately, we've been strolling to parks. The other day, we discovered dandelions together and I showed the little cutie pie how to blow the seeds off the "fluff puffs."
She's almost two and she's at that age where she's willing to try anything you ask her to try and say. I bought her grand-folks a book: Baby Signs. We've all been teaching the precious one signs and it just helped her verbal skills explode! It sure was cute to hear her say, "fluff puff!" and blow those seeds into the wind!
She and the current spring weather are really giving me joy, delight and hope lately. This little girl inspired me to write a haiku poem. I got to see the little angel an extra couple of hours yesterday, so her namesake poem was my choice for the poem in my pocket.
Here it is:
Rosy-Cheeked Cherub
rosy-cheeked cherub
reaches down to pick flower
wonder, beauty, life!
Copyright 2009, Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved
I think I may have mentioned that I spend several hours a week babysitting an adorable toddler who is in the custody of my friends--her grandparents--after being neglected by her parents. Lately, we've been strolling to parks. The other day, we discovered dandelions together and I showed the little cutie pie how to blow the seeds off the "fluff puffs."
She's almost two and she's at that age where she's willing to try anything you ask her to try and say. I bought her grand-folks a book: Baby Signs. We've all been teaching the precious one signs and it just helped her verbal skills explode! It sure was cute to hear her say, "fluff puff!" and blow those seeds into the wind!
She and the current spring weather are really giving me joy, delight and hope lately. This little girl inspired me to write a haiku poem. I got to see the little angel an extra couple of hours yesterday, so her namesake poem was my choice for the poem in my pocket.
Here it is:
Rosy-Cheeked Cherub
rosy-cheeked cherub
reaches down to pick flower
wonder, beauty, life!
Copyright 2009, Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved
Labels: beauty, breaking the cycle, connection, gratitude, haiku, hope, inspiration, nature's healing, poem, Poetry
December 09, 2008
The Tree Is Me
Haven't felt much like writing lately. (Ya think? OMG! I think I'm in danger of becoming a once-a-month blog poster, and I really wanted to do more than that. Ah well, these things go in stages, right?)
I did receive this message that I thought was something I really wanted to pass along. To all abuse survivors who fear they may have been completely broken, or at least twisted beyond recognition:
The Spiritual Divine
does not require
what you call
"perfect symmetry."
Look at the tree
that bends
from the whipping winds.
It is tangled and gnarled,
yet its beauty remains.
I did receive this message that I thought was something I really wanted to pass along. To all abuse survivors who fear they may have been completely broken, or at least twisted beyond recognition:
The Spiritual Divine
does not require
what you call
"perfect symmetry."
Look at the tree
that bends
from the whipping winds.
It is tangled and gnarled,
yet its beauty remains.
Labels: abuse, aftermath, beauty, broken
November 20, 2007
Gratitude & Beauty
Thanksgiving. Hhmmmmm...the word and the idea of this treasured American holiday bring up mixed emotions for me. I am one of those abuse survivors who tends to freak out around the holidays. Holidays during my childhood were a ridiculous farce, brimming with hypocrisy.
It was only a year ago, last Thanksgiving, that I ran away...again. Although I saw my husband and my son everyday while I was gone, I was away for over a month and I still feel guilty about it. Soon after that, I started intense, twice-a-week therapy for my severe dissociative disorder.
This turkey day, my husband decided our little family needed to get far away. We're going on a Disney cruise to the Bahamas! Whoo hooooo! We really need a vacation, and mom and dad need some alone time as well. I'm told a Disney cruise is the best of both worlds. We leave on Thanksgiving Day (that's Thursday here in the US) and we'll be gone for a week. I'll probably only get to a computer once while I'm away.
While flying to Florida, Thursday probably won't even feel like Thanksgiving to me. This could be a very good thing.
On the flip side of my Thanksgiving emotions, I do have a great sense of gratitude. I'm grateful that we can afford this trip in the first place (even though my hubby has been working nights and weekends for it). I'm grateful for my supportive husband and my son. I'm grateful that God, somehow, gave me the strength to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I'm thankful for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse (see reminder below, folks!)
And last, but certainly not least, I'm grateful for this blogging community of survivors. Hearing your stories and getting to know you online has strengthened my sense of compassion and empathy, for myself, other survivors and children around the world. Seeing that every child abuse survivor was a precious, innocent, adorable child--a beautiful shining soul, connected to the source of love and light--reminds me that I was a beautiful child and I am a divine soul myself.
I am grateful for the beauty. The beauty inherent in each survivor. We are all beautiful, divine souls. I wrote the poem below for a fellow survivor of childhood abuse and neglect. I offer it out to all survivors, and also say these words to my own inner children and my adult self. The poem is called, Your Beauty.
Some of my long-time readers may have seen this poem before. I think we need reminders of our beauty. We are beautiful. Let's remember that. Let's celebrate that. Let's be thankful for that. Let's stop letting anyone (from our present or past) convince us that we're anything but beautiful. This is for you:
Your Beauty
I see the beauty you can't see
You're unaware of what it does for me
It's the light shining in your eyes
Lifting me up to brighter skies
Still you walk around
And you hang your head
Sometimes wishing
You were dead
But if you could see
What I see in you
There'd be nothing, love,
That you could not do.
Copyright 2003 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved
REMINDER: The November edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will debut at CerebralMum the day I get back from my trip: Friday, November 30, 2007. Please get your submissions in. You can use the Blog Carnival Submission Form here. Hurry! The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, November 28.
It was only a year ago, last Thanksgiving, that I ran away...again. Although I saw my husband and my son everyday while I was gone, I was away for over a month and I still feel guilty about it. Soon after that, I started intense, twice-a-week therapy for my severe dissociative disorder.
This turkey day, my husband decided our little family needed to get far away. We're going on a Disney cruise to the Bahamas! Whoo hooooo! We really need a vacation, and mom and dad need some alone time as well. I'm told a Disney cruise is the best of both worlds. We leave on Thanksgiving Day (that's Thursday here in the US) and we'll be gone for a week. I'll probably only get to a computer once while I'm away.
While flying to Florida, Thursday probably won't even feel like Thanksgiving to me. This could be a very good thing.
On the flip side of my Thanksgiving emotions, I do have a great sense of gratitude. I'm grateful that we can afford this trip in the first place (even though my hubby has been working nights and weekends for it). I'm grateful for my supportive husband and my son. I'm grateful that God, somehow, gave me the strength to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I'm thankful for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse (see reminder below, folks!)
And last, but certainly not least, I'm grateful for this blogging community of survivors. Hearing your stories and getting to know you online has strengthened my sense of compassion and empathy, for myself, other survivors and children around the world. Seeing that every child abuse survivor was a precious, innocent, adorable child--a beautiful shining soul, connected to the source of love and light--reminds me that I was a beautiful child and I am a divine soul myself.
I am grateful for the beauty. The beauty inherent in each survivor. We are all beautiful, divine souls. I wrote the poem below for a fellow survivor of childhood abuse and neglect. I offer it out to all survivors, and also say these words to my own inner children and my adult self. The poem is called, Your Beauty.
Some of my long-time readers may have seen this poem before. I think we need reminders of our beauty. We are beautiful. Let's remember that. Let's celebrate that. Let's be thankful for that. Let's stop letting anyone (from our present or past) convince us that we're anything but beautiful. This is for you:
Your Beauty
I see the beauty you can't see
You're unaware of what it does for me
It's the light shining in your eyes
Lifting me up to brighter skies
Still you walk around
And you hang your head
Sometimes wishing
You were dead
But if you could see
What I see in you
There'd be nothing, love,
That you could not do.
Copyright 2003 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved
REMINDER: The November edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will debut at CerebralMum the day I get back from my trip: Friday, November 30, 2007. Please get your submissions in. You can use the Blog Carnival Submission Form here. Hurry! The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, November 28.
Labels: beauty, blog carnivals, child abuse, gratitude, holidays, inner child, poem, Poetry, Thanksgiving
