July 01, 2010
Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig!
We drank good wine, ate delicious food, listened to live music and had nice conversation. I even managed to keep up some pretty good eating habits and did my morning walk four times while I was away. I might have gained a couple of pounds, but probably no more than two back from the nine I lost. Yeah!
But, I Had Something To Say by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com
I only had one dissociative "episode" while I was on this vacation. My son said something inappropriate and disrespectful and I got triggered. I managed to deal with him during this "learning moment" in an appropriate parental manner.
But, I heard a voice in my head responding with, "Just shut up. No one wants to hear anything you have to say." Yuck! I'm sure I heard that one--almost word-for-word--many times while growing up in my abusive household. Then, I noticed something else. I responded with my behavior as well. I did exactly that--I shut up. There's like this part inside me--a monitor--that notices when an idea starts to form in my head at these times. This monitor quickly spots the idea and squashes it down before it has a chance to become words that form on my lips. The idea is shut down before it can come out of my mouth.
I had a therapy session today and we talked about this quite a bit. It's a huge self-esteem issue. I'm sure it is closely related to my inability to finish my book and my habit of shutting down and not getting any writing done on my blog at times.
Ah, the work continues. I'm going to be coming around to your blogs in the next few days, now that I'm back in town and online, and see what YOU have to say. Because, I do care and I am interested in your thoughts, feelings and ideas. See you soon!
So glad your visit was a good one.
And yes, snorkeling is amazing! ;-)
I'm glad you had a good trip. I love the picture...it perfectly captures how I feel right now!
Von: Yeah. Home runs. I like that idea. Thanks for stopping by.
JBR: Thanks. And thanks for those hugs. ((((((JBR))))))
Leslie: Yes. Blogging is very good for letting us all know that we are not alone. The picture is a collage I made at Polyvore. I highly recommend it for art therapy.
i'm sorry you had an upsetting moment with your son in the first place. but i'm glad you were able to process it and had a good therapy session. and that in that moment with him, you felt you were able to cope.
also, i'm glad you had such a good time on your vacation besides that moment. it sounds like a lovely time~
thank you for sharing~ :) wishing you well!
Paula: I am so impressed that you are finding a way to visit some blogs during your journey. I am so happy for you and hope it is going well.
Katie: Thanks for your kind comment. Yeah. It's still a work in progress--getting rid of that shame-based reacting. But, I think we are both making progress on it. *hugs* Wishing you well, too!
I'm glad your poetry has helped with your healing. I have found it quite helpful as well.
You know, the more I think on it, I believe I will write a post in response to your request for advice. Give me some time today, and I will get that up.
Anon/LT & Purples Cupcakes: Thanks for your interest and your patience. Time kinda got away from me yesterday, but I will get that post up today.
I'll be glad to see stopping by my blog one of these days. I've missed you!
Regarding the on/off writing, I can't seem to stop writing at the moment due to flashbacks and experiences I've haf recently.
Thanks for inspiring me!
I look forward to reading more. :-)
I was able to explain to him that if you've ever been spoken to in that manner over a period of years and other kinds of abuse; it remains extremely difficult and painful to hear those words.
With my daughter, my abusers child, my experience was much different.although she didn't spend much of her childhood with him, she bears a great resemblance and even has some of the same mannerisms. The statement she made was probably even less offensive than my sons; but my reaction was the polar opposite. My self esteem plummeted, I went into a depression for a day where I did nothing but feel sorry for myself. A wispy shadow of that young, frightened, imprisoned girl from 25 years ago clung to my side all day'
Ultimately I came to realize the issue was her problem and I would distance myself from her until we could talk like rational adults. I did and it worked! Maybe all these years of therapy have taught me something after all.
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