July 01, 2010


Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig!

So, we're back from our family trip. We had a nice visit with several friends. It was the most positive, pleasant, social interaction I have had for quite some time.

We drank good wine, ate delicious food, listened to live music and had nice conversation. I even managed to keep up some pretty good eating habits and did my morning walk four times while I was away. I might have gained a couple of pounds, but probably no more than two back from the nine I lost. Yeah!

But, I Had Something To SayFashion Trends & Styles - <span class=Polyvore" src="http://www.polyvorecdn.com/rsrc/img/logo_embed_alt_63x21.png" style="border-width: 0px; padding: 0px; margin: 0px; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent;" title="Fashion Trends & Styles - Polyvore">

But, I Had Something To Say by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com

I only had one dissociative "episode" while I was on this vacation. My son said something inappropriate and disrespectful and I got triggered. I managed to deal with him during this "learning moment" in an appropriate parental manner.

But, I heard a voice in my head responding with, "Just shut up. No one wants to hear anything you have to say." Yuck! I'm sure I heard that one--almost word-for-word--many times while growing up in my abusive household. Then, I noticed something else. I responded with my behavior as well. I did exactly that--I shut up. There's like this part inside me--a monitor--that notices when an idea starts to form in my head at these times. This monitor quickly spots the idea and squashes it down before it has a chance to become words that form on my lips. The idea is shut down before it can come out of my mouth.

I had a therapy session today and we talked about this quite a bit. It's a huge self-esteem issue. I'm sure it is closely related to my inability to finish my book and my habit of shutting down and not getting any writing done on my blog at times.

Ah, the work continues. I'm going to be coming around to your blogs in the next few days, now that I'm back in town and online, and see what YOU have to say. Because, I do care and I am interested in your thoughts, feelings and ideas. See you soon!

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I always say that "management" is the goal because "cure" isn't a real word. We can't truly erase what's happened to us. If I can manage my triggers, get back to where I was before the trigger hit and move on with the day - then that's a home run.

So glad your visit was a good one.
I agree with what you're saying, Dr. Deb. Thanks so much for stopping by and thanks for the comment.
So glad that you had so many positive moments on your trip! Isn't it great to realize that we as stressed out human beings can at times feel relaxed? It sounds like you had a good taste of that dispite the hangup.

And yes, snorkeling is amazing! ;-)
How true, cure doesn't happen, management does.May we all have many home runs! See you soon!

Glad all was working for the better on this trip dear one.
Thanks for sharing this Marj! I have a voice that says things like that to me too. It helps me though, to read your post and know I'm not alone in this.

I'm glad you had a good trip. I love the picture...it perfectly captures how I feel right now!
Hi, Jade! Welcome back from your trip, too!

Von: Yeah. Home runs. I like that idea. Thanks for stopping by.

JBR: Thanks. And thanks for those hugs. ((((((JBR))))))

Leslie: Yes. Blogging is very good for letting us all know that we are not alone. The picture is a collage I made at Polyvore. I highly recommend it for art therapy.
Glad you were able to enjoy the time away! It sounds as if you have made wonderful improvements. You seem very positive!! :)
Glad you have had such an relaxing time. Wonderful how you managed to qct calm and parental. Can relate so much to this installed mechanism of reacting. Takes time. This mechanism wasnt installed overnight, wont disppear over night too. I love your awareness. Love from my journey. Paula
hi marj~ i have the same internal message that really bothers me. i think i'm sure that i'm bound to say something wrong and upset someone. or that i have no idea what i'm talking about and shouldn't be talking because people are going to see that. all kinds of reasons, but i think it's all shame-based.

i'm sorry you had an upsetting moment with your son in the first place. but i'm glad you were able to process it and had a good therapy session. and that in that moment with him, you felt you were able to cope.

also, i'm glad you had such a good time on your vacation besides that moment. it sounds like a lovely time~

thank you for sharing~ :) wishing you well!
I just wanted to leave a comment and say that this is truly an amazing site that over that past week or so has been so awesome for me. My counselor told me about the site and encouraged me to look at it. I have been going here everyday since she told me about the site. Your story is so much like that of my own. I have only been in counseling for a year and a half maybe. It has been a tough journey so far but my counselor has been there helping me with each step. To me it seems so sad that we go through so much hurt and pain and then we have to hurt so much to heal. You would never know how much I have longed for a site like this where real people told there story and they truly understand what you are facing because they have been there. I write poetry and that has been one of the things that has helped me to survive. My last counseling session was tough but I made it through. In counseling I have been having a tough time sharing things that happened to me or working through those tough memories without going there, so do you have any advice that I can use to help me to share the memory but not go through and experience it again in my mind. My counselor tries to keep me focused on something in the room so that I can stay present during the sharing of the memory. Thank you again for this site, it has been so helpful to me.(LT)
Lily: Thanks you for noticing! I do see progress. :) *hugs*

Paula: I am so impressed that you are finding a way to visit some blogs during your journey. I am so happy for you and hope it is going well.

Katie: Thanks for your kind comment. Yeah. It's still a work in progress--getting rid of that shame-based reacting. But, I think we are both making progress on it. *hugs* Wishing you well, too!
Thank you, marj :) hugs back!
Anonymous/LT: I wanted to take some time to think about your comment and a response to you. First of all, I want to tell you thank you! I am touched by your story and truly honored that your counselor recommended my site/blog to you. I'm pleased that you found something helpful here and feel comfortable sharing here.

I'm glad your poetry has helped with your healing. I have found it quite helpful as well.
Anon/LT: As far as the advice goes, I hesitate a bit. Everyone has such a different healing experience.

You know, the more I think on it, I believe I will write a post in response to your request for advice. Give me some time today, and I will get that up.
so glad to hear that your trip went well and that you enjoyed some good times with friends. We're going away in a couple of weeks and I am already worried about leaving home. I don't know why it's such a problem before we go b/c it turns out to always be good once there. Take gentle care and welcome home...
I can wait, like I said I come here everyday and read old post that you have written and it gives me such strength to push forward. Sometimes when you are on the healing journey, the sharing part of that journey feels as bad as the incident. You know that you are not alone but you feel like you are all alone with your feelings and what you are facing. When I start to share, I immediately go there to the place that the incest is happening at. It is just as if Im there in that moment and that makes it more overwhelming and dreadful to share the event. It is difficult to stay in the present while sharing those memories, it is almost as if Im being dragged in by the memory. Thank you for just listening and acknowledging that you read my comment, that meant a lot to me. I know that you understand me, even the things I have not said but somewhere deep in my soul, I know that you know. I know that you know about the pain and the crying that seems to never end. I know that you know about the memories that come unannounced and literally take your breath away,which is so weird because you lived through it. Trust me, I know that you know and that helps more than anything. My therapist use to say take gentle care of yourself at each closing of a session. Thank you again (LT)
can you offer any ideas on our recnet blog?
Sarah: Thanks for stopping by with your support. I hope your trip goes well.

Anon/LT & Purples Cupcakes: Thanks for your interest and your patience. Time kinda got away from me yesterday, but I will get that post up today.
Glad you had an enjoyable trip!

I'll be glad to see stopping by my blog one of these days. I've missed you!
Hi, Beauty! I've always enjoyed your writing and I do miss it when I don't read often enough. I will stop by today or tomorrow. *hugs*
I can really relate to your "shutting down" description. Sometimes I can't stop writing as a way of releasing- last month was like that, and now I've shut down- for only a short while I hope! Thanks for your posts.
Paola: You're welcome. And thank YOU for leaving a comment. I have had the same experience with the on-again/off-again thing. I hope your quiet time won't last too long.
Glad to hear you had a good trip. Like the Polyvore picture!!
Thanks, Colleen! And thanks for stopping by. *hugs*
You're welcome Marj, always a pleasure to read your blog.
Regarding the on/off writing, I can't seem to stop writing at the moment due to flashbacks and experiences I've haf recently.
Thanks for inspiring me!
Paola: Oh, good! I'm glad you're writing it through. Any kind of journaling can be really helpful during those times. Take gentle care.
Thanks Marj
I had no idea that shutting down the way I do had such triggers until I came here and read your post...my chin is on the floor...I have much work to do...thank you for liking my photo's, :-) I in turn Like Your Blog cuz I just learned a Bunch...Gilbert Satchell
Gilbert: Thank you for that wonderful feedback. Take gentle care with those triggers. And thank you for sharing your wonderful art with us for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I hope you join us again.
katie referred me to your blog, and this post sounded so familiar. You're so right--it's a shame reaction, as if having an opinion or stating a thought only shines the spotlight on how "wrong" we are and how no one wants to hear what we think/feel. I so hope my kids never feel that way.

I look forward to reading more. :-)
IF: I hope my son never feels that way, either. Thanks so much for stopping by and reading. I'll have to thank Katie, too! :)
I just found your page and for some reason was immediately drawn to this post, and for good reason. Over the past two months two of my children had something nasty to say that totally triggered my reaction to verbal abuse. Oddly enough the first time was my 17 year old son, and although his words were offensive I was able to use my anger to create a "teachable moment'. He is not my abusers child and probably knows little about my life "before"
I was able to explain to him that if you've ever been spoken to in that manner over a period of years and other kinds of abuse; it remains extremely difficult and painful to hear those words.
With my daughter, my abusers child, my experience was much different.although she didn't spend much of her childhood with him, she bears a great resemblance and even has some of the same mannerisms. The statement she made was probably even less offensive than my sons; but my reaction was the polar opposite. My self esteem plummeted, I went into a depression for a day where I did nothing but feel sorry for myself. A wispy shadow of that young, frightened, imprisoned girl from 25 years ago clung to my side all day'
Ultimately I came to realize the issue was her problem and I would distance myself from her until we could talk like rational adults. I did and it worked! Maybe all these years of therapy have taught me something after all.
Jenny: Thanks so much for visiting and leaving your comment. I like your descriptions of "a wispy shadow of that young, frightened, imprisoned girl..." I can so relate. Well said! I'm glad you are using what you have learned in therapy for your day-to-day challenges today. Take gentle care.
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