September 30, 2010


Fall Fallout

So, what's happening with Marj's annual "Fall Fallout," aka "Fall Freak-out" this year? Well, I'm only seeing my therapist once a week this time around and I even took last week off. There doesn't seem to be any need to stay somewhere else or have a therapy marathon in 2010. There seems to be a lot less panic than in previous years. So, that's all good.

But, I am dealing with a lot of grief and devastation. I've done quite a bit of grief work on my mother, but not so much on the old sperm donor. My father seems to be the focus of the therapy this year. After working through a lot of the panic and fear, I guess I'm ready to deal with the sadness and rejection issues that came from the man who was supposed to be my father. This man--who I wanted to be my Daddy--not only sexually abused me, but also systematically tortured me and broke my spirit, in addition to almost killing me on numerous occasions.

After crying and comforting this morning, I scratched out a poem. Here it is:

Nothing Human or Humane

Who are you?
How could you?
Force the innocence
From a precious child

Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?

Your eyes don't see
Your ears don't hear
My pain and tears
Never seen or heard

Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?

My cries and pleas
To show some mercy
Mean nothing
To your cold, dead heart

Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?

The darkest evil
Pours from you
As you torture beauty
to unrecognizable ugly

Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?

Copyright 2010, Marj McCabe ~ All rights reserved.

So, now I'm off to my therapist's office for a session. I will try to make it over to some blogs for a visit soon. I hope that the healing journey is kind to you today. And be kind to yourself, okay?

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I'm glad to hear things are going a bit better this fall. I'm so sorry that your biological father treated you so terribly. Take care! *hugs* <3
Thanks, IK! Nice to "see" you. Hugs backatcha, deary!
A fall without fall out is a major improvement. Sadness for what never was is part of grieving. Grieving for a loss of innate trust. Another step on your road. Journeying towards the rainbow.
You have come so far and can be proud of yourself! Marj, love from my heart to yours! Hugs
Oh, Paula! Your kind words mean so much to me. I like what you said about "journeying toward the rainbow." I feel like we can both see those bright, beautiful colors already! Love to you, too, dear. And thanks! *hugs* :)
reading your poem hurts...I feel it....deep inside me....that pain...that shame...that ugly. Stay strong okay...
OMG this is so very sad, but also there is hope here. The juxtaposition between the grief, the anger over the injustice is so hard to hold with the desire to just move on, to look to a bright future. We have a hard path, but so far it has been walkable (forward, backward, sideways, stumbling, and lots of standing around lost, in my case). Good wishes your way.
Sarah & Blue Morpho: I hope the poem wasn't too triggering for either of you. But, I am glad to know, through you, that I am not alone. Thank you for you thoughtful comments. Take gentle care. xoxoxo
dear marj~ i'm so very happy for you that you're feeling better this year. and that you're continuing to make progress in your grief work. that's a wonderful thing to get to do. to have the space and time and energy and stability to even be in a place ready to grieve, i think shows such strength in a person. i love your poem. i've been going through grief work of my own this fall (this is the time of year my dad died), and wrote about it a few posts back. thank you for sharing your grieving and your poetry. you continue to be a source of strength, hope, comfort and inspiration to me.

safe hugs to you, marj~ and warm wishes for a happy fall too~
Katie: Thanks for stopping by with your sweet words even during your own time of grief. I will stop by and take a look at that post you mentioned. Warm Fall wishes to you also, my dear!
(((Marj))) So glad to hear you are doing great. I know how exhausting grieving work is and that it takes time to recover from. Even more though I am happy that this Autumn is the Autumn of healing. Love from my heart to yours
Paula: Yeah, this Autumn IS an Autumn of healing. I like the sound of that! Love from my heart back to yours, dear. xoxoxoxo
Love this poem and post and so grateful for it. I've had to recently re-enter therapy and have felt fragile and DIScouraged. Which is why I'm so grateful for your site which is so ENcouraging. Sometimes I wonder if the healing process ever ends. And I grieve the moments lost to this whole process. Thank you for your bravery and honesty. Grateful for you today.
Oh, Amy. I'm grateful for you, too. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to all the sentiments about therapy that you just shared. Take gentle care.
I am glad this autumn is better for you. I wonder if your taking some time off to just be with your family helped prepare you.
OneSurvivor: Perhaps you are right. Self-care does seem to be the key often times. If I can just keep remembering to use it as a preventative measure! ;)
Well now...that is something I think we ALL need to remember!
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