December 06, 2006

 

An Inner Child's Grief and Loss

Yep, I'm still alive. Not quite sure in what form...but I'm alive. To be perfectly honest, I'm trying to figure out how to just be alive and be me...whoever that is.

Right now, I'm between therapists and trying to continue, on my own, some of the trauma work that I learned about when I was down at the Ross Trauma Program in Dallas. They were big on writing letters down there. So far, I've found the letter exercises quite helpful, even if they are, usually, excruciatingly painful.

Right now, I'm in the middle of working on a handout called, "Grief and Loss Letter to Myself." I don't know where the Dallas folks got this handout, so I apologize for the lack of credit for this. Here are the sentence starters, or prompts, they gave us:
  1. I never understood why my parents...
  2. I needed someone to understand...
  3. If my tears could have talked they would have said...
  4. If my anger could have spoken it would have said...
  5. What I needed the most and never got was...
  6. What I need to hear now to feel loved is...

So far, I've worked on numbers one through three. Below is what I've got so far. Please be careful when reading this, there may be some triggers and, in the beginning, there is some swearing.

I never understood why my parents thought their kids were such a pain in the ass and a burden. I never understood why my parents treated me like I was no good and a piece of shit. I never understood why my parents even had children...just to have free servants? I never understood why my parents never showed any interest in or support for things I was good at and showed interest in. I never understood why my parents couldn't see my precious innocence, beauty, light, adorable cuteness, sweetness...or how hard I tried to be a good girl. I never understood why my parents couldn't tell how much I loved them. I never understood why my parents never thought anything I did was ever good enough, why I wasn't good enough. (I would love to have a kid like me!) I never understood why my parents always had to humiliate me. I never understood why my parents tried to break me. Why did they want me broken? Why would they want a broken daughter? I never understood why my parents couldn't see me for who I really was, separate from my twin.

I needed someone to understand that I was more than just a twin. I needed someone to understand how hard I was trying. I needed someone to understand how scared I was. I needed someone to understand how much pain I was in. I needed someone to understand that I had feelings and I needed to express them. I needed someone to understand that I was just a child and I needed love and protection. I needed someone to understand that I was innocent and it wasn't my fault. I needed someone to understand that I was just a kid and I needed time and space to be safe and just play and explore and be a kid. Just because I was good at taking care of everyone else didn't mean it was right. I needed someone to understand that I had lots of light and love in my heart and it shouldn't have been abused and destroyed. I needed someone to understand that I was really smart, but my self-esteem was low and I needed someone to believe in me and encourage me and support me instead of just squashing me down more and more.

If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I love you. Please don't hurt me." If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I'm a good girl. Quit treating me like I'm bad, dirty and evil." If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I hurt so bad I want to die. You're killing me!" If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I'm your daughter, quit breaking my heart and my spirit more and more every day." If my tears could have talked they would have said, "Mommy, Daddy, I'm your precious little Marji. I'm your hope for the future and your angel sent from heaven. Don't you remember? Don't you recognize me?" If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I'm a precious, adorable child. Don't you just want to hug me, caress my soft cheeks and cherish me? Why not?" If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I'm a divine, light-filled spirit, I came here so we could love each other and be one. Why are you trying to murder my soul?"

As you might imagine, the first three parts of this letter took a lot out of me. Next, I get to go on to ANGER! Yeah!

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Comments:
Thanks for the support Marj. All of us appreciate your compassion and understanding very much.

This post hit home, but in a good way. I am not going to let those that hate ruin my life.
 
Hi Marj,
Sounds like an excellent program. You go girlfriend, take care and great post!
Warm regards
Holly
 
I can really feel the warmth coming through your comment, Holly. Thank you so much.

Brian: I am glad you took a chance and came back here.

I think we are all wounded souls looking for healing. That is my wish for everyone--healing--including me!
 
So glad to see a post form you Marj...have been worried.

Couldn't read past the sentence starters. It looks like an exercise I might benefit from...I might snag those sentence starters...if you don't mind.

Sera
 
Hi Marj, I have been out of touch for a while, I'm just finishing my second to the last semester of grad school and I have been overwhelmed.
But I have been working on my blog and I would like to link to yours and have you link to mine. I have posted some images of handprints, yours included and am slowly woking on adding alot of other information. Please check it out at theshowofhands.blogspot.com and let me know your thoughts.
And I share your wish for everyone...Healing for all.
 
Hello Marj

Your comments could have been pretty much word for word what my littles would say...sad isn't it that so many parents should not have children at all, yet do. Thank you for validating what our littles feel, hell not just the littles, you can go right up the line, to the adolescents, the teens, the young women, until each of them died (our parents), neither one could be nice or considerate or appreciative or trusted.

peace and blessings

keepers
 
those words ring so true for all my littles, sad isn't it that we could easily interchange what you wrote about your feelings and it would be the mirror image of my feelings?

be kind to your littles and yourself

keepers
 
hey marj never heard back from you :O can you email us and we are so glad you have made your way back but im sorry it was a such a painful journey :(
 
TO EVERYONE: Sorry posting comments has taken me so long. The last three times I've tried, Blogger wouldn't let me.

Sera: Thanks for checking on me. Snag away! ;)

Jodi: WOW! It is GREAT to hear from you! Yeah, let's link! I'll be checking out your blog for sure!

Keepers: I so appreciate your support, compassion and understanding. Sorry I didn't call on Thanksgiving--I guess I must have dissociated while I was freaking out, because I sure had planned on it. I'll be over to comment on your blog as soon as I can figure out the latest round of log-in probs I'm having. Thanks for your patience!

JIP: Yeah, I'm not really back--still not at home at the moment. But, I'm trying to stay connected at least somewhat through my blog. I don't want to let it die; it often feels like my lifeline!
 
(((marj))) well done on continuing on with what you learned during your time away. It must be hard to do so without support of a therapist. It shows the strength and commitment you have to your own healing. take care of your self and as a friend says to me regularly show some grace to yourself and do something nice just for you
 
That's a great idea, Sunnie, thanks! And thanks for the much-needed hug.

I'm gonna try my best to get around to some blogs in the next few days. You're all always in my thoughts and I appreciate you all.
 
Marj,

Hmmm, thought I had posted but apparently it didn't show up. I'm soooo glad to see you post And such a powerful post, too. (((Hugs)))
 
Please take care as you move through this transition. The holidays can be wonderful and woeful.
 
(((Marji)))
You are doing such a good job. Healing is the hardest thing anyone one can do. God bless you!
 
Thanks for the hugs, "take care's" and blessings. You all feel like quite a blessing to me and I appreciate you greatly!
 
Marj, I hope that you're able to find a good therapist down there soon to support your work. Take good care.
 
Reading your post was really hard for me... not just because I come from an abusive family but also because I wanted to take that pain from you.

Sounds like those sentence starters really are good for healing though. Might have to steal them at some point and work through that grief.
 
Good for you for keeping up on your work. I wish you good weather and good luck in finding a therapist - a process that shouldn't be as difficult as it is.
 
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