July 06, 2010
Going Through The Memories
I feel very honored, actually. This new reader is coming to my dot com site, Survivors Can Thrive! and my blog at the referral of her therapist. I had no idea anything like that was happening. I'm am touched. And like I said, I feel honored.
This reader wanted to know if I had any advice about how to help her share an abuse memory during a counseling session, but, "not go through and experience it again in my mind." I told this reader that I always hesitate to give advice and that I am aware that each person's healing experience is different.
However, this is a huge survivor healing issue. At times, I am really struck by how much it sucks that someone else did this to us--abused us and caused trauma--but we are the ones who must be responsible for our healing and do the work to recover. But, this is the ironic reality.
Another ironic reality, that I have struggled to come to terms with in my own healing, is the fact that I have not been successful at finding any way to go around the painful feelings associated with the abuse. It sounds cliche, but for me, I have found that I really have to go through it to get to the other side. For me, this "other side" is life more in the moment, feeling safe, having functional (as opposed to dysfunctional) relationships, and no longer feeling completely disabled about the prospect of living my day-to-day life.
Now, before I launch into my battle cry of "feel the feelings; it's the key to healing," and you tune my pie-in-the-sky message out, let me tell you a little bit about how I came to this point and this conclusion.
First of all, you need to know that I have had many false starts in therapy and have really floundered many, many times. One of the reasons I blog and keep my dot com site going is in the hopes that some survivors reading about my story can avoid at least some of the long, drawn out, painful detours of recovery that I've experienced. For starters, I have been working on recovery from extreme child abuse, incest, torture, PTSD and a dissociative disorder for about 15 years. I think you could call me a therapy "veteran."
Now, I didn't even find out I had PTSD until about 10 years ago. Then, it took me a while to realize that a diagnosis of a dissociative disorder was appropriate for my situation. That came about eight years ago. I finally got a really excellent therapist who has a lot of expertise (over 20 years worth) in dissociation in January of 2007. You can read about how I started really (finally) working on my dissociative disorder in this post from 1/07 here.
Back before I found my current therapist--and after my family moved to Colorado--I was given the diagnosis of PTSD. At this time, I attempted EMDR. As many of us know by now, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. You can link to some EMDR sites on my dot com site's "Treatment & Research" page here.
My first experience with EMDR started out amazingly hopeful but almost ended in disaster. The practitioner that I went to the first time around promised me that the feelings I would experience surrounding a particular trauma memory that we would process in this way would be significantly reduced, or neutralized so to speak, at the end of a session. I want to say that there were times when I experienced this to actually be the case. Unfortunately, my first EMDR therapist neglected to get me appropriately grounded before we started doing EMDR and I became extremely re-traumatized.
I always tell folks, who ask me what I think about EMDR, how important I feel that the grounding piece is. Now, I'm not a doctor, and I would have a hard time advising anyone on exactly what they would need to do, individually, to get grounded before this type of therapy. But, I do advise that you look into the prospect of finding a T who is an expert in traumatic stress if you want to go this route. That person should know exactly what to do to help you get grounded before EMDR...and will know what this means. My second therapist here in Colorado is an expert in traumatic stress and he taught me many grounding exercises. Some of them I still do, almost on a daily basis. If you want to find one of these experts yourself, there are links to lists of therapists who are board certified experts in traumatic stress on the same Treatment page of my dot com site that I mentioned earlier.
But you know what? Reducing the feeling stress associated with my childhood trauma hasn't worked out to be the key to my healing at all. I didn't hear this battle cry of "Feel the Feelings" until I went down to the Colin Ross program down in Dallas in September of 2006. There is a link to the Colin A. Ross Institute For Psychological Trauma on my dot com Treatment page as well.
Down in Dallas, they were really big on "Feel The Feelings!" I didn't really know why at the time, but after I allowed myself to feel the buried feelings associated with my response to my childhood abuse, I would feel amazingly better. First, I would be amazed that the feelings didn't somehow kill me...then I'd feel devastated...then, slowly, I'd feel better...somehow more healed. One of the "Feel-The-Feelings" exercises I did with materials from the Ross program is talked about in this post here from December of 2006. It really gets into the feelings of grief and loss.
What I later learned is that my dissociated parts were keeping many of the feelings from me in order to protect me. A child just can't come face to face with those kinds of life-shattering feelings during the childhood abuse and still expect to be a kid, go to school, and grow up to be an adult. It was my dissociated parts who really needed to realize (and still continue this process today) that I am now not going to die when I get in touch with these feelings. Also, they need to know that they can now let go of their burden. I am the adult and I can carry it on my own now, with the help of my therapist.
One of the things my current therapist always comes back to, in regards to her training, is something called the BASK model. Unfortunately, I can never find much written about it. If I had a book on it, I would add it to my survivor-to-thriver library. I do know that it was developed by Bennett Braun as a model of dissociation. The letters in the BASK acronym stand for Behavior, Affect, Sensation and Knowledge. You can read a little bit about it using this link here.
Here's what I understand about BASK: First of all, my dissociation kept all Knowledge--the "K" in BASK-- of the sexual abuse and torture from my conscious awareness. But, I started to get clues to how my childhood abuse led to my disorder by my Behavior--the "B" in BASK. One of the classic behaviors I exhibited was gravitating toward other abusers. I had "Victim" stamped on my forehead for years. One of the "Sensation" mysteries that always astounded me was my extremely high tolerance for pain. But later, when I was diagnosed with PTSD and started therapy about my child abuse, I started having body memories of physical pain.
What was missing for such a long time was the "Affect" piece. These are my feelings and how I express them. If you--like me at one time--are walking around like a robot with a smile plastered on your face that doesn't seem sincere, I'm going to guess you are also not yet dealing with the feelings, and have little affect showing at this time.
My therapist firmly believes that I need to join all four of these BASK pieces--Behavior, Sensation, Knowledge and Affect--as they relate to my trauma memories, in order to stop relying on dissociation in order to cope...and to recover and heal. I have to say that I've come to the point where I agree with her.
It's an on-going process. I am continuing the journey. But, I am amazed and truly pleased that I am now finding myself much further down along the path than I ever thought I would be!
Labels: body memories, child abuse, dissociation, feelings, healing, journey, parts, PTSD, recovery, Survivors Can Thrive, therapy, torture, trauma processing
May 17, 2010
Blog Carnival: Hope & Joy Edition
Tracie must have stayed up late, because she's already got our Hope & Joy Carnival up. Amazing! I'm glad we extended the deadline, because we got some more folks to join us at the last minute. It is now officially huge! There are over 30 posts in there. Wowie Kazowie! We've got a nice selection of posts under the Hope & Joy theme and some neat stuff to look at in our new Art Therapy category.
I can't thank you all enough for your continued support, contribution, promotion and enthusiasm of and for this awareness-raising carnival. I just love our survivor solidarity and community! :)
YET ANOTHER UPDATE, THURSDAY 5/20/10: Well, Blog Carnival dot com is back up and running now. I checked myself with my own submission and see that the form is now working as well. I just heard back from this month's host, and we've agreed to extend the deadline until midnight TONIGHT. Thank you all for you patience and perseverance. And thank you, Tracie, for being such a committed, patient and hard-working host--and for the first time hosting, too. Wow! :)
*****
Update: Wednesday, May 19, 2010: I do not know the cause, but apparently the website at Blog Carnival dot com is down. I can't get the widget on my sidebar to load, the submission form doesn't work, and I cannot get to the BC dot com home page. This has happened once before and they got everything up and running again fairly quickly. This time, it seems to be taking a bit longer. I don't know what the problem is or when it will be fixed. I'm sorry for the confusion and inconvenience. I will be in touch as information becomes available. Thank you for your patience.
On Friday, (That's this Friday, May 21) Tracie will be hosting our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She's just coming off of a weekend blog-a-thon, so I know she's tired. But, I think she's pumped, too! She's pumped with advocacy, awareness, doing good and changing the world. What perfect timing. I just know she'll be a great host.
She's chosen Hope & Joy for the theme for this month's edition. I told her that I thought this was timely, because I've really been experiencing some moments of pure, lighthearted joy this spring. If you're a survivor who's been through phases where those moments are quite few and far between like I have (and what survivor hasn't, really?), you know how much I appreciate these precious little moments.
What precious moments bring you joy and hope for a better tomorrow? In her announcement post for this carnival, Tracie said, "What is your hope, what do you hold onto when the healing path gets dark and it is hard to hang on much longer? What is your joy, what makes you smile and dance and laugh, even in the midst of pain? I fully believe that as survivors it is important to share our stories and our pains and our troubles. In this sharing we find a community, we find help and understanding, which is an important part of healing. We also need to share our hopes and joys, we need to give them freely to other survivors who may have lost sight of theirs."
The deadline is Wednesday, 5/19, midnight Pacific time (U.S.) for the Friday edition. In addition to the "Hope and Joy" theme, we still have our regular submission categories of Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories. You can use this submission form here. Thanks, in advance for joining us and spreading the hope and joy! :)
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, community, healing, hope, Poetry, recovery, therapy
March 02, 2010
Allowing Myself To Dream Again
Dream Job: Botanical Illustrator by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com
I am really enjoying it. My T really likes this for me as she says that it really helps me with my level of competency and self-esteem. I agree. It is also so freeing to dream again. For such a long time, I've felt like recovery, healing, therapy--those things were my full-time job. Now, I feel like some of my old talents and skills have returned and I'm enjoying practicing those things. My undergraduate degree is in commercial art. From the beginning--as an art major in college--I wanted to be an illustrator.
But, I also knew I did not want to be a "starving artist." Therefore, I went to work in Chicago in advertising and corporate communications until all hell broke loose. I got married, got laid off, had a baby and started working on my recovery from child abuse.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm coming out of a long nightmare. It feels wonderful to be dreaming again. It feels even better to be working toward making my dream come true! What dreams do you have that you're working on to make reality?
Labels: healing, hope, journey, recovery, self-esteem, therapy
July 27, 2009
Licking My Wounds & Art Therapy
Thank you all for your kind comments. There were some things written in the comment section of my last post that I hadn't really realized before. Seeing those sentiments in black and white was very helpful to me. I appreciate you all so much. Our Survivor Solidarity is awesome!
Another thing I'm finding helpful is my art therapy through collage over at Polyvore. Let me share a couple of recent compilations.
This piece is called "Return to Wonder." I wish we--as child abuse survivors--could all go back and NOT know what we shouldn't have known as young children...return to innocence and wonder.
This piece reminds me that maybe--just a little at least--I'm coming out of the dark and into the green, the growing...the light. Also, that maybe I can grow something out of all the dark, black dirt that I have. I wish you all much rest, peace and blessings on your own journeys of recovery, healing, dirt-digging, reaching for the light, and growing beautiful things out of the muck.
Labels: appreciation, beauty, collage, comfort, community, grieving, healing, recovery, self-care, support, survivor art
February 06, 2009
Our Blog Carnival Turns 21, Sort Of
This is an excellent carnival. It's got lots of new participants, links to 18 posts and a big concentration of articles in the Healing & Therapy category. We survivors are working hard at healing aren't we? Yay for us!
Please take a spin over at the carnival and leave supportive messages for the participants at their blogs, won't you? And, if you've participated in our carnival before, please consider hosting an edition. I'm looking for new hosts and...the next one could be YOU! Thanks for the support--you wonderful child abuse survivor community.
Labels: abuse, advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, dissociation, healing, links, recovery, support, survivors, therapy, trauma
September 13, 2007
It's National Suicide Prevention Week
I am having my good moments, but not whole good days yet. I'm feeling impatient. I hope it doesn't take the full month I was warned about for this medication to take affect. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Labels: healing, medication, National Suicide Prevention Week, recovery, suicide, suicide prevention, therapy
August 08, 2007
Reparenting and Attachment
I asked my T, "Can't I just keep rocking the baby? That was so much more enjoyable." The "rocking-the-baby" I referred to is a reparenting/attachment exercise I've been working on with my T. I'm hopeful and optimistic that it is possible for me to reparent my wounded inner child parts. Up until now, however, I haven't done any of this work for myself before the age of three.
I'm convinced that I never experienced any healthy attachment or bonding with my mother. I believe I bonded with my twin, but not to the woman who birthed me.
You see, my mother had already tried to leave my psycho father when my older brother was just a baby. A neighbor, who was spying on my parents at the request of my maternal grandfather, had witnessed my infant brother flying out the front door of his house, at the hands of my father. Luckily, he landed on the grass in the front yard and received few injuries. But, that was enough for my mother to leave my father. I guess the woman did have motherly-type protection instincts, at least at one point (maybe just for male babies, I don't know).
The way she always told the continuation of this story is like this: So, she moves back in with her parents, away from the psycho child abuser. But, then--as if punished by God or Satan--she finds out she's pregnant again. To add insult to injury, she's pregnant with twins. She's still in the town where my grandparents lived when she gives birth to me and my sister. My father did not come to the hospital to visit my mother or us.
Then, for some mysterious reason (Christian-induced "family" obligation, to get away from my over-bearing grandfather, who knows), my mother reunites with my father. She then proceeds to move six hours away from everyone she knows to set up house in a new state with my father for his new teaching job. Now she's stuck, alone with no support, in a new state with three kids in diapers. And the daily house-of-horrors abuse scenario mushroomed from there. It took this woman almost eight more years to finally divorce the monster who was my father. My theory is that it took physical abuse directed at her to finally get her to take action. I don't think it had anything to do with his abuse of us kids. She allowed him full visitation rights as part of the divorce--never fought it or questioned it as far as I know.
Anyway, it seems obvious to me that I never bonded with this woman. There was no healthy attachment that took place. Part of the challenge, I'm sure, was the fact that we babies were twins. There were two of us and we were huge. We each weighed in at over eight pounds at birth. Shouldn't that be in the record books somewhere? Almost seventeen pounds of baby! Yowzer! My mother always blamed us for the "fact" that she just couldn't lose weight after that. Hhhmmmm, I don't think you can logically blame 300 pounds of obesity on "baby weight."
We were an unwanted, unplanned birth...and there were two of us! My mother always acted like we were some kind of cosmic "double-whammy" punishment and curse.
One of the goals with my reparenting is to convince my child parts that, unlike my birth mother, this mother (me) believes children are a blessing. Children are adorable, precious treasures who are to be cherished, protected and loved.
So, I bought myself a doll. It represents the infant me. I rock her and I sing to her. These are the words I wish someone had said or sung to me after I was born. These are the words I comfort myself with as I attempt to reparent my infant self:
You're my beautiful baby girl
You're an angel in this world
You're adorable
My beautiful baby girl
Labels: attachment, bonding, child abuse, re-parenting, recovery, therapy
July 25, 2007
I Choose To Be, Now I Am Free!
"Beautiful poem Marj.Just remember that swimming through those dark waters is not entirely about getting to the other side.It is about being immersed and yet, still able to care for your wounded selves along the way.This really is the most difficult kind of love to find, and it sounds like you are finding it. What an amazingly healing and nurturing way to speak to these parts of yourself. Sometimes poetry says things in a way that simple language cannot. " (emphasis mine)
Yes, it may sound cliche, but it is about the journey. Every day I choose to heal to be whole. Each day I choose to recover my freedom. I am reclaiming my soul from those people who so desperately tried to murder it. They did not succeed. I am free and whole!
So, here's something from my Meditations page of my website, www.survivorscanthrive.com:
Somewhere along the journey from victim, to survivor to thriver, you realize: you are not broken; you are whole.
~ Robert H. Schuller
***
I Am Whole
I am whole
Nothing can shake me
No one can break me
I am whole
It's what I know
Let go control
I am whole
Can't be defined
One heart, one mind
I am whole
Thought I was broken
Cruel words were spoken
But, I am whole
I choose to be
Now I am free!
Copyright 2006 by Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved
Labels: freedom, healing, journey, Poetry, recovery
June 22, 2007
Happy Anniversary Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!
6/24/07 UPDATE: Ok. Most colors/fonts right now and all links work.
Memorial Edition
I dedicate this first anniversary memorial carnival edition to the memory of Jodi Larson, a fierce advocate for child sexual abuse survivors. Jodi survived CSA herself, but did not survive cancer. She passed at the age of 52 on May 20, 2007. Her memory lives on and I know the legacy of her work will survive as well. I spoke to Jodi's son, Keary Larson, several days ago, and he is looking for assistance to continue his mother's work. If you didn't see my post on May 30, please check it out and check out Jodi's website which remains as well: www.theshowofhands.com.
Carnival Awards Top Participants
I didn't end up getting a lot of repeat article posts, so I decided not to do the "best of" category this month. However, the overall response I received to my request for submissions to our first anniversary Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse was much stronger than I ever could have hoped for or anticipated. Thanks to all 24 participants who helped me compile a total of 30 posts for this edition. It's our biggest carnival ever!
I want to recognize several bloggers who have had the courage to get involved in order to raise awareness on this critical issue month after month over the first year. These bloggers have participated in the carnival at least a half dozen times each, some since the very first debut edition. Some of them have also taken on the added responsibility of hosting a carnival edition. They are the backbone of our carnival and I award them with the Top Carnival Participant Award. (I hope to create and distribute a little award icon soon.) The top participants, in alphabetical order, are: Annaleigh at Blessed Fearscapes, April at Thriver's Toolbox, Emily at Doing It All Again, Lisa at Sadly Normal, and Mike at Child Abuse Survivor.
In total, we have a dozen repeat carnival participants (including me) and seven brand new carnival contributors in this edition. A hearty welcome to all our new participants joining us for the first time! Please visit all these brave bloggers using the links below and leave comments with your support. Please use caution when reading any of these carnival posts. Child abuse is a volatile subject. Destroying the innocent trust of a child is a heinous act. Any and all of these accounts are potentially triggering and disturbing.
Poetry
I'd like to start this edition off with a poem. We're celebrating here--it's our first anniversary! And I'd like to celebrate you! This poem is called, Your Beauty. It was posted under the title, Do You Know That You Are Beautiful?
Another poem I received is from Austin of The People behind My eyes. It's a powerful poem called Your Secret. In the submission form remarks, Austin stated, "Speaking out is power. When I learned that I could talk about the abuse it felt overwhelming, like the memories could kill me. I also saw the more I spoke the more nervous my mother became. People would know the real her and come to know what she put her children through. For me, speaking out about abuse means a form of justice is served for the little girl who was forced to live in silent fear. Speaking out breaks silence but it also serves as a warning that you can't do this to me anymore. I won't be quiet. "
Advocacy & Awareness
I've got nine posts to put up in this category. Yay for us, because raising awareness and advocating for children and abuse survivors is what this carnival is really all about! I'm listing them here in the order in which they were received.
First up is Megan at Imaginif. She did a wonderful job hosting the May edition of the carnival, then got her June article submission right in. Her educational post is called Brush Up On Good and Bad Touch. When submitting this, Megan remarked, "The difference between good and bad touch can be a difficult concept for children to understand. At a protective behaviour training, a little Aboriginal woman shared a fantastic idea of using different brushes to help children understand good touch, warning touch and bad touch. Brush up on protecting your kids by using this fantastic protective play idea. "
The Threat Assessment & Management Specialist over at the Threat Assessment & Management blog writes about pedophiles and the sex offender registry at the post, Public Safety--We Need to Know!
When Summer, at Wired for Noise, submitted her post, We Need Better Daycare, she remarked, "The working poor in America cannot afford quality childcare, and often are forced to leave their children with cheaper caregivers that can be abusive and neglectful."
I got a repeat carnival article from Dr. Deb. It's so important, that I whole-heartedly include the information again here. The post title speaks for itself: What Parents Need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse.
When S'onnie, of Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow, wrote a post simply called, Bullies, several of us who commented on it agreed that allowing a child to continue to be severely bullied is abusive. S'onnie herself remarks, "Bullying is a silent epidemic and often those who are being abused by adults are also being abused by their peer group."
John W is married to Keepers who is a multiple. Together they run a wonderfully helpful, informational and supportive website and blog for survivors and their loved ones. It is called Keepers Korner. John wrote this article to help the significant others to those who suffer from DID/MPD. It is called, DID/MPD--Special People With a Special Message.
Anne-Marie writes a blog called A Mama's Rant. She reminds us how important it is to Google prospective coaches, teachers and instructors of our children to do our own background checks in a post called, A Mistake that Still Makes Me Cringe.
Ani, of My Dissonance, reminds us that child sexual abuse continues to go under reported in a post that says just that: Child Sexual Abuse Goes Vastly Under Reported.
Last, but certainly not least, in our Advocacy & Awareness category, is Mike of Child Abuse Survivor. Mike is one of our bloggers receiving my Top Carnival Participant Award and he's a past host of our carnival. He also contributes to a blog called Friends in Tech and presents this Child Safety Online flier. Mike says, "I am a member of Friends in Tech and recently we put our heads together and came up with a flier with information on keeping kids safe on-line. I think it's a pretty handy resource for parents and others to have around."
In The News
Only some of the child abuse cases that we want to raise awareness about are covered by the traditional news media. Anne-Marie, a new carnival contributor who writes A Mama's Rant (see above), also writes for Teacher Smackdown. The post she submits here highlights a news story involving a teacher that was granted parole after serving only six months of his original ten-year prison sentence for sexually abusing a student. The post is similarly entitled, Teacher Randy Eddy Gets Paroled After Serving Six Months (Out of 10 Years) for Sexually Abusing Student.
Sheppard Salter at Salterblog is another new carnival contributor who also watches the news for the type of insanity that perpetuates child abuse. Here's a post called Insanity At School (Yawn...Nothing New.)
Another recipient of my Top Carnival Participant Award is Emily of Doing It All again. In this post, Emily reveals, I am The One In Nine, and remarks with a question: "Is treatment better than lock and key for child abusers?"
Survivor Stories
As you may have guessed or already know, many of us who contribute to the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse are, indeed, child abuse survivors ourselves. We write about our own experiences and often find that other survivors are drawn to us. In this first Survivor Story post, Faith of Feminist Nation follows a forum discussion about a 20-year-old woman severely sexually abused throughout most of her life.
Austin, of The People Behind My Eyes, offers a survivor proclamation: I will Not Withdraw. She also remarks about, "how regaining a hopeful outlook moved me to seek out others as well as seek out assistance with healing."
Keepers, of Keepers Korner, is a survivor who shares how she learned to appreciate her alters in a post called Our ALTERnate Lifestyle.
Aftermath
You cannot abuse a child without there being serious consequences. Even if the perpetrators think they've "gotten away with it" because there is no legal recourse, our society as a whole pays for child abuse, generation after generation. Children are the future of our species, after all. The writers in our Aftermath category remind us of this fact. First, we have Lisa of Sadly Normal. She is another winner of my Top Carnival Participant Award. Her post is called, Dear Sex Offender And Those That Defend You.
For many multiples--as well as singleton survivors--there is a facade of "looking good." Fallen Angels, of A Safe Place, talks about how her system is designed to uphold this facade in You Look Good.
Jumping in Puddles, of Life Spacings, wrote this Mother's Day post "thanking" her mother for all the tough "lessons" she learned through her abuse. The post is Yeh, Thanks Mum.
JIP, as Jumping In Puddles' blogging friends call her, also wrote this Aftermath post: Imagine If. She warns that this post is "highly sensitive" as it may be quite triggering for readers. I commend JIP for her courage in sharing what a multiple (and possibly many a survivor) goes through in therapy while remembering abuse.
Healing & Therapy
I am proud of this blogger group for raising awareness and advocating for children and survivors as well as presenting their hopeful articles in the Healing & Therapy category. We have nine posts here today. If I had to pick the one top Top Carnival Participant Award recipient, it would probably be April, or April_Optimist, of The Thriver's Toolbox. I believe she's contributed to at least seven carnival editions with at least ten articles, and she usually contributes to the Healing & Therapy category. April is one healing and optimistic thriver!
Today, April has three posts appearing in our carnival. It is a series on relationships: Relationships and Change, The Upside Of Changing Relationships and Relationships Part 3. "I believe that connection with others is a profound human need. And I believe that it is one of the biggest challenges for survivors of abuse," says April. She goes on to remark, "I can't think of anything that impacts our lives more than our relationships or any part of healing that can be more difficult."
Along with Megan, Jeanette Harvey is a contributing writer for Imaginif. Her article, Cultural S.P.I.C.E.S. of Life, talks about the culture of family and offers tough questions that we parent survivors can ask ourselves about our own parenting, with the aim of breaking the cycle of abuse.
Lisa also contributes articles to Imgainif. In Circles of Intimacy, she talks about an important survivor recovery issue: developing healthy personal boundaries.
I was diagnosed with PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, about eight years ago. I wish I would have read our next contributor's article back then. She's a new participant, Patricia Sherman, Ph.D., at Keyboard Culture--Heaing Is Possible. her article is called Helping People Understand You Have PTSD. I appreciated the remarks left by Patricia's blog manager, Lori: "We just found your wonderful site and blog carnival. We are submitting this in hopes that you feel this could be of service to your readers."
I'm proud to call Annaleigh my blogging buddy. Annaleigh runs a website called "As Waters Passing By" and a blog called Blessed Fearscapes. Annaleigh also wins my Top Carnival Participant Award. She's been contributing here since the very first debut edition. I have enjoyed watching Annaleigh heal and grow. She writes about healing, and forgiveness, in her post, Father's Day, Forgiveness & Healing. In her submission remarks, Annaleigh says, "Father's Day, which just passed, is a difficult day for me. Since it was just a little while ago, I decided I would share my feelings about the day."
Here again we have Mike from Child Abuse Survivor. Now, he's writing for his own blog about the healing nature of change in The One Constant. Mike remarks, "I think the idea that things change every day should be a source of hope to survivors as they struggle in their healing."
Jewellybeano is a welcome new contributor to our blog carnival. She writes The Real Me and shares her story of faith and healing for her 12-year-old alter in The Dead Shall Live Again.
Thanks to all the participants, new and old, who contributed to this awesome anniversary edition of our blog carnival. You all are what makes the carnival stay on the road, raising awareness.
Labels: aftermath, blog carnivals, child abuse, child abuse prevention, DID, healing, Jodi Larson, Poetry, recovery, survivor, therapy, Top Carnival Participant Award
June 01, 2007
New Era of Denial & Disbelief
I know I'm overwhelmed. There's a news flash, huh? Gee, how many times can you use the word "overwhelmed" in the same blog?
I waited until my sister's visit was over and then I did my big therapy assignment: the map. I was hoping the prospect of getting more organized, being able to prioritize recovery goals, and gaining more communication and cooperation among parts would outweigh the overwhelm.
I was wrong...initially anyway. Basically, this week, I've just been oscillating between pretending every thing's "fine" and "normal"--especially around my son who is now around every day with school out for the summer--and just shutting down. I've been keeping busy and distracted with mundane things like house cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping.
But, inside, I feel like my head is going to explode. I got slammed with a lot to digest with this map. I got confirmation on a couple of "inner child parts" I identified, then ignored, almost ten years ago. I first wrote about this back in this January post. An "inner child"--really inner teenager--part, Rena is now out, and I remember why I said she scared me! I solidified, on paper, several other parts I've been working with over the last few months. And, I got a few new surprises. Oh joy!
I was looking at the thing, staring back at me from the paper, and I went right back into the familiar, "I'm making all this shit up! This can't be real! I really am just crazy!"
I took the document into my therapist and part of me was hoping she'd clearly see this as well and announce something like, "You might as well rip this up and throw it away. And, while you're at it stop seeing me because I can't help you." Nope. No such luck. Instead, she wants a copy of the map! She said it would be quite helpful to her as my therapist. It was also the first session where she referred to my "System!"
Yikes! I gotta find a way to get used to living in this dissociative twilight zone; it keeps knocking me on my ass!
Labels: denial, dissociation, mapping, parts, recovery, system
April 20, 2007
Where Am I?
Right now I'm dealing with a kind of cluster of parts. It's an urgent need. I have to try to work with these parts in order to stay physically safe. I'm not going to go into the triggering details, but I've had a return of some self-injury issues lately. Damn! It had been over three years since I've SI'd! Now I have to deal with that again.
Apparently there's a part who is convinced that I/we/somebody has to be punished. Oh goody. Like I didn't already receive enough punishment from my parents.
What really freaks me out is this part that I've discovered who is really identified with my perpetrator parents. She's especially identified with my mother. I've heard of this and read about this type of thing before. I just can't believe I'm doing it. I feel very frustrated and disgusted about it. Not to mention scared shitless.
About three weeks ago, after I got triggered really bad, I had an SI incident, but it didn't feel like it was me. For one thing, he didn't do it right and was doing it for entirely different reasons from what I consciously did it in the past. In the past, it was in a trance state--kind of a form of dissociation itself--and actually made me feel somewhat better because afterward I would think, "See, I'm alive. I matter at least this much."
This time it was a punishment for supposedly being a bad mother. This person (who felt male) thought he needed to inflict pain as punishment. My therapist and I have been calling this part "The henchman." Apparently, he works for the woman who's identified with my mother. In therapy, she didn't want to be bothered to talk to me or my T, but at home I had one scary encounter with her.
After running into the bathroom and locking the door (which I often do when I'm triggered and switching all over the place). I was having a conversation with DeeGee (as in D.G., which stands for "Doom and Gloom"). She tends to be a very black-or-white thinker and is usually very "Woe is me" negative. She was claiming that we never get a break with my son and I was begging to differ with her--things have been much better with him this school year.
All of a sudden, DeeGee quickly retreated and I got this terrifying feeling and visual. I don't usually get any kind of visual with my parts. I usually sense them, hear them, or they just kinda push me aside (to the back, whatever) and take over. This was like a palpable, terrifying presence in the room. You know, the kind that makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck. It was like some evil creature rising up out of the black deep. Then she spoke. Yikes, she sounded like my mother! She said, "You don't get a break. You don't deserve a break!" Aaaahhhh! I got out of there right away. My bathroom was no longer a safe place at that moment.
I was trying to figure out who this character reminded me of. Yes, a character; someone from a story. I have a boy who was not born until 1997. But, somehow I remember a character from the Disney movie, "The Little Mermaid." I had to Google her. Her name is Ursula, the octopus-type evil sea witch. Good grief! I've got someone like that living inside me? Lord help me!
Mercifully, I don't seem to be aware of her out and wreaking havoc very often. On the other hand, her henchman comes out whenever I think I'm a bad person and get triggered in that way. He wants to bash my head in. Enter another part who keeps the body still so that can't happen. I've been calling her Serena. She's not exactly serene, but she does seem to be successful at keeping everything calm. It's an eerie calm, really. An outside viewer would think me downright catatonic when she's out.
It's not that I'm depressed when I'm in this state. It's just that I don't move. The other day, my husband came home from work while I was sitting in a chair in this state. He finally asked, "Am I speaking to Marj? Where's Marj?" Serena spoke only seven words: "I'm here because I can stay calm." That about sums up her role.
Just the other day--when the urge to be physically violent was particularly overwhelming--Serena got very assertive. She stated very firmly and clearly that we were not permitted to look at anything, hear anything or think about anything. She said that I/we/the body could blink, swallow and breathe. And that was it. Period. My husband and son were arguing at the time and the sound was triggering me badly. So, I reclined on my bedroom floor right next to my humidifier. I clicked it on. It was able to drown out all sound. I stared at the blank, white ceiling. I must of stayed there for almost two hours.
Every time I started to think, "This is stupid." or "This is extreme and unnecessary," and started to get up off the floor, I realized the method to the madness. Anytime I started to think about anything, I got the strong urge to injure myself. So, instead of fighting it, I've just let Serena take over at these stressful times.
I'm starting to feel really ganged up on and out-numbered. But, I'm trying to remember that each part was created for a reason and plays a role. My T asked me if there was a part inside who believed they needed to be punished. I guess it makes sense for the punisher to have a punishee, doesn't it? We've been working on that this week. The pain is immense. I think the depths of the pain scares me even more than the horror of the evil.
I feel like some swimmer who thought she was strong and could take on the crossing of the English Channel. Only, now I'm out here in the water all alone and I realize what I'm crossing is vast. It's a vast sea of grief, pain, terror and horror. What I'm really attempting to cross is the entire Atlantic Ocean. I think, "Of my God! I should never have attempted this! I've got to turn back!" The problem is, I'm halfway across now and it would take just as long to go back as it would to continue on.
Here's the other thing: I have to do it for that little girl who is so convinced that she has no value whatever and deserves all the abuse she gets. She's lost there; scared and alone. I have to sacrifice whatever it takes to finally save her. She deserves that much. I deserve to rescue myself. Even if I have to swim an entire ocean to reach her...to reach the safe shore of my true self.
Labels: abuse, dissociation, parts, recovery
March 20, 2007
Broken to Pieces
I'm going to be out of town for Spring Break next week. I had a new part emerge that scares me to my core (way more than Sentry did in the beginning). I think she's very identified with my perpetrator parents. I decided to put working with her and my therapist on hold until I get back into town. I just don't want to be left hanging in the middle of something huge and scary while I'm out of town and away from my therapist.
So, yesterday, at my T appointment, I ran this past my T and we moved on to "lighter" topics (are there really any light topics?). I decided to run a few physical complaints by her. I've mentioned these to mental health providors in the past and never really gotten anywhere with it. I think I've mentioned these trouble makers on my blog. One is the annoying problem of not being able to swallow food sometimes (unfortunatley, this has not led me to become thin).
My other physical problem is really causing me to lose sleep lately. When I sought advice from a medical doc about it, he wanted to do surgery so I walked out of his office. It's the old complaint about my arms falling asleep and going dead on me again. When I think about the assaults where my arms were pinned down, I can't help but think that this complaint has a trauma component. I seemed to get some relief from this for about two years when I was going to another therapist twice a week and doing a lot of trauma processing. My current T suggested that I inquire within myself as to what this symptom was trying to tell me.
So, this morning after about the millionth time that the rest of me was awake because my arms were asleep, I asked for the message. What came to me was loads of grief--not fear as I would have suspected.
We've all had our hearts broken at least once, right? I know I've been through that kind of "lost love" grief more than once. But, how do you mend the broken heart of a child? How do you pick up the pieces after the ultimate betrayal by the parents who were supposed to love and care for you?
I feel like the proverbial Humpty Dumpty. My heart is broken to pieces, as well as my mind. And all the king's therapists and all the king's doctors will never be able to put all my pieces back together again.
Labels: abuse, body connection, body memories, child abuse, child parts, dissociation, grieving, healing, inner child, recovery, therapy
