Survivors Can Thrive!

• see CLICHE.
• platitudinous see BANAL.

Doesn't sound too good, does it?

What I'm about to tell you may not sound too good, either...at least at first. I'm about to be painfully honest here. Please use caution; there are words about not wanting--and then, wanting--to live ahead. This could be triggering for some! Or, you may want to scroll down to the good message--"Don't Give Up" and "Don't Quit"-- at the end of this post.

There was some very recent planning on the part (no pun intended) of at least one or two of my parts (I know! They are part of me; I'm responsible). It involved a possible suicide plan or what I call one of the many "running away" plans.

Now, before you send the white coats after me, because I'm a "danger to myself or others," please hear me out. I had a therapist back in Illinois--years ago--who said that "thoughts of suicide" had really become just a habit for me. At first, I was quite defensive about her comment. But, then I understood. What she meant was that suicide had become a type of "fail-safe" option for me, when it seemed I had no options left in life.

Doesn't that kinda make sense--albeit, in a morbid sort of way? If one has no options left in life, then "LIFE" no longer seems like an option, right?

When I was down at Timberlawn in Dallas, doing the Colin A. Ross program in outpatient mode a couple of years ago, one of the things they kept harping away at was: "You always have options!" They were also quite fond of saying things like, "Use your discernment; you always have options." They really liked the words, "discernment" and "options." At the time, I bit my tongue and kept from saying, "Yeah, I may have options, but all of them suck!"

Ever felt that way? I betcha you have. Well, I sure have plenty of times, I'll admit. I've felt that way quite a bit over the past two months. I told you about my recent, really big-time dissociative episode, didn't I? Well, after I finally, slowly came down out of that dark cloud, I realized that I had pissed a lot of people off. (This is IRL--in real life, folks.) Some still aren't talking to me. I was feeling like I was never going to be forgiven. Sound familiar? Yep, it reminded me of the many ways my mother aka "egg donor"--as my twin likes to refer to her--used to heap spiritual/religious abuse on me as a kid.

The thing that was really pretty crazy about it (my life crazy? naaahhhh!) was that this was one of the more "acceptable" dissociative periods I've had. Like I said before, I managed to stay out of the hospital this time...and most of the time, the part that was out was a part I have that I nicknamed, "The Professional." She's really quite efficient and "manages" things quite well most of the time she's allowed some freedom.

Gee whiz! I can only imagine how much people would hate me now if one of my "less functional," or "more rude," or "more crazy-acting" parts had been out a lot recently. I'd really be crucified then, I guess.

But, there's the rub: I didn't go into the hospital this time and a lot of people saw me acting nuts. So, I've spent a lot of time lately feeling even worse about myself than usual. I feel like, God forbid, I inconvenienced people. God forbid, I made people feel uncomfortable. God forbid, I annoyed people. God forbid, I should ever be a burden to anyone. Whatever...you get the picture. Sooo, then I felt like I was very much: judged, condemned, and crucified.

I guess, when you already feel condemned and crucified--um, ya know, like DEAD--that old familiar feeling of wanting-to-be-dead isn't too far behind, eh?

And that brings me to something I want to qualify here: I don't usually feel out-and-out suicidal.

Instead of having any desire to actually kill myself, I often feel like I simply don't want to live...here...alive...on this planet. I've talked before about feeling like an alien here, haven't I? Or maybe that was on my short-lived blog, "Silence The Shame!"

Anyway, I was just going about my business, trying to process this type of shitty self-esteem stuff with my therapist, when the PTSD symptoms returned big time. The nightmares were especially horrific. These led, of course--oh, goody!--to more, new torture-related memories.

This leads me to another thing I want to qualify about not always wanting to live. The feeling, or "logic," often goes something like this: The Universe, Divine, God, Goddess...whatever...has made a mistake. For some insane reason, my soul or some other powers-that-be, decided my spirit could take on this life of horrors. "Bring it on, Universe! I can handle it!" That musta been what my pre-human soul said to someone in charge. "The ultimate in child torture? No prob. The most hideous of the heinous? Got it covered! The most terrifying of the terror? I'm all over it! Whatever this life throws at me, I'm there!"

Uh. Hello? Somebody stop the world! I wanna get off! Who was it who decided I could handle all this crazy-ass shit in this lifetime? I'm sure it wasn't me. I want a re-do! "Do-Over!" Unfortunately, nobody seems to hear me. So, I start thinking of checking out...giving up...getting out. At the very least, I just stare off into space or play Solitaire or Mahjong on my computer for hours and hours.

I get down and give up because, now, I've decided instead: "I can't take this life. I've changed my mind."

So, here's what I just figured out. I allow my part(s)--at least the ones who are really revving to the above, "stinkin'-thinkin" credo--to brainstorm ideas for "a plan." It's usually not a suicide/death plan at my own hand at all. It's usually something more like, "Maybe I'll just wander off into the wilderness and Mother Nature, or God, will just take me." I have no strength left. Maybe I can just fade away.

Well, this is really a big clue that it's one of my parts scheming. Like that would ever happen, right? Like death--just as life--would ever be that easy! Oh, contraire!

But, the new-to-me point is that I allow the plans to be made to a certain extent. But, I only allow such scheming/planning for a set amount of time. AND--very important--I don't allow any consideration of any such plan to be scheduled to be put into place for at least one week. I tell my parts something like: "Okay. Now if we all agree that there's no other choice but to put this plan into play after one week has passed, we'll reconvene and discuss this 'option' some more."

Almost immediately--when I allow myself this mental/emotional exercise--I begin to feel much better. After all, I now have a plan. I now see an option, no matter how "negative" an option, or how you want to look at it.

Well, less than one week has passed since I went through this whole process last. And guess what? I'm glad I waited. Sounds crazy (no matter which way you may look at it), but it's true. Instead of giving up today, I decided to get up off my butt. I actually had more energy when I awoke this morning than I've had for weeks.

And, then, here's what happened: I pulled out a pad of paper to make a grocery list, and guess what I saw? A version of the "Don't Quit" poem printed there. I got to looking around on the Internet and saw lots of stuff on various versions of this poem (attributed to so many authors, I wouldn't even know where to begin--so I won't). There's a YouTube video montage with the "Don't Quit" poem that I'll paste up below. The poem is printed as a prayer on the back of St. Jude Holy Cards you can find at this site here. There's even a website called The Don't Quit Poem dot com. Many sites claim the poem is simply "anonymous."

Now, on my paper pad, the "Don't Quit" poem is quite different from the above-mentioned poem sources. The notepad doesn't have any author credited at all. But, this poem version is a lot shorter than the other one I've mentioned, so I'll stick it right here:

Don't Quit

When your luck is down

and your world goes wrong,

when life's all uphill

and the road is long--

keep your spirits high

for through thick and thin

you must carry on

if you are to win.

Never mind if things

slow you down a bit;

you'll come out on top--

but you mustn't quit.

So here's the deal. For today, anyway, I commit not to quit. Now I don't want to simply offer hollow platitudes here, but I hope that at least some morsel of this may inspire, motivate, help, comfort or in any other small way just show empathy for you out there...and what you are going through. Because I know, for many of you, it could be really shitty. And, I know, for at least some of you, all your options look like they suck right now.

But, at least for today, decide not to give up yet. Just for today, decide not to quit. That's what I did. At least for today. Who knows? Now, I'm not going to tell you, that if you just don't quit, you'll win the lottery tomorrow...or you'll meet your new best friend...or you'll find true love. But, if you just wait, there may be something good left in you that you will discover. If you just wait, there may be something sweet for you to yet taste in life. If you just wait, your child may do something so adorable, you decide you're glad you didn't miss it. If you just wait, you may be struck by some awesome beauty in the natural world around you.

If you just don't quit today...if you just wait...you never know...

Labels: child abuse, don't give up, don't quit, hope, inspiration, motivation, nightmares, poem, Poetry, PTSD, self-esteem, self-worth, suicide prevention, survivor, therapy, thriver, torture

# posted by Marj aka Thriver @ Monday, October 06, 2008 20 comments

Labels: Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, inner child, links, love, meme, parts, survivor, survivor needs, trust

# posted by Marj aka Thriver @ Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9 comments

Labels: advocacy, awareness, blog carnivals, freedom, survivor

# posted by Marj aka Thriver @ Friday, July 27, 2007 10 comments

6/24/07 UPDATE: Ok. Most colors/fonts right now and all links work.

Memorial Edition

I dedicate this first anniversary memorial carnival edition to the memory of Jodi Larson, a fierce advocate for child sexual abuse survivors. Jodi survived CSA herself, but did not survive cancer. She passed at the age of 52 on May 20, 2007. Her memory lives on and I know the legacy of her work will survive as well. I spoke to Jodi's son, Keary Larson, several days ago, and he is looking for assistance to continue his mother's work. If you didn't see my post on May 30, please check it out and check out Jodi's website which remains as well: www.theshowofhands.com.

Carnival Awards Top Participants

I didn't end up getting a lot of repeat article posts, so I decided not to do the "best of" category this month. However, the overall response I received to my request for submissions to our first anniversary Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse was much stronger than I ever could have hoped for or anticipated. Thanks to all 24 participants who helped me compile a total of 30 posts for this edition. It's our biggest carnival ever!

I want to recognize several bloggers who have had the courage to get involved in order to raise awareness on this critical issue month after month over the first year. These bloggers have participated in the carnival at least a half dozen times each, some since the very first debut edition. Some of them have also taken on the added responsibility of hosting a carnival edition. They are the backbone of our carnival and I award them with the Top Carnival Participant Award. (I hope to create and distribute a little award icon soon.) The top participants, in alphabetical order, are: Annaleigh at Blessed Fearscapes, April at Thriver's Toolbox, Emily at Doing It All Again, Lisa at Sadly Normal, and Mike at Child Abuse Survivor.

In total, we have a dozen repeat carnival participants (including me) and seven brand new carnival contributors in this edition. A hearty welcome to all our new participants joining us for the first time! Please visit all these brave bloggers using the links below and leave comments with your support. Please use caution when reading any of these carnival posts. Child abuse is a volatile subject. Destroying the innocent trust of a child is a heinous act. Any and all of these accounts are potentially triggering and disturbing.

Poetry

I'd like to start this edition off with a poem. We're celebrating here--it's our first anniversary! And I'd like to celebrate you! This poem is called, Your Beauty. It was posted under the title, Do You Know That You Are Beautiful?

Another poem I received is from Austin of The People behind My eyes. It's a powerful poem called Your Secret. In the submission form remarks, Austin stated, "Speaking out is power. When I learned that I could talk about the abuse it felt overwhelming, like the memories could kill me. I also saw the more I spoke the more nervous my mother became. People would know the real her and come to know what she put her children through. For me, speaking out about abuse means a form of justice is served for the little girl who was forced to live in silent fear. Speaking out breaks silence but it also serves as a warning that you can't do this to me anymore. I won't be quiet. "

Advocacy & Awareness

I've got nine posts to put up in this category. Yay for us, because raising awareness and advocating for children and abuse survivors is what this carnival is really all about! I'm listing them here in the order in which they were received.

First up is Megan at Imaginif. She did a wonderful job hosting the May edition of the carnival, then got her June article submission right in. Her educational post is called Brush Up On Good and Bad Touch. When submitting this, Megan remarked, "The difference between good and bad touch can be a difficult concept for children to understand. At a protective behaviour training, a little Aboriginal woman shared a fantastic idea of using different brushes to help children understand good touch, warning touch and bad touch. Brush up on protecting your kids by using this fantastic protective play idea. "

The Threat Assessment & Management Specialist over at the Threat Assessment & Management blog writes about pedophiles and the sex offender registry at the post, Public Safety--We Need to Know!

When Summer, at Wired for Noise, submitted her post, We Need Better Daycare, she remarked, "The working poor in America cannot afford quality childcare, and often are forced to leave their children with cheaper caregivers that can be abusive and neglectful."

I got a repeat carnival article from Dr. Deb. It's so important, that I whole-heartedly include the information again here. The post title speaks for itself: What Parents Need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse.

When S'onnie, of Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow, wrote a post simply called, Bullies, several of us who commented on it agreed that allowing a child to continue to be severely bullied is abusive. S'onnie herself remarks, "Bullying is a silent epidemic and often those who are being abused by adults are also being abused by their peer group."

John W is married to Keepers who is a multiple. Together they run a wonderfully helpful, informational and supportive website and blog for survivors and their loved ones. It is called Keepers Korner. John wrote this article to help the significant others to those who suffer from DID/MPD. It is called, DID/MPD--Special People With a Special Message.

Anne-Marie writes a blog called A Mama's Rant. She reminds us how important it is to Google prospective coaches, teachers and instructors of our children to do our own background checks in a post called, A Mistake that Still Makes Me Cringe.

Ani, of My Dissonance, reminds us that child sexual abuse continues to go under reported in a post that says just that: Child Sexual Abuse Goes Vastly Under Reported.

Last, but certainly not least, in our Advocacy & Awareness category, is Mike of Child Abuse Survivor. Mike is one of our bloggers receiving my Top Carnival Participant Award and he's a past host of our carnival. He also contributes to a blog called Friends in Tech and presents this Child Safety Online flier. Mike says, "I am a member of Friends in Tech and recently we put our heads together and came up with a flier with information on keeping kids safe on-line. I think it's a pretty handy resource for parents and others to have around."

In The News

Only some of the child abuse cases that we want to raise awareness about are covered by the traditional news media. Anne-Marie, a new carnival contributor who writes A Mama's Rant (see above), also writes for Teacher Smackdown. The post she submits here highlights a news story involving a teacher that was granted parole after serving only six months of his original ten-year prison sentence for sexually abusing a student. The post is similarly entitled, Teacher Randy Eddy Gets Paroled After Serving Six Months (Out of 10 Years) for Sexually Abusing Student.

Sheppard Salter at Salterblog is another new carnival contributor who also watches the news for the type of insanity that perpetuates child abuse. Here's a post called Insanity At School (Yawn...Nothing New.)

Another recipient of my Top Carnival Participant Award is Emily of Doing It All again. In this post, Emily reveals, I am The One In Nine, and remarks with a question: "Is treatment better than lock and key for child abusers?"

Survivor Stories

As you may have guessed or already know, many of us who contribute to the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse are, indeed, child abuse survivors ourselves. We write about our own experiences and often find that other survivors are drawn to us. In this first Survivor Story post, Faith of Feminist Nation follows a forum discussion about a 20-year-old woman severely sexually abused throughout most of her life.

Austin, of The People Behind My Eyes, offers a survivor proclamation: I will Not Withdraw. She also remarks about, "how regaining a hopeful outlook moved me to seek out others as well as seek out assistance with healing."

Keepers, of Keepers Korner, is a survivor who shares how she learned to appreciate her alters in a post called Our ALTERnate Lifestyle.

Aftermath

You cannot abuse a child without there being serious consequences. Even if the perpetrators think they've "gotten away with it" because there is no legal recourse, our society as a whole pays for child abuse, generation after generation. Children are the future of our species, after all. The writers in our Aftermath category remind us of this fact. First, we have Lisa of Sadly Normal. She is another winner of my Top Carnival Participant Award. Her post is called, Dear Sex Offender And Those That Defend You.

For many multiples--as well as singleton survivors--there is a facade of "looking good." Fallen Angels, of A Safe Place, talks about how her system is designed to uphold this facade in You Look Good.

Jumping in Puddles, of Life Spacings, wrote this Mother's Day post "thanking" her mother for all the tough "lessons" she learned through her abuse. The post is Yeh, Thanks Mum.

JIP, as Jumping In Puddles' blogging friends call her, also wrote this Aftermath post: Imagine If. She warns that this post is "highly sensitive" as it may be quite triggering for readers. I commend JIP for her courage in sharing what a multiple (and possibly many a survivor) goes through in therapy while remembering abuse.

Healing & Therapy

I am proud of this blogger group for raising awareness and advocating for children and survivors as well as presenting their hopeful articles in the Healing & Therapy category. We have nine posts here today. If I had to pick the one top Top Carnival Participant Award recipient, it would probably be April, or April_Optimist, of The Thriver's Toolbox. I believe she's contributed to at least seven carnival editions with at least ten articles, and she usually contributes to the Healing & Therapy category. April is one healing and optimistic thriver!

Today, April has three posts appearing in our carnival. It is a series on relationships: Relationships and Change, The Upside Of Changing Relationships and Relationships Part 3. "I believe that connection with others is a profound human need. And I believe that it is one of the biggest challenges for survivors of abuse," says April. She goes on to remark, "I can't think of anything that impacts our lives more than our relationships or any part of healing that can be more difficult."

Along with Megan, Jeanette Harvey is a contributing writer for Imaginif. Her article, Cultural S.P.I.C.E.S. of Life, talks about the culture of family and offers tough questions that we parent survivors can ask ourselves about our own parenting, with the aim of breaking the cycle of abuse.

Lisa also contributes articles to Imgainif. In Circles of Intimacy, she talks about an important survivor recovery issue: developing healthy personal boundaries.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, about eight years ago. I wish I would have read our next contributor's article back then. She's a new participant, Patricia Sherman, Ph.D., at Keyboard Culture--Heaing Is Possible. her article is called Helping People Understand You Have PTSD. I appreciated the remarks left by Patricia's blog manager, Lori: "We just found your wonderful site and blog carnival. We are submitting this in hopes that you feel this could be of service to your readers."

I'm proud to call Annaleigh my blogging buddy. Annaleigh runs a website called "As Waters Passing By" and a blog called Blessed Fearscapes. Annaleigh also wins my Top Carnival Participant Award. She's been contributing here since the very first debut edition. I have enjoyed watching Annaleigh heal and grow. She writes about healing, and forgiveness, in her post, Father's Day, Forgiveness & Healing. In her submission remarks, Annaleigh says, "Father's Day, which just passed, is a difficult day for me. Since it was just a little while ago, I decided I would share my feelings about the day."

Here again we have Mike from Child Abuse Survivor. Now, he's writing for his own blog about the healing nature of change in The One Constant. Mike remarks, "I think the idea that things change every day should be a source of hope to survivors as they struggle in their healing."

Jewellybeano is a welcome new contributor to our blog carnival. She writes The Real Me and shares her story of faith and healing for her 12-year-old alter in The Dead Shall Live Again.

Thanks to all the participants, new and old, who contributed to this awesome anniversary edition of our blog carnival. You all are what makes the carnival stay on the road, raising awareness.

Labels: aftermath, blog carnivals, child abuse, child abuse prevention, DID, healing, Jodi Larson, Poetry, recovery, survivor, therapy, Top Carnival Participant Award

# posted by Marj aka Thriver @ Friday, June 22, 2007 28 comments