June 01, 2007


New Era of Denial & Disbelief

My sister has been gone for almost a week. I haven't heard a word from her. Maybe she launched into a busy phase, going after that new job prospect she told me about. Maybe she's mad at me because she doesn't think I was a good enough hostess during the three weeks she was here. Maybe she's just overwhelmed because she went back home to her twice-a-week therapy schedule.

I know I'm overwhelmed. There's a news flash, huh? Gee, how many times can you use the word "overwhelmed" in the same blog?

I waited until my sister's visit was over and then I did my big therapy assignment: the map. I was hoping the prospect of getting more organized, being able to prioritize recovery goals, and gaining more communication and cooperation among parts would outweigh the overwhelm.

I was wrong...initially anyway. Basically, this week, I've just been oscillating between pretending every thing's "fine" and "normal"--especially around my son who is now around every day with school out for the summer--and just shutting down. I've been keeping busy and distracted with mundane things like house cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping.

But, inside, I feel like my head is going to explode. I got slammed with a lot to digest with this map. I got confirmation on a couple of "inner child parts" I identified, then ignored, almost ten years ago. I first wrote about this back in this
January post. An "inner child"--really inner teenager--part, Rena is now out, and I remember why I said she scared me! I solidified, on paper, several other parts I've been working with over the last few months. And, I got a few new surprises. Oh joy!

I was looking at the thing, staring back at me from the paper, and I went right back into the familiar, "I'm making all this shit up! This can't be real! I really am just crazy!"

I took the document into my therapist and part of me was hoping she'd clearly see this as well and announce something like, "You might as well rip this up and throw it away. And, while you're at it stop seeing me because I can't help you." Nope. No such luck. Instead, she wants a copy of the map! She said it would be quite helpful to her as my therapist. It was also the first session where she referred to my "System!"

Yikes! I gotta find a way to get used to living in this dissociative twilight zone; it keeps knocking me on my ass!

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"i'm fine" and "i'm okay" 2 phrases that when they are spoken by a multiple it means batten down the hatches something is brewing! yes, we understand, all too well. maps and visuals you can make that describe your system or clan or family are very useful to many therapists, sounds like a good idea. we made an internal family tree once for our last therapist and it helped her quite a bit, and for that matter us also.

peace and blessings

I think you are doing a great job of working through everything. If there is one thing I learnt when I was in the middle of a crisis is that the home work my shrink set me seemed like complete rubish to me when I finished it but he always said it was exactly what he wanted. Now my shrink would quite happily tell me when I was producing crap so when he said I wasn't I knew it was the truth. I think we are more honest with things when we are in crisis simply because all our energy is going to other things rather then covering up the truth. Its hard work and emotionally draining but when you get past this time you realise how much better you are for having gone through it.

I have a friend who constantly reminded me of one thing when I was really struggling and this was to be kind to myself and do something for myself every day whether it is taking 5 minute to smell the grass or taking a nice long realaxing bath but do something nice for me so I want to pass this wisdom onto you. be kind to yourself! and do something nice for youself every day! you deserve it
I hope it will end up being helpful. Thanks, Keepers!
S'onnie: you're right, we both deserve to be kind to ourselves. Let's all remember that.
lol we stiull havent given up hope our diagnosis is wrong, dont think we ever will, just cant get our T to change her mind either :P:P
Oh and the map thing hehehe we dont do that now either the map got too big :P:P
JIP: i'm going to try to keep my sense of humor about it like you do. :)
A link to you site has been added onto a page of my own site, created as a listing of known public survivors blogs. As a survivor I’m trying to reach out and connect with as many other survivors in the blogging community as I can. My hope is that these blogs, yours included, might be helpful to others in the survivor community. If for any reason you would like me to remove the link to your site please let me know. My contact information is listed below. And please, if you know of any survivor blogs that you think might be helpful, or if you own one that isn’t yet listed on this page please let me know and I’ll check it out.

Thank you,
~ Ani Star

PS: Also if you would like me to edit, delete, or add any information regarding your site please let me know. :)

My Dissonance
URL: http://withdissonance.net
Email: anistar@withdissonance.net
Self-love is important, especially at a time like this. Patience and kindness too.
You're right, Dr. Deb. Thanks for the reminder.
Ani: thanks for the link. I'm glad you checked back, because I noticed I had your link transposed with Modern feminist. I got that fixed now. I'll add you to my dot com sit, too. I'm just a little slow at adding things over there. Will get to it while my son's at day camp next week. Peace!

Hang in there. As for how weird this can seem, well, it's a tool to understand what's happening. A way to quantify it. A way to get a handle on it so you can use it to move forward.

Maybe make a list of all the things you LIKE about yourself so that in difficult moments you can pull it out and remind yourself. (And if you have trouble thinking of things to put on the list I bet all of us can help you.)
That's sweet, April. thanks
TEST! Blogger won't let me log in again and, apparently, the only comments I can publish are my own. aaarrrgghhhh!
OK seems to be working again today.
Ha! When I was in therapy I couldn't get my therapist to change her mind about my diagnosis either.

A good friend was married to a man with DID, with hundreds of parts. She's pretty much a walking encyclopedia on the subject, as she helped him with his multiplicity for over 10 years. I'm always trying to stump her by presenting her with some new form of proof that I don't have DID after all. Never works! Nothing I say convinces her that I'm a singleton. She tells me that her hubby was always in denial about the whole thing. Guess it goes with the territory.
So glad to "see" you, Beauty! I've missed you and been thinking about you a lot. Yeah, I guess it's good to know that denial, as well, is "normal."
Just keep taking it one healthy step at a time!
Thanks, Karma! Good advice and I do feel right now that I am moving forward...and it sure feels good!
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