June 01, 2007
New Era of Denial & Disbelief
I know I'm overwhelmed. There's a news flash, huh? Gee, how many times can you use the word "overwhelmed" in the same blog?
I waited until my sister's visit was over and then I did my big therapy assignment: the map. I was hoping the prospect of getting more organized, being able to prioritize recovery goals, and gaining more communication and cooperation among parts would outweigh the overwhelm.
I was wrong...initially anyway. Basically, this week, I've just been oscillating between pretending every thing's "fine" and "normal"--especially around my son who is now around every day with school out for the summer--and just shutting down. I've been keeping busy and distracted with mundane things like house cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping.
But, inside, I feel like my head is going to explode. I got slammed with a lot to digest with this map. I got confirmation on a couple of "inner child parts" I identified, then ignored, almost ten years ago. I first wrote about this back in this January post. An "inner child"--really inner teenager--part, Rena is now out, and I remember why I said she scared me! I solidified, on paper, several other parts I've been working with over the last few months. And, I got a few new surprises. Oh joy!
I was looking at the thing, staring back at me from the paper, and I went right back into the familiar, "I'm making all this shit up! This can't be real! I really am just crazy!"
I took the document into my therapist and part of me was hoping she'd clearly see this as well and announce something like, "You might as well rip this up and throw it away. And, while you're at it stop seeing me because I can't help you." Nope. No such luck. Instead, she wants a copy of the map! She said it would be quite helpful to her as my therapist. It was also the first session where she referred to my "System!"
Yikes! I gotta find a way to get used to living in this dissociative twilight zone; it keeps knocking me on my ass!
peace and blessings
I have a friend who constantly reminded me of one thing when I was really struggling and this was to be kind to myself and do something for myself every day whether it is taking 5 minute to smell the grass or taking a nice long realaxing bath but do something nice for me so I want to pass this wisdom onto you. be kind to yourself! and do something nice for youself every day! you deserve it
Oh and the map thing hehehe we dont do that now either the map got too big :P:P
~ Ani Star
PS: Also if you would like me to edit, delete, or add any information regarding your site please let me know. :)
Hang in there. As for how weird this can seem, well, it's a tool to understand what's happening. A way to quantify it. A way to get a handle on it so you can use it to move forward.
Maybe make a list of all the things you LIKE about yourself so that in difficult moments you can pull it out and remind yourself. (And if you have trouble thinking of things to put on the list I bet all of us can help you.)
A good friend was married to a man with DID, with hundreds of parts. She's pretty much a walking encyclopedia on the subject, as she helped him with his multiplicity for over 10 years. I'm always trying to stump her by presenting her with some new form of proof that I don't have DID after all. Never works! Nothing I say convinces her that I'm a singleton. She tells me that her hubby was always in denial about the whole thing. Guess it goes with the territory.
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