September 10, 2010
It's Whiny Weeny Time
I hate to be a whiny weeny, but things are just so hard sometimes, ya know? I'm having some really rough body memories and reactions to the therapy I'm doing right now. I'm just so exhausted from it all and now my body is reacting to it, too. I won't go into the gory details, but I'm having some gastrointestinal ickyness and now I've got a bad cold.
I'm still reeling from the fact that my son got suspended from school the other day. He has to be suspended for a minimum of five days, which means I'm basically home schooling him at the moment. We go for a hearing next week. It's a long, crazy story.
Do you ever want to ask, "Why me, Universe, really? Could you pick on somebody else for a while?"
I'll put up a post about our next blog carnival. It will be next week, folks, so look at the widget on my sidebar and get those posts in, please. Other than keeping up with that, I'm going to be a bit under the radar some more for a while. Thanks for your patience, understanding, and continuing those very thoughtful and supportive comments, all. I do appreciate you greatly.
I'm still reeling from the fact that my son got suspended from school the other day. He has to be suspended for a minimum of five days, which means I'm basically home schooling him at the moment. We go for a hearing next week. It's a long, crazy story.
Do you ever want to ask, "Why me, Universe, really? Could you pick on somebody else for a while?"
I'll put up a post about our next blog carnival. It will be next week, folks, so look at the widget on my sidebar and get those posts in, please. Other than keeping up with that, I'm going to be a bit under the radar some more for a while. Thanks for your patience, understanding, and continuing those very thoughtful and supportive comments, all. I do appreciate you greatly.
Labels: aftermath, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, body connection, body memories, IBS, support, therapy
August 09, 2010
Set-Back Subsiding? An Update
Thank you, sweet bloggy friends, for your support on my last post. Wow! That was a rough one. I was basically out of commission entirely for about three days, then another couple of days were needed to get back more completely to myself. It was the most dissociated I've been for quite a while. The good news is that I didn't run away or act out in any bizarre, alienating ways, freaking out family and friends around me. What I did instead is just hunker down and lay low for a while. I slept a lot and I attempted a lot of comforting. Today was the first day when it felt like the comforting was actually getting through.
It's ironic because I was just talking to my T about getting back to weekly therapy appointments so that we can work on the "Annual Fall Freak-out" issues. I was hoping--with a lot of work--that I'd get by relatively unscathed this year, starting when the kids go back to school. This dentist freak-out incident doesn't leave me feeling too confident about that anymore.
But, back to what happened at the dentist's office. The long and short of the matter is that this dentist started in on a procedure, but didn't warn me of what he was going to do. This was after getting up my nerve again to get into his office after about three years. We've been trying to figure out what was causing so much pain for me. I was feeling like a hypochondriac while we were trying to solve this dental mystery. I knew that I had cracks in my teeth (from clenching them) and I've been wearing a night guard for three years to help with that. But, I didn't know what was causing such extreme pain in this one location.
Well, come to find out, I have a deep crack in one of my teeth that goes completely across the entire tooth. We don't know for sure how deep it is. The dentist decided to fill this tooth, even though this particular tooth has never had a cavity. Instead of telling me this, he just goes in and starts causing pain in my gums.
I was like, "Uh, hello?! What is it exactly that you are doing right now?" He basically laughs off my question. He didn't throw is head back with a belly laugh, but he kinda scoffed and said something like, "Oh, that couldn't possibly have hurt much!" I wanted to slap the uncaring bastard across the face! He added, "I was just giving you a local anesthetic so that this shot of Novocain I'm about to give you won't hurt as much."
I said, "Listen! Not only do I have extreme dental fear and childhood trauma, I also have dental trauma. I have PTSD and a dissociative disorder. If you tell me what you are going to do before you do it, that will help a lot."
I should be proud of myself that I was assertive like that (although I was pissed that it became necessary for me to repeat my trauma story for like the millionth time with this thoughtless person who forgets and doesn't care, when I told my story and made my requirements abundantly clear before I ever allowed these people to touch me three years ago!) But, you know what? It was too late. The next thing I knew I was in a dissociative stupor. It was like I had fallen down a deep, black hole and I couldn't crawl back out.
It was a miracle I got myself back home. My son noticed how tranced out I was and asked, "Wow, Mom! What did they give you at the dentist's office? Some heavy drugs or something?" I said, "No. I'm just extremely dissociated." Then, I just crawled into bed and vegged out.
I want to tell this jerkoid dentist that he owes me at least three days of my damn life back!
I don't know what I'm going to do now. He says I need to put a crown over that cracked tooth or I could have an abscess or have to have a root canal...or I don't know what else he was rambling on about in a very put-fear-into-the-patient's-soul, very poor bedside manner sort of way. By then, I was already too far gone dissociatively speaking. I was basically a zombie by that time. All I really remember is repeating in my head over and over, "Just get the hell out of here and then you're never coming back!"
The real pisser about this whole situation is that this is the second dentist I've had trouble with in the last six years and both of them were specifically recommended to me by people in the field as dentists who had special training for trauma survivors and folks with extreme dental fear. I'd like to know how the sadistic jerks who don't have the appropriate training act and treat their patients! No. Never mind. I don't want to know.
It's ironic because I was just talking to my T about getting back to weekly therapy appointments so that we can work on the "Annual Fall Freak-out" issues. I was hoping--with a lot of work--that I'd get by relatively unscathed this year, starting when the kids go back to school. This dentist freak-out incident doesn't leave me feeling too confident about that anymore.
But, back to what happened at the dentist's office. The long and short of the matter is that this dentist started in on a procedure, but didn't warn me of what he was going to do. This was after getting up my nerve again to get into his office after about three years. We've been trying to figure out what was causing so much pain for me. I was feeling like a hypochondriac while we were trying to solve this dental mystery. I knew that I had cracks in my teeth (from clenching them) and I've been wearing a night guard for three years to help with that. But, I didn't know what was causing such extreme pain in this one location.
Well, come to find out, I have a deep crack in one of my teeth that goes completely across the entire tooth. We don't know for sure how deep it is. The dentist decided to fill this tooth, even though this particular tooth has never had a cavity. Instead of telling me this, he just goes in and starts causing pain in my gums.
I was like, "Uh, hello?! What is it exactly that you are doing right now?" He basically laughs off my question. He didn't throw is head back with a belly laugh, but he kinda scoffed and said something like, "Oh, that couldn't possibly have hurt much!" I wanted to slap the uncaring bastard across the face! He added, "I was just giving you a local anesthetic so that this shot of Novocain I'm about to give you won't hurt as much."
I said, "Listen! Not only do I have extreme dental fear and childhood trauma, I also have dental trauma. I have PTSD and a dissociative disorder. If you tell me what you are going to do before you do it, that will help a lot."
I should be proud of myself that I was assertive like that (although I was pissed that it became necessary for me to repeat my trauma story for like the millionth time with this thoughtless person who forgets and doesn't care, when I told my story and made my requirements abundantly clear before I ever allowed these people to touch me three years ago!) But, you know what? It was too late. The next thing I knew I was in a dissociative stupor. It was like I had fallen down a deep, black hole and I couldn't crawl back out.
It was a miracle I got myself back home. My son noticed how tranced out I was and asked, "Wow, Mom! What did they give you at the dentist's office? Some heavy drugs or something?" I said, "No. I'm just extremely dissociated." Then, I just crawled into bed and vegged out.
I want to tell this jerkoid dentist that he owes me at least three days of my damn life back!
I don't know what I'm going to do now. He says I need to put a crown over that cracked tooth or I could have an abscess or have to have a root canal...or I don't know what else he was rambling on about in a very put-fear-into-the-patient's-soul, very poor bedside manner sort of way. By then, I was already too far gone dissociatively speaking. I was basically a zombie by that time. All I really remember is repeating in my head over and over, "Just get the hell out of here and then you're never coming back!"
The real pisser about this whole situation is that this is the second dentist I've had trouble with in the last six years and both of them were specifically recommended to me by people in the field as dentists who had special training for trauma survivors and folks with extreme dental fear. I'd like to know how the sadistic jerks who don't have the appropriate training act and treat their patients! No. Never mind. I don't want to know.
Labels: aftermath, assertiveness, body connection, comfort, dental fear, dissociation, trance states, trust
May 26, 2010
Living In The Body: The Trade-Offs Of Life
I don't like to be a downer or complainer. And I'm afraid of being a hypochondriac like my mother. So, I don't talk about physical ailments much. But, lately, I've really been struggling physically. I don't know if it's simply part of getting older, going through perimenopause, or just getting used to being in my body, now that I don't constantly dissociate every bodily feeling away. It's probably a combination of things.
There are the on-going struggles. Some of them I find answers and solutions for. Other things, I may never figure out. In my child abuse recovery therapy, I get many body memories. I've gotten rather used to them and they seem to always pass eventually. However, I believe that I probably have some old injuries that I received during childhood torture that never received any medical attention.
There are the little, nagging things. This spring, for instance, my allergies have been driving me crazy! There are the things that I don't really want to have a doctor tell me about, because I don't want some crazy surgery suggested. Like, for instance my mysterious problem I have with swallowing sometimes. I've chalked this up to some kind of allergy reaction/flemmy thing and I simply try to control it with antihistamines and expectorants.
Here's the trade-off part: The upside is that I'm much better now at comforting and nurturing my little inner child parts who get scared whenever there is any physical feeling of pain. I don't automatically turn to dissociation and ignore what my body is trying to tell me. I used to have an extremely high tolerance for pain. Take, for example, the fact that I had my son without any drugs or pain medication whatsoever...even though he was flipped and I had back labor! I used to ignore anything my body was trying to tell me.
I take much better care of myself than I used to. I don't work myself until I literally drop any more. I hardly ever drink coffee these days. I don't overindulge in alcohol and I no longer smoke. I get outside and move my body with regular exercise. I'm not on any prescription medications and I take some really great natural supplements.
...On the other hand...
Now that I'm more consistently in my body, there are a lot of things I notice that hurt! Over the last four years, I've fallen during biking and skiing accidents and broke ribs on both sides. I had some skin cancer removed from my face. I've dealt with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome in my right shoulder and arm and avoided surgery (thank goodness).
I've been struggling with this perimenopause over about eight years now. All of my female relatives, including my twin, have had hysterectomies, so I don't know how this is supposed to go. But, I feel embarrassed to say that it has not gone smoothly for me. I've gotten the hot flashes and night sweats somewhat under control, but my periods are now very troublesome. I won't go into the gory details, but I've really had to work on my anemia and I've had a lot of monthly pain and PMS symptoms. I try to deal with it naturally, but I have gotten consultations from two different medical doctors. One just told me to take lots of Ibuprofen and the other ran some blood tests and simply stated that my hormone levels were "within normal limits."
Now, my D.O. says I have tendinitis ("tennis elbow") from the repetitive actions of my hours at the drawing table working on my botanical illustration. The pain and weakness in my right arm would get so bad sometimes, that I would go to pick something up (maybe even something as small as a coffee cup) and I'd almost drop it! I'd have to steady the object quickly with my left hand. I'm taking lots of breaks from the desk and drawing table, and I'm doing stretches and taking a supplement that all seem to be helping somewhat with that.
The nagging pain that I haven't been able to get consistent relief on is in my back, between my shoulder blades. My D.O. and my massage therapist have helped me get only fleeting relief here. After a night where I slept very little-- because of extreme discomfort and bloating feeling...and feeling like the food I had eaten that day (this was Sunday) just didn't seem to be digesting or moving in the right direction--I did a little on-line research. I think I've come to the conclusion that I've got some gall bladder problems. I'm a good candidate for it: my grandfather had his gall bladder removed. My mother is morbidly obese and has diabetes. I'm not sure if she's had her gall bladder out or not, but it wouldn't surprise me.
I'm sure it's no big news to anyone who knows about my abusive and neglected childhood that I was not taught any healthy eating habits. I have a terrible sweet tooth. I can get off smoking, drinking and coffee easier than I can get off of my addiction to sugar, carbs and fattening foods. I have been using them--eating "comfort foods"--way too much ever since I started the therapy marathon for my dissociative disorder back in October.
I was complaining recently to my D.O. that, even with the weather improving and getting out and getting a lot more exercise lately, I haven't lost any weight. (I have about 20 pounds I'd like to get rid of.) He suggested that I go out first thing in the morning, before I've had any calories, and take a brisk walk for an hour. In this way, my body has no other choice but to burn fat for its fuel. Brilliant, right? I thought so and I've started doing this three-to-five times a week. I enjoy it and it feels great, but I haven't lost anything yet. This bloaty feeling continues to bother me and I was floored to see on several sites online that gall bladder symptoms can cause this pain between the shoulder blades! Uh oh!
I've got an appointment with my D.O. next week and I'll talk to him about my suspicions. I'd like to try to get it under control with diet (and exercise) and avoid surgery if at all possible. In my research, I noticed that a lot of foods that are recommended for a healthy gall bladder and a lot of foods you are supposed to avoid are similar to the colon cleanse and diet I did three years ago when I lost 18 pounds. I don't think it can hurt, and it certainly might help. At the very least, maybe I'll lose some of that weight and not feel so bloated all the time. If you read this here post and comments from three years ago, you'll see that I enjoyed some of those results then.
I discovered that there are some specific gall bladder cleanses/flushes I can try, too. But, I'm not going to launch into any of those before I talk to a doctor.
For now, I've been shopping for lots of organic items at the health food store and I've got a diet plan. I'm going to cut out all dairy except for low-fat cottage cheese. No more butter and no more ice cream! I'm going to limit bread to only whole-sprouted grain types. No more baked goods like cookies and cinnamon rolls!
I'm going to eat lots of leafy greens and vegetables (avoiding the tooty cabbage family) with organic olive oil, apple cider vinegar and lemon on my salads for dressing. I'm eating fruits like apples, pears and apricots, with yummy berries for a treat. I'm going to severely limit my intake of meat (I never eat much anyway) and emphasize cold-water fish like salmon and trout with lots of Omega 3's. For some reason, several of the sites I looked at suggested eliminating or limiting fowl. I usually eat a lot of chicken, but I'll try this for a while.
I've switched from my black tea in the morning to green tea. I'm drinking lots of fresh-pressed carrot, apple and grape juice, as well as soothing chamomile tea. And, of course, I'm drinking lots of water. I have to admit, over the last several months, I had kinda gotten out of the habit of drinking as much water as I usually try to.
Thankfully, I'm just at the right time of the year to really be successful at this. There are so many choices of fresh fruits and vegetables coming into the stores right now. And we're signed up to receive a box every week from a local, natural grower here in Colorado. Also, I will have my organic herb and vegetable garden plot, as usual, this summer. I'm going to try to emphasize the organic choices even more than I usually do. Something I read said that herbicides and pesticides really wreak havoc on the gall bladder. That just sounds like a good idea to me.
If you've listened to/read all of this so far, I thank you for your compassion and understanding. I really don't mean to be a complainer. Being all negative and judgmental doesn't serve me well. I really am grateful, overall. Other than the IBS that I continue to work to control, I don't suffer with a lot of common ailments and disorders that many of us survivors have to live with. I don't have lupus or fibromyalgia. I get migraines from time to time, but not often. Although I'm struggling with a perimenopause that is not worry-free, I still have all my female organs intact. I'm a little chunky, but I don't have any full-blown eating disorders.
I am counting my blessings. And I hope to have even more to count and report back to you before I leave for our summer vacation at the end of June. In the meantime, I've gotten behind on a lot of things. I hope to finish my final botanical illustration plate in my Colored Pencil II class this week. After that, I'll be taking two months off from my classes. My backyard landscape project has been almost at a standstill, but I'm determined to finish it on my three-year plan--which means this summer. I've got to hurry and get some plants in the ground before it gets too hot.
I will continue to keep the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse up and running on a monthly basis. But, I am behind on many interview and guest blog requests and things of that nature. I shouldn't keep promising when I think I'll be caught up on those, so I won't right now. I even got a cute award with a meme attached from my dear friend Katie recently, and I had hoped to pass that along. I'm not sure when I'll get to it. I'm just going to try to stick to this diet and exercise routine and get to feeling physically better. That's my first priority. I hope that all of you are well and working your way over to the thriving end of the Survivors-Can-Thrive spectrum. I have the utmost compassion for all of you, to, you know. And I'll try to get around to some of your blogs soon.
There are the on-going struggles. Some of them I find answers and solutions for. Other things, I may never figure out. In my child abuse recovery therapy, I get many body memories. I've gotten rather used to them and they seem to always pass eventually. However, I believe that I probably have some old injuries that I received during childhood torture that never received any medical attention.
There are the little, nagging things. This spring, for instance, my allergies have been driving me crazy! There are the things that I don't really want to have a doctor tell me about, because I don't want some crazy surgery suggested. Like, for instance my mysterious problem I have with swallowing sometimes. I've chalked this up to some kind of allergy reaction/flemmy thing and I simply try to control it with antihistamines and expectorants.
Here's the trade-off part: The upside is that I'm much better now at comforting and nurturing my little inner child parts who get scared whenever there is any physical feeling of pain. I don't automatically turn to dissociation and ignore what my body is trying to tell me. I used to have an extremely high tolerance for pain. Take, for example, the fact that I had my son without any drugs or pain medication whatsoever...even though he was flipped and I had back labor! I used to ignore anything my body was trying to tell me.
I take much better care of myself than I used to. I don't work myself until I literally drop any more. I hardly ever drink coffee these days. I don't overindulge in alcohol and I no longer smoke. I get outside and move my body with regular exercise. I'm not on any prescription medications and I take some really great natural supplements.
...On the other hand...
Now that I'm more consistently in my body, there are a lot of things I notice that hurt! Over the last four years, I've fallen during biking and skiing accidents and broke ribs on both sides. I had some skin cancer removed from my face. I've dealt with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome in my right shoulder and arm and avoided surgery (thank goodness).
I've been struggling with this perimenopause over about eight years now. All of my female relatives, including my twin, have had hysterectomies, so I don't know how this is supposed to go. But, I feel embarrassed to say that it has not gone smoothly for me. I've gotten the hot flashes and night sweats somewhat under control, but my periods are now very troublesome. I won't go into the gory details, but I've really had to work on my anemia and I've had a lot of monthly pain and PMS symptoms. I try to deal with it naturally, but I have gotten consultations from two different medical doctors. One just told me to take lots of Ibuprofen and the other ran some blood tests and simply stated that my hormone levels were "within normal limits."
Now, my D.O. says I have tendinitis ("tennis elbow") from the repetitive actions of my hours at the drawing table working on my botanical illustration. The pain and weakness in my right arm would get so bad sometimes, that I would go to pick something up (maybe even something as small as a coffee cup) and I'd almost drop it! I'd have to steady the object quickly with my left hand. I'm taking lots of breaks from the desk and drawing table, and I'm doing stretches and taking a supplement that all seem to be helping somewhat with that.
The nagging pain that I haven't been able to get consistent relief on is in my back, between my shoulder blades. My D.O. and my massage therapist have helped me get only fleeting relief here. After a night where I slept very little-- because of extreme discomfort and bloating feeling...and feeling like the food I had eaten that day (this was Sunday) just didn't seem to be digesting or moving in the right direction--I did a little on-line research. I think I've come to the conclusion that I've got some gall bladder problems. I'm a good candidate for it: my grandfather had his gall bladder removed. My mother is morbidly obese and has diabetes. I'm not sure if she's had her gall bladder out or not, but it wouldn't surprise me.
I'm sure it's no big news to anyone who knows about my abusive and neglected childhood that I was not taught any healthy eating habits. I have a terrible sweet tooth. I can get off smoking, drinking and coffee easier than I can get off of my addiction to sugar, carbs and fattening foods. I have been using them--eating "comfort foods"--way too much ever since I started the therapy marathon for my dissociative disorder back in October.
I was complaining recently to my D.O. that, even with the weather improving and getting out and getting a lot more exercise lately, I haven't lost any weight. (I have about 20 pounds I'd like to get rid of.) He suggested that I go out first thing in the morning, before I've had any calories, and take a brisk walk for an hour. In this way, my body has no other choice but to burn fat for its fuel. Brilliant, right? I thought so and I've started doing this three-to-five times a week. I enjoy it and it feels great, but I haven't lost anything yet. This bloaty feeling continues to bother me and I was floored to see on several sites online that gall bladder symptoms can cause this pain between the shoulder blades! Uh oh!
I've got an appointment with my D.O. next week and I'll talk to him about my suspicions. I'd like to try to get it under control with diet (and exercise) and avoid surgery if at all possible. In my research, I noticed that a lot of foods that are recommended for a healthy gall bladder and a lot of foods you are supposed to avoid are similar to the colon cleanse and diet I did three years ago when I lost 18 pounds. I don't think it can hurt, and it certainly might help. At the very least, maybe I'll lose some of that weight and not feel so bloated all the time. If you read this here post and comments from three years ago, you'll see that I enjoyed some of those results then.
I discovered that there are some specific gall bladder cleanses/flushes I can try, too. But, I'm not going to launch into any of those before I talk to a doctor.
For now, I've been shopping for lots of organic items at the health food store and I've got a diet plan. I'm going to cut out all dairy except for low-fat cottage cheese. No more butter and no more ice cream! I'm going to limit bread to only whole-sprouted grain types. No more baked goods like cookies and cinnamon rolls!
I'm going to eat lots of leafy greens and vegetables (avoiding the tooty cabbage family) with organic olive oil, apple cider vinegar and lemon on my salads for dressing. I'm eating fruits like apples, pears and apricots, with yummy berries for a treat. I'm going to severely limit my intake of meat (I never eat much anyway) and emphasize cold-water fish like salmon and trout with lots of Omega 3's. For some reason, several of the sites I looked at suggested eliminating or limiting fowl. I usually eat a lot of chicken, but I'll try this for a while.
I've switched from my black tea in the morning to green tea. I'm drinking lots of fresh-pressed carrot, apple and grape juice, as well as soothing chamomile tea. And, of course, I'm drinking lots of water. I have to admit, over the last several months, I had kinda gotten out of the habit of drinking as much water as I usually try to.
Thankfully, I'm just at the right time of the year to really be successful at this. There are so many choices of fresh fruits and vegetables coming into the stores right now. And we're signed up to receive a box every week from a local, natural grower here in Colorado. Also, I will have my organic herb and vegetable garden plot, as usual, this summer. I'm going to try to emphasize the organic choices even more than I usually do. Something I read said that herbicides and pesticides really wreak havoc on the gall bladder. That just sounds like a good idea to me.
If you've listened to/read all of this so far, I thank you for your compassion and understanding. I really don't mean to be a complainer. Being all negative and judgmental doesn't serve me well. I really am grateful, overall. Other than the IBS that I continue to work to control, I don't suffer with a lot of common ailments and disorders that many of us survivors have to live with. I don't have lupus or fibromyalgia. I get migraines from time to time, but not often. Although I'm struggling with a perimenopause that is not worry-free, I still have all my female organs intact. I'm a little chunky, but I don't have any full-blown eating disorders.
I am counting my blessings. And I hope to have even more to count and report back to you before I leave for our summer vacation at the end of June. In the meantime, I've gotten behind on a lot of things. I hope to finish my final botanical illustration plate in my Colored Pencil II class this week. After that, I'll be taking two months off from my classes. My backyard landscape project has been almost at a standstill, but I'm determined to finish it on my three-year plan--which means this summer. I've got to hurry and get some plants in the ground before it gets too hot.
I will continue to keep the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse up and running on a monthly basis. But, I am behind on many interview and guest blog requests and things of that nature. I shouldn't keep promising when I think I'll be caught up on those, so I won't right now. I even got a cute award with a meme attached from my dear friend Katie recently, and I had hoped to pass that along. I'm not sure when I'll get to it. I'm just going to try to stick to this diet and exercise routine and get to feeling physically better. That's my first priority. I hope that all of you are well and working your way over to the thriving end of the Survivors-Can-Thrive spectrum. I have the utmost compassion for all of you, to, you know. And I'll try to get around to some of your blogs soon.
Labels: aftermath, body connection, body memories, colon cleansing, comfort, dissociation, healing, IBS, inner child, self-care, weight-loss
May 16, 2009
Things That Make A Difference
I'm taking a break from organizing The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse and Bloggers Unite awareness days and thought I'd just write an update about me and my survivor journey.
I'm feeling quite well right now. In fact, I think I feel so well emotionally, that I haven't caught the nasty cold and cough that my husband has had for a week. It's amazing how that mind-body connection thing works, huh?
I was exhausted from lots of extra trauma processing therapy, so I've been doing some nice things for myself, resting, gardening, etc. I think that's made a difference for me staying physically healthy. During some recent "extra" therapy sessions processing some really icky, terrifying torture memories, I noticed that my IBS had really flared up. But, I took some measures to help with that and I notice that my guts feel better now, too. Yipppeee!
While I was a bit distracted, I got tagged with a couple of bloggy awards. I want everyone to know how much these mean to me. I'm a little embarrassed to admit just how touched and tickled I get receiving these, to be honest. I have some rejected, abandoned, little child parts who still just really want to be liked and accepted. And these awards just seem to go straight to the heart of all that.
First, Cornnut at Picture of Experience has created a whole new award. Is that cool, or what? It's called The Make A Difference Award. Now, as usual, I can't get Cornnut's award graphic to load here, but it has a really great quote on it from JFK that I want to share: "One person can make a difference and every person should try." Excellent, well said, and I so agree!
You know what's amazing? Three days after I received word about this Make a Difference Award, I got a comment from Just Be Real and she's made up her own award as well. Man, I wish I were as cyber savvy as these gals! Just Be Real's award is aptly named, the "Just Be Real" Award. I've always liked the name of her blog and I love the name of this award.
I think one of the reasons I'm so touched at receiving both of these awards is because they recognize what I try to do at my blog:
I used to make the cut-and-paste type collages with pictures and words clipped from magazines. But, recently I've discovered computer collage at Polyvore. My most recent project is that I'm compiling collages and pairing them with some of my poems.
Here is a recent pairing that I think speaks to my current survivor journey status. Maybe you can relate.
Child Fly Away
I love and cherish you
And I know you love me too
Come now and we will dance and play
And then we’ll simply fly away
I can feel your pain
I know they tried to break you
You’re helpless, sad, alone
No peace within
I can tell you’re tired
I see a child who’s tortured
With trying to atone
For unknown sin
Hey, let’s fly away
We’ve struggled with chains too long
Let’s grab this chance so we can see
If we are ever to be free
Why wait here in the dark?
All it can ever show you
Is pain and it’s the pain
That you still fear
I can see the light
In my heart faith remains
And I know that this is it
Our chance is here
I love and cherish you
And now I know you feel love too
Now we can dance and run and play
Then we just simply fly away
Away
Away
Come let’s fly away
We’ll fly away
Copyright 2002 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved
I'm feeling quite well right now. In fact, I think I feel so well emotionally, that I haven't caught the nasty cold and cough that my husband has had for a week. It's amazing how that mind-body connection thing works, huh?
I was exhausted from lots of extra trauma processing therapy, so I've been doing some nice things for myself, resting, gardening, etc. I think that's made a difference for me staying physically healthy. During some recent "extra" therapy sessions processing some really icky, terrifying torture memories, I noticed that my IBS had really flared up. But, I took some measures to help with that and I notice that my guts feel better now, too. Yipppeee!
While I was a bit distracted, I got tagged with a couple of bloggy awards. I want everyone to know how much these mean to me. I'm a little embarrassed to admit just how touched and tickled I get receiving these, to be honest. I have some rejected, abandoned, little child parts who still just really want to be liked and accepted. And these awards just seem to go straight to the heart of all that.
First, Cornnut at Picture of Experience has created a whole new award. Is that cool, or what? It's called The Make A Difference Award. Now, as usual, I can't get Cornnut's award graphic to load here, but it has a really great quote on it from JFK that I want to share: "One person can make a difference and every person should try." Excellent, well said, and I so agree!
You know what's amazing? Three days after I received word about this Make a Difference Award, I got a comment from Just Be Real and she's made up her own award as well. Man, I wish I were as cyber savvy as these gals! Just Be Real's award is aptly named, the "Just Be Real" Award. I've always liked the name of her blog and I love the name of this award.
I think one of the reasons I'm so touched at receiving both of these awards is because they recognize what I try to do at my blog:
- Make a Difference in the areas of assault survivor advocacy and child abuse awareness and
- Be Real, share my story and be real, open and honest with it.
I used to make the cut-and-paste type collages with pictures and words clipped from magazines. But, recently I've discovered computer collage at Polyvore. My most recent project is that I'm compiling collages and pairing them with some of my poems.
Here is a recent pairing that I think speaks to my current survivor journey status. Maybe you can relate.
Child Fly Away
I love and cherish you
And I know you love me too
Come now and we will dance and play
And then we’ll simply fly away
I can feel your pain
I know they tried to break you
You’re helpless, sad, alone
No peace within
I can tell you’re tired
I see a child who’s tortured
With trying to atone
For unknown sin
Hey, let’s fly away
We’ve struggled with chains too long
Let’s grab this chance so we can see
If we are ever to be free
Why wait here in the dark?
All it can ever show you
Is pain and it’s the pain
That you still fear
I can see the light
In my heart faith remains
And I know that this is it
Our chance is here
I love and cherish you
And now I know you feel love too
Now we can dance and run and play
Then we just simply fly away
Away
Away
Come let’s fly away
We’ll fly away
Copyright 2002 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved
Labels: advocacy, award, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, Bloggers Unite, body connection, child parts, comfort, healing, poem, Poetry, therapy
May 12, 2009
Heard of Fibromyalgia?
I'm interested in fibromyalgia because I keep running into survivors who have it. It seems to be right up there with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and migraines--which I suffer with--as survivor health issues that there are no cures for.
Today is National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, so I thought I'd talk about it here. The first person I ever met with fibromyalgia was a roommate I had during one of my hospital stints. She was in so much pain that I felt like I should never complain about my IBS or migraines again. Her pain was pervasive and she had had many tests before her diagnosis.
Many of us are aware that fibromyalgia involves widespread pain and fatigue. But there are some common myths around the condition. The Mayo Clinic website has a helpful article that busts nine common myths about fibromyalgia. I have summarized the first six below.
Today is National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, so I thought I'd talk about it here. The first person I ever met with fibromyalgia was a roommate I had during one of my hospital stints. She was in so much pain that I felt like I should never complain about my IBS or migraines again. Her pain was pervasive and she had had many tests before her diagnosis.
Many of us are aware that fibromyalgia involves widespread pain and fatigue. But there are some common myths around the condition. The Mayo Clinic website has a helpful article that busts nine common myths about fibromyalgia. I have summarized the first six below.
- Myth: Most doctors don't believe fybromyalgia is a real condition. Truth: Fibromyalgia is defined by a list of symptoms and most doctors believe these symptoms are real.
- Myth: Fibromyalgia damages your joints. Truth: While the pain of fibromyalgia may be severe, it does not damage your muscles, joints or bones.
- Myth: You look fine so there's nothing wrong with you. Truth: Friends, family and co-workers may hold this belief because they don't understand. Be willing to talk about it. Raise awareness.
- Myth: You got the fibromyalgia diagnosis because your doctor couldn't find anything wrong with you. Truth: Fibromyalgia is a specific diagnosis based on a specific set of criteria devleoped by The American College of Rheumatology. But, diagnosing fibromyalgia can take time because there's no single test that can confirm you have it.
- Myth: Fibromyalgia only causes pain. Truth: People with fibromyalgia also often experience fatigue and difficulty sleeping, headaches, sensitivity to light, dizziness, memory problems, and numbness and tingling in the arms and legs. IBS, bladder control problems and mood disorders often accompany fibromyalgia.
- Myth: It's no use going to the doctor because no treatments for the condition exist. Truth: There's no standard treatment for it, but the FDA has now approved one drug for treating fibromyalgia and there are many options for controlling the pain, including medications, lifestyle changes, and alternative treatments.
Labels: abuse, advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Bloggers Unite, body connection, IBS, survivors
January 22, 2009
Wounded Vision
Hey, everybody. Whiney Wiener here. I've just had a string of days where it seems everything I've tried to accomplish has blown up in my face. I'm also sick to f-ing death of this rib injury. There's just nothing I can do in my day-to-day life without that rib causing me pain. Think about it. Every day, all day long, we stretch, we bend, we twist, we lift, we pull, we reach up, we reach down, etc. etc. And it all hurts! Aaaccckkk!
Maybe it's just PMS, I don't know. Well, anyway. Sometimes when I feel all frustrated and fed up like like this, I have to get it out in a poem. So here's one:
Wounded Vision
This world has not
Been kind to me
I've never fit in here
I'm wrong about that
So it seems
My vision's just not clear
And my neck is weak
It's not strong enough
To lift my face from the dirt
I can't look up
And see my dreams
My heart has been too hurt.
Copyright 2009, Marj McCabe, all rights reserved
There. Now. Maybe, now that I've gotten that out, I can get on with some other, bloggy logistics tomorrow. Thank you for letting me vent. And...thanks to everyone who gave me advice or at least commiserated with me on my blogging technical frustrations. You guys rock, as always!
Maybe it's just PMS, I don't know. Well, anyway. Sometimes when I feel all frustrated and fed up like like this, I have to get it out in a poem. So here's one:
Wounded Vision
This world has not
Been kind to me
I've never fit in here
I'm wrong about that
So it seems
My vision's just not clear
And my neck is weak
It's not strong enough
To lift my face from the dirt
I can't look up
And see my dreams
My heart has been too hurt.
Copyright 2009, Marj McCabe, all rights reserved
There. Now. Maybe, now that I've gotten that out, I can get on with some other, bloggy logistics tomorrow. Thank you for letting me vent. And...thanks to everyone who gave me advice or at least commiserated with me on my blogging technical frustrations. You guys rock, as always!
Labels: body connection, body memories, broken, child abuse, don't give up, healing, hope, overwhelm, pain, poem, Poetry
November 14, 2008
The Drug of Dissociation
As I promised in my last comment on my previous (October--yikes!) post, here is an update on me.
For the first time ever--at least that I'm aware of--it doesn't look like I'm going to get a break between the "end-of-the-summer/back-to-school freak-out" and my annual "holiday freak-out." Good God! Can we really be coming up on Thanksgiving already? I can't begin to describe to you my exhaustion.
I've also been dealing with a lot of body pain lately. My therapist says they are body memories. I had no idea that my goal of being in my body would be so much fun. Not!
I want to go on record, right here and now, of saying that I officially apologize to anyone on this planet who deals with chronic pain. I'm sorry that I could not empathize with you before. Having been out of my body for most of my life, I must admit that I thought chronic pain sufferers were a bit on the weak side. Of course, I couldn't know their pain--couldn't empathize--because I didn't know pain. If one is not in one's body, one does not know physical, body pain very well.
I also want to admit that I can't take much credit for giving birth to my son without the help of pain killers. It was my goal to have a birth experience that was natural, and not have any drugs in my system or that of my newborn's. Even with back labor, I did not have anything to take the edge off. Now, I'm not saying that I didn't feel anything. And I did have a doula to help me. But, I did get through what must have been some pretty agonizing pain without any drugs, and it wasn't that hard.
I guess, all along, what I had was my drug of choice: it was the drug of dissociation.
Well, guess what, folks? My lifelong drug is wearing off! And, right now, the withdrawal really sucks!
As I think I said in a previous post, this "back-to-school freak-out" season, I've managed to stay out of the hospital. What I've done instead is a shit-load of therapy. Some days have required three hours of therapy. Some weeks have required as much as five hours.
We're getting down to the nitty-gritty of the most heinous torture aspects of my child abuse. I won't get into the gorey, triggering details, but the body pain has been freaky. I've especially had a lot of pain in my wrists, ankles, neck and back. A really weird one is sudden pain at the top of my head...in my scalp! If you can imagine the logistics of immobilizing and torturing a body, you get the idea of maybe why these particular body parts would be telling their story through pain.
And they are telling their abuse story. The good news is that my therapist and I really are getting a lot done in trauma processing as of late. I just don't have much energy for anything else right now.
And sometimes I revert back to the place where I think these memories will kill me. I think, what I did is learn to dissociate at a very early age. I guess I'm convinced that the pain, fear, and knowledge of the abuse will kill me because--through my dissociation--I don't realize that I've actually lived through it already.
Just this Wednesday, I was at the end of my regularly-scheduled therapy session, and I was so consumed by the horror and actual, physical pain of an emerging torture memory, that I got white as a sheet and broke out in a cold sweat. I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I could see in the bathroom mirror that all the color had drained from my face. I felt a bit better when I returned to my T's office, but she was so worried about me that she insisted on walking me to my car. Outside, the fresh air revived me a bit. After sitting in my car for a while, gulping fresh air, I was able to drive home.
Because my T had a cancellation that day, we were able to make another appointment for three hours later. That way, I was able to get some completion on some of this particular trauma processing, and not have it hanging over my head until next week's session.
This is what it's been like for me, being in my body lately.
The upside is that I've been much more consistent at taking care of, pampering, and comforting my body as well. I've been utilizing a lot of these comforting techniques and products these days: deep-penetrating cream for muscle pain, over-the-counter pain meds, calcium and magnesium supplements, my heating pad, massage from my wonderful husband's healing hands (when I can tolerate it), hot tea, soothing music CD's with nature sounds, the cascading water in my fountain, fresh flowers, various types of aromatherapy, cozy, soft pj's and loungewear, stuffed animals...and comfort food. Diet, be damned! As a matter of fact, I'm going for some mac 'n' cheese as soon as I'm done with this post.
When the pain starts to get to me, I've just got to remember some of these cozy, yummy, positive aspects of now being in my body.
Please continue to be patient with me as I continue to comfort, cocoon and convalesce. Thanks!
For the first time ever--at least that I'm aware of--it doesn't look like I'm going to get a break between the "end-of-the-summer/back-to-school freak-out" and my annual "holiday freak-out." Good God! Can we really be coming up on Thanksgiving already? I can't begin to describe to you my exhaustion.
I've also been dealing with a lot of body pain lately. My therapist says they are body memories. I had no idea that my goal of being in my body would be so much fun. Not!
I want to go on record, right here and now, of saying that I officially apologize to anyone on this planet who deals with chronic pain. I'm sorry that I could not empathize with you before. Having been out of my body for most of my life, I must admit that I thought chronic pain sufferers were a bit on the weak side. Of course, I couldn't know their pain--couldn't empathize--because I didn't know pain. If one is not in one's body, one does not know physical, body pain very well.
I also want to admit that I can't take much credit for giving birth to my son without the help of pain killers. It was my goal to have a birth experience that was natural, and not have any drugs in my system or that of my newborn's. Even with back labor, I did not have anything to take the edge off. Now, I'm not saying that I didn't feel anything. And I did have a doula to help me. But, I did get through what must have been some pretty agonizing pain without any drugs, and it wasn't that hard.
I guess, all along, what I had was my drug of choice: it was the drug of dissociation.
Well, guess what, folks? My lifelong drug is wearing off! And, right now, the withdrawal really sucks!
As I think I said in a previous post, this "back-to-school freak-out" season, I've managed to stay out of the hospital. What I've done instead is a shit-load of therapy. Some days have required three hours of therapy. Some weeks have required as much as five hours.
We're getting down to the nitty-gritty of the most heinous torture aspects of my child abuse. I won't get into the gorey, triggering details, but the body pain has been freaky. I've especially had a lot of pain in my wrists, ankles, neck and back. A really weird one is sudden pain at the top of my head...in my scalp! If you can imagine the logistics of immobilizing and torturing a body, you get the idea of maybe why these particular body parts would be telling their story through pain.
And they are telling their abuse story. The good news is that my therapist and I really are getting a lot done in trauma processing as of late. I just don't have much energy for anything else right now.
And sometimes I revert back to the place where I think these memories will kill me. I think, what I did is learn to dissociate at a very early age. I guess I'm convinced that the pain, fear, and knowledge of the abuse will kill me because--through my dissociation--I don't realize that I've actually lived through it already.
Just this Wednesday, I was at the end of my regularly-scheduled therapy session, and I was so consumed by the horror and actual, physical pain of an emerging torture memory, that I got white as a sheet and broke out in a cold sweat. I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I could see in the bathroom mirror that all the color had drained from my face. I felt a bit better when I returned to my T's office, but she was so worried about me that she insisted on walking me to my car. Outside, the fresh air revived me a bit. After sitting in my car for a while, gulping fresh air, I was able to drive home.
Because my T had a cancellation that day, we were able to make another appointment for three hours later. That way, I was able to get some completion on some of this particular trauma processing, and not have it hanging over my head until next week's session.
This is what it's been like for me, being in my body lately.
The upside is that I've been much more consistent at taking care of, pampering, and comforting my body as well. I've been utilizing a lot of these comforting techniques and products these days: deep-penetrating cream for muscle pain, over-the-counter pain meds, calcium and magnesium supplements, my heating pad, massage from my wonderful husband's healing hands (when I can tolerate it), hot tea, soothing music CD's with nature sounds, the cascading water in my fountain, fresh flowers, various types of aromatherapy, cozy, soft pj's and loungewear, stuffed animals...and comfort food. Diet, be damned! As a matter of fact, I'm going for some mac 'n' cheese as soon as I'm done with this post.
When the pain starts to get to me, I've just got to remember some of these cozy, yummy, positive aspects of now being in my body.
Please continue to be patient with me as I continue to comfort, cocoon and convalesce. Thanks!
Labels: anniversary, body connection, body memories, child abuse, comfort, dissociation, holidays, pain, self-care, Thanksgiving, therapy, torture, trauma, trauma processing
June 24, 2008
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!
Well, I'm about to leave for a trip on my own. I'm doing a little girls-only retreat in hopes of revitalizing my weary old self. I'm going to be gone for a week.
At my last therapy appointment, I talked to my therapist about the positive changes I've been seeing lately. I think this is a good time for me to take some time off and focus on self-care.
Self-care is one of the things I've seen positive change in lately. I'm much more committed to this topic now. I don't know if it's getting in touch with my parts--and having such a strong desire to soothe and comfort them--or what it is exactly, but I'm much better at taking care of myself than I used to be.
I read a post of JIP's--Jumping In Puddles--that talked about how excruciating it can be to get in touch with those feelings that we dissociatives have been cut off from for so long. I also used to be entirely cut off from my body. I never listened to any of my body's messages. About five or six years ago, my therapist at the time used to ask me during a session, "And how does that feel in your body?" I'd just stare at him blankly. "Body? What body?"
Now, I actually enjoy some of the self-care, comfort and nurturing I afford myself. I still don't do well in the shower on a consistent basis, because of the extreme abuse that happened in that space, but I do enjoy pedicures, heated neck pillows, scented lotion, candles and girlie things like that. I've gotten into the habit of looking at myself(ves) in the mirror when I'm in the bathroom indulging in a sensory treat like this and saying, "We're worth it and we deserve it!"
This is a huge accomplishment and far cry from the mirror beating I used to take at my own hands. I wish I could erase all those times I looked at my reflection in the glass and said to myself(ves) with disdain, "You are so ugly. I hate you."
***
Huh. Well, then. I can't remember what I wrote after the above paragraph that I lost into the black hole of cyber space! My electricity went out for about an hour. Hhmmmm....gave me a chance to use some of those scented candles.
When I get back from my trip I will continue this post, which goes along with me starting up my gratitude journal again. Maybe I'll supply a handy, bulleted list for your reading enjoyment. See you all when I'm refreshed, restored, renewed...and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed! Hugs!
At my last therapy appointment, I talked to my therapist about the positive changes I've been seeing lately. I think this is a good time for me to take some time off and focus on self-care.
Self-care is one of the things I've seen positive change in lately. I'm much more committed to this topic now. I don't know if it's getting in touch with my parts--and having such a strong desire to soothe and comfort them--or what it is exactly, but I'm much better at taking care of myself than I used to be.
I read a post of JIP's--Jumping In Puddles--that talked about how excruciating it can be to get in touch with those feelings that we dissociatives have been cut off from for so long. I also used to be entirely cut off from my body. I never listened to any of my body's messages. About five or six years ago, my therapist at the time used to ask me during a session, "And how does that feel in your body?" I'd just stare at him blankly. "Body? What body?"
Now, I actually enjoy some of the self-care, comfort and nurturing I afford myself. I still don't do well in the shower on a consistent basis, because of the extreme abuse that happened in that space, but I do enjoy pedicures, heated neck pillows, scented lotion, candles and girlie things like that. I've gotten into the habit of looking at myself(ves) in the mirror when I'm in the bathroom indulging in a sensory treat like this and saying, "We're worth it and we deserve it!"
This is a huge accomplishment and far cry from the mirror beating I used to take at my own hands. I wish I could erase all those times I looked at my reflection in the glass and said to myself(ves) with disdain, "You are so ugly. I hate you."
***
Huh. Well, then. I can't remember what I wrote after the above paragraph that I lost into the black hole of cyber space! My electricity went out for about an hour. Hhmmmm....gave me a chance to use some of those scented candles.
When I get back from my trip I will continue this post, which goes along with me starting up my gratitude journal again. Maybe I'll supply a handy, bulleted list for your reading enjoyment. See you all when I'm refreshed, restored, renewed...and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed! Hugs!
Labels: body connection, comfort, dissociation, feelings, gratitude, self-care, therapy
May 20, 2008
I'm Finally "In" My Body And Now It's Falling Apart!
Whoa! I was all set to put up a very positive, fun, upbeat post...and then I got a phone call that stopped me in my tracks.
*&*^%$##@*! I have skin cancer!
I had two "moles" removed about a week ago and just got the biopsy results. I'm way more upset about it than I thought I would be.
Boy, life sure is ironic, isn't it? The positive, upbeat post I was going to write was about pleasant surprises and thoughtful friends and peaceful, grounding connected-to-the-earth time spent gardening lately.
I've lived in Colorado almost ten years now. I love it here. One of the things I love the most is the sunshine. With spring finally here, I feel like a new person. I've been outside enjoying getting my hands in the soil and planting things. We get over 300 days of sunshine a year here.
Unfortunately, this has led to my skin cancer, most likely. A strange bump showed up about four years ago--that was five years into living in Colorado. At first I thought it was a wart. Then, I was convinced it was a new-to-show-up mole.
Turns out, it's a basal cell carcinoma. I've been crying some this morning, but I feel a bit better after googling the skin cancer type I have. I guess the recovery rate is excellent for the type of cancer I have and the type of surgery they are going to do on me. It's called The Mohs procedure, or Mohs Micrographic Surgery. They've got me scheduled for Wednesday, 5/28. Unfortunately, the full recovery rates they give are for early treatment. My "mole" was left on there for four years! Yikes! That's scary.
Also, unfortunately, this nasty bump is on my face--right next to my eye! (It's kinda between the corner of my eye and my nose.) Now I'm not a high maintenance sort of woman. I have a very easy wash-and-go hairstyle, am not really into fashion and I hardly ever wear makeup. (I do, however, wear sunscreen all the time.)
Of all the damn moles I have all over my body, this nasty cancer has to be right on my face. (The other one, which is not cancerous at all, was on my leg.) I guess I am actually that vain that this bothers me a lot. Also, I have a neighbor who has skin cancer and it's really bad and he's quite disfigured from it. He's in his 70's though. I'm not even 50 yet!
Aaaaccckkk! Between this and my recent diagnosis of Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, I feel like my body is falling apart! Hhhmmmmm....I'm not sure I like this "being in my body" stuff that is so new to me. Hey, say a prayer or two will ya? Thanks!
*&*^%$##@*! I have skin cancer!
I had two "moles" removed about a week ago and just got the biopsy results. I'm way more upset about it than I thought I would be.
Boy, life sure is ironic, isn't it? The positive, upbeat post I was going to write was about pleasant surprises and thoughtful friends and peaceful, grounding connected-to-the-earth time spent gardening lately.
I've lived in Colorado almost ten years now. I love it here. One of the things I love the most is the sunshine. With spring finally here, I feel like a new person. I've been outside enjoying getting my hands in the soil and planting things. We get over 300 days of sunshine a year here.
Unfortunately, this has led to my skin cancer, most likely. A strange bump showed up about four years ago--that was five years into living in Colorado. At first I thought it was a wart. Then, I was convinced it was a new-to-show-up mole.
Turns out, it's a basal cell carcinoma. I've been crying some this morning, but I feel a bit better after googling the skin cancer type I have. I guess the recovery rate is excellent for the type of cancer I have and the type of surgery they are going to do on me. It's called The Mohs procedure, or Mohs Micrographic Surgery. They've got me scheduled for Wednesday, 5/28. Unfortunately, the full recovery rates they give are for early treatment. My "mole" was left on there for four years! Yikes! That's scary.
Also, unfortunately, this nasty bump is on my face--right next to my eye! (It's kinda between the corner of my eye and my nose.) Now I'm not a high maintenance sort of woman. I have a very easy wash-and-go hairstyle, am not really into fashion and I hardly ever wear makeup. (I do, however, wear sunscreen all the time.)
Of all the damn moles I have all over my body, this nasty cancer has to be right on my face. (The other one, which is not cancerous at all, was on my leg.) I guess I am actually that vain that this bothers me a lot. Also, I have a neighbor who has skin cancer and it's really bad and he's quite disfigured from it. He's in his 70's though. I'm not even 50 yet!
Aaaaccckkk! Between this and my recent diagnosis of Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, I feel like my body is falling apart! Hhhmmmmm....I'm not sure I like this "being in my body" stuff that is so new to me. Hey, say a prayer or two will ya? Thanks!
Labels: body connection, irony, skin cancer, sun exposure, thoracic outlet syndrome
March 20, 2007
Broken to Pieces
So much has been going on during this intense phase of therapy and recovery that I can't keep up. I haven't even been able to keep it all up to date in my paper journal, let alone here on my blog.
I'm going to be out of town for Spring Break next week. I had a new part emerge that scares me to my core (way more than Sentry did in the beginning). I think she's very identified with my perpetrator parents. I decided to put working with her and my therapist on hold until I get back into town. I just don't want to be left hanging in the middle of something huge and scary while I'm out of town and away from my therapist.
So, yesterday, at my T appointment, I ran this past my T and we moved on to "lighter" topics (are there really any light topics?). I decided to run a few physical complaints by her. I've mentioned these to mental health providors in the past and never really gotten anywhere with it. I think I've mentioned these trouble makers on my blog. One is the annoying problem of not being able to swallow food sometimes (unfortunatley, this has not led me to become thin).
My other physical problem is really causing me to lose sleep lately. When I sought advice from a medical doc about it, he wanted to do surgery so I walked out of his office. It's the old complaint about my arms falling asleep and going dead on me again. When I think about the assaults where my arms were pinned down, I can't help but think that this complaint has a trauma component. I seemed to get some relief from this for about two years when I was going to another therapist twice a week and doing a lot of trauma processing. My current T suggested that I inquire within myself as to what this symptom was trying to tell me.
So, this morning after about the millionth time that the rest of me was awake because my arms were asleep, I asked for the message. What came to me was loads of grief--not fear as I would have suspected.
We've all had our hearts broken at least once, right? I know I've been through that kind of "lost love" grief more than once. But, how do you mend the broken heart of a child? How do you pick up the pieces after the ultimate betrayal by the parents who were supposed to love and care for you?
I feel like the proverbial Humpty Dumpty. My heart is broken to pieces, as well as my mind. And all the king's therapists and all the king's doctors will never be able to put all my pieces back together again.
I'm going to be out of town for Spring Break next week. I had a new part emerge that scares me to my core (way more than Sentry did in the beginning). I think she's very identified with my perpetrator parents. I decided to put working with her and my therapist on hold until I get back into town. I just don't want to be left hanging in the middle of something huge and scary while I'm out of town and away from my therapist.
So, yesterday, at my T appointment, I ran this past my T and we moved on to "lighter" topics (are there really any light topics?). I decided to run a few physical complaints by her. I've mentioned these to mental health providors in the past and never really gotten anywhere with it. I think I've mentioned these trouble makers on my blog. One is the annoying problem of not being able to swallow food sometimes (unfortunatley, this has not led me to become thin).
My other physical problem is really causing me to lose sleep lately. When I sought advice from a medical doc about it, he wanted to do surgery so I walked out of his office. It's the old complaint about my arms falling asleep and going dead on me again. When I think about the assaults where my arms were pinned down, I can't help but think that this complaint has a trauma component. I seemed to get some relief from this for about two years when I was going to another therapist twice a week and doing a lot of trauma processing. My current T suggested that I inquire within myself as to what this symptom was trying to tell me.
So, this morning after about the millionth time that the rest of me was awake because my arms were asleep, I asked for the message. What came to me was loads of grief--not fear as I would have suspected.
We've all had our hearts broken at least once, right? I know I've been through that kind of "lost love" grief more than once. But, how do you mend the broken heart of a child? How do you pick up the pieces after the ultimate betrayal by the parents who were supposed to love and care for you?
I feel like the proverbial Humpty Dumpty. My heart is broken to pieces, as well as my mind. And all the king's therapists and all the king's doctors will never be able to put all my pieces back together again.
Labels: abuse, body connection, body memories, child abuse, child parts, dissociation, grieving, healing, inner child, recovery, therapy
