June 24, 2008



Well, I'm about to leave for a trip on my own. I'm doing a little girls-only retreat in hopes of revitalizing my weary old self. I'm going to be gone for a week.

At my last therapy appointment, I talked to my therapist about the positive changes I've been seeing lately. I think this is a good time for me to take some time off and focus on self-care.

Self-care is one of the things I've seen positive change in lately. I'm much more committed to this topic now. I don't know if it's getting in touch with my parts--and having such a strong desire to soothe and comfort them--or what it is exactly, but I'm much better at taking care of myself than I used to be.

I read a post of JIP's--Jumping In Puddles--that talked about how excruciating it can be to get in touch with those feelings that we dissociatives have been cut off from for so long. I also used to be entirely cut off from my body. I never listened to any of my body's messages. About five or six years ago, my therapist at the time used to ask me during a session, "And how does that feel in your body?" I'd just stare at him blankly. "Body? What body?"

Now, I actually enjoy some of the self-care, comfort and nurturing I afford myself. I still don't do well in the shower on a consistent basis, because of the extreme abuse that happened in that space, but I do enjoy pedicures, heated neck pillows, scented lotion, candles and girlie things like that. I've gotten into the habit of looking at myself(ves) in the mirror when I'm in the bathroom indulging in a sensory treat like this and saying, "We're worth it and we deserve it!"

This is a huge accomplishment and far cry from the mirror beating I used to take at my own hands. I wish I could erase all those times I looked at my reflection in the glass and said to myself(ves) with disdain, "You are so ugly. I hate you."


Huh. Well, then. I can't remember what I wrote after the above paragraph that I lost into the black hole of cyber space! My electricity went out for about an hour. Hhmmmm....gave me a chance to use some of those scented candles.

When I get back from my trip I will continue this post, which goes along with me starting up my gratitude journal again. Maybe I'll supply a handy, bulleted list for your reading enjoyment. See you all when I'm refreshed, restored, renewed...and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed! Hugs!

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have an awesoem time and we would liek to ehar about how you are making the changes from the beating up of yourself to the understanding of yourselves, it encourages us to hear these things :)
Enjoy !!!
Changes are good. I still have problems looking in the mirror because I tend to see my mother looking back at me. Hopefully, the day will come when I can see me.
You are definately worth it and deserve it. Good things and a wonderful holiday!
you deserve this retreat so very much and we hope you enjoy it to the utmost!!!

peace and blessings

I find it so hard to have self-care for myself. Often times I could care less about myself. I find it so hard to say anything nice about myself, I only see the negative things that were said to me when I was little, I feel that I'm not worth anything. I know I have to work hard on these areas, maybe one day I will succeed...Mary
Hope you have a great vacation!
Here's hoping you had a wonderful trip!!! I'm smiling thinking of you being so good to yourself.
JIP: I'm so glad this encourages you! Hhmmm...I'm going to have to think about HOW these changes are coming about. So far, I've just started to notice that they are! Yay! :)
Enola: Thanks! xoxoxo :)

RR: Wow, that would be hard. I guess we can change the course of our parents' would-be legacy, but we can't change the genes. Luckily for me, I don't look so much like my mother that this happens to me. Now, if I can just completely stop hearing her voice!

Aawwww! You're sweet. Thanks, Kahless!

Thanks, Keepers. It was a good retreat, renewal and respite.

Mary: I, too, am still working on these areas. It is very difficult to completely un-do the programming. If we continue to work hard at it...some day we WILL succeed!

Thanks, Tabby Cat!

April: Thanks for the trip well-wishes and the smile. Being good to myself makes me smile, too! :)
I was very closely associated with the case outlined in the blog at the website below I very much like your blog and know too well what you are talking about. Below is a link to a blog that has newspaper stories on the case. The pedophile got off twice. Once in 1989 and the second time in 2004 in which I was involved.

The disheartening thing is that the perp is still walking the streets.

Bill: Thanks for visiting my blog. I'll try to get around to yours soon. You may also want to consider submitting your information for the "In the News" category of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, which I try to run every month. See the widget on my sidebar.
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