Survivors Can Thrive!

May 16, 2011

Life Goes On...

Boy, am I missing blogging and the blogosphere! Here it is May, and I didn't think I would be giving blogging much thought at this point. May is usually one of my best months of the year, when I usually get a great respite from my therapy work, triggers and dissociative nightmares. In the merry month of May, I am usually gardening, walking & hiking, drawing flowers and enjoying the great outdoors. Well, this May the weather is crappy and we're still getting frost at night. Also, there seems to be no let up in the triggers and therapy department. As a matter of fact, I had planned on taking the entire month of May off from therapy, as I have a botanical illustration class on my regular therapy day this month. But, things came up, inner child parts got scared, and my therapist had an opening on a different day from a client who is in Australia for a month. Oh, goodie! Lucky me!

I have done a little bit of Spring cleaning and I just finished a botanical illustration piece that took me many hours to produce and I am happy with it. But, other than that, I'm still doing a lot of therapy, a lot of inner child comforting...and not much of anything that looks like summer is almost here. What I am going to do, while I'm sitting here on this chilly morning in my fluffy jammies, is get around to some of your blogs. I realize that I submitted something to last month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, but I haven't gotten over to read the other entries. And, I'm pretty sure I never finished coming to your blogs to say goodbye. I got kinda out of order from my blogroll and lost track of where I was. So, if I come to your blog with my goodbyes more than once, bare with me. Thinking of you all, missing you, and wishing you all the best.

Labels: appreciation, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, child parts, comfort, connection, inner child, therapy, triggers

# posted by Marj aka Thriver @ Monday, May 16, 2011 19 comments

December 14, 2009

The Gift of Gratitude

I want to take some time out of the busy holiday schedule (which doesn't seem to be triggering me this year, thank God) to let each of my bloggy buddies know that I am grateful for your friendship. Your support and kind words always mean such a great deal to me. I want you all to know that. Each one of you is special and has a special place in my heart. Thank you!

My holiday wish for you is that the spirit of the season brings you true comfort and joy.

Thanks for Your Support! by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

Labels: beauty, collage, comfort, community, connection, gratitude, support, survivors

# posted by Marj aka Thriver @ Monday, December 14, 2009 45 comments

May 01, 2009

Poem in My Pocket; Hope in My Heart

Did you know, yesterday was Poem in Your Pocket Day? It was a way to finish off National Poetry Month.

I think I may have mentioned that I spend several hours a week babysitting an adorable toddler who is in the custody of my friends--her grandparents--after being neglected by her parents. Lately, we've been strolling to parks. The other day, we discovered dandelions together and I showed the little cutie pie how to blow the seeds off the "fluff puffs."

She's almost two and she's at that age where she's willing to try anything you ask her to try and say. I bought her grand-folks a book: Baby Signs. We've all been teaching the precious one signs and it just helped her verbal skills explode! It sure was cute to hear her say, "fluff puff!" and blow those seeds into the wind!

She and the current spring weather are really giving me joy, delight and hope lately. This little girl inspired me to write a haiku poem. I got to see the little angel an extra couple of hours yesterday, so her namesake poem was my choice for the poem in my pocket.

Here it is:

Rosy-Cheeked Cherub

rosy-cheeked cherub
reaches down to pick flower
wonder, beauty, life!

Copyright 2009, Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved

Fluff Puffs & Wonder by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

Labels: beauty, breaking the cycle, connection, gratitude, haiku, hope, inspiration, nature's healing, poem, Poetry

# posted by Marj aka Thriver @ Friday, May 01, 2009 20 comments

September 12, 2008

Disconnected & Dissociated?

Here's a poem I just wrote. I send it out there to all who may feel disconnected and/or lonely. Damn! It sure is hard NOT to feel disconnected when you're dissociative, huh?

In My Own World I’ll Stay

In my own world, I pray
That you can still find me.
It seems more, day by day,
We’re losing sight; the two of us can’t see.

I still feel you near.
But I’ve no crystal ball
To find out where you are
And so I stay…
In my own world, away.

I thought I’d search
The whole, wide-world for you.
But, what good can it do,
If I can’t find you there?

‘Til we rejoin,
Until our way’s made clear,
I’ll just wait here
In my own world, I’ll stay.

We’re out of touch today
And no one is to blame.
If pain and fear still reign,
Then we cannot know what we became.

I love you ever more;
Two worlds will be no more.
Until that joyous day,
Right here, I’ll stay…
In my own world, today.

Copyright 2008, Marj McCabe, all rights reserved.

Labels: awareness, comfort, connection, courage, dissociation, Poetry

# posted by Marj aka Thriver @ Friday, September 12, 2008 8 comments

March 02, 2007

The Dissociative Twilight Zone?

I started this post over a week ago, but it got sucked into cyberspace. I'll try here again. Are you ready to enter an episode of The Dissociative Twilight Zone? Read on!

A couple of posts back, I told of a fight I had with my husband after one of my T appointments. I think a part came out who is particularly "gloom and doom." My husband has been warned that this part of me can not be reasoned with--no logic gets through. But, alas, he tried in vain and ended the fight getting in my face a bit with a strong, "You're wrong!"

At that, I got completely hysterical. He tried to hug me and I screamed, "Don't touch me!" and ran upstairs. After my husband left I seemed to switch again and proceeded to rage at his picture for hours. YIKES!

I recognized the style of the speech. This is someone who looks at me in the mirror and says the cruelest things. Since this part scares the ever-lovin' shit out of me, I decided to bite the bullet and have a journal conversation with it. I've decided that this entity is androgynous. I can't refer to this person as "he" or "she" because it seems to be both or neither. Anyway, here's the conversation, lifted out of the paper journal:

***

(Note: when I am talking, the font with remain the same. When this newly-conversing part is talking, I will use all caps.)

Me: As suggested and advised by Karen, our therapist, I am speaking to the one who raged at my husband's picture on Monday afternoon and called him a "Dumb Ass." This is not to blame or condemn--only to differentiate.

I thought about calling you "The Intimidator," but I'm sure that's selling you short. It appears to me that one of your major roles is to help us avoid humiliation....THANK YOU!

I know this was a BIG factor in our childhood abuse, so this has been an important role. Yet, I am sure you serve other functions as well. Would you like to tell me about them and/or give me a name you would prefer I use when speaking with you?

I WANT SOME RESPECT. I DESERVE AT LEAST THAT MUCH FOR ALL I'VE DONE!

Yes. That's true.

YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN STUCK BEING A GOOBER ALL YOUR LIFE IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME!

I agree that you deserve respect and appreciation. I thank you for all the times you saved me from public humiliation and more social mortification. I'm sorry that my fear has kept me from seeing your positive role and appreciating you.

I AM TO BE FEARED AND RESPECTED.

I'd like us to agree, though, that we will all show more respect to each other. When we attack each other it is very counter-productive.

If we all agree not to tell you, "shut up!" or call you a "raging maniac," could you agree not to call me "ugly" or "stupid" or call my husband a "Dumb Ass?"

WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME? I DON'T CARE. I'M NO CHUMP. I'M NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO CARE ABOUT THAT SHIT!

I think you do care. That's why you've taken your role so seriously and been quite diligent about it. I respect your hard work and courage.

BUT WHEN THE PEOPLE I PROTECT TURN ON ME, I HAVE TO PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE!

I would prefer that everyone inside decide their own place and then communicate that with me. But, you could be in invaluable asset to everyone if you helped me by sharing your vast intelligence and information. You could be a light for those still in the dark. Would you be open to that?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP IN RETURN?

You, and everyone else--including me--need to commit to following the rule of no name calling. There is no one here now, February of 2007, in this house, in this community, in this state, who calls us names any more. We no longer need to avoid intimidation by intimidating back.

BUT YOUR HUSBAND GOT IN YOUR FACE AND THAT WASN'T RIGHT!

Yes, and he felt bad about it and apologized and we talked calmly about how he could respond differently next time. We're all learning and he is willing to learn, too. He was just scared.

I'M NOT SCARED!

Well, maybe you're not, but there are a lot of people here who are. And your name-calling and yelling scares the little ones and me, too, sometimes. I appreciate you talking to me calmly now and helping me not be so scared because I can think better this way.

WELL, IT'S HARD NOT TO THINK OF THAT KIND OF STUFF AS JUST WEAK. THE WEAK TURN INTO VICTIMS YOU KNOW.

So, is that your role, too, to help us from ever being a victim again?

YOU GOT IT!

You were there when that creep was following us on the street in Chicago years ago weren't you?

YEP. I SCARED THE LITTLE CREEP AWAY!

That was amazing! I'm grateful and very impressed.

JUST MY JOB.

Well, how about we agree that if we're ever in any real danger like that again--danger of being mugged, etc.--you can use whatever swear words you want and be as intimidating as you like (unless they have a gun on us or something and mouthing off would get us shot)? We need to differentiate between whether there's real danger or not.

What do you think about hanging out in a light house? You re so observant and have such keen instincts. You could spot danger right away and shine a light on it and alert us all so we can stay safe. (This was an idea I came up with after my T suggested that I urge this part to go into the "safe place" visualized sun porch that most of us use as safe sanctuary. I didn't feel that this part would feel comfortable or desire to go there.)

YEAH. I GUESS THAT COULD WORK.

Will you think about a respectful name we could call you?

YEAH. IT'S GOT TO COMMAND RESPECT. I'LL THINK OF GOOD ONE.

Thanks. And thanks for talking to me and being open to some new ideas. It's very helpful and I feel better.

IT'S ALRIGHT. I WANT US TO BE ON GOOD TERMS.

I appreciate that and I'll talk to you later.

***

Later, we agreed on the name, "Sentry." Now, Sentry hangs out in a lighthouse and oversees the safety of little ones playing on a beach. So, now we have another "safe place" visualization environment that works for several parts. It's a win-win situation. I felt an amazing sense of relief after doing this exercise and opening up this line of communication. Marlene Steinberg, M.D., who wrote The Stranger In The Mirror, calls this part of "The Four C's" of working with one's parts. I agree that comfort, communication, cooperation, and connection--these "four C's"--are going to be very important in my healing. I'm working hard right now to get some of these established.

Labels: child abuse, connection, DID, dissociation, mapping, sexual abuse survivors, support, system, therapy, triggers