June 24, 2006
How Does One Retrieve Repressed Memories of Abuse?
For a long time, I've resisted the urge to write any kind of introduction for my book. I know it's a common problem for writers to get hung up there, editing and revising, and have difficulty progressing with the story. What I've done is skip around. I've gotten a lot written by not spending too much time in any one prescribed area.
I did, however, recently take a stab at a lead-in of sorts for my story of retrieving repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). It's interesting how clueless I was for such a very long time.
I can tell you when the dam broke and the full force of the PTSD flood of my post-traumatic stress disorder came bursting forth (that story is for another time). But, it's harder to say when the cracks first appeared and I started being conscious of the repressed memories of my CSA.
It definitely was not as early on as high school, although the sexual assaults had ended some seven or eight years prior. No, in high school I thought I was a virgin. I told my boyfriends I wanted to stay that way.
The truth was, I wasn't so much waiting for my true love as I was simply petrified with fear of sex. I had my first real boyfriend at age 15. That's when I got my first real kiss. It felt like I had melted. That first kiss was so romantic. I loved the kiss, but I wanted nothing to do with going any further.
Later, there was another boy who was quite stimulating to my hormone-charged teenage self. But, my excitement frightened me. His excitement frightened me even more.
We got terribly close to "going all the way" once. I stopped it at the last possible moment. In a total panic, I managed to squeak out, "Let's not do anything too heavy." I couldn't bring myself to utter the word, "sex." At that point in time, the only clothing that remained on my body was my mint green bikini panties.
It's still amazing to me that this young man stopped. He didn't even call me a tease. I'll be forever grateful to him for that. Once he went off to college, I assume he began an active sex life. He left me behind in high school and left me alone with my chastity.
I lost many boyfriends during those high school years because I wouldn't "put out." I never went to the prom. In many ways, I didn't care. My fear was too great a hurdle for me to clear for any boy. I didn't know why I was so afraid, really. The fear was a powerful force that I was not willing to examine at the time.
I still had no clue about my CSA survivor status as I entered college. I remained chaste and got excellent grades during my freshman year.
During my sophomore year, I joined a sorority and my social life expanded. That's when I met the first love of my life. I was crazy in love and did not question the inevitability that we would have sex.
I still think of this lost love often. I believe I would remain drawn to him if I met up with him again today.
While I loved this young man and gave my body freely to him, I don't have many memories of our sex life. I'm reasonably sure that we made love with the lights off and that I lay beneath him with my eyes closed.
He never complained. He never committed either. I guess you could say that he broke my heart. When he broke off our relationship to date others, I was devastated.
Prior to the break-up, after we had just made love, I told him, "I love you." I got no response. Though he wouldn't commit, wouldn't say he loved me and wanted to date others, I was slow to give up on the relationship. I was desperately in love and couldn't let go. My sorority's spring formal dance was coming up and I begged the guy who had dumped me to go with me anyway. I guess I didn't want to miss the prom again. He did not take me to his fraternity's spring dance; he took someone else. Yet, I happily took him to my formal and, of course, we had sex after the dancing.
During this period of my dissociated devastation, I swung from one end of the sex spectrum to the other. I got stoned and had casual sex with a guy I barely knew. Then I went with another fraternity guy to his spring formal "just as friends." When my "friend" wanted to have sex, I broke down in tears and explained that I couldn't participate because I was still so heart-broken over the breakup with my boyfriend. I guess, because he knew my old boyfriend, he pretended to be understanding at the time.
Later, it was a different story. There was a party at the fraternity house of my "friend." At one point, we went into his room. We'd been in there many times and I was not afraid or suspecting of anything.
We were sitting on his bed talking when suddenly he was on top of me. I said no, cried and tried to turn away. But, he pinned my arms down. I have always felt guilty because I did not scream out or struggle very hard. I think my CSA groomed me to stay quiet and realize that struggling was futile. Some days after the party, when I told my sister about the incident, she was the one who pointed out that my arms had been pinned down and I had, indeed, been raped.
I now know that this period of my life was not nearly as damaging and tortuous as my childhood. Yet it was quite traumatic for me. During this time I became pregnant. I came very close to telling my old boyfriend of my condition. I had him on the phone once but couldn't reveal my secret. I did not know who the father of the child was. I didn't tell my ex because I still loved him and I didn't want to trap him with a child who may not have been his. I decided to get an abortion instead. This added to my trauma.
I never reported the rape. I didn't speak of it again for another decade.
I think I then made the subconscious decision to stick like glue to any man who would finally admit to loving me. That man became my first husband. He was only physically abusive toward me once. It was when we were separated, before our divorce. In a fit of anger, he grabbed me by the arm and threw me to the floor.
During our brief marriage, my mate did many odd things that made me uncomfortable. What drove me crazy was his habit of following me around our small apartment. He often spied on me while I was in the shower. One time, I was coming out of the bathroom after showering wearing only a towel. I was ambushed by my ex who jumped out at me and snatched my towel away. He pushed me onto the bed and snapped a Polaroid picture of me sprawled there naked with a deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face.
During my young adult years following college, my self-esteem was critically low. Hell, I think it had been at this critical depth since about the time I was in junior high. Yet, by the time of my divorce, something started to shift in my mind. A tiny spark of self-confidence told me I had rights and deserved better. I never used the term "abuse." Although I was taking steps to that effect, I never thought or stated, "Nobody will ever abuse me again."
One of those essential steps was quitting my first big job that I thought was leading to a successful career. I had been working at an advertising agency where one of the higher-ups sexually harassed me time and again. I did not sleep my way to the top, but worked hard and got promoted there three times. Despite the promotions and the agency paying my way toward a Master's degree, I decided to leave.
Maybe I just got fed up; within a year, I quit my job in the sexual harassment environment and got divorced. I never did finish my Master's, but I never allowed anyone to ever abuse me again, either.
Copyright 2006 by Marj McCabe. All Rights Reserved.
I did, however, recently take a stab at a lead-in of sorts for my story of retrieving repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). It's interesting how clueless I was for such a very long time.
I can tell you when the dam broke and the full force of the PTSD flood of my post-traumatic stress disorder came bursting forth (that story is for another time). But, it's harder to say when the cracks first appeared and I started being conscious of the repressed memories of my CSA.
It definitely was not as early on as high school, although the sexual assaults had ended some seven or eight years prior. No, in high school I thought I was a virgin. I told my boyfriends I wanted to stay that way.
The truth was, I wasn't so much waiting for my true love as I was simply petrified with fear of sex. I had my first real boyfriend at age 15. That's when I got my first real kiss. It felt like I had melted. That first kiss was so romantic. I loved the kiss, but I wanted nothing to do with going any further.
Later, there was another boy who was quite stimulating to my hormone-charged teenage self. But, my excitement frightened me. His excitement frightened me even more.
We got terribly close to "going all the way" once. I stopped it at the last possible moment. In a total panic, I managed to squeak out, "Let's not do anything too heavy." I couldn't bring myself to utter the word, "sex." At that point in time, the only clothing that remained on my body was my mint green bikini panties.
It's still amazing to me that this young man stopped. He didn't even call me a tease. I'll be forever grateful to him for that. Once he went off to college, I assume he began an active sex life. He left me behind in high school and left me alone with my chastity.
I lost many boyfriends during those high school years because I wouldn't "put out." I never went to the prom. In many ways, I didn't care. My fear was too great a hurdle for me to clear for any boy. I didn't know why I was so afraid, really. The fear was a powerful force that I was not willing to examine at the time.
I still had no clue about my CSA survivor status as I entered college. I remained chaste and got excellent grades during my freshman year.
During my sophomore year, I joined a sorority and my social life expanded. That's when I met the first love of my life. I was crazy in love and did not question the inevitability that we would have sex.
I still think of this lost love often. I believe I would remain drawn to him if I met up with him again today.
While I loved this young man and gave my body freely to him, I don't have many memories of our sex life. I'm reasonably sure that we made love with the lights off and that I lay beneath him with my eyes closed.
He never complained. He never committed either. I guess you could say that he broke my heart. When he broke off our relationship to date others, I was devastated.
Prior to the break-up, after we had just made love, I told him, "I love you." I got no response. Though he wouldn't commit, wouldn't say he loved me and wanted to date others, I was slow to give up on the relationship. I was desperately in love and couldn't let go. My sorority's spring formal dance was coming up and I begged the guy who had dumped me to go with me anyway. I guess I didn't want to miss the prom again. He did not take me to his fraternity's spring dance; he took someone else. Yet, I happily took him to my formal and, of course, we had sex after the dancing.
During this period of my dissociated devastation, I swung from one end of the sex spectrum to the other. I got stoned and had casual sex with a guy I barely knew. Then I went with another fraternity guy to his spring formal "just as friends." When my "friend" wanted to have sex, I broke down in tears and explained that I couldn't participate because I was still so heart-broken over the breakup with my boyfriend. I guess, because he knew my old boyfriend, he pretended to be understanding at the time.
Later, it was a different story. There was a party at the fraternity house of my "friend." At one point, we went into his room. We'd been in there many times and I was not afraid or suspecting of anything.
We were sitting on his bed talking when suddenly he was on top of me. I said no, cried and tried to turn away. But, he pinned my arms down. I have always felt guilty because I did not scream out or struggle very hard. I think my CSA groomed me to stay quiet and realize that struggling was futile. Some days after the party, when I told my sister about the incident, she was the one who pointed out that my arms had been pinned down and I had, indeed, been raped.
I now know that this period of my life was not nearly as damaging and tortuous as my childhood. Yet it was quite traumatic for me. During this time I became pregnant. I came very close to telling my old boyfriend of my condition. I had him on the phone once but couldn't reveal my secret. I did not know who the father of the child was. I didn't tell my ex because I still loved him and I didn't want to trap him with a child who may not have been his. I decided to get an abortion instead. This added to my trauma.
I never reported the rape. I didn't speak of it again for another decade.
I think I then made the subconscious decision to stick like glue to any man who would finally admit to loving me. That man became my first husband. He was only physically abusive toward me once. It was when we were separated, before our divorce. In a fit of anger, he grabbed me by the arm and threw me to the floor.
During our brief marriage, my mate did many odd things that made me uncomfortable. What drove me crazy was his habit of following me around our small apartment. He often spied on me while I was in the shower. One time, I was coming out of the bathroom after showering wearing only a towel. I was ambushed by my ex who jumped out at me and snatched my towel away. He pushed me onto the bed and snapped a Polaroid picture of me sprawled there naked with a deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face.
During my young adult years following college, my self-esteem was critically low. Hell, I think it had been at this critical depth since about the time I was in junior high. Yet, by the time of my divorce, something started to shift in my mind. A tiny spark of self-confidence told me I had rights and deserved better. I never used the term "abuse." Although I was taking steps to that effect, I never thought or stated, "Nobody will ever abuse me again."
One of those essential steps was quitting my first big job that I thought was leading to a successful career. I had been working at an advertising agency where one of the higher-ups sexually harassed me time and again. I did not sleep my way to the top, but worked hard and got promoted there three times. Despite the promotions and the agency paying my way toward a Master's degree, I decided to leave.
Maybe I just got fed up; within a year, I quit my job in the sexual harassment environment and got divorced. I never did finish my Master's, but I never allowed anyone to ever abuse me again, either.
Copyright 2006 by Marj McCabe. All Rights Reserved.
Labels: abuse, acquaintance rape, aftermath, awareness, denial, freeze response, journey, physical abuse, PTSD, rape, sexual harassment, trauma, victims
Quick Carnival Update
Yep, we're locked in for our second edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse at www.blogcarnival.com. I've got some submissions starting to come in (I'll get around to everyone and confirm receipt). We're going to have some repeat bloggers and some new folks joining us.
It looks like the Carnival Against Child Abuse will be a true "carnival," traveling around from blog to blog. I believe we have bloggers interested in hosting the third, fourth and fifth editions for August, September and October. I'll be in touch about passing the host baton.
As much as I appreciate and am excited about the carnival experience, I want to write something non-carnival related. My next post will be something I'm working on for my book.
It looks like the Carnival Against Child Abuse will be a true "carnival," traveling around from blog to blog. I believe we have bloggers interested in hosting the third, fourth and fifth editions for August, September and October. I'll be in touch about passing the host baton.
As much as I appreciate and am excited about the carnival experience, I want to write something non-carnival related. My next post will be something I'm working on for my book.
June 21, 2006
Second Edition: Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse
The first edition of our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is a wonderful, awareness-raising success. We're helping to erase stigma and support each other as fellow survivors. Thanks to all the participants, linkers and other supporters.
I included one post each for every blogger who submitted to this carnival with the following exceptions: I received one entry--from a blogger who was completely new to me--that I considered spam, because the blog showed nothing about children or abuse that I could find; the other entry was about an adult rape and I encouraged the submitter to link something that was about a child under the age of 18 and/or send the adult rape post to Marcella's blog Carnival Against Sexual Violence at Abyss2Hope.
Since many of you submitted mutiple posts and I've got other bloggers who are now interested, I've decided to do a Second Edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse. It will post on Wednesday, July 19, 2006. The deadline for submissions is Monday, July 17, 2006. This information should now be up at www.blogcarnival.com.
I've also decided that we should do like the traditional carnivals do--be a true, traveling carnival that travels around from blog to blog. I've got one interested blogger who thinks the third edition (August?) is something she'd be willing to host. Any other interested hosts out there?
I included one post each for every blogger who submitted to this carnival with the following exceptions: I received one entry--from a blogger who was completely new to me--that I considered spam, because the blog showed nothing about children or abuse that I could find; the other entry was about an adult rape and I encouraged the submitter to link something that was about a child under the age of 18 and/or send the adult rape post to Marcella's blog Carnival Against Sexual Violence at Abyss2Hope.
Since many of you submitted mutiple posts and I've got other bloggers who are now interested, I've decided to do a Second Edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse. It will post on Wednesday, July 19, 2006. The deadline for submissions is Monday, July 17, 2006. This information should now be up at www.blogcarnival.com.
I've also decided that we should do like the traditional carnivals do--be a true, traveling carnival that travels around from blog to blog. I've got one interested blogger who thinks the third edition (August?) is something she'd be willing to host. Any other interested hosts out there?
June 19, 2006
The Debut Of Our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse--Here Are All The Links
The response I received to my request for submissions to the first-ever Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse was much stronger than I ever could have hoped for or anticipated. Thanks to all 26 participants who had the courage to get involved in order to raise awareness on this critical issue. Please visit these brave bloggers using the links below and leave comments with your support.
Survivor Stories
I'll get the ball rolling with the post of my own survivor story. I am a survivor of child sexual, verbal, physical and spiritual abuse. Please use caution when reading any of these carnival posts. Child abuse is a volatile subject. Destroying the innocent trust of a child is a heinous act. Any and all of these accounts are potentially disturbing. Here is the post that contains part of my survivor story from Survivors Can Thrive!
Mysti was raped at the age of 16. She talks about how she built a wall of protection around herself after that pivotal event. Mysti's story is at her blog called "Season For Angels."
The blogger, Wanda's Wings, posts "before" and "after" photographs of herself. She notes that she could not find one photo of herself where she is smiling during the time of her abuse. Her post is called, "Changed Forever."
Poetry
Fallen Angels of the blog, "Safe Place Dissociative Dialogue," has written a poem. In the poem, the question is asked that may be a common question among survivors who dissociate. The question is, "What happened to me to make me unreal?" The title of the poem is also a question and is called, "Who Am I?"
Jumping In Puddles, of the "Life Spacings" blog also writes poetry that is related to dissociation. The poem that's been posted talks about seeing "pieces of me." The poem is called, "When I Look In The Mirror."
Whitedove is a prolific poet. You will find many poems on her blog. She has submitted one that talks about the day "it all started." Her poem is called, "Touched."
Patty writes a blog called, "Daughter Protecting Daughters." A poem she wrote talks about the marks of molestation and the triggers that follow. The poem is entitled, "My Marks From Your Fornication." When submitting this poem for the carnival, Patty remarked, "Victims of sexual abuse get LIFE with NO justice and molesters get a life with new victims every day, if we don't break the silence!"
In The News
Scarlett Demon posted a news article on her blog, "Carpe Noctem," that made her cry. It was a BBC News article on the statistics about how school children are given no information on sexual abuse with their lessons.
I don't know how I received the next submission or who referred the submitter, but I appreciate the link. It is to an article estimating that 40,000 women and children would be at risk of exploitation through sex trafficking in Germany to support the demand for sex during the World Cup. The article appears in the Atlantic Review.
Healing & Therapy
Al Johnson writes about child abuse and recovery poetry in his blog, "Wrong Words." He posts about a therapy exercise where he writes the un-mailed letter to his abuser. In the letter he speaks of his fear of his father. Al remarked, "My therapist suggested I write a letter to my father, telling him how I felt about his abuse of me. The letter is to help me better get in touch with appropriate feelings about the abuse and the abuser. The letter will not be sent to my father. The exercise is for my sake." Here is Al's "My Letter To My Father."
Survivor, of "Survivor of Rape and Incest," also wrote a therapeutic letter to her father. Her letter is about getting the anger out and realizing that the abuse was not her fault. Here is Survivor's "Letter to My Father."
I thought is was telling that, of our seven posts in the Healing & Therapy category, three bloggers decided to include letters to their abusers. The Conflicted Redhead, of the blog with the same name, was raped at the age of 13. After writing a letter to her rapists, she says, "I have no more secrets that can hurt me." Here is her post entitled, "Write a Letter to Your Rapist."
Austin of Sundrip Journals, who writes the blog, "The People Behind My Eyes," submitted a post that highlights survivor rights and says in the remarks, "I have the right to survive. I have the right to thrive." I couldn't agree more, Austin! Here is the post on "Survivor Rights."
April Optimist writes a blog called "The Thriver's Toolbox" (I love that name!). Her post talks about healing through being aware of our strengths and moments in our lives that are filled with smiles and laughter. Her remarks state, "I'm submitting this blog because I believe that laughter and moments when we smile and being aware of our strengths are all an important part of the healing process." Her post is called, "We Can Choose."
Charlie Callahan's blog, "Used Kitty Litter," will make you laugh and it will make you cry. He writes about the healing effects of a child abuse survivor realizing, "I am good." He says, "The pain doesn't stop until we start to un-believe the lie." It's all in his post, "Childhood Regained."
Hope Forus, of the blog Hope4Survivors, posts the first of a seven-part series on "Identifying Triggers and Phobias."
Aftermath
This category is about what happens to a child (or an adult) after the abuse that occurs during childhood. One common "aftermath" effect is eating disorders. Peggikaye, "Dreaming Again" of the "Pearls And Dreams" blog, has dealt with an eating disorder. When getting help for this, Peggikaye was told that she fit the "profile" for childhood molestation, but it was something that she had discounted. In her remarks she notes that this is, "My first public telling as me." Her post is, "Giving Words To Healing."
Carolyn Lehman, speaker and author of Strong At The Heart: How It Feels To Heal From Sexual Abuse, notes the "aftermath" of disclosure. Survivors can think that people (even other survivors) will think less of them when they disclose about their abuse. It's a cycle of shame and self-blame. Carolyn remarks, "You can never anticipate the aftermath of speaking out. I selected this blog entry because in the comment section there is a moving letter from a mother, describing her daughter's disclosure of childhood rape on the way home from a book event. The discussion with the therapist continues in comments on another post "what came of black oak" which you can find under "events" or "black oak" in the categories bar on the right of the blog. " Make sure you read the comments on Carolyn's blog, because that's where all the "Aftermath" dialogue is taking place on her post, "Black Oak Books."
Mike, of Child Abuse Survivor (dot net) tells us, "Your childhood was decided for you, adulthood doesn't have to be." He makes this statement in his post, "Who Are You?"
WW of "PTSD Today" has given us an article that discusses the research done on childhood abuse and the child's brain. She remarks, "This is an excellent article on the physical changes in the brain that can happen as a result of abuse." The post title is, "Childhood Abuse Changes The Brain."
I have Marcella Chester to thank for turning me on to blog carnivals. I encourage you all to visit the carnival she is hosting: Carnival Against Sexual Violence. On her blog, Abyss2Hope, she's posted about child offenders in, "What's To Blame When Children Sexually Offend?"
Advocacy & Awareness
The website owner for "As Waters Passing By" has a blog of the same name. Her post talks about her experiences while participating in the survivor audio documentary, Voices of Strength.
Dr. Deborah Serani is a psychologist who specialized in trauma and depression. She is also a wonderful child advocate and raises much-needed awareness on the effects of child abuse. This particular blog post from January lists child abuse statistics and safety tips. In her remarks she said, "This post talks about what every parent needs to know about child sexual abuse."
On a similar note, Athena, of "Athena's Mind," urges us to realize that informed kids are less likely to become child sexual abuse victims. It's in her post, "Talk To Your Children About Sex."
Sonnie_Dee of the blog, "Sonnie's Daze," talks about "Disclosing Abuse."
Last but certainly not least, is Moof of "Moof's Tale." She firmly believes that awareness brings healing. This is from her remarks: "Sexual abuse from several different perspectives: 1) Coming forward and speaking out in order to begin the healing 2) Surviving beyond the healing - living down the label of 'victim' 3) The importance of forgiveness in moving forward with healing ." Her insights are here at her post, "The Many Faces of Sexual Abuse."
Survivor Stories
I'll get the ball rolling with the post of my own survivor story. I am a survivor of child sexual, verbal, physical and spiritual abuse. Please use caution when reading any of these carnival posts. Child abuse is a volatile subject. Destroying the innocent trust of a child is a heinous act. Any and all of these accounts are potentially disturbing. Here is the post that contains part of my survivor story from Survivors Can Thrive!
Mysti was raped at the age of 16. She talks about how she built a wall of protection around herself after that pivotal event. Mysti's story is at her blog called "Season For Angels."
The blogger, Wanda's Wings, posts "before" and "after" photographs of herself. She notes that she could not find one photo of herself where she is smiling during the time of her abuse. Her post is called, "Changed Forever."
Poetry
Fallen Angels of the blog, "Safe Place Dissociative Dialogue," has written a poem. In the poem, the question is asked that may be a common question among survivors who dissociate. The question is, "What happened to me to make me unreal?" The title of the poem is also a question and is called, "Who Am I?"
Jumping In Puddles, of the "Life Spacings" blog also writes poetry that is related to dissociation. The poem that's been posted talks about seeing "pieces of me." The poem is called, "When I Look In The Mirror."
Whitedove is a prolific poet. You will find many poems on her blog. She has submitted one that talks about the day "it all started." Her poem is called, "Touched."
Patty writes a blog called, "Daughter Protecting Daughters." A poem she wrote talks about the marks of molestation and the triggers that follow. The poem is entitled, "My Marks From Your Fornication." When submitting this poem for the carnival, Patty remarked, "Victims of sexual abuse get LIFE with NO justice and molesters get a life with new victims every day, if we don't break the silence!"
In The News
Scarlett Demon posted a news article on her blog, "Carpe Noctem," that made her cry. It was a BBC News article on the statistics about how school children are given no information on sexual abuse with their lessons.
I don't know how I received the next submission or who referred the submitter, but I appreciate the link. It is to an article estimating that 40,000 women and children would be at risk of exploitation through sex trafficking in Germany to support the demand for sex during the World Cup. The article appears in the Atlantic Review.
Healing & Therapy
Al Johnson writes about child abuse and recovery poetry in his blog, "Wrong Words." He posts about a therapy exercise where he writes the un-mailed letter to his abuser. In the letter he speaks of his fear of his father. Al remarked, "My therapist suggested I write a letter to my father, telling him how I felt about his abuse of me. The letter is to help me better get in touch with appropriate feelings about the abuse and the abuser. The letter will not be sent to my father. The exercise is for my sake." Here is Al's "My Letter To My Father."
Survivor, of "Survivor of Rape and Incest," also wrote a therapeutic letter to her father. Her letter is about getting the anger out and realizing that the abuse was not her fault. Here is Survivor's "Letter to My Father."
I thought is was telling that, of our seven posts in the Healing & Therapy category, three bloggers decided to include letters to their abusers. The Conflicted Redhead, of the blog with the same name, was raped at the age of 13. After writing a letter to her rapists, she says, "I have no more secrets that can hurt me." Here is her post entitled, "Write a Letter to Your Rapist."
Austin of Sundrip Journals, who writes the blog, "The People Behind My Eyes," submitted a post that highlights survivor rights and says in the remarks, "I have the right to survive. I have the right to thrive." I couldn't agree more, Austin! Here is the post on "Survivor Rights."
April Optimist writes a blog called "The Thriver's Toolbox" (I love that name!). Her post talks about healing through being aware of our strengths and moments in our lives that are filled with smiles and laughter. Her remarks state, "I'm submitting this blog because I believe that laughter and moments when we smile and being aware of our strengths are all an important part of the healing process." Her post is called, "We Can Choose."
Charlie Callahan's blog, "Used Kitty Litter," will make you laugh and it will make you cry. He writes about the healing effects of a child abuse survivor realizing, "I am good." He says, "The pain doesn't stop until we start to un-believe the lie." It's all in his post, "Childhood Regained."
Hope Forus, of the blog Hope4Survivors, posts the first of a seven-part series on "Identifying Triggers and Phobias."
Aftermath
This category is about what happens to a child (or an adult) after the abuse that occurs during childhood. One common "aftermath" effect is eating disorders. Peggikaye, "Dreaming Again" of the "Pearls And Dreams" blog, has dealt with an eating disorder. When getting help for this, Peggikaye was told that she fit the "profile" for childhood molestation, but it was something that she had discounted. In her remarks she notes that this is, "My first public telling as me." Her post is, "Giving Words To Healing."
Carolyn Lehman, speaker and author of Strong At The Heart: How It Feels To Heal From Sexual Abuse, notes the "aftermath" of disclosure. Survivors can think that people (even other survivors) will think less of them when they disclose about their abuse. It's a cycle of shame and self-blame. Carolyn remarks, "You can never anticipate the aftermath of speaking out. I selected this blog entry because in the comment section there is a moving letter from a mother, describing her daughter's disclosure of childhood rape on the way home from a book event. The discussion with the therapist continues in comments on another post "what came of black oak" which you can find under "events" or "black oak" in the categories bar on the right of the blog. " Make sure you read the comments on Carolyn's blog, because that's where all the "Aftermath" dialogue is taking place on her post, "Black Oak Books."
Mike, of Child Abuse Survivor (dot net) tells us, "Your childhood was decided for you, adulthood doesn't have to be." He makes this statement in his post, "Who Are You?"
WW of "PTSD Today" has given us an article that discusses the research done on childhood abuse and the child's brain. She remarks, "This is an excellent article on the physical changes in the brain that can happen as a result of abuse." The post title is, "Childhood Abuse Changes The Brain."
I have Marcella Chester to thank for turning me on to blog carnivals. I encourage you all to visit the carnival she is hosting: Carnival Against Sexual Violence. On her blog, Abyss2Hope, she's posted about child offenders in, "What's To Blame When Children Sexually Offend?"
Advocacy & Awareness
The website owner for "As Waters Passing By" has a blog of the same name. Her post talks about her experiences while participating in the survivor audio documentary, Voices of Strength.
Dr. Deborah Serani is a psychologist who specialized in trauma and depression. She is also a wonderful child advocate and raises much-needed awareness on the effects of child abuse. This particular blog post from January lists child abuse statistics and safety tips. In her remarks she said, "This post talks about what every parent needs to know about child sexual abuse."
On a similar note, Athena, of "Athena's Mind," urges us to realize that informed kids are less likely to become child sexual abuse victims. It's in her post, "Talk To Your Children About Sex."
Sonnie_Dee of the blog, "Sonnie's Daze," talks about "Disclosing Abuse."
Last but certainly not least, is Moof of "Moof's Tale." She firmly believes that awareness brings healing. This is from her remarks: "Sexual abuse from several different perspectives: 1) Coming forward and speaking out in order to begin the healing 2) Surviving beyond the healing - living down the label of 'victim' 3) The importance of forgiveness in moving forward with healing ." Her insights are here at her post, "The Many Faces of Sexual Abuse."
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, child protection, childhood sexual abuse, healing, links, Poetry, PTSD, survivors, therapy
June 15, 2006
Blog Carnival: A Wild Ride!
Today is Deadline Day for submitting to our blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. The submissions are still streaming in. You have until 11pm EST tonight to get your submission in at www.blogcarnival.com if you still want to be part of the first edition of this carnival. We will be having a second edition (date to be announced--probably some time in July). If your current submission reaches Blog Carnival after the deadline, it will automatically be saved by them (to be forwarded later to me) for the next edition.
I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I am including everyone who submits an appropriate post link. What I mean by appropriate is any blog article, written by you, (or approved by the blog author if nominated by you) that fits the child abuse category. To my mind that means anything that fits into any of the six categories of Survivor Stories, Poetry, In the News, Healing & Therapy, Aftermath, or Advocacy & Awareness about the rape, abuse, molestation, beating, or any other kind of verbal, emotional or spiritual abuse of children under the age of 18. We have gotten a LOT of submissions in the areas of Healing & Therapy and Advocacy and Awareness. We've gotten a fair number in Aftermath and Poetry; not so much on In the News or Survivor Stories. I decided to use an abuse account for my own submission (See below--be careful! Trigger Warning!) so we'll have another survivor story included.
We've got more submissions than I ever dreamed we'd get on the first try! We will probably see at least 20 to 25 post links for the first edition. But, I want to include at least one post from everybody; this is not about politics or any kind of contest. This is about sharing and supporting one another while we raise awareness on this important issue.
However, I feel strongly (from my corporate communications background) that we can't put up too many links in one edition because people have a tendency not to wade through a ton of information to read it all. Therefore, I am definitely organizing a second carnival edition. If you submitted more than once this time, you will see that only one of your submissions will post for the first edition, while the rest will be saved for later editions. I will choose which one of the multiple submissions I'll use this time based on my desire to see a nice variety of posts representing each of the six categories. If you submitted only one post, but were hoping to include more of your wonderful writing, go ahead and send in another post for the subsequent edition(s).
Speaking of subsequent editions, I think I'll take on edition number two, but how 'bout a third..fourth..fifth edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse? Would anyone else be willing to host future editions of our carnival? If so, we could be like the first, "traditional" (yeah, how can anything this new and cutting-edge be traditional, right?) blog carnivals and be a true traveling carnival of blog links. Be thinking about it over the weekend and make sure to check in here on Monday to view our first carnival edition in its entirety.
I will be getting up links on my sidebar here to anyone who is participating in this carnival. That way, visitors can start getting to know your blog before Monday. I will also get around to everyone who submitted and e-mail you with a confirmation of receipt. Whoo Hoo! I'm excited and just feel so honored to be part of such an aware and caring group of bloggers. Thanks to all!
I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I am including everyone who submits an appropriate post link. What I mean by appropriate is any blog article, written by you, (or approved by the blog author if nominated by you) that fits the child abuse category. To my mind that means anything that fits into any of the six categories of Survivor Stories, Poetry, In the News, Healing & Therapy, Aftermath, or Advocacy & Awareness about the rape, abuse, molestation, beating, or any other kind of verbal, emotional or spiritual abuse of children under the age of 18. We have gotten a LOT of submissions in the areas of Healing & Therapy and Advocacy and Awareness. We've gotten a fair number in Aftermath and Poetry; not so much on In the News or Survivor Stories. I decided to use an abuse account for my own submission (See below--be careful! Trigger Warning!) so we'll have another survivor story included.
We've got more submissions than I ever dreamed we'd get on the first try! We will probably see at least 20 to 25 post links for the first edition. But, I want to include at least one post from everybody; this is not about politics or any kind of contest. This is about sharing and supporting one another while we raise awareness on this important issue.
However, I feel strongly (from my corporate communications background) that we can't put up too many links in one edition because people have a tendency not to wade through a ton of information to read it all. Therefore, I am definitely organizing a second carnival edition. If you submitted more than once this time, you will see that only one of your submissions will post for the first edition, while the rest will be saved for later editions. I will choose which one of the multiple submissions I'll use this time based on my desire to see a nice variety of posts representing each of the six categories. If you submitted only one post, but were hoping to include more of your wonderful writing, go ahead and send in another post for the subsequent edition(s).
Speaking of subsequent editions, I think I'll take on edition number two, but how 'bout a third..fourth..fifth edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse? Would anyone else be willing to host future editions of our carnival? If so, we could be like the first, "traditional" (yeah, how can anything this new and cutting-edge be traditional, right?) blog carnivals and be a true traveling carnival of blog links. Be thinking about it over the weekend and make sure to check in here on Monday to view our first carnival edition in its entirety.
I will be getting up links on my sidebar here to anyone who is participating in this carnival. That way, visitors can start getting to know your blog before Monday. I will also get around to everyone who submitted and e-mail you with a confirmation of receipt. Whoo Hoo! I'm excited and just feel so honored to be part of such an aware and caring group of bloggers. Thanks to all!
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, healing, links, Poetry, survivors, therapy
Blog Carnival Child Sexual Abuse Survivor Story--Mine
I got the finalization instructions for posting our blog Carnival Against Child Abuse from Blog Carnival today. I'm going to be able to put in a new permalink for all the carnival links, so now I feel free to put up some other, newer posts. We're going to have at least 20 posts up for the first edition of our Carnival Against Child Abuse on Monday. I noticed as I was going through the submissions, however, that we only had a couple of survivor stories, while we have seven or eight each for "Healing & Therapy" and "Advocacy and Awareness." Yay for us; we're healing and raising awareness! Very important achievements.
I know it's hard to share the details of your personal survivor story. I'm finding it difficult myself, so I believe I will just share a couple of abuse accounts that I already have up on my dot com website, www.survivorscanthrive.com.
Please be careful! **TRIGGER WARNING for the FOLLOWING**
If you have DID, or some other type of dissociative disorder as I do (or PTSD), I recommend you read these accounts only while under the guidance of a trained mental health professional.
The Pink Towel
I know it's hard to share the details of your personal survivor story. I'm finding it difficult myself, so I believe I will just share a couple of abuse accounts that I already have up on my dot com website, www.survivorscanthrive.com.
Please be careful! **TRIGGER WARNING for the FOLLOWING**
If you have DID, or some other type of dissociative disorder as I do (or PTSD), I recommend you read these accounts only while under the guidance of a trained mental health professional.
The Pink Towel
My twin sister and I had just finished taking our bedtime baths. I'm sitting on my bed, carefully smoothing down the pink towel that will protect my pillow from my wet hair during the night. But, there is no one to protect me from the night's inevitable sexual abuse.
I turn to see who has just entered the room. It's my father and he's already unzipped his trousers. He grabs me by the shoulders, turning me toward him and guiding my mouth over his penis. As my father begins to thrust, I close my eyes and my body vanishes. Only my ears remain; they are calmly listening to my sister and mother continuing the bedtime routine in the bathroom just across the hall. Mommy turns on the water in the bathroom sink. Sister brushes her teeth.
By the time my twin spits out the toothpaste, our father is finished. It has been quiet and "uneventful," this routine act of bedtime oral abuse. Tonight I have complied quietly and Daddy is happy. Only a small drop of semen has escaped from my mouth. My father smiles and wipes the little trickle from my cheek. He offers me his finger and I automatically, dutifully, lick it clean. It takes just a moment more for Daddy to slip the towel from my pillow, wipe himself off, zip up his pants and exit the room.
A split second later, my mother glides into the room like June Cleaver. Her cheerful, sing-song voice jolts me out of my dissociated stupor. "What did you do with your towel?" Mommy chides. She doesn't wait for an answer. "C'mon, hurry up and brush your teeth for bed." Unfortunately, my mother follows me into the bathroom. I brush my teeth with a sharp eye on the white porcelain of the sink. I hope I that I can be quick if I spit out a dark, curly hair, so I can flush it down the sink before Mommy sees.
"Please," I pray inside my head. "Don't let Mommy find out what I did with Daddy tonight. Please, God, don't let Mommy tell me what a bad, dirty, evil girl I am."
Copyright 2005 by Marj McCabe. All Rights Reserved.
A Fear of Plastic Shower Curtains
"I'm cold, Daddy," I whine. I'm standing, naked, on the little throw rug in the middle of the bathroom floor. "Come on in, then," says the voice behind the shower curtain. "The water's warm," my father informs.
I hate being cold. Cold equals fear. Showers mean fear, too. What should I do? I dread having to join my father in the shower, but I know I must delay no longer. If I don't hurry, Daddy will get mad, or at least jump out of the shower and twist my cold, hard little nipples.
I move forward and gingerly pull back the shower curtain as if it's made out of rotting flesh. As I step into the tub, my eyes dart around. Everything in here scares me: the smell of the plastic shower curtain liner; the feel of the cold, hard porcelain bathtub and metal plumbing fixtures; and most of all, the sight of my naked father, with his dripping wet penis and icky, matted pubic hair. I know he wants oral sex; I especially hate it in the shower. Daddy always stays right under the shower head. Between the water in my nose and his penis in my mouth, I'm always afraid I'm going to smother.
As soon as Daddy directs my head under the coursing water and toward his privates, I start to flail. My hair gets wet immediately, streaming into my eyes. Daddy pulls too hard and my nose plunges into the wet, sticky mass of hair around his penis. I start to panic and blindly grab for support to ensure my footing and help me get away. Even in my terror, I can remember how painful it can be to hit my head, arm or knee on the faucet, so I stay clear of that obstacle. But, the tub is slick and I'm going down. I remember this pain as well--red, stinging knees battered against the tub. I grope for the shower curtain to pull myself back up to standing. I hear a couple of the curtain's fasteners snap and fly off.
Up to this point, I've no idea what my father's reaction is to my panic. He has probably been simply regarding me with mild amusement. He is often amused by my terror. This time--I guess it is because I've damaged the shower curtain--Daddy is enraged. He grabs me by the throat and pulls me up to his face. His eyes are hot and bulging. "You think that's going to save you?" he demands. "You think this is safe, do you?" He drops me back down to the porcelain and snatches a handful of plastic curtain.
Daddy yanks me up by the throat again and thrusts my little body between the waterproof curtain liner and the outside fabric of the shower curtain. He takes a hand and pushes the plastic against my face. The water provides a seal and the waterproof fabric stays in place. I don't dare attempt to remove it. "There. How do you like that?" my father goads. He gathers the air-tight material close around my neck for further effect.
I do not respond or react in any way to his question; I don't even hear him anymore. Through the translucent fabric, my eyes fix on the bathroom window. A voice in my mind tells me, "Go to the light." And I am gone.
Copyright 2005 by Marj McCabe. All Rights Reserved.
Labels: abuse, advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse, childhood sexual abuse, memory work, survivors, Survivors Can Thrive, triggers
June 05, 2006
More Instructions for Submitting to the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse
We've got lots of submissions coming in--fantastic articles and posts raising awareness about child abuse for our Carnival Against Child Abuse on June 19, 2006. Check the previous post immediately below or go to www.blogcarnival.com for all the submission information, deadlines, etc. on our upcoming carnival.
Hurry! The deadline to submit is Thursday night, June 15th!
Update, 6/9/06: There's been some confusion about submitting posts (some of us are pretty new to this blog carnival phenomenon). Let me clarify a few things. First, if you are completely unfamiliar with blog carnivals or find the Blog Carnival website confusing, make sure you see my post with the "4 easy steps for submission" immediately below this post. You can use the link I've provided to go straight to the submission form, if you're ready to jump in and use it.
I've also provided an example of a permalink below; you will need to provide a permalink to the blog post you are submitting. This not only saves me time trying to find the post you intended, but it eliminates confusion and the possibility that I may make a mistake and link the wrong post. Also keep in mind that, by June 19 when the Carnival Against Child Abuse debuts, you may have many more posts up on your blog. The permalink allows visitors to go directly to the child abuse awareness post you intended for the carnival. Please note that, while your post submission will become linked as part of our carnival, it will forever remain pinned up on your blog. It is always yours to do with as you see fit and you retain all rights to it.
If you want to skip my steps below and go right to the Blog Carnival site at www.blogcarnival.com, here are a few points to clarify how that works. First, notice that our carnival is not yet listed on the BC home page; these are carnivals that have already posted. Our carnival won't show up there until the debut date of June 19. To find our (upcoming) carnival, go to the search box at the upper left of the home page. You can search for our carnival by: browsing all carnivals in alpha order, typing in its full name--"Carnival Against Child Abuse", or simply the keywords, "child abuse." (We're the only carnival on child abuse--yeah, we're pioneers!)
Once you click on our carnival name, you get our customized web page with the carnival description, post categories and submission deadline info. You can even click on "Feature This Carnival On Your Blog!" At the upper right of this page is an orange box, "Submit Your Blog Article To This Carnival." If you're ready, go to the submission form by clicking that box. Step-by-step submission instructions are there. Note the field for the permalink. There's even a "what's this?" instruction that describes permalinks and gives an example of one.
Keep those carnival submissions coming in! I appreciate you all!
Hurry! The deadline to submit is Thursday night, June 15th!
Update, 6/9/06: There's been some confusion about submitting posts (some of us are pretty new to this blog carnival phenomenon). Let me clarify a few things. First, if you are completely unfamiliar with blog carnivals or find the Blog Carnival website confusing, make sure you see my post with the "4 easy steps for submission" immediately below this post. You can use the link I've provided to go straight to the submission form, if you're ready to jump in and use it.
I've also provided an example of a permalink below; you will need to provide a permalink to the blog post you are submitting. This not only saves me time trying to find the post you intended, but it eliminates confusion and the possibility that I may make a mistake and link the wrong post. Also keep in mind that, by June 19 when the Carnival Against Child Abuse debuts, you may have many more posts up on your blog. The permalink allows visitors to go directly to the child abuse awareness post you intended for the carnival. Please note that, while your post submission will become linked as part of our carnival, it will forever remain pinned up on your blog. It is always yours to do with as you see fit and you retain all rights to it.
If you want to skip my steps below and go right to the Blog Carnival site at www.blogcarnival.com, here are a few points to clarify how that works. First, notice that our carnival is not yet listed on the BC home page; these are carnivals that have already posted. Our carnival won't show up there until the debut date of June 19. To find our (upcoming) carnival, go to the search box at the upper left of the home page. You can search for our carnival by: browsing all carnivals in alpha order, typing in its full name--"Carnival Against Child Abuse", or simply the keywords, "child abuse." (We're the only carnival on child abuse--yeah, we're pioneers!)
Once you click on our carnival name, you get our customized web page with the carnival description, post categories and submission deadline info. You can even click on "Feature This Carnival On Your Blog!" At the upper right of this page is an orange box, "Submit Your Blog Article To This Carnival." If you're ready, go to the submission form by clicking that box. Step-by-step submission instructions are there. Note the field for the permalink. There's even a "what's this?" instruction that describes permalinks and gives an example of one.
Keep those carnival submissions coming in! I appreciate you all!
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, child abuse
Carnival Against Child Abuse
I've decided to go for it! I think I've got enough interest between bloggers I've spoken with via e-mail, comments here, etc. to organize my own blog carnival. It will be the "Carnival Against Child Abuse."
Update: I've got the carnival booked! The Carnival Against Child Abuse will post on Monday, June 19, 2006. It will be a carnival to raise awareness on all types of child abuse--physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, spiritual. Nominate one of your own child abuse awareness posts or one of another blogger whose work you like.
Since many of us are new to the world of blog carnivals, here's exactly how you submit to our Carnival Against Child Abuse, in four easy steps:
Update: I've got the carnival booked! The Carnival Against Child Abuse will post on Monday, June 19, 2006. It will be a carnival to raise awareness on all types of child abuse--physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, spiritual. Nominate one of your own child abuse awareness posts or one of another blogger whose work you like.
Since many of us are new to the world of blog carnivals, here's exactly how you submit to our Carnival Against Child Abuse, in four easy steps:
- Decide if you want to participate (or one of your aware blogger friends should) in a blog carnival to raise awareness about child abuse. There will be between 15 to 20 blog posts chosen for the carnival. (If I get an overwhelming response, we'll just have a second edition, no problem.)
- Choose a post you already have from your blog, or write a new one and post it to your blog as usual. It should be able to go under one of the following six categories: Survivor Stories, Poetry, In The News, Healing & Therapy, Aftermath, or Advocacy & Awareness.
- Go to the Blog Carnival website and use the submission form to nominate yourself or someone whose blog you admire. Select "carnival against child abuse" from the drop-down menu. Fill in all required fields. Make sure to use the permalink to your blog post (e.g., http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2006/05/take-stand-raise-your-hand.html). Select one of the six child abuse awareness categories (as mentioned above) from the drop-down menu. Leave any words of wisdom, remarks or advocacy statements you'd like to have considered for publication on the day of our carnival.
- Visit my blog here (or link to me from the Blog Carnival site) on June 19 to see the chosen blogger posts and remarks, then link to the posts and comment on them so we all support each other.
It's easy and it's cool! This is the first Blog Carnival I've seen for any kind of child abuse, child sexual abuse, etc. So, we're pioneers in this type of awareness! Be the first to be a part of a child abuse awareness blog carnival and submit your blog today. Don't forget, the deadline is June 15 for the Monday, June 19 carnival.
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, healing, links, Poetry, survivors, therapy
June 01, 2006
Carnival Against Sexual Violence
I feel like such a cyber virgin sometimes. My blogger friend, Marcella, has just introduced me to the world of blog carnivals. Check out the Blog Carnival website at www.blogcarnival.com. I had never heard of these before two weeks ago. It's where a bunch of links go up to posts that have the same flavor, cause, etc.
Marcella, who runs the Abyss2Hope blog, has organized the Carnival Against Sexual Violence, which just went up today. My poem post, Take a Stand, Raise Your Hand, is part of this carnival. I'm honored that Marcella wanted me to be a part of this awareness-raising cyber event.
Go to the Abyss2Hope blog to view all the carnival blogs against sexual violence. There are links to some very courageous and informational carnival posts there. They all relate to sexual violence and include personal stories, creative expression, posts about recovery and more. I also urge you to go to Blog Carnival and look around at the various carnivals to browse: here.
I really feel like I'm part of a vital and vibrant community! Don't you?
Hey, what would you think of being part of a blog carnival? I'm thinking of organizing my own this summer. I would want to do an awareness-raising "cause carnival" as well. Maybe a "Carnival to Stop Child Abuse," or "Carnival to Break the Cycle," or "Carnival to End Abuse," or "Carnival to Stop the Silence" would be useful. I'm leaning toward child advocacy in particular. What do you all think?
Marcella, who runs the Abyss2Hope blog, has organized the Carnival Against Sexual Violence, which just went up today. My poem post, Take a Stand, Raise Your Hand, is part of this carnival. I'm honored that Marcella wanted me to be a part of this awareness-raising cyber event.
Go to the Abyss2Hope blog to view all the carnival blogs against sexual violence. There are links to some very courageous and informational carnival posts there. They all relate to sexual violence and include personal stories, creative expression, posts about recovery and more. I also urge you to go to Blog Carnival and look around at the various carnivals to browse: here.
I really feel like I'm part of a vital and vibrant community! Don't you?
Hey, what would you think of being part of a blog carnival? I'm thinking of organizing my own this summer. I would want to do an awareness-raising "cause carnival" as well. Maybe a "Carnival to Stop Child Abuse," or "Carnival to Break the Cycle," or "Carnival to End Abuse," or "Carnival to Stop the Silence" would be useful. I'm leaning toward child advocacy in particular. What do you all think?
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Against Sexual Violence, blog carnivals, child abuse, child abuse prevention, links, poem, Poetry
