November 19, 2009
Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: November, 2009
It's World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. In honor of this world day of advocacy and awareness, we are holding our monthly Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse today. The response was overwhelming and I am so grateful. We have 35 posts in this edition!
TRIGGER WARNING Child Abuse is an horrific reality in our world today. Understandably, reading articles about the abuse of children can be triggering. Please take appropriate care while perusing the carnival.
Since it is, indeed, World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse, our carnival theme this month is prevention. Here are some posts that fall under the theme:
Ivory's post, Coping With Fall really caught my attention because, like me, she says that fall is her favorite season, yet it is also filled with triggers. She posts at Shades of Ivory, and says, "Healing from child abuse is immeasurably deep and ambiguous. Healing should be needed only when the abuse has not first been prevented."
Faith Hoffen presents HERE'S THE CONDENSED VERSION OF MY TRAUMA - THE CAUSES OF MY INJURIES AND ILLNESSES posted at Hope for Coping with Traumatic Stress, saying, "This is the condensed version of how the child abuse affected me physically up to the present day - including 8 surgeries and continuing pain...But, I still have hope for a better tomorrow."
Colleen Spiro joins us again with her post, Empty Spaces from her blog, Surviving by Grace. Here, she talks about the holiday season approaching and the grief that she feels regarding the estrangement from her family of origin. But, I think Colleen's "feeling of the feelings" shows healthy progress.
This next post, from Jumping in Puddles is very interesting as it describes, A Littles Life Inside a Big Body, at her blog, Life Spacings. JIP commented, "What it's like living inside a big body but stuck being a little because of abuse that created you in the first place." I want to thank the littles in JIP's system for their courage in sharing in this post.
Healing & Therapy
I met Dr. Kathleen Young several months ago through Twitter. She's been a wonderful, consistent supporter of our carnival ever since. Here, she presents, Connection Heals, from her blog, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. I sure do appreciate my connection with her!
Adam is back with, What Causes Depression - Why You Must Examine The Past If You're a Child Abuse Survivor posted at ZenTactics News Page, saying, "I wrote this article based on personal experience. I shared it with another survivor and it rang true for them as well. I hope you like it." Yes, Adam, I like this smart article very much. In fact, I wish I had read it years ago. It took me (an my various doctors and therapists) literally years to figure out that I am not chronically depressed. My depression is situational and usually arises while avoiding horrific childhood memories that are trying to surface.
Dan L Hays presents Talk of Tigers/The Tiger Unveiled posted at Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, saying, " It is how I started to become aware of the rage problem I had, and how I was forced to confront it. It will be the topic of a future book, 'The Tiger Unveiled.'" Good luck with the future book, Dan!
Kellen gives us a therapist's perspective in, Mindfulness, Childhood Trauma and Denial posted at the Kellevision blog. With this submission was the remark, "Relearning mindfulness in order to heal from childhood sexual abuse." I like the advice here about survivors getting back in touch with their bodies. I know I was "out" of my body for a long time and being back in touch with it has been healing for me.
Patricia Singleton gives us a light and easy post, Calm from her blog, Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker. Patricia says, "Part of my journey means enjoying the breaks when they come along. All of life doesn't have to be hard." I'm so happy for you that you are experiencing this calm phase of refreshment, Patricia!
mile 191 gives us her thoughts on parenting from an assignment she did in a marriage and family course: Assignment from Hell: Her REGRET. It's from her blog, come into my closet, and she says, "For this article I chose the Healing category because I sense that I am HEALING finally, as I move out of my childhood and into parenting my own children in a more healthy environment and atmosphere. I feel that while I make mistakes that my children are very blessed. I am breaking the cycle...I am preventing child abuse by being the best Mother that I can be. From the mistakes of my own parents I am growing to become the kind of loving and tender parent that I always wanted. I know that I make mistakes and sometimes healing while being a parent is harder than the abuse itself...Being a parent and healing from a tragic childhood is one of the hardest things that any person could possibly take on." I so agree, Mile. But, we are doing it! Yeah!
Hall monitor presents Teacher accused of forming 'secret society' to have sex with teen girls, posted at Detention Slip saying, "This teacher duped high school girls into sex. We need to stop people like this from entering our schools!" This article, unfortunately, didn't surprise me at all. My own pedophile father was a high school teacher. God only knows what tricks he employed to molest girls there. Raise awareness!
Tamir Birk from Informed Vote presents Nova Scotia Bishop Lahey’s Alleged Child Abuse. This article talks about the incomplete media coverage when it comes to Catholic priest pedophiles who also happen to be of very high rank and influence.
Poetry
Innocencestolen wrote part of her story, My Story, specifically for our blog carnival. Thanks, Innocencestolen! She posts at her blog, aptly named, Innocencestolen's Blog. Thanks for joining us!
Laurie Smith contacted me through Mike's Child Abuse Survivor Network. I'm happy to include her post, Chapter - 5 "In This Corner, Heavy Weight Champion....." from her blog, Not So Fond Memories,Growing up in an Abusive Home. Laurie remarks, "It is my hope that this blog will help to promote child abuse awareness. My blog is my story and I hope that as the chapters unfold, the readers of my blog will see that there is hope, there is light and healing can begin. I am living proof...Thank you to everyone who has ever had it in their heart to intervene and to help an abused child." Thank you for your courage in sharing, Laurie!
castorgirl is back to end our carnival with a post called, Friendship and safety posted at her blog, Scattered pieces. Castorgirl says, "This is a 'thank you' to online friends who accept and understand what it is like to be a survivor." Thank you for this lovely sentiment and for joining us for this carnival edition!
That's it for this edition. I know it is a lot to read with 35 posts. But, I'll keep it up here for a while. You don't have to read all the entries in one sitting, but I know how much all the contributors appreciate a supportive comment at their blog posts. So, get around to as many as you can, won't you? I'd like to thank everyone who submitted their courageous, thoughtful, insightful and helpful blog posts this month. As always, I am so proud of our survivor and supporter community! Thanks for visiting.
TRIGGER WARNING Child Abuse is an horrific reality in our world today. Understandably, reading articles about the abuse of children can be triggering. Please take appropriate care while perusing the carnival.
Since it is, indeed, World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse, our carnival theme this month is prevention. Here are some posts that fall under the theme:
Darkness2Light was kind enough to let us use their post, Tuesday Talking Points, Nov. 17 posted at the Darkness2Light blog. It's a powerful, yet friendly and down-to-earth, video of Darkness2Light's founder explaining why she started the world's leading non-profit working to prevent child sexual abuse. With the submission came the remark, "Our aim is to END child sexual abuse! It's a lofty goal, but we have a way... Find out how we can PREVENT this tragedy."
KathyBroady LCSW offers her Tips for Protecting Your Children from Sexual Abuse posted at her blog, Protective Parenting. In her remarks she said, "Thank you, Thriver, for putting the effort into making this blog carnival about the prevention of sexual abuse. Educating people about how to protect their children is important!" Thank you, Kathy! Predators are determined to get to our children. We need to use wise strategies such as these to outsmart them and keep our kids safe.
Adam writes about How 5 Minutes Worth of Education Can Help You Better Understand How to Prevent Child Abuse at his blog, ZenTactics News Page, and says, "Learning how to prevent child abuse starts by educating yourself first. What are the signs to look for? How do you know if a child is being abused? Read this article." Yes, I also recommend reading this article. It contains some key facts and signs we all should know.
Nancy Gray links us to a survey at her post, NAPCAN: Prevent Child Abuse and Neglect from Child Person From the South, and explains, "This blog is simply an important invitation to participate in a survey on child abuse and neglect being conducted NAPCAN in Australia. The survey is not limited to citizens of Australia and includes many opportunities to share information that may contribute to increased awareness, knowledge, and prevention of child abuse and neglect. I encourage you to take a few moments to take advantage of this opportunity to make a difference for children everywhere." I took the survey and I'm glad I did. Won't you take it, too?
Art Therapy
Next, I want to highlight a brand new category for our carnival: art therapy. I have really experienced great benefit working with collage. Recently, I've enjoyed the almost-instant gratification of digital collage at Polyvore. So, I wanted to offer this opportunity for sharing survivor art and healing here.
Grace highlights her Polyvore collage at her post of the same name: Enter to the right ~ Exit to the left...for me there is no escape from her blog, Good Enough.
Finally, I present my own art therapy post which is also an awareness/prevention post. It's called I am Not a Burden, I am a Child. I posted this on my own blog here in response to some strong emotion that came up for me after reading a news article back in May about the rise in reports of child abuse.
If you decide to go to the Polyvore website and check it out for yourself, you may be a bit confused at first. The home page makes it look like a fashion site, and it is. But in addition to all the fashion images, there are thousands of other images (they call them"items") that you can save into your own personal file at your account and create any kind of healing collage (they call them "sets" over there) that you so desire. Give it a try! I'm glad I did!
Advocacy & Awareness
KathyBroady LCSW delivers a second post this month: Sex Offenders in the Northern Dallas Texas Area from her blog, Protective Parenting. Kathy points out, "An important element of prevention of sexual abuse is having an awareness of the predators in your neighborhood. This blog post provides an example of how to find your local registered sex offenders. Prevent child abuse by knowing exactly who to avoid!"
Colleen Spiro has a way of providing succinct, powerful advocacy posts at her blog, Surviving by Grace. In this post, she talks about The Ripple Effect and asks, "How many people have been helped because I was helped?"
AftermathIvory's post, Coping With Fall really caught my attention because, like me, she says that fall is her favorite season, yet it is also filled with triggers. She posts at Shades of Ivory, and says, "Healing from child abuse is immeasurably deep and ambiguous. Healing should be needed only when the abuse has not first been prevented."
Faith Hoffen presents HERE'S THE CONDENSED VERSION OF MY TRAUMA - THE CAUSES OF MY INJURIES AND ILLNESSES posted at Hope for Coping with Traumatic Stress, saying, "This is the condensed version of how the child abuse affected me physically up to the present day - including 8 surgeries and continuing pain...But, I still have hope for a better tomorrow."
Colleen Spiro joins us again with her post, Empty Spaces from her blog, Surviving by Grace. Here, she talks about the holiday season approaching and the grief that she feels regarding the estrangement from her family of origin. But, I think Colleen's "feeling of the feelings" shows healthy progress.
This next post, from Jumping in Puddles is very interesting as it describes, A Littles Life Inside a Big Body, at her blog, Life Spacings. JIP commented, "What it's like living inside a big body but stuck being a little because of abuse that created you in the first place." I want to thank the littles in JIP's system for their courage in sharing in this post.
Healing & Therapy
I met Dr. Kathleen Young several months ago through Twitter. She's been a wonderful, consistent supporter of our carnival ever since. Here, she presents, Connection Heals, from her blog, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. I sure do appreciate my connection with her!
Adam is back with, What Causes Depression - Why You Must Examine The Past If You're a Child Abuse Survivor posted at ZenTactics News Page, saying, "I wrote this article based on personal experience. I shared it with another survivor and it rang true for them as well. I hope you like it." Yes, Adam, I like this smart article very much. In fact, I wish I had read it years ago. It took me (an my various doctors and therapists) literally years to figure out that I am not chronically depressed. My depression is situational and usually arises while avoiding horrific childhood memories that are trying to surface.
Dan L Hays presents Talk of Tigers/The Tiger Unveiled posted at Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, saying, " It is how I started to become aware of the rage problem I had, and how I was forced to confront it. It will be the topic of a future book, 'The Tiger Unveiled.'" Good luck with the future book, Dan!
Kellen gives us a therapist's perspective in, Mindfulness, Childhood Trauma and Denial posted at the Kellevision blog. With this submission was the remark, "Relearning mindfulness in order to heal from childhood sexual abuse." I like the advice here about survivors getting back in touch with their bodies. I know I was "out" of my body for a long time and being back in touch with it has been healing for me.
Patricia Singleton gives us a light and easy post, Calm from her blog, Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker. Patricia says, "Part of my journey means enjoying the breaks when they come along. All of life doesn't have to be hard." I'm so happy for you that you are experiencing this calm phase of refreshment, Patricia!
mile 191 gives us her thoughts on parenting from an assignment she did in a marriage and family course: Assignment from Hell: Her REGRET. It's from her blog, come into my closet, and she says, "For this article I chose the Healing category because I sense that I am HEALING finally, as I move out of my childhood and into parenting my own children in a more healthy environment and atmosphere. I feel that while I make mistakes that my children are very blessed. I am breaking the cycle...I am preventing child abuse by being the best Mother that I can be. From the mistakes of my own parents I am growing to become the kind of loving and tender parent that I always wanted. I know that I make mistakes and sometimes healing while being a parent is harder than the abuse itself...Being a parent and healing from a tragic childhood is one of the hardest things that any person could possibly take on." I so agree, Mile. But, we are doing it! Yeah!
IK shares about inner child self-soothing, attention and acceptance in, The Child Within from Issue Knitting. Thanks so much for joining us for this carnival, IK!
April_Optimist is always so positive in her posts, even when speaking about the "tough stuff." In Battening Down the Hatches posted at her blog, The Thriver's Toolbox, she gives us some great ideas for comforting, safety and self-care. As she says, "If we are abused, there will be times the past surfaces and we need to deal with it. This is a post about how to do so safely."
Hall monitor presents Teacher accused of forming 'secret society' to have sex with teen girls, posted at Detention Slip saying, "This teacher duped high school girls into sex. We need to stop people like this from entering our schools!" This article, unfortunately, didn't surprise me at all. My own pedophile father was a high school teacher. God only knows what tricks he employed to molest girls there. Raise awareness!
Tamir Birk from Informed Vote presents Nova Scotia Bishop Lahey’s Alleged Child Abuse. This article talks about the incomplete media coverage when it comes to Catholic priest pedophiles who also happen to be of very high rank and influence.
Poetry
Rick Belden was our first blogger to submit for the November carnival. Thanks, Rick! In his poem, child, posted at his blog, poetry, dreams, and the body, Rick presents us with the spiritual child, gifted child, curious, trusting and innocent child. This is moving; please read this poem. As Rick says, "My submission for the November carnival was written twenty years ago and then packed away in a box in my closet where it remained, forgotten, until I rediscovered it earlier this year." I'm so glad you found it and shared it with us!
Nancy Gray is back, this time with a poem: Kicking the Dog - A Poem from another one of her blogs, Scarecrow Child. When submitting, Nancy said, "Child abuse and neglect leave many scars as well as festering wounds on survivors. Art provides an opportunity to heal from some of the damage and its after effects...The Scarecrow Child Blog contains many of my attempts to work through my own trauma through various art forms."
Dan L Hays has a second submission. It's a poem called, Heartbeat from his blog, Thoughts Along The Road to Healing. When submitting, Dan remarked, "A poem about an abuse incident from my teenage years, the effects on my adult life, and the spiritual solution to overcoming it."
Buffalopine agreed to let me use her post, Dream Giver: The Healing, from her blog, Buffalopine's Blog, because it is truly beautiful and poetic. It is long, but it really reads like a poem. Thanks for sharing this with us, Buffalopine!
BeyondBeliefs presents Thomas T. Panto's - My Dear Perfection posted at Journey Of Life, saying, "This is what Living Things know about Life."
I was afraid that Mary had decided to no longer post to her blog, so I was so pleasantly surprised when I saw that she had created a new survivor poem for us! It's called To My Mother, and it's another very poignant and powerful poem written by Mary at her blog, Nippercat's Home.
Survivor Stories
Innocencestolen wrote part of her story, My Story, specifically for our blog carnival. Thanks, Innocencestolen! She posts at her blog, aptly named, Innocencestolen's Blog. Thanks for joining us!
Laurie Smith contacted me through Mike's Child Abuse Survivor Network. I'm happy to include her post, Chapter - 5 "In This Corner, Heavy Weight Champion....." from her blog, Not So Fond Memories,Growing up in an Abusive Home. Laurie remarks, "It is my hope that this blog will help to promote child abuse awareness. My blog is my story and I hope that as the chapters unfold, the readers of my blog will see that there is hope, there is light and healing can begin. I am living proof...Thank you to everyone who has ever had it in their heart to intervene and to help an abused child." Thank you for your courage in sharing, Laurie!
castorgirl is back to end our carnival with a post called, Friendship and safety posted at her blog, Scattered pieces. Castorgirl says, "This is a 'thank you' to online friends who accept and understand what it is like to be a survivor." Thank you for this lovely sentiment and for joining us for this carnival edition!
That's it for this edition. I know it is a lot to read with 35 posts. But, I'll keep it up here for a while. You don't have to read all the entries in one sitting, but I know how much all the contributors appreciate a supportive comment at their blog posts. So, get around to as many as you can, won't you? I'd like to thank everyone who submitted their courageous, thoughtful, insightful and helpful blog posts this month. As always, I am so proud of our survivor and supporter community! Thanks for visiting.
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, breaking the cycle, child abuse prevention, collage, healing, Poetry, survivor art, therapy
November 16, 2009
Take a Ride, Help a Child!
Update, 11/19/09: Happy World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. Whew! This is a HUGE carnival I'm organizing here, with over 35 posts! I will do my best to have the edition up and posted by early this afternoon. See ya then!
*****
Thursday (11/19) is World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. It's an annual, global awareness campaign, launched in 2000. Won't you help a child--help break the cycle--by raising awareness about child abuse at our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse? I'm hosting an edition here at my blog on Thursday--"World Day."
*****
Thursday (11/19) is World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. It's an annual, global awareness campaign, launched in 2000. Won't you help a child--help break the cycle--by raising awareness about child abuse at our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse? I'm hosting an edition here at my blog on Thursday--"World Day."
You can submit items from the news, poetry, survivor stories, posts about healing & therapy, advocacy & awareness, and abuse aftermath. Also starting this month, we have a *New* category: art therapy. If you love collage at Polyvore like I do, embed one of your collages into one of your blog posts and submit it for this new category. We will also take drawings, paintings...any kind of visual art, as long as it's part of a blog post and it was created for art therapy/healing purposes. In addition to these monthly categories, I'd like to see lots of posts this month that focus on prevention of child abuse, to celebrate "World Day."
The deadline is tomorrow, Tuesday, November 17, at midnight Pacific Time, U.S. Hurray! You can use this submission form here.
Tuesday, 11/17 Update: Thanks for the heads up on the Blog Carnival submission form link not working. I think it's working now. Thanks for your interest and support of our carnival. If you tried to submit before and couldn't, please try again! Appreciate your patience! ;)
Tuesday, 11/17 Update: Thanks for the heads up on the Blog Carnival submission form link not working. I think it's working now. Thanks for your interest and support of our carnival. If you tried to submit before and couldn't, please try again! Appreciate your patience! ;)
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, breaking the cycle, child abuse prevention, collage, community, survivor art, therapy
November 13, 2009
My Parts Are Alive...
...With The Sound of Triggers!
Quick request, bloggy buddies, for you to send up a quick prayer, healing thought, positive vibe, etc. My therapist has been rearranging my appointments lately (still doing the double-time every week) because her mother is in the hospital. While I certainly feel for her and know she has her own life, this couldn't have come at a worse time.
I've got these little child parts telling me about torture memories that occurred outside the "family" and I seem to have had some parts who held all the triggering noises for me. Guess what? They're all PTSD and flashback-like now. It seems I'm triggered by just about anything that sounds like it has a motor in it.
I'm doing all I can to comfort and calm without the support of my T while she's out of town, but it's just all I can do to keep it together right now. Yesterday, I heard some motor noise--truck, street sweeper, I don't know--and a scared voice came out of my mouth saying, "It's coming closer. Where is it? I have to see it so I know how close it's getting!" This was quickly followed by a tearful crumpling. I've been ultra sensitive to sounds and having flashbacks today as well. So, I've had my MediaPlayer on all day, playing the same soft garden sounds/music over and over to cover up noises and calm my shattered nerves.
I'm doing a lot of work right now, but it can sure be filled sometimes with trauma triggers and fear. Thanks, in advance, for those thoughts, prayers and vibes, all.
Quick request, bloggy buddies, for you to send up a quick prayer, healing thought, positive vibe, etc. My therapist has been rearranging my appointments lately (still doing the double-time every week) because her mother is in the hospital. While I certainly feel for her and know she has her own life, this couldn't have come at a worse time.
I've got these little child parts telling me about torture memories that occurred outside the "family" and I seem to have had some parts who held all the triggering noises for me. Guess what? They're all PTSD and flashback-like now. It seems I'm triggered by just about anything that sounds like it has a motor in it.
I'm doing all I can to comfort and calm without the support of my T while she's out of town, but it's just all I can do to keep it together right now. Yesterday, I heard some motor noise--truck, street sweeper, I don't know--and a scared voice came out of my mouth saying, "It's coming closer. Where is it? I have to see it so I know how close it's getting!" This was quickly followed by a tearful crumpling. I've been ultra sensitive to sounds and having flashbacks today as well. So, I've had my MediaPlayer on all day, playing the same soft garden sounds/music over and over to cover up noises and calm my shattered nerves.
I'm doing a lot of work right now, but it can sure be filled sometimes with trauma triggers and fear. Thanks, in advance, for those thoughts, prayers and vibes, all.
Labels: aftermath, alters, child abuse, comfort, dissociation, memory work, PTSD, therapy, torture, trauma, triggers
November 05, 2009
Therapy Marathon
Well, I'm back home and I feel like my intense therapy week last week went well. In addition to the 4 1/2 hours of therapy time, I was able to indulge in some pampering and self-care, as well as time to get some extra work done. I worked on a healing-related poem, I did a ton of reading and journaling, and I worked on some self-love affirmations. The affirmations exercise is one that my sister shared with me from the WIIT program. It's supposed to defuse negative brain-washing messages. (I may share some of that sometime later.)
In addition, this time focused on my healing gave me the push I needed to admit I needed something to help me sleep. I was starting to feel very run down from lack of sleep and poor sleep with nightmares, etc. So I went into the doctor and got a prescription for Trazadone. It's helping me a lot! I hope I won't have to be on it long, but I'm glad it's there for support when I need to be at least a notch above zombie level.
Now that I'm back, things are mixed, as life always is. Today I'm home with a sick kid (again!). But, I missed my son after being away for a five days and I'm glad to spend more time with him. When he's sick is about the only time that he really lets me snuggle him and love on him anymore. He acts like he's already 15 or something! LOL ;)
The biggest thing I'm excited about at this very moment is the fact that I rebooted my computer and ran some scans on it and then got Firefox working on it again. Hooray! It's the first time I've been able to use Firefox on my computer for about a month! So, I'm able to do this new blog post easily, and maybe I'll get around to some other blogs today.
I'm feeling a little anxious about my birthday this weekend. But, I've been very assertive and have asked for exactly what I want for my birthday. We're going to a brunch on Sunday, as a family, assuming we're all healthy. Then, in the evening, my husband got us the tickets I wanted for a live comedy show. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine sometimes.
My son provides some comic relief for me quite often. He's such a little card! I'm continuing some extra therapy right now. After a tough session yesterday afternoon, I picked him up from school with tears still in my eyes. It wasn't long, however, before he had me in stitches with some silly story he was telling in his animated way. I love him so much! I'm so glad that I was able to have a child and we've been able to keep him safe...and he knows how much he's loved.
As for my inner children, I'm continuing to do double therapy weeks until further notice. I'm on the verge of uncovering some issues that need to be processed from the two-year black hole I have always had in my childhood memories. I can remember so much from Kindergarten--and then again from third grade, but I virtually remember nothing about first grade and completely nothing about second grade. I can't even say I remember my teacher, what the classroom looked like or anything. Let alone what happened with me personally. So, I'm standing on a scary precipice. But, I just keep climbing. All you survivors out there: Let's just keep climbing!
In addition, this time focused on my healing gave me the push I needed to admit I needed something to help me sleep. I was starting to feel very run down from lack of sleep and poor sleep with nightmares, etc. So I went into the doctor and got a prescription for Trazadone. It's helping me a lot! I hope I won't have to be on it long, but I'm glad it's there for support when I need to be at least a notch above zombie level.
Now that I'm back, things are mixed, as life always is. Today I'm home with a sick kid (again!). But, I missed my son after being away for a five days and I'm glad to spend more time with him. When he's sick is about the only time that he really lets me snuggle him and love on him anymore. He acts like he's already 15 or something! LOL ;)
The biggest thing I'm excited about at this very moment is the fact that I rebooted my computer and ran some scans on it and then got Firefox working on it again. Hooray! It's the first time I've been able to use Firefox on my computer for about a month! So, I'm able to do this new blog post easily, and maybe I'll get around to some other blogs today.
I'm feeling a little anxious about my birthday this weekend. But, I've been very assertive and have asked for exactly what I want for my birthday. We're going to a brunch on Sunday, as a family, assuming we're all healthy. Then, in the evening, my husband got us the tickets I wanted for a live comedy show. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine sometimes.
My son provides some comic relief for me quite often. He's such a little card! I'm continuing some extra therapy right now. After a tough session yesterday afternoon, I picked him up from school with tears still in my eyes. It wasn't long, however, before he had me in stitches with some silly story he was telling in his animated way. I love him so much! I'm so glad that I was able to have a child and we've been able to keep him safe...and he knows how much he's loved.
As for my inner children, I'm continuing to do double therapy weeks until further notice. I'm on the verge of uncovering some issues that need to be processed from the two-year black hole I have always had in my childhood memories. I can remember so much from Kindergarten--and then again from third grade, but I virtually remember nothing about first grade and completely nothing about second grade. I can't even say I remember my teacher, what the classroom looked like or anything. Let alone what happened with me personally. So, I'm standing on a scary precipice. But, I just keep climbing. All you survivors out there: Let's just keep climbing!
Labels: birthdays, breaking the cycle, healing, inner child, medication, Poetry, self-care, self-love, therapy
October 23, 2009
A Little Business To Attend To
Update: 10/30/09: Lynda has the October edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse up at her blog, In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. She's done a wonderful job of organizing the entries. We were able to get several that were in the child abuse prevention and advocacy category; under that theme. Please go over and support these brave bloggers, won't you? I appreciate the survivor solidarity!
****
Starting Sunday night, I'm going to spend six days away from my noisy, always-begging-for-some-form-of-attention, house. I'm going to rest, process and write, as well as comfort and pamper myself a little bit.
Don't worry, I'll still be on top of things for next week's October edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. This month's host is Lynda at In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. Now, you don't have to know anything about child advocacy law to enter this carnival. We will still have our regular submission categories of: Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. In addition, Lynda has set a theme of advocacy (perfect fit, right?) for this edition. To be exact, Lynda says, "The theme is: Beginner's Guide to Saving a Child. We are seeking submissions on volunteer opportunities, ways to help work to end child abuse and organizations that focus their efforts on this important work." I've already submitted my post called, Take A Stand, Raise Your Hand. I'm actually getting my own post in before the day of the deadline for a change. Yay!
Speaking of which, the deadline is Wednesday, October 28th for the Friday 10/30 edition. (That's midnight Eastern time in the U.S.). You can submit your own post using this form here. Please make sure to tell your friends and get your own posts in while I'm gone, okay? Thanks, everyone, for your continued support and contributions to this carnival. Together, we can make a difference and raise awareness about child abuse!
****
Starting Sunday night, I'm going to spend six days away from my noisy, always-begging-for-some-form-of-attention, house. I'm going to rest, process and write, as well as comfort and pamper myself a little bit.
Don't worry, I'll still be on top of things for next week's October edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. This month's host is Lynda at In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. Now, you don't have to know anything about child advocacy law to enter this carnival. We will still have our regular submission categories of: Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. In addition, Lynda has set a theme of advocacy (perfect fit, right?) for this edition. To be exact, Lynda says, "The theme is: Beginner's Guide to Saving a Child. We are seeking submissions on volunteer opportunities, ways to help work to end child abuse and organizations that focus their efforts on this important work." I've already submitted my post called, Take A Stand, Raise Your Hand. I'm actually getting my own post in before the day of the deadline for a change. Yay!
Speaking of which, the deadline is Wednesday, October 28th for the Friday 10/30 edition. (That's midnight Eastern time in the U.S.). You can submit your own post using this form here. Please make sure to tell your friends and get your own posts in while I'm gone, okay? Thanks, everyone, for your continued support and contributions to this carnival. Together, we can make a difference and raise awareness about child abuse!
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, breaking the cycle, community, Poetry, survivors, The Show of Hands art project
October 15, 2009
Frozen in Mid-Step; What Now?
I Don't Know Who I Am by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
So, I'm feeling frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed in the therapy department. The healing journey is, once again, feeling like an attempt to reach the Mt. Everest summit. Right now, I feel like I've hit a raging blizzard and I'm clawing the jagged rocks, trying not to slip back down, negating a thousand feet of hard-won ascent progress. To be honest, I feel like I need to set up camp and hunker down in my tent while I wait for the storm to pass.
Unfortunately, recovery from a trauma-induced dissociative disorder doesn't work that way. When the storm hits is when I have to muster up the strength and courage to work even harder and keep on climbing, even if it feels like I'm barely putting one foot in front of the other and I can't see where I'm going.
What prompted this, you ask? Well, I've been talking to my twin sister a lot lately about the progress she made at the WIIT program --The Women's Institute For Incorporation Therapy--in Florida. It's a one-of-a-kind treatment facility that practices incorporation therapy for dissociative trauma survivors. The more I talked with her, the more I wanted to try to attend this program myself. I feel like it could help me progress light years faster than the progress I'm making in individual therapy right now.
Let me give you some background detail that may explain why I got so excited about this idea. You see, I've been working a lot lately with parts that I used to call the "punisher parts" in the beginning. In the last year, it's really become apparent to me that these self-harming parts work overtime to maintain the abuse secret.
Here's the scenario I often get, but have just become aware of and started to understand: A young part starts to feel some feelings (not allowed!) of sadness, abandonment, fear, etc. Then a part I like to call a "firefighter" type comes out and jumps through all kinds of crazy hoops trying to shut off/down the feelings. This could include running away in dissociative fugues, getting suicidal, getting drunk, over-spending, etc. etc. Then, one of these protector (punisher) parts comes out and says, "You're getting out of hand. You're drawing too much attention to yourself. You are acting crazy. You're going to blow it. People will find out the secret." So then there's usually some self-injury type behavior. The problem with this is that it brings about huge feelings of shame and guilt, which threatens to start the whole feelings--avoiding feelings spiral all over again. So, I have a part named Serena who takes over and shuts the whole body down. I don't move, I don't talk, I don't do anything.
I'm trying to break this cycle of dissociative dysfunction. I have found--yeah, my therapist was right--that most of these self-destructive parts are really trying to be protective. They think that, if the secret gets out, I am going to be killed. I have found (as scary as they are, at first, to approach) that they are often quite cooperative once we get a dialogue going, get a contract not to self-harm "signed," and then I find them some more appropriate job to do that makes them still feel useful. I have a part named Sentry, for example, who does NOT get to be inappropriate and in people's faces anymore, but he gets the job of always being alert and aware of my surroundings whenever I'm getting out of my car and it's dark outside.
Sounds great, right? Well the difficulty I'm having now is that I've got a few of these protector (punisher) parts "standing down" with contracts and/or new jobs and now all hell is breaking loose with lots of previously-exiled little parts wanting to tell me their part of the story. They're all clamoring to be heard. They have sadness, fear, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, etc. issues to express and abuse memories they have been holding and are now ready to hand off to me. I told my therapist I feel like there's a long line of them stretched out in the dark, waiting to come into the light and be healed. This is great healing/therapy news and sign of progress. But, you can only imagine how overwhelming it is. It's gotten so bad that I'm back to a lot of PTSD symptoms like huge startle response and triggers that are sending me into full-blown flashbacks again. These are symptoms that I've had under control for a few years. So, you can understand why I fear I'm already starting to backslide.
I really thought that the WIIT program would be a great place to process all this in some kind of timely manner with lots of support and without the distractions of my special needs son, my husband, house cleaning, cooking, blah blah blah, etc. Well, I finally got hold of a real, live person at WIIT on the phone yesterday. I was hoping, since I am private pay (no mental health coverage for this pre-existing condition; we pay cash), I would be able to customize my own treatment plan there. Nope. This intake person I talked to wasn't budging. She told me that out-of-state patients are required to spend a minimum of one week inpatient at this facility and then two weeks of intensive outpatient. The alternative is to stay two whole weeks inpatient. She quoted me a price for this that was a small fortune. It was enough to pay for a new car, as a matter of fact!
So, the long and the short of it is that I'm not going. Crap! I might try to stay in a hotel for several days and see my therapist for several hours for a week and see how much we're able to accomplish that way. I don't know. I'll keep you all posted. Pray for a miracle??
Labels: dissociation, journey, overwhelm, parts, PTSD, self-injury, therapy, trauma, triggers
October 02, 2009
You Are Beautiful. Yes You!
If you couldn't tell, I'm really enjoying my experience and the community over at Polyvore. I discover new things there all the time (at least when my computer is cooperating). The other day I stumbled onto something that reminded me that I--we all--need this reminder: We are beautiful! I think it is so easy for survivors to think that they are ugly. Especially if we are in therapy or doing memory work, we have to stare ugly in the face. But, we are beautiful. Let's remember that.
I'm posting this collage, aka "set" of Chloe's, which is the reminder for me that started it all. Turns out, she was inspired by a campaign called Operation Beautiful. Through this campaign, people are leaving reminders--posty notes--all over the world to spread the "you are beautiful" love. Cool, huh? You can go to the Operation Beautiful website and get instructions on how to get involved and find out how to have your own posted note...er posted! ;)
And as a final reminder of your beauty, I will leave a copy of my poem, "Your Beauty" below for your reading enjoyment. Have a beautiful day!
Your Beauty
I'm posting this collage, aka "set" of Chloe's, which is the reminder for me that started it all. Turns out, she was inspired by a campaign called Operation Beautiful. Through this campaign, people are leaving reminders--posty notes--all over the world to spread the "you are beautiful" love. Cool, huh? You can go to the Operation Beautiful website and get instructions on how to get involved and find out how to have your own posted note...er posted! ;)
And as a final reminder of your beauty, I will leave a copy of my poem, "Your Beauty" below for your reading enjoyment. Have a beautiful day!
Your Beauty
I see the beauty you can’t see
You’re unaware of what it does for me
It’s the light shining in your eyes
Lifting me up to brighter skies
Still you walk around
And you hang your head
Sometimes wishing
You were dead
But if you could see
What I see in you
There’d be nothing, love,
That you could not do.
Labels: awareness, beauty, community, healing, inspiration, poem, Poetry, self-esteem, therapy
September 23, 2009
Can You Fathom A Family?
Update: This post was written as a submission to this month's Family-Themed Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. It is up now over at Paul's blog, Mind Parts. If you haven't already visited, please do. And won't you please leave supportive comments for these brave bloggers participating? Thanks!
***
Whenever I speak of my "family" of origin, that's what I do: I put the word family in quotation marks. I don't consider myself as a person who had a family growing up.
Whenever there was some strife or "upset" at a holiday gathering or the "family" dinner table (which inevitably there almost always was), my mother liked to lament, "Can't we just be a family?" So surprised you have the nerve to even ask that question, dear old mom. But it's a good one. I don't know. Can we be a family? What makes for a family anyway?
What Is a Family? by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
Let's see. Do you make a family by getting Grandma to buy frilly, fancy clothes for your children and then parading them around to the homes of relatives to sit still and proper, with their mouths shut and their hands folded in their laps? Hhmmmm...I think that's called "keeping up appearances." No, that doesn't quite seem to be enough to cut it to me.
Maybe you make a strong family by neglecting to get proper medical treatment for your children when they are deathly ill or have been severely injured. Nope. Don't think that's it, either. How 'bout calling your child "bad, dirty and evil" after you allow their father to have sex with them? Nah! Don't think so. Prostituting your daughters out to other men? That definitely doesn't work. I know! Claiming a child as a dependent on your taxes after they've been working to earn their own money since they were 11 years old and completely on their own (so they can't file their own income tax)! No, that doesn't define a family either.
Do I sound angry? I hope so! You may have noticed--if you've been reading my blog for a while--that I was able to sneak in a new detail there that is quite heinous. It's something I've been working my butt off on in therapy lately. I'm quite motivated to resolve this hideous, new area of retrieved memories so that maybe, some day, I can relax during the fall months and not freak out in dissociative dysfunction every year. Yeah, I deserve to feel my feelings of anger. I never deserved to be treated this way as a helpless, innocent child.
Do I sound sad? Probably so. I am doing a lot of necessary grieving. I certainly grieve over the childhood and the family I never had.
But, I am also happy and rather proud that I have the chance--and I am taking it--to break the multi-generational cycle of abuse. I can end the legacy I was born into. I've been able to create my own family with my husband and my beloved son.
I am not like my own parents who, at best, saw children as a bother and a burden. I can remember it like it was, literally, yesterday: The day I brought my tiny bundle of joy home from the hospital was one of the happiest days of my life. I don't remember being any more elated on any day before or since that time. It was a time of pure joy that I was able to claim because of my commitment to break the cycle of child abuse.
Has it been easy--trying to fathom a family and forming one--with no positive role models of my own to follow? No, it hasn't been easy. I would be lying to you if I said it was. All three of the members of this family are in therapy. I don't think there's any other way, when the person in the mother role has a severe dissociative disorder.
But, we are facing our issues and challenges, not just keeping up appearances. We love each other and we strive every day to show it and to keep our family communication open. My son will be 13 on his next birthday. But, he still asks me for hugs. The insightful bugger even said to me, just the other day: "You've made great progress on your disability. I'm proud of you, Mom." My heart swells. Yes, we are a family. I get to say that because of the commitment I made even before my child was conceived. We get to claim that because of the love we share, the words we use, and the action we take to be a family.
***
Whenever I speak of my "family" of origin, that's what I do: I put the word family in quotation marks. I don't consider myself as a person who had a family growing up.
Whenever there was some strife or "upset" at a holiday gathering or the "family" dinner table (which inevitably there almost always was), my mother liked to lament, "Can't we just be a family?" So surprised you have the nerve to even ask that question, dear old mom. But it's a good one. I don't know. Can we be a family? What makes for a family anyway?
What Is a Family? by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
Let's see. Do you make a family by getting Grandma to buy frilly, fancy clothes for your children and then parading them around to the homes of relatives to sit still and proper, with their mouths shut and their hands folded in their laps? Hhmmmm...I think that's called "keeping up appearances." No, that doesn't quite seem to be enough to cut it to me.
Maybe you make a strong family by neglecting to get proper medical treatment for your children when they are deathly ill or have been severely injured. Nope. Don't think that's it, either. How 'bout calling your child "bad, dirty and evil" after you allow their father to have sex with them? Nah! Don't think so. Prostituting your daughters out to other men? That definitely doesn't work. I know! Claiming a child as a dependent on your taxes after they've been working to earn their own money since they were 11 years old and completely on their own (so they can't file their own income tax)! No, that doesn't define a family either.
Do I sound angry? I hope so! You may have noticed--if you've been reading my blog for a while--that I was able to sneak in a new detail there that is quite heinous. It's something I've been working my butt off on in therapy lately. I'm quite motivated to resolve this hideous, new area of retrieved memories so that maybe, some day, I can relax during the fall months and not freak out in dissociative dysfunction every year. Yeah, I deserve to feel my feelings of anger. I never deserved to be treated this way as a helpless, innocent child.
Do I sound sad? Probably so. I am doing a lot of necessary grieving. I certainly grieve over the childhood and the family I never had.
But, I am also happy and rather proud that I have the chance--and I am taking it--to break the multi-generational cycle of abuse. I can end the legacy I was born into. I've been able to create my own family with my husband and my beloved son.
I am not like my own parents who, at best, saw children as a bother and a burden. I can remember it like it was, literally, yesterday: The day I brought my tiny bundle of joy home from the hospital was one of the happiest days of my life. I don't remember being any more elated on any day before or since that time. It was a time of pure joy that I was able to claim because of my commitment to break the cycle of child abuse.
Has it been easy--trying to fathom a family and forming one--with no positive role models of my own to follow? No, it hasn't been easy. I would be lying to you if I said it was. All three of the members of this family are in therapy. I don't think there's any other way, when the person in the mother role has a severe dissociative disorder.
But, we are facing our issues and challenges, not just keeping up appearances. We love each other and we strive every day to show it and to keep our family communication open. My son will be 13 on his next birthday. But, he still asks me for hugs. The insightful bugger even said to me, just the other day: "You've made great progress on your disability. I'm proud of you, Mom." My heart swells. Yes, we are a family. I get to say that because of the commitment I made even before my child was conceived. We get to claim that because of the love we share, the words we use, and the action we take to be a family.
Labels: aftermath, anger, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, breaking the cycle, child abuse, dissociation, family of origin, grieving, memory work, therapy
September 17, 2009
Emotional & Technical Difficulties: Please Stand By
My computer is giving me fits again. Firefox is not working on it. I've got Internet Explorer working intermittently, but it...is...so...s-l-o-w! I've tried to just go down my links list and visit everybody, in case I can't do that for a while.
I'm really bummed about Polyvore, as that has been one of my life lines lately. With my slow connection, I haven't done as much over there for a while. The other day, I was trying to build a collage and parts of the page (the ones with the necessary buttons, for crying out loud) kept disappearing. Aarrgghhh!
I'm also reeling from this Fall Memory Maze I'm trying to navigate. The other day, I woke up so afraid, I couldn't get out of bed. It was so bad, I couldn't get any comfort going at all. It was all I could do to jump out quickly and grab the phone to call my husband. I asked him to come home and stay with me a while. The wonderful angel did! He brought me tea and sat on the edge of the bed for a while. I think I had a brief glimpse of what agoraphobics must go through. I told my husband, "I know it doesn't make any sense, but I feel like there are mean people out there (outside) who want to hurt me." He stayed with me while. I finally got dressed and my hubby stood there while I watered a few flowers. The fear eventually died down.
Barbed by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
This collage represents how I've been feeling often lately. Scattered, afraid...on the verge of becoming unraveled and completely hysterical. I'm doing extra therapy this week. I think I'm very close to something new and really big in the Autumn Memory Department.
Don't forget, everybody: The next Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will be over at Paul's blog, Mind Parts. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, September 23rd. He's only got a handful of submissions so far, so let's get those in! Here's the submission form. Would you please go around to blogs and remind each other? I may not be able to do it as I'd like with my computer woes. Thanks!
I'm really bummed about Polyvore, as that has been one of my life lines lately. With my slow connection, I haven't done as much over there for a while. The other day, I was trying to build a collage and parts of the page (the ones with the necessary buttons, for crying out loud) kept disappearing. Aarrgghhh!
I'm also reeling from this Fall Memory Maze I'm trying to navigate. The other day, I woke up so afraid, I couldn't get out of bed. It was so bad, I couldn't get any comfort going at all. It was all I could do to jump out quickly and grab the phone to call my husband. I asked him to come home and stay with me a while. The wonderful angel did! He brought me tea and sat on the edge of the bed for a while. I think I had a brief glimpse of what agoraphobics must go through. I told my husband, "I know it doesn't make any sense, but I feel like there are mean people out there (outside) who want to hurt me." He stayed with me while. I finally got dressed and my hubby stood there while I watered a few flowers. The fear eventually died down.
Barbed by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
This collage represents how I've been feeling often lately. Scattered, afraid...on the verge of becoming unraveled and completely hysterical. I'm doing extra therapy this week. I think I'm very close to something new and really big in the Autumn Memory Department.
Don't forget, everybody: The next Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will be over at Paul's blog, Mind Parts. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, September 23rd. He's only got a handful of submissions so far, so let's get those in! Here's the submission form. Would you please go around to blogs and remind each other? I may not be able to do it as I'd like with my computer woes. Thanks!
Labels: aftermath, alters, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, broken, collage, feelings, freeze response, memory work, therapy
September 04, 2009
My Life Lines: A Pencil & A Rake
Therapy and feelings work have been intense, but I've also had some productivity in other areas lately. Although I'm coming to terms with the fact that my huge backyard landscaping project will go to the three-year production plan, I'm happy with the results. My backyard is truly turning into a sanctuary--and I need one of those! One of these days I'll get some photos up. I even have some "before-and-after" photos I can share if I can figure out how to post them here.
For now, I'll leave you with some pix from Polyvore. I've been very active over there making collages, and I even know how to embed their code to make the collage show up here. Hooray for little ol' cyber klutz me! ;)
I just mentioned to my hubby this morning that I really hope that this will be one of the last years in my life that I have to deal with so much anguish in the late summer and fall months. Hell, for the last several years, the m.o. has been: Get really triggered and freaked out in August (with firefighter parts coming out, wreaking havoc, getting suicidal and running away); try to cope and do mega therapy in September and October (stay out of the hospital and squeeze in some time with hubby for his October birthday); then brace myself after that for the onslaught of the dreaded holidays.
It would be really nice not to have almost half of my life on hold during these difficult months. For one thing, this is harvest time. I like to harvest and dry my herbs and then cook up big pots of soup and ratatouille to freeze for the winter. I also have loads of work to finish up in the backyard project before the gardening season is over. Then there are the fall colors of Autumn I love so much. So, this would be a nice time of year to be present for and enjoy.
Another thing I'd like to have some assurance for is my botanical illustration courses. I've only got two classes under my belt so far. I took them in the spring. But, I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to getting my certificate in botanical illustration before too long. The classes are expensive, though, and I want to make sure that I can make it to them--not miss any for any freak-out reasons. So, I'm hesitating taking some that are in the fall catalog. Oh well. We'll see.
One thing we do have set up already--Yay us!--is the next two hosts for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. September will be hosted by Paul at Mind Parts and October will be taken care of by Lynda at Child Advocacy Law. So, we'll have some continuity there.
I'll leave this post up for a little bit. My computer is giving me fits again. I'll try to get around to your blogs and comment, at least, though.
Dream Job: Botanical Illustrator by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
The Healing Garden by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
For now, I'll leave you with some pix from Polyvore. I've been very active over there making collages, and I even know how to embed their code to make the collage show up here. Hooray for little ol' cyber klutz me! ;)
I just mentioned to my hubby this morning that I really hope that this will be one of the last years in my life that I have to deal with so much anguish in the late summer and fall months. Hell, for the last several years, the m.o. has been: Get really triggered and freaked out in August (with firefighter parts coming out, wreaking havoc, getting suicidal and running away); try to cope and do mega therapy in September and October (stay out of the hospital and squeeze in some time with hubby for his October birthday); then brace myself after that for the onslaught of the dreaded holidays.
It would be really nice not to have almost half of my life on hold during these difficult months. For one thing, this is harvest time. I like to harvest and dry my herbs and then cook up big pots of soup and ratatouille to freeze for the winter. I also have loads of work to finish up in the backyard project before the gardening season is over. Then there are the fall colors of Autumn I love so much. So, this would be a nice time of year to be present for and enjoy.
Another thing I'd like to have some assurance for is my botanical illustration courses. I've only got two classes under my belt so far. I took them in the spring. But, I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to getting my certificate in botanical illustration before too long. The classes are expensive, though, and I want to make sure that I can make it to them--not miss any for any freak-out reasons. So, I'm hesitating taking some that are in the fall catalog. Oh well. We'll see.
One thing we do have set up already--Yay us!--is the next two hosts for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. September will be hosted by Paul at Mind Parts and October will be taken care of by Lynda at Child Advocacy Law. So, we'll have some continuity there.
I'll leave this post up for a little bit. My computer is giving me fits again. I'll try to get around to your blogs and comment, at least, though.
Dream Job: Botanical Illustrator by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
The Healing Garden by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
Labels: aftermath, alters, anniversary, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, collage, holidays, landscaping, therapy
August 25, 2009
Beauty for the Dark Journey
As I said in my "August Angst" post below, my plans with my therapist were to deal with the back-to-school trauma memories head on. I've been successful at doing this and have been able to avoid any really big firefighter dissociative episodes, hospital stays or running away in dissociative fugues. But, it has been a dark, ugly journey into the painful abyss.
Some of my pampering and comforting rituals have not been working lately. I had to cancel a massage appointment last week because I just couldn't bare the thoughts of anybody touching me.
What has worked, however, is I've been clinging to beauty. Visits to the Denver Botanic Garden, growing things in my own garden, sitting in my backyard sanctuary and listening to a soothing CD called "Peaceful Garden" have all helped when the emotions that have surfaced from memory processing have left me ragged and raw.
I've also been quite productive over at Polyvore with art therapy collages. Here's the one that prompted this update post.
Beauty For The Dark Journey by Marj aka Thriver on
When I couldn't muster up the courage to visit my massage therapist last week, I decided to go "inside" and see what the fear was about and who was upset. I made the "mistake" of saying, "If I don't know who you are and where you are, I can't come and rescue you and help you feel better..." something like that. I immediately heard this little voice in my head cry out, "But, I don't know where I am!" Oh, Lordy!
I was in a panic as to how I would do my little visualization rescue technique with my therapist the next day, if I didn't have a firm "place" to go and rescue this little inner child part of myself. It's been fairly easy up to now as I just visualize returning to the house I lived in for the first 10 years of my life. But, recently, I've been retrieving ghastly memories of abuse that took place away from the "home."
I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I calmed every body down as best as I could and tried to reason that my therapy session was just a day away and I could wait. In the meantime, art therapy at Polyvore came through for me again. I created this collage as a visual representation of my commitment to find this little lost part.
I Will Find You by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
As it turned out, the horrifying memory I'd been dreading was of abuse that took place at the school where my father taught for years. I was in the shower area of a locker room with no windows. It was very dark in there and that's why this part wasn't sure, at first, where she was.
I won't go into the gory details, but I believe there were some drugs involved in my abuse at this time. When I awoke in the dark, I was disoriented and thought for a moment that maybe I was dead. When I realized that I wasn't--I was very much alive--I was devastated. Maybe this was the first time in my life that I became suicidal, I don't know. But, what I do know is that my parents did, indeed, thoroughly break me. I hadn't been able to admit this to myself up to this point. I had thought I was stronger than that.
This realization is devastating for me. But, again, it opens up the channels of grief. And feeling the feelings is, as always, the key to my healing. So, I'm doing a lot of that. And, at the same time, I'm clinging to any comfort and beauty I can find. Right now, as a matter of fact, I'm listening to a track on my "Peaceful Garden" CD called "Tranquility." I have to have some beauty and tranquility to hold on to as I face my brokenness.
Some of my pampering and comforting rituals have not been working lately. I had to cancel a massage appointment last week because I just couldn't bare the thoughts of anybody touching me.
What has worked, however, is I've been clinging to beauty. Visits to the Denver Botanic Garden, growing things in my own garden, sitting in my backyard sanctuary and listening to a soothing CD called "Peaceful Garden" have all helped when the emotions that have surfaced from memory processing have left me ragged and raw.
I've also been quite productive over at Polyvore with art therapy collages. Here's the one that prompted this update post.
Beauty For The Dark Journey by Marj aka Thriver on
When I couldn't muster up the courage to visit my massage therapist last week, I decided to go "inside" and see what the fear was about and who was upset. I made the "mistake" of saying, "If I don't know who you are and where you are, I can't come and rescue you and help you feel better..." something like that. I immediately heard this little voice in my head cry out, "But, I don't know where I am!" Oh, Lordy!
I was in a panic as to how I would do my little visualization rescue technique with my therapist the next day, if I didn't have a firm "place" to go and rescue this little inner child part of myself. It's been fairly easy up to now as I just visualize returning to the house I lived in for the first 10 years of my life. But, recently, I've been retrieving ghastly memories of abuse that took place away from the "home."
I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I calmed every body down as best as I could and tried to reason that my therapy session was just a day away and I could wait. In the meantime, art therapy at Polyvore came through for me again. I created this collage as a visual representation of my commitment to find this little lost part.
I Will Find You by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
As it turned out, the horrifying memory I'd been dreading was of abuse that took place at the school where my father taught for years. I was in the shower area of a locker room with no windows. It was very dark in there and that's why this part wasn't sure, at first, where she was.
I won't go into the gory details, but I believe there were some drugs involved in my abuse at this time. When I awoke in the dark, I was disoriented and thought for a moment that maybe I was dead. When I realized that I wasn't--I was very much alive--I was devastated. Maybe this was the first time in my life that I became suicidal, I don't know. But, what I do know is that my parents did, indeed, thoroughly break me. I hadn't been able to admit this to myself up to this point. I had thought I was stronger than that.
This realization is devastating for me. But, again, it opens up the channels of grief. And feeling the feelings is, as always, the key to my healing. So, I'm doing a lot of that. And, at the same time, I'm clinging to any comfort and beauty I can find. Right now, as a matter of fact, I'm listening to a track on my "Peaceful Garden" CD called "Tranquility." I have to have some beauty and tranquility to hold on to as I face my brokenness.
Labels: aftermath, beauty, broken, child abuse, comfort, denial, dissociation, feelings, grieving, memory work, therapy
August 14, 2009
Back-to-School Blog Carnival
Friday Update: Enola has done a great job; the carnival edition is up. Please visit the linked posts and leave supportive comments, won't you? Thanks for supporting our carnival.
Our dear friend, Enola has graciously agreed to host The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for the second time. Yay, Enola! She has decided on a back-to-school theme, as it seems I'm not the only one who struggles during this summer-into-fall transition time. Of course, you are not limited to the theme of this month's carnival. You can always submit under our regular categories of: Survivor Stories, Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy and Poetry. But, I like the way Enola explains this theme and also explains, in general, what a blog carnival is and what ours is about. That's outlined nicely in her announcement post here.
Submissions are due to Enola by midnight (that's in the US) Tuesday, August 18 (hey, that's the day my son goes back to school!) and we'll have the edition post on Friday, August 21. You can use this handy-dandy submission form. Join us, won't you?
Our dear friend, Enola has graciously agreed to host The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for the second time. Yay, Enola! She has decided on a back-to-school theme, as it seems I'm not the only one who struggles during this summer-into-fall transition time. Of course, you are not limited to the theme of this month's carnival. You can always submit under our regular categories of: Survivor Stories, Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy and Poetry. But, I like the way Enola explains this theme and also explains, in general, what a blog carnival is and what ours is about. That's outlined nicely in her announcement post here.
Submissions are due to Enola by midnight (that's in the US) Tuesday, August 18 (hey, that's the day my son goes back to school!) and we'll have the edition post on Friday, August 21. You can use this handy-dandy submission form. Join us, won't you?
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, Poetry, therapy
