June 24, 2008



Well, I'm about to leave for a trip on my own. I'm doing a little girls-only retreat in hopes of revitalizing my weary old self. I'm going to be gone for a week.

At my last therapy appointment, I talked to my therapist about the positive changes I've been seeing lately. I think this is a good time for me to take some time off and focus on self-care.

Self-care is one of the things I've seen positive change in lately. I'm much more committed to this topic now. I don't know if it's getting in touch with my parts--and having such a strong desire to soothe and comfort them--or what it is exactly, but I'm much better at taking care of myself than I used to be.

I read a post of JIP's--Jumping In Puddles--that talked about how excruciating it can be to get in touch with those feelings that we dissociatives have been cut off from for so long. I also used to be entirely cut off from my body. I never listened to any of my body's messages. About five or six years ago, my therapist at the time used to ask me during a session, "And how does that feel in your body?" I'd just stare at him blankly. "Body? What body?"

Now, I actually enjoy some of the self-care, comfort and nurturing I afford myself. I still don't do well in the shower on a consistent basis, because of the extreme abuse that happened in that space, but I do enjoy pedicures, heated neck pillows, scented lotion, candles and girlie things like that. I've gotten into the habit of looking at myself(ves) in the mirror when I'm in the bathroom indulging in a sensory treat like this and saying, "We're worth it and we deserve it!"

This is a huge accomplishment and far cry from the mirror beating I used to take at my own hands. I wish I could erase all those times I looked at my reflection in the glass and said to myself(ves) with disdain, "You are so ugly. I hate you."


Huh. Well, then. I can't remember what I wrote after the above paragraph that I lost into the black hole of cyber space! My electricity went out for about an hour. Hhmmmm....gave me a chance to use some of those scented candles.

When I get back from my trip I will continue this post, which goes along with me starting up my gratitude journal again. Maybe I'll supply a handy, bulleted list for your reading enjoyment. See you all when I'm refreshed, restored, renewed...and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed! Hugs!

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June 10, 2008


Therapy for Everybody!

Well dang! I'm noticing that it's Tuesday already and I'm not quite getting that "aaahh, that's better" feeling; catching up on things with my son at his computer day camp this week. This morning, I felt quite stressed out, as a matter of fact. Seems I'm running from appointment to appointment and there isn't any big chunk of time in between for all that catching up on things I wanted to do.

Do you know? I'm in therapy...my son is in therapy...we're going to family therapy to work on communicating about our challenges and issues better....and even the dog is in therapy! Can you believe it? Seems like a little overkill doesn't it?

Well, I had to do something. We were reaching critical meltdown at the end of the school year: It seemed like every week I was getting a negative call from one of the teachers at my son's school; and my son and husband were yelling at each other; and I had to pull my dog off of some poor, unsuspecting walking dog on the bike path next to our house! Aaaaccckkkk! It was out of control!

It appears that trauma has even leaked over into the canine world around here. The pattern that I've picked up on is that my dog gets all stressed out, then aggressive with other female dogs.

See, there's this dog in the neighborhood that I've had problems with (well, her owner, actually). I've had several conversations with this dog's owner, to no avail. This other dog is also a female and is allowed to roam freely around the neighborhood. I'm surprised she hasn't been hit by a car by now. She also has a very territorial, "I'm-the-alpha-female-around-here" attitude. Unless I'm diligent and keep them apart, this other female nails my dog every time they come in contact with each other. There's never been any blood drawn or physical injuries. But, the trainer I'm taking my dog to now says she definitely thinks this other dog has traumatized my dog. Oh, goody!

Anyway, I took my dog, Lyla, to the trainer at 10:00 this morning. That made somewhere I had to be at 8:00, 9:00 and then 10:00 just so far today. Whew! I need a vacation!

In fact, I'm going to do that at the end of this month. I'm also thinking about just letting the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse go on Summer hiatus until the fall. Then, I've got some bloggy book tours I've promised to do. I'm hoping we can weave them into the blog carnival in some way. While we're taking a break, can I get some of you to sign up for monthly hosting slots in the fall? Start thinking about it, okay? Then, just leave a comment or e-mail me.

So, I called the doctor I've been working with on my TOC for my arm/shoulder and I cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. An appointment I can't cancel is with my T on Thursday. Yippy, skippy, oh boy! That surgery I had for the skin cancer has, apparently, dredged up an old torture/abuse memory that I need to work on. Maybe after that, I just might take a dissociative therapy hiatus as well.

What I'm really enjoying working on right now is a project I have in my yard. I'm doing all the design and landscaping work myself. I should have taken "before" pictures, because it's really amazing the changes that are occurring out there. We live in fairly new construction and all that was in my backyard was mulch before. There's a huge slope to my backyard, so all the wood chips have washed down to the fence at the edge of the yard--that left weeds and dirt! Lovely! So, now I'm building an enormous rock garden instead of a retaining wall, to keep everything from migrating down the slope. And I'm putting in a flagstone path with "stepable," ground-cover plants in between instead of a lawn I have to water and mow.

If I can figure out how to do it, I may post some photos of my project. I gotta say, I sure like this sort of work better than therapy!

Okay, so there's an updated blog post. And, I promise I will get around to some blogs this week. I will try my best to also catch up on some of the requests I've gotten in bloggy land. I also hope to do some house cleaning on my template. You know, links and stuff. BTW, does anybody know how to compress the archives for old blog posts? That sidebar list is getting a bit long, wouldn't you agree? Please don't anybody take it personally that I'm so far behind in cyber land. As you can see, there are many areas I need to catch up on, in addition to commenting at other blogs. I'm also behind on everything here at home. I've GOT to get to the grocery store and I estimate I have seven or eight loads of laundry to do. Loads number one and two are working in the washer and dryer as I blog now.

But, the Blog Carnival is on hold for a few months. I hope we can all live with that. Something's just gotta give, ya know? And I'm not willing for it to be my physical or emotional health.

See y'all around the blogosphere!

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June 02, 2008


Yes, It's Another Update!

Hi, everybody! Thanks so much for all your thoughts, prayers, good vibes, healing energy and warm fuzziness about my skin cancer and Mohs surgery. I'm gonna give you a quick update here. I had the surgery last Wednesday. It took two Lorazepams to get my parts through it, but it went very well. They were able to get all the cancer in just one layer of the Mohs procedure! Yeah! I was out of there in under four hours.

Because there is not much skin or fat in the area between the corner of my eye and my nose, they had to do a little skin grafting kind of thing. So, the area involved was bigger than I had anticipated, but it seems to be healing up quite well. At first, I looked like a prize fighter, with a black eye that was almost swollen shut. But, now the swelling has really gone down and I get the stitches out on Wednesday. So, I'd say it's all going very well!

The surgery did not involve the tear duct either, so I really appreciate the prayers in that regard. After I get the stitches out on Wednesday, that should be the end of it. *crosses fingers* Boy, I sure am a lot better about putting on my daily sunscreen after all this. That's for sure. You all remember your sun screen as well, won't you?

Thanks, again, for everything peeps! As usual, you all ROCK! I've been thinking about starting up my daily gratitude journal again. This whole experience and the outpouring of love involved I think will need to go right at the top of the list! ((((((((((safe hugs to all))))))))))) xoxoxxo! :)

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