March 12, 2008
Begin Again Each Day: Be The Light!
This is my story. I'm posting it for the March edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. With Spring just around the corner, we now share our stories of new beginnings. This story emphasizes the fact that, no matter what challenges I face with my own offspring, each day I commit to start anew. Each day is another opportunity to be a light in the darkness and give the gift of unconditional love to my beloved child.
I'm also learning to give this gift to myself. And each time I do, a little more light comes forth!
The Little Marji Story
Little Marji was a beautiful, shining soul. She was not conceived in love, nor did she come into a loving home. Yet, she came from love and this gave her soul light. You could see it shining from her big, bright eyes. You could feel it with each dimpled smile.
For a while, Marji intuitively held on to the knowledge that she came from love, and this made her feel connected and warm. It fueled the light behind her eyes and her beautiful smile. But, she was very observant as well. And she couldn’t understand why, with so much love and light stored in everyone’s soul, the people who were supposed to care for her didn’t seem to want to spread their light around, or even let it show. This made Marji very confused and sad.
Fortunately, Marji’s soul did not come into this life alone. She had her twin sister, DiDi, as a constant soul mate. These two little souls, who were joined in love in the womb, loved to sing and laugh and hug and hold hands—sharing their light and their love in a warm, happy way. Sometimes they were discouraged, and even punished for doing this.
Soon discouragement was the very least of it. Terror, hate and pain ruled the household. It got very dark and Marji got very scared. She would hide her body, as well as her light, and hope to disappear from the frightening place where she was forced to live.
Still, she and DiDi would share their light with each other whenever they could. They held hands for support and comfort and even snuck in a laugh or a song when they could get away with it. When they were caught, they were shamed for being selfish. Marji soon got the message: Didn’t she know that those around her, who could no longer feel their light, were envious, hurt and angry when they saw others selfishly enjoying their own light? She should be ashamed.
And so, she was.
It got to the point where Marji felt like a trapped animal or robotic slave. The maternal side of her family shamed her for showing her light, and the paternal side tried to capture it and kill it. She came to feel in real danger of having her beautiful, shining soul murdered.
When she wasn’t hiding, she was very busy. Busy trying to figure out how to stay alive and busy trying to convince her family that they all, like Marji and DiDi, could share their light and be happy together.
It took Marji years to realize that by doing good deeds and being a “good girl,” she couldn’t give her light away or sell her soul for the peace, security and happiness she craved. Eventually, Marji figured out that a willing exchange of loving light was not possible with her family. She also came to the knowledge that she wasn’t being true to herself by seeking the approval she would never receive. She could not force her light on people who did not want it. This was the realization that Marji grieved over most: All along, her family did not want her light; they just didn’t want her to have it either.
Years went by, and Marji’s beautiful, shining soul got almost smothered completely by layers and layers of grief and shame and fear and sadness. Marji didn’t know who she was because her light got so dim and she felt she did not have the strength to reach past all the layers to touch her own beautiful soul.
So out of touch and dark was she that Marji began to be convinced that she was ugly and undeserving of love. She knew that there was light remaining somewhere in the universe, but Marji did not think that she was meant for it. She got out of practice sharing with her sister what little light she had left. They were both so encased in their individual, protective shells they had built up in order to survive.
Once in a while, Marji would remember the fact that she had come from love and she would fantasize about going back there or having someone come and rescue her, returning her there. But, with hope dying a little more every day, she didn’t allow herself this dream very often.
Unfortunately, Marji continued to look for approval and light from other people, after all hope was gone for ever receiving it. She took a man’s promise of love as a sign of this hope. It took her on a painful detour.
One day, the feeling of pain and betrayal got so bad, Marji wanted to end her life. If no one on this earth was going to give her some light, and if no one was ever coming to save her and return her to the place of original love, she would take matters into her own hands. Maybe she’d get lucky and death would return her. At the very least, the present pain—which had grown to feel unbearable—would finally end.
Maybe this shook her up enough to break a tiny crack in Marji’s layers of ugly, yet protective armor. For, Marji got in touch with her soul enough to hear this illuminating piece of wisdom: Obviously, her tactics had not been successful. Maybe, instead of looking to others for the warmth and light of their love, she should look inside herself.
Marji did not like to look at herself. It seemed so ugly. She felt so lonely and sad and dark. Wasn’t her light gone? Wasn’t her soul dead? Well, if this new, revealing message got through, maybe that conclusion was wrong.
Marji was very unsure and afraid of this risk. But, nothing was left to lose. Maybe she should try. She searched for help from others who agreed this idea might work. Soon, she observed that little pieces of her self were occasionally allowed to slip out through the tiny crack that had formed.
She still wasn’t sure just who she was, but Marji summoned up the courage to venture out and began to meet people who seemed to like what they saw sneaking out from inside her. When she forced herself to stop trying to please others and gain their approval—and actually took care of herself for a while—Marji found that great stuff would absolutely radiate from this tiny opening to her soul.
When Marji met the man who was to become her husband, he described her as vivacious. What a pleasant surprise! Marji thought, “Me, vivacious? Incredible!” She was still scared, but she was so excited by the potential in this development that she started to search for healthy ways to break more holes in her shell.
At first, she was discouraged. For, to come up with a strategy for breaking into (and out of) her shell, she had to look at its dark ugliness. She had to examine the process that worked to form her shell in the first place. Once Marji started looking, it seemed she couldn’t stop. And what she saw there was not only ugly, it was terrifying! The process she found herself committed to was the hardest work Marji had ever had to summon the strength to do. The task seemed impossible. There were so many layers under that outside layer of ugly. Underneath, there was pain, sadness, guilt and shame, hatred, rage and lots of fear.
Fortunately, encased in these horrible layers were other layers as well. Layers of hope and courage kept resurfacing over the years, only to be covered up and then unearthed again. Wise, insightful, healing professionals showed Marji how to recognize the potential in these helpful layers. Marji was also shown how to appreciate the “good” and the “bad” inherent in the uncovering process.
The birth of Marji’s son was a telling example of how the “good” and the “bad” get mixed up together to help move the process along. Marji and her husband were absolutely elated when their son arrived. He came from love, was conceived in love and came into a loving home.
Yet, with all the progress Marji had made toward healing before her pregnancy, she was still full of trepidation about how to keep her child safe and properly cared for. The soul who was Marji’s son had a difficult time adjusting to being a baby. His discomfort led him to be very loud and demanding. Marji found many of her old buttons being pushed and was challenged with motherhood daily. At the same time, she was nearly overwhelmed with the amount of love which poured from her heart every day when she looked into her child’s own bright, shining eyes. The child showed Marji what areas she still needed to work on and motivated her to keep working toward her goal, even when it was tough.
Soon, it was not only her son’s own beautiful light which moved Marji to feel deeply. It was more than the love that she felt for her son and her husband that made her warm and alive. Now, she started to notice little things—like the beauty of a piece of music—could move her to tears. These tears felt fresh and different to Marji. These were not the old tears of loneliness and grief, these were new tears that were light and connected and free!
Yes, finally Marji was free!
Now, when she felt most connected to the light and love of her new family, she didn’t feel at all trapped. She felt free! Her beautiful light freely poured out to join with that of her son and husband. All of them were purely enveloped in light and love. Marji’s soul rejoiced in finally realizing—remembering—that this was the love that she had come from. And, once again, Marji was home!
The deadline for the March edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is midnight tonight, Wednesday, March 12 for our Friday, March 14 edition over at Enola's blog. Hurry and get those submissions in, folks!
I think all abuse survivors could well relate to this story of little Marji. We've all been there. I know what it can mean to give birth and to feel an overwhelming love for one's child--even though one didn't experience being loved like that throughout their own childhood.
Thanks for sharing this story. I'm so happy for you that you have a good husband, and a son to add joy to your life.
As far as my sister goes--she lives across the country and is still (as I am) on her healing/therapy/recovery journey. She is married and has two grown kids. We have, sadly, kind of an on-again/off-again relationship. We both have parts, so this makes it challenging for both of us. However, I will always love her and she is the only member of my family of origin that I'm in touch with at all.
Kahless: thank you AND you're welcome my dear! I'm glad you found the post uplifting. :)
Enola: I'm so glad this gives you hope. Yeah, it is a hopeful story isn't it? I know we can all write our own hopeful stories!
Thanks, Beauty. I appreciate your insights, support...and I always appreciate your comments! xoxoxo
peace and blessings
You are today and always have been and always will be a beautiful person inside and out.
Thanks for sharing your Light.
I have said it before you are a lifter and I am so happy that this my first exposure to the carnival, has brought me to this post of yours.
I only know you here on the blog and I FEEL and SEE your LIGHT.
Links to this post: