April 21, 2009


They Kept Me From the Pain

Hurting so bad right now. I guess it's progress, really. I'm finally feeling the things that my parts kept from me so that I could survive as a little, helpless girl. But, it is anguish.

When I put up all those advocacy posts, it makes me feel somewhat better. But, it doesn't mean it's "business as usual" and I'm feeling fine.

Hardly slept at all last night. It's been several days in a row not sleeping well. Today, after an "extra" T session yesterday, I'm exhausted and can't seem to stop crying. I'd better pull myself together because I've promised to babysit my little toddler neighbor and take her to the park this afternoon. Hope that helps me feel better--just pray I have the energy. Safe hugs to all other survivors out there who are hurting.

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Hi Marjean,
Your in my thoughts...you will find the strength you come this far! Take care a survivor friend from Canada!
Hi Marj,

All I have to offer right now is some survivor solidarity. I'm in a similar place right now. You're in my thoughts.
Holly: Thank you, Canada survivor friend.

GA: Thanks for stopping by. I do appreciate the solidarity and thoughts. ((((((((((GA))))))))))
I know you are not feeling fine but not sleeping affects us emotionally in a very profound way.
Try to sleep a little better.
I'm sure at least a little bit of the sadness will go away.
It's very stressful to cry.
At least for me. Sometimes I get really tired after one or two "crying sessions".
I hope you find peace. It takes time sometimes.
Have you ever tried any therapy?
You'll be on my prayers.
Ana: Thanks for the well-needed and appreciated prayers. Yep, I've been in therapy for my PTSD and dissociative disorder for years. I usually work my ass off in my T sessions at least 1 1/2 hours a week. I had an extra T session yesterday and will go for my regular time on Thursday.
loads of safe

And you dont have to "pull yourself together"

Thinking of you.
i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. i remember when i first started getting in touch with some of my deepest sadness. it was like a faucet turned on, or like a dam was released. i cried at the drop of a hat for about two weeks. but it felt so good to cry after having felt so disconnected for so long. ever since that happened, i have always loved to cry. i feel like it helps wash everything away. it feels so cathartic. i don't know if sharing this will help you or not, but no matter what, i hope you feel a sense of peace soon and that you have a nice afternoon~
Kahless: I always appreciate those hugs of yours. thanks. And thanks for giving me permission not to pull myself together. I gotta remember to do that for myself sometimes.

Mountainmama: That was helpful, thank you. I appreciate your thoughtful comment.
Sweet dear one, I am here sitting and 'rocking' with you, if that is okay? ((((safe hugs with loads of blessings))))
Stopping back to say hi. I hope you were able to get some enjoyment out of this afternoon and the babysitting.
Marj - oh we have been exactly where you are...and no it does not feel good...but you are on your way! so proud of you for working so hard to get in touch with that little girl...she needs you to know...so you may heal. safe hugs n love from all of "us"
JBR: no I like rocking. I rock my little parts in a rocking chair often. It's very comforting.

GA: Thanks for stopping back by. I DID enjoy my time at the park with the little cutie pie. Now I'm really bushed, though. Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Rainbow: Thanks. You know, you're right. She DOES need me to know so I can heal. I know the hard work will pay off. It just seems such a long road sometimes.

But kind words from people who understand helps a lot. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses today.
its hard when you realise an alter took so much, but as sad as it is its called survival. we are sending you safe hugs
Checking up on you all this morning dear ones. Blessings and caring!
i've been having some sleepless nights myself lately. been up for 2 nights now...going thru some family stuff, ugh (survivor issues). i'll send some safe hugs for you and prayers.

take care!
Hi. I am back. Sorry you are not feeling well. I came to say thanks for the award, and I am crying for you. I love you girl. I am sorry you are hurting. Thanks for the strength you give and support for us all. And you hang in there. Keep coming to us. We love you here. You are amazing and full of all that is necessary to survive. Love ♥ mile.
JIP: You're right, there was no other choice. Thanks for the hugs.

EH: Hey, nice to "see" you. Thanks for those needed hugs.

JBR: You're so sweet to check back with that caring and blessing. I'm feeling a bit better today and finally got some sleep last night.

Toni: thanks for those wonderful prayers and hugs and I hope you get some sleep, too.

Mile 191: Thanks for your kind words. Welcome back.
thanks for your kind words! i totally appreciate ur listening to me...i feel so ignored lately ;)

i have been reading over many blogs that inspire me as a survivor in different ways, and urs is one of them...thanks for that too! one of these days, i'll put the link to my own survivor blog on my main one...shoot i have like 5 blogs on diffent things LOL

p.s. i'm gonna try to go and take a nap now. my daughter is finally taking one (she's sick and home from school today)

take care
Toni: You're so welcome. I'd like to read your survivor blog sometime. I hope you get a good nap in.
I know what days like those can be like, I remember them very well and the questions of why and the frustration of feeling like things will never change. Have you seen a change in therapy? Have you forgiven yourself for what happened? So often as survivors we beat ourselves up for not protecting ourselves. I often tell people to start by letting go of the shame and guilt and give yourself a break, embrace yourself and forgive the child you once were. Just a thought!
Hi. I've never commented here before, but I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you. Wishing you peace and strength.
Hi, Erin. Nice to "see" you. You know I'm really glad you asked those questions. I think, actually, that I have really gotten somewhere in forgiving myself and letting go of some of the shame, because now that's cleared the way for this intense grief I am feeling for my little child self. I couldn't mourn her before. Thanks for bring that up.

Hi, Superlagirl. Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment. I appreciate those thoughts, peace and strength wishes. I need 'em right now. ;)
Lots of safe hugs
I hope you are feeling better by the time you read this comment. I am sorry for your pain :(
Marj, back again. You are in my thoughts. ((((safe hugs))))
Enola, Barbara & JBR: Thank you so much for your kindness.
I'm glad you are in therapy!
I feel so angry when I come to your blog or sad.
I could not read the last post because I'm sad.
I will never forgive people who abuse children.
I was emotionally abused and it's already too damn hard.
I was physically restrained for 20 seconds - a story that is at my blog - and I felt terrible.
Take care sweetie.
I don't know if I'm saying the right things but that's the way I feel.
Ana: You don't have to worry about saying the right thing. Sometimes I get a little bitter about all the years of therapy I've been doing and think I should be a little farther along in healing than I am. But, that's my junk, not yours.

I will come over and read your story. You take care, too, sweetie Ana!
Big, big (((((hugs))))).
I seem to need a lot of hugs lately. Thanks for those, April.
Thanks for this post. It's nice to know others are out there in a similar boat. Yes, parts can be wonderful! Of course they can also be a PITA!
Paul: thanks for visiting and leaving a comment. LOL! PITA, huh? I usually use the acronym "PIB" myself. I'm going to spend some time looking around your blog later today.
You are always in my thoughts...I am having a difficult time this week myself. I had 2 T sessions this week, and 3 phone calls w/T. Some days it's so difficult...
Hold on to that flicker of hope, my friend.
It will outshine the darkness!
In light and hope,
~ Grace
Grace: That flicker of hope that can outshines the darkness. Yeah, I've got to remember that. Thanks.
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