February 21, 2009


Up and Down, In and Out

Whew! The last week has been a roller coaster ride. Up and down. In (as in closed in) and out (as in reaching out) again. As you may have seen from my last quicky post, my computer crashed. (I'm temporarily using a very, old and slow laptop my husband dug out for me--sure am glad he didn't donate or recycle it!)

My desk-top computer started acting really weird and then I think it got a virus. I noticed the weird activity, so asked my husband to put a bunch of my files on a flash drive. I also printed out hard copies of a lot of my poetry and writing for my some-day book. I guess I'm just old fashioned; I like having a nice, secure hard copy of things that may be irreplaceable.

Getting my files saved before my computer crashed was a mixed blessing. One of the things I found on my hard drive was a dissociative rant. It occurred around the end of August, beginning of September, last year. It was before I wrote about the dissociative period in this post here, and later, in this post here. I found new files that had been opened, with strange file names I could not recall. I also found some rants and incongruous writings within some of my existing files of poetry, quotes, book draft, etc. The ranting just went on and on and didn't seem to have any organization to it. I don't remember writing any of it.

Creepy feeling. Damn! I hate the feeling I get when I am forced to stand face-to-face with evidence of my extreme dissociation. It leaves me feeling like a freak, an outcast, a laughing stock, etc. etc. Stinkin' Thinkin' blah!

Then another incident occurred that was also a mixed blessing. I had thought I had found a group of people to meditate with and it turned out to be an unhealthy group (I won't go into the details). I went to a Sunday brunch event outside of the regular meditation time, and it turned out to be a big sales pitch for something affiliated with this group.

Wait just one cotton-pickin' minute! Don't sell to me, don't try to manipulate me, don't misrepresent things or lie to me. I don't like it! And, now--after years of therapy--I will tell you just that!

I then did some research and found out that this group is definitely my definition of unhealthy. I was on the Internet right when the "sales rep" called me up to follow up on the Sunday event. I saw his name and number on my caller i.d. I almost blew it off because I didn't want to confront. Then I started laughing out loud. What a coincidence--or serendipity, or synchronicity--just when I was reading some unpleasant things about this group and making my mind up to stay away from these people, I get a call from one of them! Ha! I decided that, not only was it funny, it was an opportunity to practice my assertiveness skills and keep myself safe.

I got on the phone and the caller asked if I had a few minutes to talk. "Sure," I said, "But, I don't think you're going to like what I'm going to say." I then went on to tell this man that I felt manipulated, sold to, etc. and that I did not like it. I also told him that I would no longer be meditating with the group and to take me off of their call list.

Yay, me! I was very disappointed to find out that something that I had found that I thought would be healthy for me was not, but I managed to confront, be assertive, take care of myself and keep myself safe. I guess there has been progress with all my therapy after all.

So, what does all this mean? I means motivation for another poem, of course! I wrote about my inner child coming out of exile on my dot com site under the Healing Moments page. It existed in prose form until I made a poem out of it. With my computer not working, I had to sketch it out on paper. But, I like the results.

Out of Exile

No crying myself back to sleep
from this nightmare
peace, opening
vast landscapes, possibilities
crisply, now in view.

Vulnerable energy
open, alive
frees a child from exile;
her battened-down isolation
left behind.

So trusting she was
it frightened me,
but I reached in to touch
her curdled scars;
beautiful as her dimpled smile.

She's all of it;
she's joy and pain,
gain, loss, hate and love.
They tell me
she's my inner child,
not someone
my parents could ever recognize.

Copyright 2009 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved

Now that I have use of at least some slow sort of computer, I'll try to get around to some blogs and the Child Abuse Survivor Network and say hello. See ya around the blogosphere!

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Good for you for being assertive, I need to work on that too. Great poem.
Thanks, Anonymous Drifter. Yeah, if we could all be assertive, not aggressive, the whole world could be different. It's a tall order. *sigh*
Assertive is great, but unfortunately sometimes when women are assertive we are portrayed as being aggressive :(

Glad you are back!!!! YOu should see my teardrops blog, it is truly coming along!
I am so proud of you for standing up and taking care of yourself! Good for you, Marj!
Hey, thanks, EH!

Tery: I'll hobble on over to your blog with my wobbly old computer and see what's happening over there.
Hi Marj aka Thriver,
I saw you at Anonymous Drifter.
You are not old-fashioned. Backups are really necessary.
I hope you can publish your poems.
Thanks, Ana. and thanks for visiting.
Surviving is a roller coaster. But good for you for riding it out, my assertive friend!
Hi Maria! Please "follow" this blog: mrsowingsmills.blogspot.com instead of the other as I am getting ready to delete it. Thanks! Feel free to send me any questions...
Karma: Always wonderful to "see" YOU, my friend! :)

LaQuisha: thanks for coming back. I went to your old blog, but I don't think I could leave a comment. I've been having computer troubles. :P
Way to go, Marj! It's not easy being confrontative and empowering oneself, but you did it nicely.

Hope you some day finish your book, just as I hope to do the same with mine.
Wow, Beauty! So nice to "see" you. I was beginning to think that would never happen again. Yeah, I do hope we both finish our books some day. I will definitely read yours.
I'm grinning that you were wise enough to take steps to protect what was on your computer before it crashed AND that you were assertive with the guy on the phone. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Hi Marj, What a great poem, thanks for stopping by my blog..good to see you..take care..Mary
glad you saw the group was unhealthy before you got too involved
April: thanks, now you got me grinning, too!

Mary: I really enjoy your poems and it's grdeat to see you, too.

JIP: Yeah, whew!
this is very nice. thanks for sharing. your helping so many of us to heal. hugs.
Mile 191: wow. thanks for saying that. I hope it's really true. It helps me keep going when things keep crashing around me.
Marj, I lost your email again, can you please email me? thanks, Denise
Hi Marj, i am no longer on coach creative space, but I would really like to publish your poem I Am Whole if possible on the new zine Light and Shadow. Please email me and let me know, OK? thanks, lightandshadoweditor@yahoo.com - Denise
Denise: I can't wait to put up a post about this venture. I'm excited! :)
Yay for you, standing up for yourself.
Thanks, Kahless. I appreciate you! :)
A very touching poem.

Glad you were able to save stuff before your computer crashed.
Thanks, Casdok. And thanks for stopping by.
I came across your blog and think it's great, good on you! Your poem is very good too. I also write poetry.
I've just started a blog if you'd like to check it out.
Paola: thanks for the visit and the comment. I'll come over and look at your new blog.
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