December 18, 2008


A Dissociative "Doh!"

Well, here I am trying to drag my butt out of the Dissociative Twilight Zone again. I've got the Holiday edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse to get up for tomorrow. When thinking about the holidays (and my son's birthday on New Year's Day) I've been thinking I should hold up on the therapy a little these days. I guess I don't want to get into anything too prone to wig me out, just before Christmas and my therapist's upcoming vacation when she will be unavailable.

But, then something happened that really freaked me out and reminded me that I need to stick with the therapy, or dissociative "incidents" tend to sneak up and bite me in the butt. So, I was working on the Blog Carnival and I had three or four entries that did not come through the standard submission form at Blog Carnival dot com. One of them I really wanted to include but it was given to me as a "read-only" file.

Now, if you know me at all you know that I refer to myself as a "Cyber Klutz." But, I thought I was being really slick by putting said "read-only" file into Microsoft Word and attaching it to an e-mail from my home account (Hotmail), which I then sent on to my Survivors Can Thrive! e-mail account.

Almost immediately after pressing the "send" button, I got a reply. It was from my Survivors Can Thrive! account. Some sort of automatically-generated response thingy. Here's what it said:

Re: Blog Carnival Submission‏
From: Marj McCabe (
Sent: Tue 12/16/08 7:17 PM
I'm on Hiatus for the SCT Blog.  Be back soon!  ;)

What the hell?

I showed it to my husband. He's a cyber klutz too, so I don't know why I bothered. He had no clue.

I had an idea that this was some sort of auto-reply thing, but that was it.

I didn't think I knew how to set something like that up.

And I have never
recalled referring to Survivors Can Thrive! as "SCT."

As I'm trying to figure this out, in my horror, freaked-outness and confusion, I'm hoping and praying that every e-mail that ever attempts to come into my inbox hasn't been getting this reply ever since my blog was on hiatus back in the summer. That was back in July for crying out loud!

Oh yeah, at the time I "felt so good" and I actually wrote this in that "Hi and Hiatus" July post:
"To be honest, I've got a lot going on and am not focusing on the "Surviving-to-Thriving" or therapy issues much right now. I think I'm going to take a bloggy/therapy/"Survivors Can Thrive" break for three or four weeks. I'm doing well and accomplishing other things...and that feels good, really."

Uh huh. That's right before the dissociative sh*t hit the fan big time. Or was it way before that? No wonder I always used to run away in a dissociatve fugue when I'd be this out of it in the past. This is sooo embarrassing.

So, anyway, I'm hoping and praying that nobody else has seen this crazy reply, and then--literally, moments later--I get this e-mail from JIP:

wouldnt have a clue what the hell that means but ok LOL

> Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:42:02 -0800
> From:
> To:
> Subject: Re: from JIP
> I'm on Hiatus for the SCT Blog. Be back soon! ;)

Doh! At least JIP had a good sense of humor about it. I e-mailed her right back and apologized, telling her that there wasn't anything personal meant by the auto-reply e-mail. I hope that all of you out there who also may have received such an auto-reply can just laugh at me and also not take it personally.

Well, long story somewhat shorter: I finally searched around my e-mail homepage and found something called "Edit your Options" which I hadn't remembered ever visiting before, and I deselected the "Away Message Enabled" and the away message that I don't remember ever typing.

Aaacccckkkk! My therapist said, after all the very intense work we've been doing since August--sometimes as much as five hours per week--that we were doing some integration. This doesn't feel very integrated. Please send up a quick prayer or hope into the universe for me that no major nonintegrated, dissociative stuff happens during the holidays of the next few weeks. I hate to be walking on eggshells with myself, wondering what other social faux pas I have or will have committed and "Doh!" dissociative little treats I'll find.

*Sigh* I guess it's a good thing I'm off to another therapy appointment at 11 o'clock. Better get ready to go.

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There's nothing like a little humor before the holidays to lighten things up.....I hope that's how you can take this.

I'm proud of you you could figure it out in one it would have taken at least a week! Way to go girl!

I did submit that post for the carnival. I was hoping you could take it late. I had the post scheduled in blogger and needed to wait for it to post for an address..........then I totally blanked on it last night.

Too much cr*p going on (see the horse blog for details) and I was having my own "DOH" moments!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, RR. I will head over to your horse blog and see what's up. I got the submission post and it's excellent AND I am, indeed, going to use it. Thanks again! You rock! :)
Hope you get all your computer issues sorted out. Holidays are hard for a lot of people. Me being one of them! lol but I hope that you are able to find and focus on all the beautiful moments that will be right in front of you. Your kids, smiles, laughter, a glace from your husband as you open a present, excitement over santa....

Big safe hugs to you girly. Happy holidays and may 2009 be your shining year!
oops. Your post just reminded me that I'm prety sure my work voice mail still says that I'm on maternity leave. It took me until just a few weeks ago to change my home voice mail from "baby is not here yet" and he was 2 months old. And I always forget to turn my auto-reply off when I return from vacation.

I blame mine on Mommy brain. Seriously us women have WAY too much on our plate to ever keep everything straight. You figured it out far more quickly than I would have. I would have gotten lost at the "read only" file.
Thanks, Enola & Jade. I feel very supported by you both. I know what you mean about "Mommy Brain," Enola. I swear I still have it and my kid's almost 12 now! :P
I got this message and never quite understood it - I didnt even work out what SCT stood for, doh!
Kahless: LOL! Yeah, I'm not big on acronyms, but I guess I have a part who is. It took me a while to realize that SCT stood for Survivors Can Thrive, too!

At least I can laugh about it now.
Although it has been a few years since my childhood stuff snuck up and surprised me, I hope you don’t mind if I answer your carnival question with some past surprises. I could probably list 100, but I'll go with these:

1. I was continually surprised by how many ways my childhood wiring affected my adult relationships, and how easily I could become terrified over something.

2. After I made a conscious effort to take classes and educate myself on parenting, I was surprised that even though my children were not abused, they developed some of the relationship "abuse responses" (like boundary issues, "needing to be heard") that I modeled for them as a result of my childhood abuse.

3. I was surprised to learn that by becoming the "polar opposite" of my mother, I had become overly involved in my children’s lives. Shoot!

4. I was surprised by how many times, how many years, and in how many ways I was surprised.
heal & forgive: thanks for sharing these. I can relate to some of them, that's for sure!
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