May 27, 2008
I feel okay about going in tomorrow. Intellectually and logically, I feel fine about it. I talked to a neighbor who is married to a doctor and she commented, "I don't even know why they call those basal cells 'cancer;' that just scares everybody." Uh, yeah. They sure scared me at first. People in the health care field should be more careful when they call somebody up to say, "Well, we got the biopsy report back from the lab and you have cancer." The "C" word is very scary and should be handled with utmost care.
With the type of "skin cancer" I have and the type of procedure they're doing on me tomorrow, it should not come back and I should be free of it very soon. Thanks so much, everybody, for all your comforting words, prayers and support on this matter. As usual, you cyber angels come through for me again!
Now, for the non-intellectual, non-logical side of me who is scared to death about this procedure tomorrow. I talked to my T about it and we both agreed that there is some part activity surrounding this. There is definitely some anxiety about being laid out on a reclining chair with a big light in my face and somebody using a sharp instrument right next to my eye! I guess I shouldn't be at all surprised by this reaction. Going to the dentist usually elicits the same reaction. It's a pretty similar scenario.
Well, to help this fearful situation, I insisted on going into the dermatologist/plastic surgeon's office to look the place over and meet some of the people who will be working with (on) me tomorrow. That helped assuage the fears a bit. Luckily, everyone at this facility seems very compassionate and kind. I knew the secretary was helpful and nice from our phone conversations. Then, I went in and got to meet the nurses and the doctor himself. I also saw the room where I'll be worked on. They told me I can get up out of that chair and move around and ground myself all I want tomorrow.
I will also take my Lorazepam, just to be sure. I've been doing a lot of little-part comforting around this. The meditation, visualization and self-care has been helpful for the last few days. I got really triggered, began sobbing and came really close to hysterically running out of the examining room when I had the initial biopsy done. I'd prefer that it doesn't happen again tomorrow.
Well, keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow, won't you please? I continue to appreciate your continued support. And please continue, okay? Thanks!
I'm off now to try and finish up some work in my garden and my yard. The nurse at the clinic said I should get as much of my yard work done as I can before the procedure tomorrow; I'm supposed to rest afterward.
Oh, one last thing: As I said before, the basal cell spot is right next to my eye. I'd like to request prayers that the surgery does NOT involve my tear duct, as the doctor I met said is a possibility. If it does, it will require additional surgery, and I'd sure like to avoid that!
Thanks again, everybody! You truly are the best! xoxoxxo ((((((((safe hugs to all))))))))
May 20, 2008
I'm Finally "In" My Body And Now It's Falling Apart!
*&*^%$##@*! I have skin cancer!
I had two "moles" removed about a week ago and just got the biopsy results. I'm way more upset about it than I thought I would be.
Boy, life sure is ironic, isn't it? The positive, upbeat post I was going to write was about pleasant surprises and thoughtful friends and peaceful, grounding connected-to-the-earth time spent gardening lately.
I've lived in Colorado almost ten years now. I love it here. One of the things I love the most is the sunshine. With spring finally here, I feel like a new person. I've been outside enjoying getting my hands in the soil and planting things. We get over 300 days of sunshine a year here.
Unfortunately, this has led to my skin cancer, most likely. A strange bump showed up about four years ago--that was five years into living in Colorado. At first I thought it was a wart. Then, I was convinced it was a new-to-show-up mole.
Turns out, it's a basal cell carcinoma. I've been crying some this morning, but I feel a bit better after googling the skin cancer type I have. I guess the recovery rate is excellent for the type of cancer I have and the type of surgery they are going to do on me. It's called The Mohs procedure, or Mohs Micrographic Surgery. They've got me scheduled for Wednesday, 5/28. Unfortunately, the full recovery rates they give are for early treatment. My "mole" was left on there for four years! Yikes! That's scary.
Also, unfortunately, this nasty bump is on my face--right next to my eye! (It's kinda between the corner of my eye and my nose.) Now I'm not a high maintenance sort of woman. I have a very easy wash-and-go hairstyle, am not really into fashion and I hardly ever wear makeup. (I do, however, wear sunscreen all the time.)
Of all the damn moles I have all over my body, this nasty cancer has to be right on my face. (The other one, which is not cancerous at all, was on my leg.) I guess I am actually that vain that this bothers me a lot. Also, I have a neighbor who has skin cancer and it's really bad and he's quite disfigured from it. He's in his 70's though. I'm not even 50 yet!
Aaaaccckkk! Between this and my recent diagnosis of Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, I feel like my body is falling apart! Hhhmmmmm....I'm not sure I like this "being in my body" stuff that is so new to me. Hey, say a prayer or two will ya? Thanks!
May 07, 2008
I'll Say It With A Poem
I hate myself so easily.
Takes only one small slip.
Why can’t I love the whole of me,
The warts as well as gifts?
I guess it comes from years and years
Of giving up on me.
Why not? Makes sense, I’m only shit.
No value they could see.
The rub, the thing that starts to sting,
When now I come to feel.
I took their place so long ago,
In killing what was real.
I’ve got to live here now, they say.
A slap still wakes me up.
If I’m to live for me today,
The question begs
Copyright 2008 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved
I think I'm beginning to realize and admit to myself that my impasse with my therapist had a lot more to do with me than with her. Maybe I'm using my recent challenges as an excuse for self-sabotage. I don't know. It's like that song, "Don't let me get me." Wasn't that one of Pink's? "I'm my own worst enemy." Damn. A lot more work ahead, that's for sure. Ah well. Awareness is key, right?
Maybe now, that I'm getting my head out of my butt, I'll get caught up on a lot of things at this blog. Stay tuned!
May 04, 2008
Quick Note To Stay In Touch
So much has been going on lately I don't know where to begin. My son is going to therapy twice a week. We haven't started to see much progress yet. Well, none, actually so far. It's hard to be patient. I think I've talked both my husband and my son into doing some family counselling around this as well. We're all involved, right?
I had a confrontation with my therapist and we had a bit of a therapeutic impasse going for a while. I think we can get through it...around it...over it, but it will take a lot of work. Since she's the only expert in dissociative disorders around here, I'm highly motivated to make it work. We've just both got to do the work, that's all. She did get an outside consultation about our situation. I appreciated her effort and caring in doing so. I'll update about that later.
Probably the thing that is affecting my blogging the most lately is this diagnosis I recently got of Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. As some of you know, I've had this problem of my arms falling asleep for years. The doctor I consulted in Illinois years ago wanted to do surgery. I said, "No thanks, bye bye."
Now, I'm going to a D.O. who is a neuromusculoskeletal specialist. He's been helping my husband avoid a second back surgery and I thought he could help me as well. Unfortunately, I have a very difficult time using the mouse with my computer lately. I get this weird, "pins and needles" sensation and my arm and right hand go really numb and cold. I apologize for not getting around to blogs much lately. I have my second appointment with this D.O. this week. Keep your fingers crossed for me, will ya? Thanks! Thinking of you all!