May 07, 2008


I'll Say It With A Poem

Really dealing with a jumble of conflicting sh*t lately. I wonder--does that happen more with those of us who have parts? I woke up with this poem coming out of me this morning, after not enough sleep. At least, with a quick little poem, I don't have to be at the computer for very long.

Now, What?

I hate myself so easily.
Takes only one small slip.
Why can’t I love the whole of me,
The warts as well as gifts?

I guess it comes from years and years
Of giving up on me.
Why not? Makes sense, I’m only shit.
No value they could see.

The rub, the thing that starts to sting,
When now I come to feel.
I took their place so long ago,
In killing what was real.

I’ve got to live here now, they say.
A slap still wakes me up.
If I’m to live for me today,
The question begs
Now, what?

Copyright 2008 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved

I think I'm beginning to realize and admit to myself that my impasse with my therapist had a lot more to do with me than with her. Maybe I'm using my recent challenges as an excuse for self-sabotage. I don't know. It's like that song, "Don't let me get me." Wasn't that one of Pink's? "I'm my own worst enemy." Damn. A lot more work ahead, that's for sure. Ah well. Awareness is key, right?

Maybe now, that I'm getting my head out of my butt, I'll get caught up on a lot of things at this blog. Stay tuned!

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I think sometimes we do inflict a lot upon ourselves and when we do finally step back and realise what we are going a whole new world opens up.

You are in my thoughts because doing this can be hard but usually is worth it in the end
I like your insights, S'onnie. Thanks for your wonderful support.
I think awareness is key Marj.
Kahless: Yep, absolutely! Thanks for the hugs and right back at ya! ((((((((((Kahless))))))))))
we feel you have come to some important self realizations, which are something we all have to arrice at on our own pace and time, it usually means forward profgress from there on, pray this does for you also!

hope you are feeling better also.

I have this regular self loathing session late every evening. It's pretty much as regular as prime time TV. I don't know, it's automatic, almost natural. Where did I get this ability to tear myself down in an instant as if self destruction were second nature? I know where I got it. Changing this is like learning a new language. I speak "abuse" now but I really want to learn a new way to relate to myself. I know old words and I'm trying my hardest to change my mother tongue but I keep reverting back to it. It is my first language ya know?......I think you do.

Pink has a lot of songs about survivors, self loathing and escaping herself. I like her.

Austin <----- should have been asleep a long time ago.
I KNOW this is an uncool way to query a site-- but I don't see contact info for you.
Hello, my name is Beth Fehlbaum. My debut novel, Courage in Patience, releases from Kunati Books on September 1, 2008. I am writing to request that you review my book or allow me to be a guest on your blog or site.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a family member, and I am also an experienced Language Arts teacher. I am passionate about communicating to readers that there is hope in the face of what seems hopeless, whether it is sexual abuse, racism, bullying, homophobia, or even censorship. My novel is a story of love, forgiveness, parental responsibility, and, most of all, of discovering what we are made of when we face our worst fears.

I am currently lining up blog and website "appearances"; I sincerely hope that you will consider hosting me. Please e-mail me at, if you have a date available from September 1, onward. We can agree on a specific date when you contact me. Thank you!

Beth Fehlbaum, author
Courage in Patience, a story of hope for those who have endured abuse
Publisher's site:

Ashley Nicole Asher’s life changes forever on the night her mother, Cheryl, meets Charlie Baker. Within a year of her mother’s marriage to Charlie, typical nine-year-old Ashley’s life becomes a nightmare of sexual abuse and emotional neglect. Bundling her body in blankets and sleeping in her closet to try to avoid Charlie's nighttime assaults, she is driven by rage at age 15 to tell her mother, in spite of the threats Charlie has used to keep Ashley silent. Believing that telling will make Charlie go away, instead it reveals to Ashley where she lies on her mother's list of priorities.
“We’re just going to move on now,” Cheryl tells Ashley. “Go to your room.” Ashley's psyche splinters into shards of glass, and she desperately tries to figure a way out, while at the same time battling numbness and an inability to remember what happened when she blacked out after Charlie tackled her. She knew that when she awoke her clothes were disheveled and the lower-half of her body was covered in bright red blood-- but she has only a blank spot in the "video" of her memory.
When Ashley’s friend, Lisa, sees a note from Cheryl telling Ashley that Charlie would never “do those things to her,” and insisting that she apologize for accusing him of molesting her, Lisa forces dazed Ashley to make an outcry to her teacher, Mrs. Chapman.
By the end of the day, Ashley’s father, David, who has not seen Ashley since she was three months old, is standing in the offices of Child and Family Services. He brings her home to the small East Texas town of Patience, where he lives with his wife, Beverly, their son, Ben, and works with his brother, Frank. Its neighboring town, Six Shooter City, is so quirky, it's practically on the cusp of an alternate universe; a trip to the Wal-Mart reveals to visitors that "there's either something in the water..or family trees around here don't fork."
Through the summer school English class/ Quest for Truth taught by Beverly, an "outside-the-box" high school English teacher whose passion for teaching comes second only to her insistence upon authenticity, Ashley comes to know Roxanne Blake, a girl scarred outwardly by a horrific auto crash and inwardly by the belief that she is "Dr. Frankenstein's little experiment";
Wilbur "Dub" White, a fast-talking smart mouth whose stepfather is a white supremacist who nearly kills a man while Dub watches from the shadows, forcing Dub to realize that he cannot live with the person that he is, any longer;
Zaquoiah “Z.Z.” Freeman, one of the few African-Americans in Patience, whose targeted-for-extinction family inherited the estate of one of Patience’s founding families and has been given the charge to "turn this godforsaken town on its head";
Hector "Junior" Alvarez, a father at sixteen whose own father was killed in prison, who works two jobs and is fueled by the determination to "do it right" for his son, "3", and his girlfriend, Moreyma;
T.W. Griffin, whose football-coach father expects him to be Number One at everything, and whose mother naively believes that he is too young to think about sex; and
Kevin Cooper, a not-so-bright football player with a heart of gold, whose mother, Trini, a reporter for the local paper, is instrumental in exposing the ugliness that is censorship.
Every person in the class is confronted with a challenge that they must face head-on. The choices they make will not be easy—but they will be life-altering. With the exception of her mother and step-father, Ashley is surrounded by people who overcome their fear to embrace authenticity and truth-- the only way to freedom. But will Ashley have the inner-fortitude to survive the journey to recovery and the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Will Ashley find her voice, speak up for herself, and break the bondage of her abusive past?
Realizing "she's gonna need a lot more than we have," David and Bev enlist the help of Scott "Dr. Matt" Matthews, an experienced, slightly unconventional therapist who insists that Ashley can and must come out hiding in the closet in her mind.
The Chris Crutcher novel, Ironman, is taught by Beverly Asher in the summer school class. When T.W.’s overbearing parents read the book, they decide that the book should be censored, and they involve the pastor of Patience’s largest, most conservative church to lead the fight through the Purify Patience organization. Its mission is to cleanse Patience of Profanity, Promiscuity, and Parent-Bashing Pedagogy—all complaints the group has about the novel, Ironman. Its hidden agenda, however, is to return Patience to a time when "Patience was 100% white", "women knew their place","everyone had plenty of money", and "Christian values were taught in school."
The censoring, pseudo-Christian, white-supremacist, misogynist organization is exposed for what it is in a courageous move by one of its own (well..his mother threatens to twist his ear off if he doesn't speak up), isolating the pastor and causing most of his “flock” to deny they ever knew him. National and world press attention shine speculation on the dirty little secrets hidden in Patience, and its inhabitants are forced to examine their own values and beliefs.
Alone in the dark, Ashley must face her worst fears in a pivotal scene between her, Charlie, and her mother. Through this confrontation, Ashley at last finds the strength to advocate for her own right to exist in a world that is free of abuse. She, too, has found Courage in Patience.
Thanks, Keepers
Yeah, the self-realization stuff can be painful, but seems quite valuable. And I hope you're right about the progress part. It feels right.
Austin: "Mother tongue" (how ironic is that?) and "my first language?" Yeah, I do know. And that's a really good way of putting it. It is like the first language we learned, isn't it? They say learning another language is a lot easier when you're young than when you're older--maybe that's why this is taking me a while! ;)

I hope you got some sleep.
Sounds to me that you are using the conflict to be reflective.
Dr.Deb: Yeah, I think you are right. And I think it's a good thing.
Beth: Don't worry about contacting me this way, I understand it's the only way other than signing my guestbook over at my dot com site.

Sorry for the delay in commenting back to you--took me a while to start looking at your material. I think I have an idea where we could incorporate you book. I'm so behind on things, that it will probably be in the fall until I get around to this project, so your "after September" time frame fits well for me, too.

I'll be in touch with you soon.
I like little poems which seem at first glance to be deceptively simple.

Oh, we survivors know all sorts of self sabotage methods! We're very crafty that way, aren't we? And who can blame us?

I went to a psychologist once who, when I started beating up on myself said, "Did you say your step dad used to be verbally abusive?" I told him yes, and he said, "Oh I see, you're just carrying on the family tradition, is that it?" I have to say that got my attention. I hadn't thought of it that way before.

I don't know about anyone else but when I even consider what it would be like to not be my own worse enemy, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Like I don't deserve to have healthy self-esteem.

Egads, so many bits and pieces of ourselves to reclaim and it's all an ongoing journey, isn't it?

Yes, awareness is an important factor, for without it there can be no authentic journey. So . . . go easy on yourself, cut yourself some slack. You're getting there, it's just not always so easy to see our progress until we're well beyond the worst of where we used to be.

"It's not always easy to see our progress until we're well beyond the worst of where we used to be."

This is a fabulous quote! Can I use it and credit you with it sometime! I love it! I think that quote is deceptively simple, yet profound! I'll try to remember it along the way.

Thanks! xoxoxxo :)
Ok, you can use my quote!

(Sorry, tried to add something witty but it's b.c.--before coffee--so this is it.)
Yay, Beauty! I will use your quote. And don't worry about not being witty b.c. ("before coffee"--I like that!). The quote is more than enough for me! You don't have to be witty AND profound. ;)
Feeling shit about yourself is a susal occurance with abuse survivors its rising above the i feel shit about myself becasue they told me im supposed to we find the hardest raod to travel.
But like s'onnie says if you can remove the crud they have levt on you colours can come back into your world.
Thanks, JIP. I like the idea of the colors coming back. I think that's why I have a photo caption on my dot com site that says, "bloom, grow, thrive!)

We're like flowers that got nipped pretty badly by a cold, deadly frost. But, now we're learning how to bloom again and appreciate our beautiful colors! :)
Ah, Marj! You deserve so much love and happiness! You deserve to be loved and valued. A pox on anyone who failed to see how beautiful you are.
Wow. That really touched me, April. Thank you so much! :)

hugs to you!
I can certainly relate to your poem. Self-hatred is a difficult mountain for me...I so perfectly integrated it from the beginning of my life. Now, I have a new path, but it is often elusive. I love the end of the post where you slap yourself back into reality!!!
Clueless: Thanks so much for visiting and leaving your thoughtful comments. I can also relate to what you say about the new path...which is often elusive.

This poem is really about the awareness about continuing the legacy by abusing myself. It is so good for me to get back to the present and reality...I just need to do it more consistently in nurturing ways with compassion for myself.
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