November 13, 2009
My Parts Are Alive...
...With The Sound of Triggers!
Quick request, bloggy buddies, for you to send up a quick prayer, healing thought, positive vibe, etc. My therapist has been rearranging my appointments lately (still doing the double-time every week) because her mother is in the hospital. While I certainly feel for her and know she has her own life, this couldn't have come at a worse time.
I've got these little child parts telling me about torture memories that occurred outside the "family" and I seem to have had some parts who held all the triggering noises for me. Guess what? They're all PTSD and flashback-like now. It seems I'm triggered by just about anything that sounds like it has a motor in it.
I'm doing all I can to comfort and calm without the support of my T while she's out of town, but it's just all I can do to keep it together right now. Yesterday, I heard some motor noise--truck, street sweeper, I don't know--and a scared voice came out of my mouth saying, "It's coming closer. Where is it? I have to see it so I know how close it's getting!" This was quickly followed by a tearful crumpling. I've been ultra sensitive to sounds and having flashbacks today as well. So, I've had my MediaPlayer on all day, playing the same soft garden sounds/music over and over to cover up noises and calm my shattered nerves.
I'm doing a lot of work right now, but it can sure be filled sometimes with trauma triggers and fear. Thanks, in advance, for those thoughts, prayers and vibes, all.
Quick request, bloggy buddies, for you to send up a quick prayer, healing thought, positive vibe, etc. My therapist has been rearranging my appointments lately (still doing the double-time every week) because her mother is in the hospital. While I certainly feel for her and know she has her own life, this couldn't have come at a worse time.
I've got these little child parts telling me about torture memories that occurred outside the "family" and I seem to have had some parts who held all the triggering noises for me. Guess what? They're all PTSD and flashback-like now. It seems I'm triggered by just about anything that sounds like it has a motor in it.
I'm doing all I can to comfort and calm without the support of my T while she's out of town, but it's just all I can do to keep it together right now. Yesterday, I heard some motor noise--truck, street sweeper, I don't know--and a scared voice came out of my mouth saying, "It's coming closer. Where is it? I have to see it so I know how close it's getting!" This was quickly followed by a tearful crumpling. I've been ultra sensitive to sounds and having flashbacks today as well. So, I've had my MediaPlayer on all day, playing the same soft garden sounds/music over and over to cover up noises and calm my shattered nerves.
I'm doing a lot of work right now, but it can sure be filled sometimes with trauma triggers and fear. Thanks, in advance, for those thoughts, prayers and vibes, all.
Labels: aftermath, alters, child abuse, comfort, dissociation, memory work, PTSD, therapy, torture, trauma, triggers
Comments:
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Marj -
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I'll be sending you a lot of positive energy! A therapist gone when you're getting restimulated and having flashbacks is a serious not good place! I know how specific those triggers can be - for me it was a fist slammed on to a countertop that opened a whole can of worms! It's incredible how specific they are, so let it surface in it's own time. I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't become clear until your therapist gets back! I hear a little girl clearly aware of the fear!
I also know that there's a lot of energy in the air in the last couple of days that has been heightening any emotional things going on. I'm feeling it, and have several friends going through it! Weather the storm!
Dan Hays
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I'll be sending you a lot of positive energy! A therapist gone when you're getting restimulated and having flashbacks is a serious not good place! I know how specific those triggers can be - for me it was a fist slammed on to a countertop that opened a whole can of worms! It's incredible how specific they are, so let it surface in it's own time. I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't become clear until your therapist gets back! I hear a little girl clearly aware of the fear!
I also know that there's a lot of energy in the air in the last couple of days that has been heightening any emotional things going on. I'm feeling it, and have several friends going through it! Weather the storm!
Dan Hays
# posted by 
: November 13, 2009 10:29 PM
: November 13, 2009 10:29 PM
Sending you many healing vibes and thoughts. I am glad that you are being proactive in your coping. Take care of yourself! <3
Dear Marj, you are in my thoughts. send you good vibes. I am so very sorry for the horror you are going through currently. Hope you find some relief soon. Thinking of you. Love from Germany
Dan: So nice to "see" you over here in the blogosphere. I'm used to seeing you at Twitter. I'm not sure I even knew you were a blogger. Thanks so much for you thoughtful comment.
IK: Yes, comfort and self-care are the name of the game right now for me. Thanks for those vibes!
Paula: thanks for the love, vibes and thoughts. I so appreciate your kind comment.
IK: Yes, comfort and self-care are the name of the game right now for me. Thanks for those vibes!
Paula: thanks for the love, vibes and thoughts. I so appreciate your kind comment.
Marj -
Yes, I do blog. It was a blog about a healing exercise that y'all asked me to submit to Carnival Against Child Abuse - about a healing exercise with my inner child.
I hope you're continuing the self care realm! It's a powerful time for you and I suspect really draining!
Yes, I do blog. It was a blog about a healing exercise that y'all asked me to submit to Carnival Against Child Abuse - about a healing exercise with my inner child.
I hope you're continuing the self care realm! It's a powerful time for you and I suspect really draining!
# posted by : November 15, 2009 12:56 PM
: November 15, 2009 12:56 PM
Oh yes, Dan. Der-Duh-Der! :P I remember I was the one who asked you to submit. Sorry, dissociative moment! I hope you will join us for the carnival again some time.
I'm sorry things are feeling so hypersensitive for you lately. I know this time of year always has me triggered out. Normally from november til January I'm on edge and feeling baked.
I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well as your counselor and her mom. Its definitely a tough balancing act when you work in a client based practice and have to take personal time off. I hope things settle for you both soon!
Safe hugs your way my friend
I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well as your counselor and her mom. Its definitely a tough balancing act when you work in a client based practice and have to take personal time off. I hope things settle for you both soon!
Safe hugs your way my friend
Oh Marj, hun, I am sorry! It seems like the timing is always hideous when our T's have to go out and have lives! Ugh I hate it as much as you do but we are all here for you.. and she is too, whether by phone or e-mail. I will be praying for you!
Jade: thanks for those kind thoughts, hugs and prayers. And I'm sitting right there with ya on that November to January thing.
You are in my prayers, and I know how you feel because I have been having flashbacks also. Take care my friend, hugsss..Mary
i don't know how i missed this post, but i'm sending healing thoughts your way. i'm always sending support and appreciation to you, but i'll send more now that i know you're having trouble.
safe hugs!
safe hugs!
# posted by : November 17, 2009 8:28 AM
: November 17, 2009 8:28 AM
Mary: so glad to "see" you! I'm so glad you're blogging again. And thanks for those prayers and hugs.
Mama: I always so appreciate your support. Thanks for being you!
Mama: I always so appreciate your support. Thanks for being you!
Marj,
You are in my thoughts and prayers. It is so nice to know when you need support. I truly know how difficult it is when your T. has family emergencies. My T's wife has been holding on to life for 6 months now finally she is doing better. I truly feel God has given me an opportunity to recognize my strength. You are strong Marj.
I am sorry I missed the carnival, truly sorry. I know that I missed out. I truly look forward to reading and I will participate again. I think I am starting to poke my head back out of my shell and find a voice again.
Sending you all kinds of support and hugs!
Vicki
You are in my thoughts and prayers. It is so nice to know when you need support. I truly know how difficult it is when your T. has family emergencies. My T's wife has been holding on to life for 6 months now finally she is doing better. I truly feel God has given me an opportunity to recognize my strength. You are strong Marj.
I am sorry I missed the carnival, truly sorry. I know that I missed out. I truly look forward to reading and I will participate again. I think I am starting to poke my head back out of my shell and find a voice again.
Sending you all kinds of support and hugs!
Vicki
I read this today. My prayers are with you. Thank you for your example of strength, even when you have new healing moments. You are a bright light in the darkness. I am writing about you and a few others today. Thank you for giving me hope and direction. Always, your friend. Mile 191
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