August 03, 2009
Just saying that to myself fills me with a sense of impending doom.
Last August was a dissociative nightmare. You can read about the "dissociative detour" in this old post here.
I used to think only the official Autumn season was routinely filled with trauma terror. But, the last couple of years I've been noticing that it often starts in August, around the time we start thinking of the kids getting back to school. I saw a "Back to School" promotional banner up the other day and I just got a sinking feeling of dread.
This year, I've got to do something different. My "firefighter" and "manager" parts have already tried all kinds of far-out avoidance tactics to no avail. Let's see, I went down to the Ross trauma program in Dallas coming on three years ago. I've run away to Arizona and the wilds of the national forest in dissociative fugues. I've tried the end-of-summer family vacation and Autumn solo getaways. And, of course, there were more suicidal stays in the hospital than I'd care to mention.
I don't want to repeat any of those this year, thank you very much. I've been talking to my therapist about it on and off for weeks already. I want to be more proactive about it this year.
What we decided at my T appointment last Thursday is that I may just have to face a real whopper of a memory head on. There's probably something about my father being a teacher and the end of the summer that prompted some really bad abuse and, therefore, the dreaded memory I've been trying to avoid seemingly at all costs.
But, something happened when I faced the ultimate betrayal of remembering that my mother knew (and did nothing) about my father almost killing me. I felt the excruciating pain of it...and I didn't die or go crazy.
Maybe I can do the same with this back-to-school memory. I'm sure (duh) that it's something really bad. But, maybe I can just realize that this terrible thing really did happen to me and the hurt of it really sucks. Maybe I can finally allow the little traumatized child inside me to feel the feelings of it. Maybe I can somehow cradle that inner child of mine in my arms and let her cry. Then, of course, I can continue to really take care of myself, comfort myself and pamper myself while I grieve. That's what I've been doing lately and it's been working very well for me.
And with my son back in school, I'll have even more private time for self-care. So, I'm telling myself this will work. I can do this. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Send out some courage and strength vibes for me, won't you? Thanks!
One thing I'm not sure I'm going to do is the August edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. If there's anybody out there who is just itching to host an August edition, please let me know. If not, I may just let it slide for a month.
Lisa Marie: That's neat, the way you put that. You're welcome and thank YOU!
EH: Always great to "see" you! I'll be thinking of you this August, too.
This is such a raw post. I can't help but really appreciate your sense of dread, of course! But also the progression here from "maybe... maybe... to Of course, I can continue to really..."
This is brilliantly full of hope and faith in yourself!
We are all with you Marj, wouldn't be anywhere else.
Sending ♥ and lots of positive thoughts your way.
AD: So nice to "see" you. Thanks for those thoughts and prayers.
August is not such a bad time for me. So I'll be glad to host the carnival if you want me too.
I know what it's like to face those tough memories. It sucks. It's scary, tiring, and above all much needed for life to proceed in a healthy direction. I honk it's awesome that you're creating a backup plan with your T. Very responsible of you to do. Maybe his can be the year that you create a wonderfully fabulous memory that can start a new tradition of seasonal emotion. Maybe you could skinny dip with your hubby. Or start a food fight. Hehe something fun and silly that can break the tension of the month... Ya know?
Sending you big safe hugs my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
some things "head on" and I too am struggling. We need each other those of us that have been abused. We draw strength from each other
Lili: Thanks for visiting. I'm glad you don't have long to wait for Autumn.
Paula: Thanks for the supportive comment. And thanks so much for those vibes, thoughts and blessings! Same to you!
Jade: Skinny dipping, huh? Thanks for the fun ideas!
Wanda: We do need each other and draw strength from each other. Thanks for saying that. I'm sorry you are also struggling. I will also come by your blog with some hugs.
i hope things are going well with you and everything you have going on in your life~ ((safe hugs))
JBR: Encouragement--yes! I do need that, thanks! And thanks for those blessings and safe hugs. Backatcha with those, too!
Gudrun: Thanks for those well wishes and thank you for stopping by with your kind comment.
Road to?: Thanks for the comment and the compliment. I will check out your site.
Dr. Deb: Yeah, I think you're right. Thanks for saying that.
IK: I hope to see you at the carnival next week.
Wrap the inner child in a warm hug. She deserves it.
I always looked forward to school. School was my escape to something normal and stimulating and it was time away from the abuse.
Facing your fears is the most courageous thing any of us can do and you are doing that.
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