August 03, 2009
August Angst
Well, there it is: It is now August. 
Just saying that to myself fills me with a sense of impending doom.
Last August was a dissociative nightmare. You can read about the "dissociative detour" in this old post here.
I used to think only the official Autumn season was routinely filled with trauma terror. But, the last couple of years I've been noticing that it often starts in August, around the time we start thinking of the kids getting back to school. I saw a "Back to School" promotional banner up the other day and I just got a sinking feeling of dread.
This year, I've got to do something different. My "firefighter" and "manager" parts have already tried all kinds of far-out avoidance tactics to no avail. Let's see, I went down to the Ross trauma program in Dallas coming on three years ago. I've run away to Arizona and the wilds of the national forest in dissociative fugues. I've tried the end-of-summer family vacation and Autumn solo getaways. And, of course, there were more suicidal stays in the hospital than I'd care to mention.
I don't want to repeat any of those this year, thank you very much. I've been talking to my therapist about it on and off for weeks already. I want to be more proactive about it this year.
What we decided at my T appointment last Thursday is that I may just have to face a real whopper of a memory head on. There's probably something about my father being a teacher and the end of the summer that prompted some really bad abuse and, therefore, the dreaded memory I've been trying to avoid seemingly at all costs.
But, something happened when I faced the ultimate betrayal of remembering that my mother knew (and did nothing) about my father almost killing me. I felt the excruciating pain of it...and I didn't die or go crazy.
Maybe I can do the same with this back-to-school memory. I'm sure (duh) that it's something really bad. But, maybe I can just realize that this terrible thing really did happen to me and the hurt of it really sucks. Maybe I can finally allow the little traumatized child inside me to feel the feelings of it. Maybe I can somehow cradle that inner child of mine in my arms and let her cry. Then, of course, I can continue to really take care of myself, comfort myself and pamper myself while I grieve. That's what I've been doing lately and it's been working very well for me.
And with my son back in school, I'll have even more private time for self-care. So, I'm telling myself this will work. I can do this. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Send out some courage and strength vibes for me, won't you? Thanks!
One thing I'm not sure I'm going to do is the August edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. If there's anybody out there who is just itching to host an August edition, please let me know. If not, I may just let it slide for a month.
Just saying that to myself fills me with a sense of impending doom.
Last August was a dissociative nightmare. You can read about the "dissociative detour" in this old post here.
I used to think only the official Autumn season was routinely filled with trauma terror. But, the last couple of years I've been noticing that it often starts in August, around the time we start thinking of the kids getting back to school. I saw a "Back to School" promotional banner up the other day and I just got a sinking feeling of dread.
This year, I've got to do something different. My "firefighter" and "manager" parts have already tried all kinds of far-out avoidance tactics to no avail. Let's see, I went down to the Ross trauma program in Dallas coming on three years ago. I've run away to Arizona and the wilds of the national forest in dissociative fugues. I've tried the end-of-summer family vacation and Autumn solo getaways. And, of course, there were more suicidal stays in the hospital than I'd care to mention.
I don't want to repeat any of those this year, thank you very much. I've been talking to my therapist about it on and off for weeks already. I want to be more proactive about it this year.
What we decided at my T appointment last Thursday is that I may just have to face a real whopper of a memory head on. There's probably something about my father being a teacher and the end of the summer that prompted some really bad abuse and, therefore, the dreaded memory I've been trying to avoid seemingly at all costs.
But, something happened when I faced the ultimate betrayal of remembering that my mother knew (and did nothing) about my father almost killing me. I felt the excruciating pain of it...and I didn't die or go crazy.
Maybe I can do the same with this back-to-school memory. I'm sure (duh) that it's something really bad. But, maybe I can just realize that this terrible thing really did happen to me and the hurt of it really sucks. Maybe I can finally allow the little traumatized child inside me to feel the feelings of it. Maybe I can somehow cradle that inner child of mine in my arms and let her cry. Then, of course, I can continue to really take care of myself, comfort myself and pamper myself while I grieve. That's what I've been doing lately and it's been working very well for me.
And with my son back in school, I'll have even more private time for self-care. So, I'm telling myself this will work. I can do this. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Send out some courage and strength vibes for me, won't you? Thanks!
One thing I'm not sure I'm going to do is the August edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. If there's anybody out there who is just itching to host an August edition, please let me know. If not, I may just let it slide for a month.
Labels: aftermath, anniversary, betrayal, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, comfort, denial, dissociation, feelings, grieving, inner child, memory work, therapy, triggers
Comments:
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I'm sending you all the courage and support vibes I can muster! Your approach to nurturing and comforting your inner child and yourself seems to be a good method. I've noticed some progress of my own when I've comforted my inner child. Take care!
It sounds as if you know what you are ready for. This post just shows how much you know you are capable of. Every time I visit your blog, I learn something more about me. Thank you for posting.
I'm right there with you, Marj. August is a bad time time for me and I know I don't have all the memories about why. I guess we just do our best, eh?
IK: Thanks so much for those much-needed support vibes. And keep on comforting that inner child of yours.
Lisa Marie: That's neat, the way you put that. You're welcome and thank YOU!
EH: Always great to "see" you! I'll be thinking of you this August, too.
Lisa Marie: That's neat, the way you put that. You're welcome and thank YOU!
EH: Always great to "see" you! I'll be thinking of you this August, too.
Marj.
This is such a raw post. I can't help but really appreciate your sense of dread, of course! But also the progression here from "maybe... maybe... to Of course, I can continue to really..."
This is brilliantly full of hope and faith in yourself!
We are all with you Marj, wouldn't be anywhere else.
Sending ♥ and lots of positive thoughts your way.
Vicki
This is such a raw post. I can't help but really appreciate your sense of dread, of course! But also the progression here from "maybe... maybe... to Of course, I can continue to really..."
This is brilliantly full of hope and faith in yourself!
We are all with you Marj, wouldn't be anywhere else.
Sending ♥ and lots of positive thoughts your way.
Vicki
Vicki: Having you all here with me means a lot. Thanks!
AD: So nice to "see" you. Thanks for those thoughts and prayers.
AD: So nice to "see" you. Thanks for those thoughts and prayers.
Sending hugs and strength to you.
August is not such a bad time for me. So I'll be glad to host the carnival if you want me too.
August is not such a bad time for me. So I'll be glad to host the carnival if you want me too.
Hey, that's a great idea, Enola! Having someone who's already hosted before will be easier for me. Thanks! You're a life saver!
i'll definitely be sending good wishes your way for healing through this tough time of year. i've been thinking of you anyway already because i've been having a tough time of my own lately and you are one person out there who i believe would understand. i am comforted by your blogs and all your words. i'm comforted just knowing you exist out there marj~ thank you for all you do~ ((safe hug))
# posted by 
: August 05, 2009 10:12 AM
: August 05, 2009 10:12 AM
Many blessings,strength, and hugs to you. July was my "month" I am counting down every single day as summer and spring are trigger seasons for me. Sept 21 here I come.
# posted by : August 05, 2009 10:41 AM
: August 05, 2009 10:41 AM
Sending you good vibes and keep you in my thoughts. You seem to be very determinated to figure what happend during this time of year and when one starts on a topic it is hard to stop anyway. Blessings for your journey
Hey much friend. Just stoopon by to see how you are doing.
I know what it's like to face those tough memories. It sucks. It's scary, tiring, and above all much needed for life to proceed in a healthy direction. I honk it's awesome that you're creating a backup plan with your T. Very responsible of you to do. Maybe his can be the year that you create a wonderfully fabulous memory that can start a new tradition of seasonal emotion. Maybe you could skinny dip with your hubby. Or start a food fight. Hehe something fun and silly that can break the tension of the month... Ya know?
Sending you big safe hugs my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
I know what it's like to face those tough memories. It sucks. It's scary, tiring, and above all much needed for life to proceed in a healthy direction. I honk it's awesome that you're creating a backup plan with your T. Very responsible of you to do. Maybe his can be the year that you create a wonderfully fabulous memory that can start a new tradition of seasonal emotion. Maybe you could skinny dip with your hubby. Or start a food fight. Hehe something fun and silly that can break the tension of the month... Ya know?
Sending you big safe hugs my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Sending courage to face this awful memory. I understand and if I can help please write me. I am currently working on facing
some things "head on" and I too am struggling. We need each other those of us that have been abused. We draw strength from each other
some things "head on" and I too am struggling. We need each other those of us that have been abused. We draw strength from each other
Mountainmama: Thanks for the hug. I'm sorry you're having a tough time, too. I'm sure I do understand. I'll come by your blog with a hug of my own.
Lili: Thanks for visiting. I'm glad you don't have long to wait for Autumn.
Paula: Thanks for the supportive comment. And thanks so much for those vibes, thoughts and blessings! Same to you!
Jade: Skinny dipping, huh? Thanks for the fun ideas!
Wanda: We do need each other and draw strength from each other. Thanks for saying that. I'm sorry you are also struggling. I will also come by your blog with some hugs.
Lili: Thanks for visiting. I'm glad you don't have long to wait for Autumn.
Paula: Thanks for the supportive comment. And thanks so much for those vibes, thoughts and blessings! Same to you!
Jade: Skinny dipping, huh? Thanks for the fun ideas!
Wanda: We do need each other and draw strength from each other. Thanks for saying that. I'm sorry you are also struggling. I will also come by your blog with some hugs.
thanks marj~ :) i'm feeling much better now. really working on taking care of myself and seeing things clearly. i hope you know there's never any obligation or pressure to visit my blog. i just wanted you to know how much i appreciate you~ :D
i hope things are going well with you and everything you have going on in your life~ ((safe hugs))
i hope things are going well with you and everything you have going on in your life~ ((safe hugs))
# posted by : August 06, 2009 10:57 AM
: August 06, 2009 10:57 AM
Dear one, I am right there with you and everyone else encouraging you along! Blessings and safe hugs, always.
Hi Marj, all my best wishes for the important work ahead of you. It seems that you have a strong support and courage not only from your readers but more important from deep inside your SELF. I am sure you will succeed - in a way you already have. You have survived the real thing - as a very courageous child - you will manage processing it as an adult. Go Well!
MM: I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. And, no, I never feel obligated to visit your blog, I just like doing it! Safe hugs backatcha!
JBR: Encouragement--yes! I do need that, thanks! And thanks for those blessings and safe hugs. Backatcha with those, too!
Gudrun: Thanks for those well wishes and thank you for stopping by with your kind comment.
JBR: Encouragement--yes! I do need that, thanks! And thanks for those blessings and safe hugs. Backatcha with those, too!
Gudrun: Thanks for those well wishes and thank you for stopping by with your kind comment.
(((((Hugs))))) My experience is that we remember when we're ready to remember. As difficult as such memories can be, they also free us to move forward to love and accept ourselves.
This is a fabulous website and I commend your free expression. I'd love it if you checked out my website which is very similar... its an open and anonymous website where I place my writing and I encourage other survivors to submit their writing and artwork. Thank you!
www.RoadToThePhoenix.blogspot.com
www.RoadToThePhoenix.blogspot.com
Thanks for the link and the comment about the blog carnival. I never even thought about submitting something for that.
April: Thanks for the hugs and the insights.
Road to?: Thanks for the comment and the compliment. I will check out your site.
Dr. Deb: Yeah, I think you're right. Thanks for saying that.
IK: I hope to see you at the carnival next week.
Road to?: Thanks for the comment and the compliment. I will check out your site.
Dr. Deb: Yeah, I think you're right. Thanks for saying that.
IK: I hope to see you at the carnival next week.
Courage and strength vibes sent your way! I am sorry that this is such a difficult time for you. I think facing the memory head-on is very brave.
Wrap the inner child in a warm hug. She deserves it.
Warmly,
Tamara
Wrap the inner child in a warm hug. She deserves it.
Warmly,
Tamara
Marj, you have so much courage. I know it doesn't always look that way to you but it does to the rest of us who are reading about your struggle.
I always looked forward to school. School was my escape to something normal and stimulating and it was time away from the abuse.
Facing your fears is the most courageous thing any of us can do and you are doing that.
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I always looked forward to school. School was my escape to something normal and stimulating and it was time away from the abuse.
Facing your fears is the most courageous thing any of us can do and you are doing that.
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