October 23, 2006


How It Goes

Now that I feel a bit more rested, I'm going to try to give some more detailed updates here. The first big news is that I am, indeed, getting some rest. Hallelujah! I even slept last night without any cold medicine. Whoo hoo! I slept about eight hours with only one interruption to go to the bathroom. It feels like a miracle. I'm sure I'll be getting over this cold quickly now.

My son seemed to be testing me a bit when I returned from Dallas, as children are prone to do. It seems, however-- now that I've been able to observe him and love on him for over a week of being back--that he's doing quite well. I don't know if it's the medication or just a cumulative effect of all the things we've all been working on together as a family. One thing I've noticed is that he's much more of a morning person now. He's actually been quite cheerful of late while getting ready for school in the morning. What a blessing!

The bad news is that my beloved twin is in a suicidal phase. I spoke to her yesterday and she seemed at least as overwhelmed as I did before I went away for trauma recovery work. I wish I could magically take her pain away. We seem to go through these recovery stages in tandem quite often. Well, we are identical twins after all . Send a prayer up for her, won't you?

I want to address some of the inquiries I had about my stay in the trauma treatment program in Dallas. First of all, it's the program started by the internationally-renowned trauma expert, Colin A. Ross. I knew a bit of him previously, because he's linked on my dot com site, under Research Resources,
here. My first impression, in cyber land, was that he has a fairly large ego. His name seems to be stamped on everything! Well, I guess that's one of the ways one becomes a "household" name, isn't it? (And, no, I didn't think you were too nosy asking about him, Keepers.)

Meeting with him in person was rather nerve-wracking. First of all, he has the unusual m.o. of having the entire trauma outpatient group sit in on the session. No pressure there, huh? Secondly, he is intimidating. This is my personal feeling, but I'm sure many would agree with me. I don't like his personal therapy style at all. I certainly wouldn't choose him for my personal, ongoing therapist. I had to be quite assertive with him several times during our session. At one point, I told him that I felt badgered. Not a warm, comfy feeling. Another time, I felt like one of those defense attorneys in a courtroom drama and wanted to shout back, "Asked and answered!" I told him he had asked me the same question at least five times and I felt I had answered it at least two or three times. Can we move on??

Having said all this, I must admit, the man is a master at getting to the heart of the trauma issues. He is, indeed, an expert at helping patients identify their distorted thinking. I was surprised and amazed that he really helped me get at a core issue. It was a realization that had quite a ripple effect and led me to a major revelation of sorts on my trauma and trauma recovery process. The realization is this: I still have yet to completely forgive myself for what happened to me as a child. I still have yet to completely accept and embrace, forgive and love that wounded little girl who was and is me.

It took me a day or two to wrap my brain around this concept. I thought I had "been there, done that" with all the inner child work I did years ago. I guess that was another tip of an iceberg I had only whacked a few chips off of so far.

I need to think some more about how I will word what happened to me next. It may be quite triggering for some, so I'll put that warning out in advance right now. (I'll be sure to put up another trigger warning when I put up that upcoming post.) Gonna run now; I promised my Sis I'd call her this afternoon. I'll be around to visit blogs for sure in the next couple of days. Thanks, all for waiting for me and not giving up on me!


I will never give up on you or your sister. How else can I make my snowcones? Reading your description of your therapy sessions gives me chills. My inner child wants to hide somewhere. I thought your breakthrough about your inner child was very helpful. It wasn't your fault and you do need to forgive yourself. Give a hug to your sister, and if she ever needs something, have her touch base with me. Both of you are very welcome to e-mail me. I figured you read the poem last Thursday, but I am sure it was very traumatic. (((hugs))) to you my friend and I hope this therapy yields a more peacful amd rested life for you soon.

I'm glad to hear that you have some more insight into your psyche now. I'm also glad that you're back and feeling a little better. I'm sorry that your twin is not doing well.
well done on your courage and perserverance :) And prayers going out for you and your sister
Hi Marj

I am glad that it gave you a focus for your recovery. It sounds like he made you fight for it and I think that is so much better than simpering patronising yes-yesing. If you know what I mean. By making you worked up and riled, he made you really think about what he was saying.

I do hope your sister finds the same path out of this phase as you are. At least she has someone to share her thoughts with and who understands exactly how she is feeling.

All is ok in the UK. I am still pregnant - 39 weeks now. Should hopefully be soon as I am fed up of carrying the baby around.

Just wanted to add that Mike wrote a great post at childabusesurvivor about touch (from the male perspective) http://childabusesurvivor.net/

and I wrote about the effect child abuse has had on me dealing with being a parent - particular disassociating breastfeeding with child abuse...http://www.doingitallagain.com/2006/10/24/3940-pink-or-blue/

As a parent, I wondered what your thoughts were.

Anyway, I know you are obviously up to your eyes in it, so no rush or anything.

Take care and hugs.

Brian: Yeah, that's right! I've got some more iceberg chips for our inner child snow cones. Yay! I know I've said this a lot to you, but I really do mean it: THANKS BUNCHES for your support!
Brewerburns & JIP: Thanks for including my sister in your well-wishes, thoughts and prayers. And JIP--your courage fills me with awe all the time!
Emily: I agree, I do prefer someone who will hold me accountable...I'd just like a kinder, gentler "holding my feet to the fire," that's all. ;) I'll come over to your blog and tell you about the last days of my pregnancy. Thanks for the links. I haven't heard from Mike for a while--I'll have to go over and see what he's up to, too. Hang in there pregnant lady!
It sounds like (even with the personality differences?) it was a good experience. I look forward to hearing more about it.

I'll be praying for your sister.
Tracie: Nice to "see" you. Thanks for the support. Yes, I will put up another "update" post. I'm going to work on some trauma processing "homework" assignments today and tomorrow and this will help me get the words together for the next post. Thanks for stopping by.
{{{Marj}}}..just checking on you, sorry to hear about your sister, my thoughts go out to you both. Hang in there, it is a really a hard time for you right now..hang tuff, therapy can take it out of you, take it slow and easy and continnue to heal..take care ..:)
Good for you for taking the time to take care of yourself! It was many years after I was raped before I realized the depth of my need to forgive myself. It is a process that is taking me years. Something that helps is a guided imagry CD that you can listen to as you fall asleep - by Bellaruth Napersak (did I spell that right?) and it's called "Anger and Forgiveness."
Madd: Thanks for continuing to check in on me. You're a sweetheart! :)

Karma: I just wrote down that guided imagery CD info--I'm gonna look into that. It seems I'm learning that anger, grief and forgiveness are all tied into each other. Thanks for the tip!
so good to hear back from you marj!! thanks for giving us a view of colin ross the man...hope you continue to recover from your cold. please accept our gentle hugs for you and your sister...welcome back again!!

peace and blessings

Thanks, Keepers! It's always nice to hear from you. My cold is getting much better, thanks--I can sleep without cold medicine now. ;) My sister seems to be doing somewhat better as well. Thanks, all, for the prayers and well wishes. She doesn't know you guys, but I'm sure she appreciates it, too!
Hi Marj - Thanks for stopping by at my new blog. Sorry to hear about your sister and hope all is well for her soon. I know what you mean about that doctor. My shrink that I see is a trip! He is very intelligent that is for sure and knows his stuff, but don't question him...geezz look out if you disagree with him.

Glad to hear about your son and him feeling better ( I am not too sure what was wrong in the first place).

Please stop by and read "Innocent Children" in my new blog - I really could use some advice.

Thanks and ((HUGS))
thanks for your open and honest sharing. it has really given me some food for thought.
Beachwriter: I'll try to get over to your blog and leave a comment soon (read my comment under the more recent blog carnival post to see what's all FUBAR with my computer life right now). In the meantime, you may want to consider sumitting a post like that to the blog carnival to get more readers to see it. Just a thought. I'll be in touch as soon as I can.

Sunnie: I appreciate the feedback. It is challenging to really put it all out there sometimes...but I'm glad it can be helpful to some. Thanks!

Prayers for your sister. I'm so glad, though, to see in your words renewed strength for yourself and your son. I'm smiling to know that you had the breakthrough, too, about forgiving yourself.

Im glad that you are back and feeling somewhat better. I know how extra insight into things helps greatly. Something I too need to get near doing.. forgiving myself. eventually. one day.

sending positive vibes your way.

April: Thanks for the prayers...and the smiles.

Cassandra: Let's BOTH forgive ourselves, okay? Damn it, we deserve it already!
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