July 21, 2009


A Systematic Breaking of The Spirit

I am really struggling right now. I'm trying to process a new memory that I retrieved recently. It involves so many of my parts that it is taking more time and some extra therapy.

**Trigger Warning**

Doesn't ANYbody Care?

I'm going through the "Realization Stage"--Yeah, I get it. This happened to me. And it really felt that bad.--on several counts. One is that it was very systematic, my parents' way of breaking my spirit. And, although I was not abused by members of a cult, my parents did utilize some brain washing, mind control-type techniques.

The memory I retrieved recently was something they forced me to say: "Nobody cares about me." and "Nobody cares
what happens to me."

This comes on the heals of a memory that I've been working on--on and off--for literally years. My father, on many occasions, tried to drown me in the bathtub. Sometimes it was a joke of his. Sometimes it was a life-or-death struggle to survive. It didn't think my mother knew about these near-death torture situations. But, she did.

For so long, it's been hard enough to break through my denial and accept the realization that she was aware of all the sexual abuse my father forced on me. I figured she was okay with sexual acts that she did not want to be obligated to perform herself. But, now I have to face the fact that this monster man who was my father could have done anything to me. He could have killed me. He could have done anything his twisted mind could think up and my mother would do nothing to step in and protect me.

This is so final. So infinite. Nobody cares what happens to me. Nobody cares...no matter what.

The worst part is how much I still believe it. This is such a core belief.

It is seared to my soul.

I don't know what it is going to take to undo it. I don't know if it is possible to erase it. My logical mind knows that people now care about me. But, this was ingrained into my very being. My gut, my heart, my soul are taking a lot longer to reprogram the message.

I'm doing my best to comfort parts right now. But many of them are just about inconsolable. The anguish is huge. If I don't get around to some blogs for a while, please forgive me. I am just in the depths of grief right now.

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safe hugs. I hope you know that I care about you. I know other bloggers do too. Hang in there.
Marj, You are doing the best you can. That's all you can ask of yourself right now.

I think as you talk and share more, with yourself and others, it will start to shift inside. It may help for others, me perhaps, to say that I read what your father (and mother) did to you and got sick to my stomach. It may help for you to hear that I feel sorry for the little girl who had all these bad things happen to her.

I know it feels like it's seared into your soul. And in a certain sense it is. But you are changing this. You know how to soothe. You do have a logical mind.

Oh, and I want to call your attention to the title of your blog. You might want to take a look at that and think about why you chose that title. It only feels like your spirit is broken. It is absolutely not. Paul.
Marj, So many of us care about you! I, too, had parents who tried to kill me. That creates a pain that goes very deep. But we both survived--you and I. That speaks to our strength and courage and resilience. You will make it through this, too, and all of us will be here telling you how much you matter to us.
I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. Unfortunately, it is so much easier to tear someone down than to rebuild. It just sickens me that you've been treated this way. I can only think of lots and lots of positive reinforcement to undo what damage is undoable.

You do matter to so many people. Just think of how many people you have brought comfort and peace to with this blog.

I wish you find more comfort and peace soon. *hugs*
I am so sorry your mother betrayed you. I know how deeply that can hurt. Do not feel you need to visit other blogs. Sometimes all we can do is try to stop the pain inside. I have also lived with this type of abuse, so if I can help please let me know.
Dear one I do not know what to say. I am appauled at your father and your mother!!! No child deserved what you went through.

You know I am sincere when I say, ((((safe hugs)))) to you and I am here sitting and listening with you and you are being heard and you DO DO DO have people that care about you, I being one!!!
That's so horrible. I wish I had some helpful words. I can only say I'm sorry.
dear marj, i'm so sorry you're struggling right now. and that you had to live through such terror and torture in your life, physically, emotionally and sexually.

i can relate to what you're saying about how difficult it is to eradicate these abusive messages we were taught. i know it doesn't quite fix it just to have people in your life who do care. it's like the message is imbedded somehow and despite evidence to it's contrary, it holds on irrationally, regardless of the care that surrounds you.

i know i'm only one voice and this may not be that helpful, but i care about you. the moment i saw on my dashboard that you were struggling, i thought, oh no, sweet marj. and i wanted to be sure to be here for you to give you support. sending healing thoughts and wishes your way~~ ((safe hugs))
Wow. I am almost speechless. The outpouring of compassion in these comments--just in the last five hours--is blowing me away. How did you all do that?

I am crying right now; I am so touched. Thank you all so, so much! I will get back soon to reply to each of you individually.
dear sweet marj, i think if you really want to respond to your commenters, that is of course so loving of you. but i really want to say too, that i think it's truly ok if you don't. you don't owe us anything for loving you.

sometimes i think when we've grown up in abusive environments, we believe so strongly that we have to earn love. that other people's love for us is conditional. and i'm pretty sure i speak for my fellow readers of your blog when i say that we love you no matter what. and it's ok to just have our comments, without feeling the need to give back anything in return. to take them in, to feel that we care for you, and to sit with that and let it hopefully help work towards kicking out those abusive thoughts that still linger in your mind.

i hope one day you will feel free of such thoughts. you are a worthy and lovable human being. and it is obvious you are loved deeply. ((more safe hugs)) :)
Dear one, you are special to us, that is why the outpouring..... ((((Marj)))
I'm so very sorry for what you're going through right now. I understand what you mean by how you feel at the "CORE" of your being...and as much as you logically know you are so good, and you deserved parents who loved you, when emotional mind, and the children take over, it doesn't matter what you know "logically" - because you can't see it, or feel it.
I often wish I was like a computer, just take out my hard drive and reprogram me...but that can't happen...
The battle you're facing is hard, and it sucks, and it hurts more than anything you can even imagine...just breathe this minute.
I am here, listening, and I hear your pain and struggles. You are such an inspiration to so many survivors, myself included. So now, let those you inspire be there for you....
~ Grace
Marj, I can't even imagine the intense pain you are feeling now. I can only offer you my prayers. You are doing such a courageous thing by connecting all of us "out there" in the world to you here at your blog. You have given so many people hope when they had none. They care what happens to you. I care what happens to you. Keep strong in your journey. I know you will find peace!!!!!
Safe hugs.
I care about you. You have enormous amounts of courage. And strength. It may not feel like it right now. But you are a survivor. And you will thrive.

I am sorry for your pain.
Wow. Again. You guys are amazing. I'm not sure I realized some of what's been said here. It's nice to see it in front of me--in black and white. I can't begin to thank you enough for your heart-felt words.
Safe hugs my friend. You are cared for.
My heart hurts for you, and I do care about you. I also understand that soul belief that no one cares. I panic when people show they care because its still so hard to accept, I fear its not real and that it will end.

You are brave and I am grateful that you share your story, as painful as it is to know.
Hig time Safe hug to you.Just in caes you did not notice I have a blog roll just for recovery blogs I have listed you on that roll and have linked back to you.
Wanda: YOU are a dear friend. Thank you.

Barbara/Layla: So nice to "see" you again. Thanks for your kind, supportive words.

Mike: I didn't know you had a recovery blogroll. I'll have to check that out. Thanks!
Oh Marj,

This must be excruciatingly painful to try and process all that junk. It's so horrendous to think of the many ways in which our abusers messed with our heads (never mind, in your case, trying to actually kill you.)

I wish you well as you continue hanging in there. You can do this in wee little wobbly baby steps. Just deal with it as you are able. And counteract each thought of "no one cares about me" with each of these wonderful comments from your concerned readers!
I just wanted to say hi and tell you that you are not alone. You have come so far- I am sure you will make it through to the end of this. It is painful- but not impossible.
It's not right what happened to you. I admire your strength in facing to it. That takes so much courage.

Marj, those of us who read your blog regularly can't help but care about you. You are one of the reasons that I took the final step of starting to write about my own incest experiences on my blog. Writing about my experiences was my intent when I started my blog but my fear kept me from taking that step in the beginning. Your courage in writing about your experiences gave me the courage to write about my own experiences.

Why do we care so much about you? Because you care. You are an inspiration to me.
Marj, I am sorry for what you are going through. I care about you and so do all these other people commenting here. Safe hugs.
Sweet Sweet Marj,
My heart is there with you all of the parts of you. You do matter, you always matter.
I am so very very sorry for your pain.

Just the other day I talked to my T. about the fact that here I am remembering things after all of these years, things about my mother.
Why, why now?
He said because I wasn't ready then.
He also said Mother memories come later because they are the hardest.
MY ♥ is with you.
OK, I am offically furious with your parents and would like to shake them until thier tiny little brains rattled around in their heads and then smack them both and put them away for life.
So sorry this happened to you. This is the first time I've been on your blog, but beleive I care about you and what happened to you and with tears in my eyes, I pray for your healing, to be whole and feel loved.
Another outpouring of support--even from some folks who are new to commenting here. Thank you all so much!
It breaks my heart when I see parents treating their children like this. Children are the most precious part of creation, and I can think of no greater crime than when parents betray them so. It is hard when these memories surface, but I admire your courage in facing them. And by the way, you do have value and you are significant.
Peter: Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. "Children are the most precious part of creation..." Well said. I so totally agree.

JIP: Thanks for those hugs.
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