July 21, 2009
A Systematic Breaking of The Spirit
I'm going through the "Realization Stage"--Yeah, I get it. This happened to me. And it really felt that bad.--on several counts. One is that it was very systematic, my parents' way of breaking my spirit. And, although I was not abused by members of a cult, my parents did utilize some brain washing, mind control-type techniques.
The memory I retrieved recently was something they forced me to say: "Nobody cares about me." and "Nobody cares what happens to me."
This comes on the heals of a memory that I've been working on--on and off--for literally years. My father, on many occasions, tried to drown me in the bathtub. Sometimes it was a joke of his. Sometimes it was a life-or-death struggle to survive. It didn't think my mother knew about these near-death torture situations. But, she did.
For so long, it's been hard enough to break through my denial and accept the realization that she was aware of all the sexual abuse my father forced on me. I figured she was okay with sexual acts that she did not want to be obligated to perform herself. But, now I have to face the fact that this monster man who was my father could have done anything to me. He could have killed me. He could have done anything his twisted mind could think up and my mother would do nothing to step in and protect me.
This is so final. So infinite. Nobody cares what happens to me. Nobody cares...no matter what.
The worst part is how much I still believe it. This is such a core belief.
It is seared to my soul.
I don't know what it is going to take to undo it. I don't know if it is possible to erase it. My logical mind knows that people now care about me. But, this was ingrained into my very being. My gut, my heart, my soul are taking a lot longer to reprogram the message.
I'm doing my best to comfort parts right now. But many of them are just about inconsolable. The anguish is huge. If I don't get around to some blogs for a while, please forgive me. I am just in the depths of grief right now.
I think as you talk and share more, with yourself and others, it will start to shift inside. It may help for others, me perhaps, to say that I read what your father (and mother) did to you and got sick to my stomach. It may help for you to hear that I feel sorry for the little girl who had all these bad things happen to her.
I know it feels like it's seared into your soul. And in a certain sense it is. But you are changing this. You know how to soothe. You do have a logical mind.
You do matter to so many people. Just think of how many people you have brought comfort and peace to with this blog.
I wish you find more comfort and peace soon. *hugs*
You know I am sincere when I say, ((((safe hugs)))) to you and I am here sitting and listening with you and you are being heard and you DO DO DO have people that care about you, I being one!!!
i can relate to what you're saying about how difficult it is to eradicate these abusive messages we were taught. i know it doesn't quite fix it just to have people in your life who do care. it's like the message is imbedded somehow and despite evidence to it's contrary, it holds on irrationally, regardless of the care that surrounds you.
i know i'm only one voice and this may not be that helpful, but i care about you. the moment i saw on my dashboard that you were struggling, i thought, oh no, sweet marj. and i wanted to be sure to be here for you to give you support. sending healing thoughts and wishes your way~~ ((safe hugs))
I am crying right now; I am so touched. Thank you all so, so much! I will get back soon to reply to each of you individually.
sometimes i think when we've grown up in abusive environments, we believe so strongly that we have to earn love. that other people's love for us is conditional. and i'm pretty sure i speak for my fellow readers of your blog when i say that we love you no matter what. and it's ok to just have our comments, without feeling the need to give back anything in return. to take them in, to feel that we care for you, and to sit with that and let it hopefully help work towards kicking out those abusive thoughts that still linger in your mind.
i hope one day you will feel free of such thoughts. you are a worthy and lovable human being. and it is obvious you are loved deeply. ((more safe hugs)) :)
I often wish I was like a computer, just take out my hard drive and reprogram me...but that can't happen...
The battle you're facing is hard, and it sucks, and it hurts more than anything you can even imagine...just breathe this minute.
I am here, listening, and I hear your pain and struggles. You are such an inspiration to so many survivors, myself included. So now, let those you inspire be there for you....
I care about you. You have enormous amounts of courage. And strength. It may not feel like it right now. But you are a survivor. And you will thrive.
I am sorry for your pain.
You are brave and I am grateful that you share your story, as painful as it is to know.
Barbara/Layla: So nice to "see" you again. Thanks for your kind, supportive words.
Mike: I didn't know you had a recovery blogroll. I'll have to check that out. Thanks!
This must be excruciatingly painful to try and process all that junk. It's so horrendous to think of the many ways in which our abusers messed with our heads (never mind, in your case, trying to actually kill you.)
I wish you well as you continue hanging in there. You can do this in wee little wobbly baby steps. Just deal with it as you are able. And counteract each thought of "no one cares about me" with each of these wonderful comments from your concerned readers!
Why do we care so much about you? Because you care. You are an inspiration to me.
My heart is there with you all of the parts of you. You do matter, you always matter.
I am so very very sorry for your pain.
Just the other day I talked to my T. about the fact that here I am remembering things after all of these years, things about my mother.
Why, why now?
He said because I wasn't ready then.
He also said Mother memories come later because they are the hardest.
MY ♥ is with you.
So sorry this happened to you. This is the first time I've been on your blog, but beleive I care about you and what happened to you and with tears in my eyes, I pray for your healing, to be whole and feel loved.
JIP: Thanks for those hugs.
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