January 31, 2007
I guess we missed the January Blog Carnival. I'm so sorry. I swore to myself I would never let a month go by like that without a carnival.
I guess I've fallen down on the job. I certainly feel I've done the same with living up to the name "Thriver." That feels like a big, hideous joke to me right now. I think a name like "reeling, floundering basketcase" would be more descriptive at this point.
I think I've started to identify at least nine parts within me so far--14 if you count the original five "inner children" I started with almost a decade ago. Only a few are talking to me. Mostly, they wake me up at night with all the chatter. Sometimes it's like a town meeting with everyone yelling and trying to speak their piece at once. Sometimes it's two teenagers/young adults having a huge, loud gab fest. Other times it's like a negotiation or counseling session that I wake up and eavesdrop on. Sometimes they quiet down immediately when they realize I'm awake and aware. "Ssshhhh! She's listening!" Other times, I have to speak up, "Hhmmm hum...I'm trying to sleep here!"
The thing that's frustrating as hell is that it seems I'm almost always aware, at some level--I have very little complete amnesia--but I just don't seem to have any control! Aaarrggghh! My new therapist seems to think it is possible to have "parts" or "splits" but not have full-blown DID. Has anyone ever heard of that? I'm confused! I've never heard or read anything like that before! Excuse the swearing--but, Jesus Christ! I can't even do DID right! Not that I especially want to have DID. But, at least I know a little bit about that. And I know some people who are DID folks. At least then, I wouldn't feel so all alone.
At first I felt much calmer when I saw my new therapist. And, it was so refreshing to be with someone who seemed to know about this stuff and not be intimidated by it. I finally found someone who I didn't feel like a freak around. But, now...I just don't know. Does she really know what she's talking about?
I got so frustrated, nervous, desperate, doubtful and scared after my session on Monday and ended up having a huge fight with my husband. Some part--I believe--came out and got completely hysterical and then hateful and rageful with him. She ranted and raved for hours after he left. It was a miracle that I didn't self-harm, think of killing myself or run away again.
Then, what happened next was really out of this world--I spent the next two days being a man! This guy, who we are all dubbing, "Tough Guy" stepped in and decided to take control to keep everything quiet and everyone "in line."
Holy crap! That was bizarre! I woke up this morning and he was gone (or quiet, whatever). Even though he was a tyrant and scared everybody, I had kinda hoped he would stick around until my T session tomorrow so that she could meet him. Then, maybe, I could kinda get over this feeling that I continue to have: that I'm making all of this up.
My T wants me to sit down with each part and have scheduled times for interaction (so they don't keep waking me up instead) and she wants me to set certain ground rules with them. How the hell am I supposed to do that? These "people" just shove me aside like the guy who was out yesterday. My husband felt so rejected because this guy wouldn't hug him. It was like I was in the background--if that makes any sense--and I could see my husband through the fog. I just couldn't get to him to reassure him. Aaaahh! I feel more crazy and freakish than ever!
Anyway. Back to the blog carnival. I've had several people ask me about it. The problem is, I don't really know who's turn it is to host it next. At first, when I started the carnival, I wrote down everyone who offered to host, in the order that they came to me. Most of them have been hosts so far (except for one blogger who had some health issues to attend to): Scarlet Demon, ww, Mike and Lisa. But, I know there were at least two or three others. I have someone new who wants to host February's carnival, but I don't want to step on any toes. Is there anybody out there who really wants to host, who I seem to be forgetting? Let me know. Otherwise I'll let the blogger who e-mailed me go ahead and host in Feb. Thanks! And thanks for hanging in there with my reeling, blubbering self (selves). ;)
I know what you mean about feeling as if you're standing back watching a part take over.
When I was in therapy, my therapist wanted me to set boundaries with my parts. Like you, my response was, "How?" I still don't know. I can't get DID right either.
(By the way, my new blog can be found at http://bdreamer.squarespace.com/
Sounds as if you have the real deal, especially if a male part is coming out! Can you be just a little bit DID? I don't know. I've heard of that but don't know how that would work. Sounds too as if you're co-conscious like me.
My therapist wanted me to set boundaries with my parts and, like you, my response was, "How?" I'm not good at DID, either, so you're in good company--I think.
(This is my new blog addy.)
Yes, there can be splits or parts as you called them, they are known as fragments. We can very much identify what you are feeling, been there done that, ya know. Nothing you have said is unusual or odd to us so feel free to consider it all normal for one with MPD/DID, in our opinion anyway.
I do not know anything about the carnival. Would you mind explaining it to me?
Thank you and take care of yourself!
We all have times when life takes over and you have just had/are having one of those. Please be kind to yourself. One thing my therapist said to me was "show mercy to yourself" in that the same care you would show someone else in your position you should show yourself. I suspect like so many of us you are more tough on yourself then anyone else.
I am glad your therapist seems to be going well. its great to have someone you can trust and who is not scared away. Kia Kaha (stay strong)
I'll update about the blog carnival some more as soon as I can.
Take care and be kind to yourself and gentle
I haven't been through DID, but I do understand feeling and being overwhelmed by a flood of emotions and coming to grips with abuse related awarenesses. Give yourself lots of kudos n' kindness during this time...you deserve it!!
Thanx for visiting me again. Hugs of healing, S
It's been a weird month and I am soooo behind on reading blogs!
I wasn't multiple. But I felt fragmented. It was so useful to see the different parts of myself as distinct individuals even though it was never that I switched consciousness.
I believe this is a spectrum. We can fit anywhere along the line. And it's a survival mechanism. How better to survive profound abuse than to hide away parts of ourselves?
I decided I didn't care what it was called or what anyone thought it meant. I decided that I would welcome each new fragment, honor whatever it had done to help me survive and then see form an alliance where old patterns that weren't helpful were put aside as I showed the fragment newer and better strategies. Eventually I was able to picture merging in every fragment so that all parts of me where there and happy and able to be a whole person.
I share that in case any of it is useful to you. As I said, I told my counselor point blank that I didn't want labels and didn't care what anyone might think they met. What mattered was this was what I was dealing with and feeling my way through the process of finding solutions. Thank God he let me do that!
Links to this post: