September 01, 2006


Biting Into A Bitter Onion Layer

Here's a Secret: Right now I'm not thriving. I feel like shit. I've hit a depression the likes of which I haven't seen for at least three years.

It's 2am. I'm back to wanting to sleep all day but not being able to sleep at night. Yeah, the depression monster really snuck up on me this time and bit me hard in the ass. It's got ahold of my right butt cheek and it's not letting go.

Now that I'm thinking about it, there were some warning signs. The first sign I got was when I realized that the honeymoon phase was over from summer vacation and my son's trip to the special ed camp. He was on such a high when we picked him up, the beautiful little guy. And Mom and Dad felt great too, after our first real vacation sans child in almost nine years.

The transition into the new school year has been hell. My poor precious punkin' is already saying stuff like "I suck!" and "I don't want to learn to read and write; I'm not gonna get a job when I grow up."

Yeah, I watched in horror as the bloom fell off that rose and immediately turned to dust.

At first, I thought I was getting a virus--you know, one of those that circulates and gets brought home after all the kids are flung back together for the new school year. I was feeling so many aches and pains and the headaches were making me feel nauseated.

A neighbor friend who's a massage therapist found some huge knots in my shoulders and neck. It wasn't a virus, I was just really locked up. The next day I tried to get around to some blogs and I was deeply affected by some of the sharing posts. I went from slightly weepy to wracking bouts of sobbing.

I tried comforting myself with warm, herbal tea. I tried meditating in front of my peaceful fountain. I tried doing my grounding exercises when I found myself easily triggered.

Then, yesterday, I was almost completely incapacitated with depression. I could barely move.

If I don't get around to your blog for a while, please forgive me. Or, I may visit but not feel up to commenting. I want you all to know, tho, that I'm proud of us. We are doing our part to break the cycle by stopping the silence and silencing the shame. This is important to me and I certainly won't let it die.

I may just need to lay low for a while. I'll be working out some detail on medications, for myself and my son.

I will try my darndest to get over to the Silence The Shame site and post a couple of links to some brave ladies who are sharing about their rape experiences. Keep rising up, courageous ones! Oh yeah: And I'm really impressed with the support going on over there for sharers of secrets. I'll try my best to keep the comments posting at STS.

When I feel like this, I can't help feeling like a failure. Oh well. I know the recovery process is not a linear one. It's that damn onion thing our therapists always talk about. Guess I've just bit into a particularly bitter layer. As much as I feel like hiding and wishing people would just leave me alone, I must speak this truth: I don't want you to forget me while I'm off the radar screen.

Dear Marj,

I am starting from the end, how could we forget you? Be sure it won´t wont happen. You will be missed but not forgotten.

I am sory depression has caught you.
You know we all go through this, there are set backs on the healing path. You are not a failure, not at all. You have come here and wrote about it, and that is a lot.
Please try to be as patient and understanding with yourself as you would be with others in your situation. As you are with us.

Take much care.

Hi Marj - I am sorry that you are feeling so down lately and I am sorry about your son and his feelings as well.

To be honest, when I first started writing for a women abuse column and then my DV blog, I have to admit that I started to feel overwhelmed with all of it after awhile. There was a time when I thought to myself - I cannot do this. I don't want to do this anymore.

I had found peace and forgiveness within myself with my abuse and I just wanted to move on once and for all. Even though I was and still am spreading awareness - at one point in my life...I wanted to let go and just move on with it.

But instead...I took a long break from it all...I went FOUR months without writing in my blog - kept it published and active so others can read it, but I stopped writing, walked away, took a breath of fresh air, and just focused on other things.

And then...when I came back, I felt so much better and I was ready to start my mission in life to spread awareness about abuse once again!

Sometimes, we need to step back from all of this....we need to smell the roses, think of other things, do other things creative and inspiring in other ways.

I think that you are just feeling a sense of overwhelming and maybe you need a little "ME" Time to relax and smell the roses:-)
I went to your Silence the Shame blog and think that you are doing a fabulous job.

However, and I could only speak for myself - If I were to "Post a Secret" within the blog - I certainly wouldn't want others to comment about the secret. But that is just my opinion.

Is there a way you can let the Secreter decide whether they want comments or not?

I know that when I "say" something or "share" something that I just want to share and I am not looking for answers or comments.

That goes a lot with my husband...LOL I tell him, just listen...I am not looking for answers...I am just venting and sharing.
Marj, dear friend, I'm sorry you've hit a rough patch. I know sometimes we feel that we have to be infallable, particularly when we spend a lot of time supporting others. This is not so however, we are all human and all have our good and bad times. It's ok not to feel ok. I hope things ease for you soon, if I can do anything or if you need a friend you know my email address.
Take care xxxx
Thanks for the hugs and kind words.

Beachwriter: That sounds like a good idea to do. My brain is mush right now, but I'll figure it out and we'll do it before too long. Thanks
I hope you feel better soon Marj. We all go through depression. When you come out of it know we are all here waiting for ya. Be kind to yourself, and spoil yourself for awhile. What ever helps you relax and heal do it! You have to take care of you before you an help anyone else.

Know I am keeping you in my prayers.

just sitting with you hoping it gets better

Dreaming again said...

Marj, please know you're in my prayers, and I'm here if ya need me.

*hugs* and *prayers*

(cut and pasted because it contained an e-mail address I didn't know if she wanted public.)
Thanks, kind peeps. The love and caring really does make a difference.

I've gotten nowhere with my son's doctor's office, but maybe after the holiday.

BTW: I was able to get over to Silence The Shame! and put up those links to Dreaming Again and Moof. Please give them your support. Thanks
Oh Marj,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I felt compelded to write that post this morning. I know exactly what you feel by being locked up. But when I write, it helps take the guilt away, the shame, the anger.

Brian: Thanks for the hugs. Writing helps me immeasurably, too. As much as I'm dealing with some excruciating exhaustion, I was able to write a poem early this morning. It helped.

I have a comment to your post that I think will be long. As soon as I can get my energy level up a bit, I will e-mail it to you. Thinkin' 'bout ya!
Oh dear. Marj, I hope you feel better soon. WE WILL NOT FORGET YOU WHILE YOU TAKE A BREAK. That isn't how it works! We don't forget your contributions, your work, and your strong example. The end of summer has been hard on most people I know - not to minimize your personal experience - just know that you are definitely not alone. Please let us know if we can help. I second Breeya's sentiment: "try to be as patient with yourself as you would be with another." It's hard, but you have a great network to remind you of this as often as necessary. Take care. We're here, even if you're not for a bit :)

(PS - No worries about posting my last comment! I wouldn't have sent it if I didn't expect you to do so. Sharing is the whole point in this. Thanks for respecting my words :) )
((((Marj))) Take gentle care of you.

{{{{ Marj }}}}} you have been such an inspiration to us, your strength and courage are gifts for certain. You have been there supporting us... now we get to show our appreciation and be your strength while going through this phase. It's what we all need to do... band together, and hold each other up when we can't hold ourselves up.
That damn depression bug sucks, quite literally. Take a break, step back, meditate, and be gentle to you. We are all thinking of you.
Hi Marj

no way will we forget you, no way. hang tough and so what you ahve to for yourself, you can't help us unless yout ake care of yourself first!!! we've all been there, fighting bouts of despression so we all know how you feel. Know that all of us out here care and want you to we are here for you.

peace, blessings and hugs

Hi Marj

I've not been well recently and was in hospital with pregnancy complications. Sorry I've not been about to support STS. I think it is a good idea and I will be sharing soon.

Depression is an evil. It pretends to be your friend before smothering you with its intensity until you can hardly breathe. You've won it out before and you will win over it again. Have faith and don't put pressure on yourself with timescales.

Recovery is an onion and it takes a lifetime to unpeel. Sometimes the layers are rotten and sometimes the layers come off easy and cleanly. The bad times show just how good the good times are.

Hold on in there.


Your sweet, comforting words are making me cry. Thank you all so much.
I understand about the depression coming over you and I don't really have any advice, other than take care of yourself.

I really hate it when depression lays me out flat, unable to function. No will to take care of business. A lot of the time I feel like I'm either running scared from the depression that I know is coming or I am simply incapacitated by it.

Please take care. Cry if you need to. Feel bad if you need to. But keep moving and eventually you will be above-water again.

I'm sorry for all that has happened recently to bring on a bout of depression. You are in my thought and I hope that you will have some respite from this terrible illness soon.

You are an amazing mother to your son, and even though I am not exactly religious I truly pray for both of you that things will work out well with his schooling and his life.

This blog is great, as is your other site. Thank you for being so open and for doing so much to foster trust and healing in so many survivors.

love Bubby
I often feel forgotten..easily forgotten.
Your son could stand to hear all the things he is good at. He would do well to hear all the areas where he has improved and things he is able to do on his own. You could stand to hear that it's okay to fall and it's okay to have old symptoms that just appear "out of the blue". You could stand to hear that you have support from complete strangers. It is no secret, the people that comment on your journal do so because we know your recovery is important and you allowing us to be part of it is a gift from you. You are worth it and you are worth making it to where your life does not hurt at such a high level.

Trust me, when you get back your readers will still be here.

Austin of Sundrip Journals
Brewerburns: Nice to "see" you again. Yep, yesterday was a struggle just to stay out of the bed...but I did it. I'm like Dorie on "Finding Nemo." I just keep swimmin'.
Wow, Bubby! Thanks for visiting and for your kind, supportive comment. You're like one of the only people from the boards who I don't know as a regular blogger who has actually visited and commented here. Thank you so much.
Austin: Wise words. I feel a bit better today so maybe I can put some of that into place.

...and I could NEVER forget you. That's not possible. Sometimes I just get bogged down in my own shit, that's all.
Marj: Please hang in there! I could never forget you! I value your friendship, support, input and inspiration immensely. I am here if you need to talk.

I will be praying for you.
Take care of you, Hope Forus
Hi Marj,

We've been having trouble with our new internet DSL. It's been out off and on for a week. Not happy. Which means no e-mails. :(

Anyway, we bought a digital camera last weekend and have some pictures up on Diane's blog.

I hope you are feeling better, and I wish I could do something other than words. :)
Hope & Brian: Thanks for your supportive sweetness! :) We finally got some movement with the doctor's office for my son and I'm really trying to do some self-care for me (plus some other stuff I'll get into later, maybe). So, although I still feel exhausted and worn down to a nubbin, I'm feeling a little more hopeful. ;)

Depression sure has a way of slipping up on us. You need to take some time to take care of yourself! Never feel that you are a failure. You have helped so many of us deal with so many things.

Please take care of yourself!
Thinking of you....
Marj, sorry I haven't been over..I have had such a hard time accessing this thing...I am on beta blogger now..I found the most fabulous poem that has helped me to express some of my past etc and who I am...if you feel up to it..swing by and read it..I think the woman who wrote it was amazing as she basically wrote about me..
I have been wanting to work through my stuff..and I can relate to you as I worry about being bogged down if I spend to much time working through etc.
you must consentrate on your health and well being .be well. take care.
thinking of you.
Wanda & Dr. Deb: Thanks for stopping by with the thoughts and hugs. They truly help!
Quinn: Hey, nice to "see" you. I'll try to get over and read that poem.
Morning Marj,

How are you doing? I think about you often. I have this ability to wall off segments of myself when I am busy and focus on one thing. Right now I am focused on 9/11 and the tribute posts for project 2996.

But you are never far from my thoughts. I have been busy with work, and with Diane, and with writing two books.

But you and your works sneak up on me; and that's ok, because friends are always there for you. There is light in your world, yoy only have to read the comments listed here.

I have found writing in the 2996 project to be uplifting. Yes reading the posts of those lost has been moving, but healing at the same time.

Take care my friend.
Brian: You're right: that has definitely been the brightest spot during this dark time--the wonderful supporters who have lifted me up. THANK YOU ALL! :)
I often go through cycles like the one that you described. I think that its a part of the PTSD. I'm glad I'm not the only one, but I hope that this funk doesn't last too long.
Karma: Thanks for visiting and offering your support. I've been meaning to check out your blog more--I'll get over there.
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