September 20, 2006


More Trauma Processing--Yippeeee!

I haven't slept well in several nights. The nightmares are getting really bad. The focus is on torture. They are some of the worst I've had in my life. It's to the point where, if I try to take a nap during the day, I have a nightmare then, too. I'm not coping well with daily life. I feel on edge and afraid.

One blog commenter said that, if I take care of myself, I'll be in a better position to mother my son. I've decided that I agree.

I realize the trauma areas that I still have yet to process adequately are:
  1. My mother's participation in my rape
  2. My father's sadistic torture and "mind control" tactics
  3. Additional assaults by additional perp(s)

I'm going to be gone for the next couple of weeks while I'm in a trauma treatment program. Since I'm not suicidal or liable to run away in a dissociative fugue this time, I'm going to do an intensive outpatient program and stay at a nearby hotel. It's not the peaceful retreat I dream of, but it's the closest I can find. It's 12 hours away. I'll try to get online at least a couple of times while I'm gone. You'll all be in my thoughts. Healing vibes sent my way and cyber hugs are greatly appreciated!


I will be thinking of you.. take care of YOU. I am here if you need anything. Please remember that. Keep your head up, and stay strong.


i hope it helps you feel better and heal a alot

((((Marj))) Know you will be in my prayers and my thoughts. Please let us all know when you can how you are doing.
Dear Marj

you will be in our prayers and thoughts even more than you are now!!!
we understand your pain, in too many ways. We send you peace, love and hugs, LOTS OF ALL so you don't run out.

peace to you


I am sorry nightmares are gettiing this bad. I understand how hard it must be, and how daily life becomes difficult, even impossible, to manage.
I also agree that taking care of yourself is very important, that it will be better for your son as well. I think will make motherhood more rewarding as well, as when you find difficult to cope with everyday life evryhting becomes a burden, even your loved ones.

I hope this two weeks go well.
You are processing some very hard, very heavy stuff.

I will pray, and hug, and hold you close in my heart and thoughts. You will heal. I know it.

Love Brian.
Dear marj

in case you get a chance to read your comments know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. peace, blessings and many hugs

Good luck. I will be thinking of you.
Hi Marj,

Just checking in with you and I hope you are doing as well as you can. I know you are strong, and what happened was not you fault. (((hugs)))
oh sweetheart, we know how it is.
we'll all be here when you get back.
We're going through crap ourselves right now. therapy is rough as all get out and we have dissociated our heads off left and right. suicidal feelings have popped up more than once as has self injury type stuff. so trust me when i say we know how it is with pressing issues.


I am SO happy you have sought additional help. I really hope it is what you need to equip yourself with the coping mechanisms you need to deal with those three really horrific issues you mentioned. I am glad you are just concentrating on yourself and dealing with that and nothing else. I really think it is what you need.

I am thinking of you from the UK and wishing you well.

(((healing hug)))
I also suffered from nightmares for years. I had tried to avoid taking medication to help with them, but when I did, it helped a lot. I take Xanax or Restoril or something just to help me relax because the more tense that I am, the more likely that I'll have a nightmare.

Also, I did cognitive behavioral therapy with someone who specialized in sleep issues. There is also these great tapes you can listen to while falling asleep by Bellaruth Naperstek (guided imagry) for people with PTSD.

Good luck!
My prayers and thoughts are with you hope all is going as well as can be expected, take care of yourself and we miss you.
Hey bloggers: I'm still alive. It's Sunday, October 1st. (I actually know what the date is for the first time in days, lol!) I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping (still) and getting online, so I'm just posting a couple of comments and this return one. Ithink this is a good program and I'm in a good, safe place. I hope to give a fuller update before I return, if the cyber gremlins let me. THANK YOU ALL for your kind words of support and encouragement...and for those cyber hugs I asked for. It means so much to me that you all care.
I am so happy you are okay! Thank you for letting us know.

Thanks for the update Marj. I am glad you are hanging in there and you know you have my full support. I check back every day. (((hugs)))

So much of what you had told me in the past about your childhood seems to be coming to the forefront for you now. This must truly be the time for you to win this war! I'm so happy you are in a good program and a safe place to start this battle. I'm sending you all the love and encouragement I can!

Liz McCleary
glad it is a good place and that you got a chance to write! we will send more hugs asap!!! take care and it will get better.

peace, blessings and many hugs!!

Tuesday,October3: Iwilltry to get back to individualcomment soon. I appreciate them all! I am now trying to use the computer in the "business center" of my hotel and the space bar doesn'twork well (can yatell?) But want totell all you kind, caring peeps that I'm in the trauma program in Dallas, TX started by Colin A. Ross (kinda a trauma guru) and I even had a personal session with him yesterday. I'm learning a lot and getting in touch with feelings (OOOOHH, scary--but cathartic and helping alot, Ithink). I'll be home by next Monday. I'm feeling stronger and getting some great insights and wonderful, everyday-useful tools here. I'llbe in touch soon.
Great big warm loving {{{{hugs}}}} so good to hear from you and that you are in a safe place, as we know that does makes such a difference to the healing process...hang in there
Hi Marj,

You sound upbeat and healthy. The program seems to be doing well for you. Can't wait to see you when you get home.
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you. I hope it's going ok.
Take care
*Many hugs*

glad to heat that you feel it is useful!! colin Ross!! how was he? you know, first impression and all that?
sorry, being nosey aren't we? Sounds like you are really upbeat which is good!!!! Thinking of you everyday.

peace and gentle hugs

Good luck in the treatment. The mother issues is a tough one. Mother's are suppose to love and protect and when they don't it is so hard. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
10/8/06: Howdy, all! I'm finally using a computer that works (slow, but works). I can't express how much all the comments and hugs and well-wishes mean to me. This is rather lonely staying in a hotel, so the connection with you all is even more meaningful and appreciated.

I've had a major breakthrough of sorts and am feeling the exhaustion of "feeling the feelings." My therapist here and I agreed that I should stay on in the program a bit longer since I'm getting so much done (before I came here I felt exhausted with overwhelm, now I'm exhausted from doing all this damn hard work and finally getting in touch with all these emotions--I'll need a vacation from my "vacation" when I'm done! lol!). I'm staying in the outpatient program thru Wednesday and will use the drive time for transition to returning home.

Thank you all for continuing to check on me and sending your thoughts and prayers. You are all angels to me! :)
(((Marj))) I will be thinking about you. Stay strong!
Dear Thriver,

Im so sorry you are going through such awful nightmares! I just want you to know that I think you are so strong to go out there and get what you need. Its courageous , its assuring and its so strong of you to do so! I wish I had an ounce of you to have some treatment.

I hope you are doing well and that you know how wonderful you are ! Take Gentle Care!


Sounds like this is going even better than you anticipated!! congratulations!! bet you will need a vacation, you are doing darned hard work.

Peace, blessings and gentle hugs

(((Marj))) Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Dear Marj,

Sorry I haven't posted much here. A little hard for me to read.

I hope you are doing better. Sounds like you have had excellent care. Good.

Hope you are back soon.

so glad to hear you're doing well in the program. Thinking of you...

THANK YOU ALL, CYBER SUPPORT ANGELS! I APPRECIATE ALL THE HUGS! Since I can't seem to get on a computer that works really well and isn't slow as mollases (sp?) I think I'll wait until I get home to respond to individual comments and put up a new post. Just know that your connection to me, reaching through the internet, has meant the world to me! :)
I just wanted you to know that I'm still checking in here and I hope that you are doing well.
Hi marj,

It sounds that the progam is going well. I am so glad.
I tried to comment last week, or the week before? but blogger didnĀ“t let me.
Hope you keep getting better.

Take care of yourself Marj. You're doing the best thing that you can do for yourself.
Looking forward to your return marj, it sounds like you've made some good progress. Take care xx

Much love

Hi Marj,
it's Austin again
I just wanted to stop in and let you know I was thinking about you still and hoping that you will be able to quickly come to some sort of manageable ground.
We wish you well and hope to talk to you soon.
until again,
Thank you all for continuing to check in on me. I consider your friendship one of the greatest blessings of my life. You know, I'm one of those survivors who tends to isolate. Knowing that you're there and you care really helps me break out of that habit. THANKS!
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