December 08, 2009


The Torture Still Torments

Trigger Warning! Also some foul language in the content to follow:

I continue to struggle with the reality of torture in my childhood abuse. At first, I was convinced that the times I was sadistically tortured--when I was nearly suffocated in a plastic shower curtain for instance--was limited to times when my father flew into an uncontrolled rage.

Now I know the truth: Much of the time the torture was systematic and involved mind control and an attempt to completely break my spirit. It often involved forcing a young child into a "choice" situation. Here, I had to "choose" whether to save myself or my twin sister; whether to try to spare my sister pain and torture or allow her to be hurt. Of course, in these scenarios, the real existence of choice didn't exist at all. It was just a mind fuck, and a double, impossible bind.

I have to try and somehow wrap my brain around it, to come to terms with the fact that I was also abused by people outside of my immediate, biological "family." To my knowledge, these were not people involved with the occult or devil worship or any kind of religious-like rituals. Many times, I was "sold" to these individuals in order to perform sexual acts. But, it has recently become revealed to me through retrieved memories, that I was also forced into elaborately set-up torture scenarios (sometimes with my twin, sometimes not).

These scenarios were planned, carried out and viewed by sick individuals who enjoyed seeing a child in mental, emotional and physical anguish. Witnessing my torture is what they got off on. This is how they got their jollies. This is what they threw their heads back and laughed at. This is how they got their enjoyment.

There is still no excuse for it. But, I am really seeing now more clearly how people turn their heads and look the other way. I understand the horrors that people want to deny could ever happen to our children in our culture. No one wants to live in a world where this is even possible.

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I wish I was there to listen you and hug you.
It's hard to cope with this memories.
I truly believe you will overcome them with time.
Give yourself time to mourn. It's very important.
Love, love, love, love...
Oh, Sweet Ana, I am so touched by your thoughtful and loving comment. You make a good point. Mourning is important. I have been grieving. And with the grieving, the comforting I do seems to get in there and work better. Thanks so much for being you!
I am so VERY SORRY!!!
Thanks for saying that, JBR. I'm so sorry for the suffering you've had to endure as well. ((((((((hugs for us both))))))))!
This makes me sooo angry. Angry at anyone who would hurt a child or anyone vulnerable. I hate this. I remember being held and raped and punched so bad my spleen ruptured. Worse there were kids also being offered for torture. I hate this. Please be ok. Sarah
I can relate as well. I'm sorry that there is someone who can relate to my childhood. Good and healing thoughts to you.
Marj... I can't imagine what you are going through while retrieving all of these memories.

The pain is something that you can use for yourself though. Make sure you are allowing yourself to be mad, sad, etc. I think healing comes much faster when we do this in conjunction with the pain.

Hang in there, hun. I'm praying for you!
I'm okay, Sarah. Thanks for your concern and your caring comment. I'm grieving right now. AND I'm getting angry. That's the good part!

Kate: Yes, I'm sorry anyone could ever relate to this, too. Thanks for those good and healing thoughts. And also to you.
Hi, this is only the second time I've joined you here- I'm wondering why I've not been here more often...

In any case, I can relate to your story, too. My torture, tho, was via my own brother who, by virtue of his age, tortured in the only way a child, and then young teen can. Still, it was torture, no matter how it's dished. I think that many people don't just ignore what happens to us, they believe someone else will "do" something about it so they don't have to. It is a sociological phenom (I can't remember the term used). It stinks, tho, to think that generations of people don't "do" anything about it. I do, or at least I try to.

I'm sorry that your childhood was so dangerous and scary. Be well.
Sadly, you are right. Our society does not want to have to face the ugliness that is out there, for several reasons. People would have to re-evaluate their lives, and many choose not to or simply cant.
Its not fair. AT ALL! But it is a reality that is out there.

My friend.. I am sorry that you have such pain in your past. You are amazing in so many ways. Your resilliancy is amazing, and your spirit is inspiring.

I hope to get a email to you soon.
Lisa Marie: I agree. Thanks so much for those prayers!

Ivory: Well, thank you for stoppinb by. You're welcome anytime and I appreciate your comment. Today is a therapy day, so I'm working on the be well part!

Jade: Thanks for your support, encouragement and faith in me. It means a lot! I'll be looking forward to that e-mail.
Dropping by to give out more ((((((Marj))))))
I appreciate every hug and I so appreciate you, JBR.
At this stage of my life and of healing, there is no doubt in my mind that this underword of intentional child torture to force dissociation is the basis for "feeding" the lucrative child exploitation business. It's still difficult to grasp that mentality. I haven't given up on advocacy. It just seems not to go anywhere. It's so pervasive in society.

As for us survivors, it's still kinda day to day. Always wonder why I survived. I wish I hadn't so they couldn't use me into my 40s. All of it is so mindblowing.

Yet each little tiny recovery feels like a miracle and adds a pinch more to my life. Am constantly weighing the value of precious moments of life to decades of known and unknown horrors.

Huggggs to you my friend. OMG, today 12/11, is the anniversary date (in 1997) when I made my own government mind control connection. Your post reminds me of that shock of knowing that was the answer to my bizarre memories. Shock...still.
Hi Marj/Thriver,
I was working on an article today about the choice thing.. that the choice was never really given; it was just a sick game.
I don't think that I will ever understand these types of people but I do know that they won't get another minute of my life.

Thank you for your willingness to share your journey and your discoveries.

That's the trouble--it's so scary to believe that the things that happen to kids happen and are done by supposedly "respectable" people that so many just don't want to believe it could be true. (((((Hugs))))))
i'm so sorry that you had to endure such horrific experiences in your life. no person, let alone child should ever have to experience what you did. you are right, too many people turn away from this reality, closing their eyes to that pain. but thanks to people like you who tell their truth, and people who not only listen but care enough to be there for those of us who have experienced abuse, we are all making those steps towards changing this world. that is a thought that helps me.

wishing you peace in your heart, marj~
I think that there are three types of evil people out in the world. those that do the torture or commit the crimes, those that watch and encourage the person doing it and those that pretend nothing is wrong and look the other way. To me they are all as bad as each other. I am so so sorry you went through all that.
You are a Thriver. Its so hard to read this and know what you went through. I am sorry. I admire you for reaching out and sharing and therefore helping others.

sitting with you. I understand what you are saying completely. its so hard to cope with trying to wrap our minds around the 'sickness' that we were surrounded with..


I too look for a reason for the insanity of childhood violence. I have not found anything that can excuse it. Bless you my friend you are a true survivor.
I am so sorry. Hugs.
Wow! I haven't been to my blog since Friday and now I come here and see this outpouring of support. You will all never know how much it means to me. Today is another "extra" therapy day, but I will get back to reply to your comments individually as soon as I can. Bless you all!

You are right, psychological control was an important part of it for your abusers.

{{{{your twin}}}}
Kahless: Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness in coming back to this post and leaving me and my sister those hugs. You rock! :)
You rock too Marj ;-)
Marj, my heart feels so sad and heavy when reading about the torture that you and your twin went through. You are a miracle that you not only have survived this but have also gone on to thrive. I feel so much admiration for you. You are a shining example for the rest of us.
Hee hee! Kahless, I love you!

Patricia: Thanks for leaving these kind words here. I find them very comforting and uplifting. :)
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