December 08, 2009
The Torture Still Torments
I continue to struggle with the reality of torture in my childhood abuse. At first, I was convinced that the times I was sadistically tortured--when I was nearly suffocated in a plastic shower curtain for instance--was limited to times when my father flew into an uncontrolled rage.
Now I know the truth: Much of the time the torture was systematic and involved mind control and an attempt to completely break my spirit. It often involved forcing a young child into a "choice" situation. Here, I had to "choose" whether to save myself or my twin sister; whether to try to spare my sister pain and torture or allow her to be hurt. Of course, in these scenarios, the real existence of choice didn't exist at all. It was just a mind fuck, and a double, impossible bind.
I have to try and somehow wrap my brain around it, to come to terms with the fact that I was also abused by people outside of my immediate, biological "family." To my knowledge, these were not people involved with the occult or devil worship or any kind of religious-like rituals. Many times, I was "sold" to these individuals in order to perform sexual acts. But, it has recently become revealed to me through retrieved memories, that I was also forced into elaborately set-up torture scenarios (sometimes with my twin, sometimes not).
These scenarios were planned, carried out and viewed by sick individuals who enjoyed seeing a child in mental, emotional and physical anguish. Witnessing my torture is what they got off on. This is how they got their jollies. This is what they threw their heads back and laughed at. This is how they got their enjoyment.
There is still no excuse for it. But, I am really seeing now more clearly how people turn their heads and look the other way. I understand the horrors that people want to deny could ever happen to our children in our culture. No one wants to live in a world where this is even possible.
I wish I was there to listen you and hug you.
It's hard to cope with this memories.
I truly believe you will overcome them with time.
Give yourself time to mourn. It's very important.
Love, love, love, love...
The pain is something that you can use for yourself though. Make sure you are allowing yourself to be mad, sad, etc. I think healing comes much faster when we do this in conjunction with the pain.
Hang in there, hun. I'm praying for you!
Kate: Yes, I'm sorry anyone could ever relate to this, too. Thanks for those good and healing thoughts. And also to you.
In any case, I can relate to your story, too. My torture, tho, was via my own brother who, by virtue of his age, tortured in the only way a child, and then young teen can. Still, it was torture, no matter how it's dished. I think that many people don't just ignore what happens to us, they believe someone else will "do" something about it so they don't have to. It is a sociological phenom (I can't remember the term used). It stinks, tho, to think that generations of people don't "do" anything about it. I do, or at least I try to.
I'm sorry that your childhood was so dangerous and scary. Be well.
Its not fair. AT ALL! But it is a reality that is out there.
My friend.. I am sorry that you have such pain in your past. You are amazing in so many ways. Your resilliancy is amazing, and your spirit is inspiring.
I hope to get a email to you soon.
Ivory: Well, thank you for stoppinb by. You're welcome anytime and I appreciate your comment. Today is a therapy day, so I'm working on the be well part!
Jade: Thanks for your support, encouragement and faith in me. It means a lot! I'll be looking forward to that e-mail.
As for us survivors, it's still kinda day to day. Always wonder why I survived. I wish I hadn't so they couldn't use me into my 40s. All of it is so mindblowing.
Yet each little tiny recovery feels like a miracle and adds a pinch more to my life. Am constantly weighing the value of precious moments of life to decades of known and unknown horrors.
Huggggs to you my friend. OMG, today 12/11, is the anniversary date (in 1997) when I made my own government mind control connection. Your post reminds me of that shock of knowing that was the answer to my bizarre memories. Shock...still.
I was working on an article today about the choice thing.. that the choice was never really given; it was just a sick game.
I don't think that I will ever understand these types of people but I do know that they won't get another minute of my life.
Thank you for your willingness to share your journey and your discoveries.
wishing you peace in your heart, marj~
sitting with you. I understand what you are saying completely. its so hard to cope with trying to wrap our minds around the 'sickness' that we were surrounded with..
I too look for a reason for the insanity of childhood violence. I have not found anything that can excuse it. Bless you my friend you are a true survivor.
You are right, psychological control was an important part of it for your abusers.
Patricia: Thanks for leaving these kind words here. I find them very comforting and uplifting. :)
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