January 18, 2006
I Can Thrive, I Can Smile
Smile! Some days, as a sexual abuse survivor, it is hard to smile. If you wonder why, visit my website, survivorscanthrive.com. I used to get so annoyed because, over the years, I have been a target for the people I call "The Smile Police." I can laugh about it now, but it used to really bother me.
I recall the man I will always think of as the most abusive smile cop I've ever had to endure. I was in a store, looking over the products on the shelf and trying to make a purchase decision. I admit, I could easily have been dissociating (I did that a lot, out of pure habit, back in those days), but I clearly remember that I was not irritated or in a bad mood at the time. Suddenly, this stranger--this man--is in my face. "Smile!" he orders. "It's not that bad!" Many times in the past I've wanted to tell these people where to go. On this occasion, however, I was in a fairly tolerant and cheerful mood. So, I smiled and told the man, "Oh, I guess I'm tranced out looking at these shelf tags and trying to decide which item to buy." I thought he'd empathize or simply smile and walk away. No! To my great discomfort, the man became angry and accusing. "No!" he insisted. "You were frowning. I saw you!"
Oh, how many times--especially that particular time--I wanted to tell these smile cops what I really had to frown about. I wanted to scream out about the sexual abuse, violence and torture I had endured. Didn't I deserve to scowl for the rest of my life? How dare these people! I wasn't doing anything to bother them. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? I admit, at this point, I got pretty irate with this strange man. I looked him straight in the eye with what was now a definite glare of hatred on my face. "You know what?" I asked him. "It's none of your damned business!" That shut him up and gave me the chance to storm away. I was so upset about this bizarre interaction that I almost abandoned my shopping cart and left the store. I composed myself, however, and continued my shopping trip.
An encounter like this is something that I am sure fueled my long-held belief that I had "FREAK" stamped on my forehead. I am still convinced that predators of every type look for people who seem to advertise their victim status. This is one of the reasons why I decided, "No more!" No longer will I accept being a victim. Gone are the days that I am willing to be satisfied with simply being a survivor. I am now a thriver and I believe living well and thriving is the best protection and the best revenge.
If you are a survivor of abuse, you may be able to relate to the "freak tattoo." I think all survivors can have the tendency to isolate or hide. In the fourth stanza of my "A Day of Thriving" poem (located in the archives of my site's "Meditations" page) I state, "I don't isolate." This is a big change for me. On days when I'm thriving, I can use it as a barometer. On days when I'm feeling good about life and about myself--when I'm thriving--I can feel good about doing exactly what the poem says: "I go out and greet the day and others...With a smile!"
Don't smile because someone tells you to. Exercise some positive self-care, pampering and indulging in fun. Your smile will come out naturally. You'll feel good and you'll smile for the person who deserves it--you!
Copyright 2006 by Marj McCabe. All Rights Reserved.
I recall the man I will always think of as the most abusive smile cop I've ever had to endure. I was in a store, looking over the products on the shelf and trying to make a purchase decision. I admit, I could easily have been dissociating (I did that a lot, out of pure habit, back in those days), but I clearly remember that I was not irritated or in a bad mood at the time. Suddenly, this stranger--this man--is in my face. "Smile!" he orders. "It's not that bad!" Many times in the past I've wanted to tell these people where to go. On this occasion, however, I was in a fairly tolerant and cheerful mood. So, I smiled and told the man, "Oh, I guess I'm tranced out looking at these shelf tags and trying to decide which item to buy." I thought he'd empathize or simply smile and walk away. No! To my great discomfort, the man became angry and accusing. "No!" he insisted. "You were frowning. I saw you!"
Oh, how many times--especially that particular time--I wanted to tell these smile cops what I really had to frown about. I wanted to scream out about the sexual abuse, violence and torture I had endured. Didn't I deserve to scowl for the rest of my life? How dare these people! I wasn't doing anything to bother them. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? I admit, at this point, I got pretty irate with this strange man. I looked him straight in the eye with what was now a definite glare of hatred on my face. "You know what?" I asked him. "It's none of your damned business!" That shut him up and gave me the chance to storm away. I was so upset about this bizarre interaction that I almost abandoned my shopping cart and left the store. I composed myself, however, and continued my shopping trip.
An encounter like this is something that I am sure fueled my long-held belief that I had "FREAK" stamped on my forehead. I am still convinced that predators of every type look for people who seem to advertise their victim status. This is one of the reasons why I decided, "No more!" No longer will I accept being a victim. Gone are the days that I am willing to be satisfied with simply being a survivor. I am now a thriver and I believe living well and thriving is the best protection and the best revenge.
If you are a survivor of abuse, you may be able to relate to the "freak tattoo." I think all survivors can have the tendency to isolate or hide. In the fourth stanza of my "A Day of Thriving" poem (located in the archives of my site's "Meditations" page) I state, "I don't isolate." This is a big change for me. On days when I'm thriving, I can use it as a barometer. On days when I'm feeling good about life and about myself--when I'm thriving--I can feel good about doing exactly what the poem says: "I go out and greet the day and others...With a smile!"
Don't smile because someone tells you to. Exercise some positive self-care, pampering and indulging in fun. Your smile will come out naturally. You'll feel good and you'll smile for the person who deserves it--you!
Copyright 2006 by Marj McCabe. All Rights Reserved.
Comments:
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Well I don't always, Anita. That's for sure. But, thanks for visiting, leaving a comment AND giving me a chance to read this old post again. Smiles to you!
You might have felt like there was a "Freak" tattoo on your head that day, but I'm thinking it was the strange guy at the store who had one of those!
Learning to be able to smile...and doing it on your own terms. Priceless!
Learning to be able to smile...and doing it on your own terms. Priceless!
Found you through the Blog carnival against Child Abuse... I will be your newest follower.. I think my sense of humor is what saved me. I have always got a quick response for nearly every situation..
Tracie: That sounds a bit like a credit card commercial, but I love it! Thanks!
Angel: Thanks so much for reading the carnival entries and coming over here to this old post. I'll have to come over and check out your blog and that sense of humor of yours. I always appreciate a good sense of humor. :)
Angel: Thanks so much for reading the carnival entries and coming over here to this old post. I'll have to come over and check out your blog and that sense of humor of yours. I always appreciate a good sense of humor. :)
I often tell people that my husband and I have been married for so many years because we both have a wonderful sense of humor. I often smile at others but the audacity of that man to walk up and demand that you smile. He is lucky that wasn't me on one of my really bad days. I might would have been tempted to smack him over the head for his abusive attitude. Smiling should come natural because you are having a joyful day not because someone demands that you smile. Loving hugs to you.
Patricia: That's the ironic thing, really: I think most of us survivors have learned how to act crazy, be silly and keep a good sense of humor to get beyond all the suffering. I like your attitude! ;)
Colleen: Maybe we should print T-shirts and wear them that say: "I smile when I want to and NOT for the smile police" LOL! Glad you liked the post. I'll have to dig around your blog and find the one that you wrote on the topic.
Colleen: Maybe we should print T-shirts and wear them that say: "I smile when I want to and NOT for the smile police" LOL! Glad you liked the post. I'll have to dig around your blog and find the one that you wrote on the topic.
wow, marj~ what an excellent post!!! i used to get so angry at people who told me to "lighten up" or "cheer up". it seemed so rude and insensitive to me. if i wasn't happy and they were perceptive enough to recognize that, how could they possibly think that ordering me to lighten or cheer up was actually going to help - or work! as though i could help it. but you're right too, we can help it. we can make ourselves happy. but not because smile police tell us to. but because we deserve to :)
safe hugs and love to you~ thank you for sharing this in the carnival. i might have missed this otherwise!
safe hugs and love to you~ thank you for sharing this in the carnival. i might have missed this otherwise!
Thanks for reading this old post, Katie. I appreciate you coming over here to read this oldie but goodie! ;)
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