February 21, 2009


Up and Down, In and Out

Whew! The last week has been a roller coaster ride. Up and down. In (as in closed in) and out (as in reaching out) again. As you may have seen from my last quicky post, my computer crashed. (I'm temporarily using a very, old and slow laptop my husband dug out for me--sure am glad he didn't donate or recycle it!)

My desk-top computer started acting really weird and then I think it got a virus. I noticed the weird activity, so asked my husband to put a bunch of my files on a flash drive. I also printed out hard copies of a lot of my poetry and writing for my some-day book. I guess I'm just old fashioned; I like having a nice, secure hard copy of things that may be irreplaceable.

Getting my files saved before my computer crashed was a mixed blessing. One of the things I found on my hard drive was a dissociative rant. It occurred around the end of August, beginning of September, last year. It was before I wrote about the dissociative period in this post here, and later, in this post here. I found new files that had been opened, with strange file names I could not recall. I also found some rants and incongruous writings within some of my existing files of poetry, quotes, book draft, etc. The ranting just went on and on and didn't seem to have any organization to it. I don't remember writing any of it.

Creepy feeling. Damn! I hate the feeling I get when I am forced to stand face-to-face with evidence of my extreme dissociation. It leaves me feeling like a freak, an outcast, a laughing stock, etc. etc. Stinkin' Thinkin' blah!

Then another incident occurred that was also a mixed blessing. I had thought I had found a group of people to meditate with and it turned out to be an unhealthy group (I won't go into the details). I went to a Sunday brunch event outside of the regular meditation time, and it turned out to be a big sales pitch for something affiliated with this group.

Wait just one cotton-pickin' minute! Don't sell to me, don't try to manipulate me, don't misrepresent things or lie to me. I don't like it! And, now--after years of therapy--I will tell you just that!

I then did some research and found out that this group is definitely my definition of unhealthy. I was on the Internet right when the "sales rep" called me up to follow up on the Sunday event. I saw his name and number on my caller i.d. I almost blew it off because I didn't want to confront. Then I started laughing out loud. What a coincidence--or serendipity, or synchronicity--just when I was reading some unpleasant things about this group and making my mind up to stay away from these people, I get a call from one of them! Ha! I decided that, not only was it funny, it was an opportunity to practice my assertiveness skills and keep myself safe.

I got on the phone and the caller asked if I had a few minutes to talk. "Sure," I said, "But, I don't think you're going to like what I'm going to say." I then went on to tell this man that I felt manipulated, sold to, etc. and that I did not like it. I also told him that I would no longer be meditating with the group and to take me off of their call list.

Yay, me! I was very disappointed to find out that something that I had found that I thought would be healthy for me was not, but I managed to confront, be assertive, take care of myself and keep myself safe. I guess there has been progress with all my therapy after all.

So, what does all this mean? I means motivation for another poem, of course! I wrote about my inner child coming out of exile on my dot com site under the Healing Moments page. It existed in prose form until I made a poem out of it. With my computer not working, I had to sketch it out on paper. But, I like the results.

Out of Exile

No crying myself back to sleep
from this nightmare
peace, opening
vast landscapes, possibilities
crisply, now in view.

Vulnerable energy
open, alive
frees a child from exile;
her battened-down isolation
left behind.

So trusting she was
it frightened me,
but I reached in to touch
her curdled scars;
beautiful as her dimpled smile.

She's all of it;
she's joy and pain,
gain, loss, hate and love.
They tell me
she's my inner child,
not someone
my parents could ever recognize.

Copyright 2009 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved

Now that I have use of at least some slow sort of computer, I'll try to get around to some blogs and the Child Abuse Survivor Network and say hello. See ya around the blogosphere!

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February 17, 2009



My computer has crashed! I am using my son's computer. But, I don't really know how to use his Mac, so I probably won't be around for a while. I'll check back as soon as I can.

Update, 2/19/09: I'm now using an old laptop of my husband's that he dug out for me. It's tiresome and slow, but it works. Not sure what's gonna happen with my PC. I'll try to get around to other bloggers and make some replies, but it will be slow. Also, note that we have a new host and a new edition date for our next BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. (See the widget on the sidebar.) Start getting those submissions ready, folks! :)

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February 10, 2009


Diggin' In The Dirt

Dealing with a lot of mucky guck these days. You know, I don't go looking for this crap--it usually sneaks up and bites me in the butt--but, I'm glad I now have my therapy shovel to help dig myself out when I need to.

I mentioned the Coach Creative Space ning/network a couple of posts back, right? Well there's a pretty active group of people writing poetry on there. There's even a group that writes haiku. I've only dabbled in this form of poetry. Since I'm a nature nut, it's a good fit for me. And the short form can be very powerful.

I wrote a poem a few days ago about digging dirt. You can take it either way: It's a poem about connecting to the earth through gardening; and/or It's a poem about "digging up" memories, etc. in the process of healing. I guess I'm still in the throes of the "both/and" of life.

Digging Dirt

I am digging dirt
the earth, it does connect me
scent of remembrance

Copyright 2009 Marj McCabe~All rights reserved.

I hadn't thought about it in a long while. But, this poem reminded me of a Peter Gabriel song. Back when I really started dealing with my child abuse--and my inner child--in therapy, I couldn't connect with any feelings I had about my abuse and about that little girl I used to be. I think her pain just scared me too much at first.

My therapist at the time wanted me to do some anger work. Me, angry? No way! I don't have feelings, right?
Well, one of the ways I finally got in touch with some anger is to listen to music, especially music that had lyrics that spoke to me. I remember listening to lot of Sarah McLachlan at the time. And I would listen to Peter Gabriel's "Digging in the Dirt" over and over until I got in touch with that anger. I like the lyrics, "Digging in the dirt. To find the places we got hurt." Yeah.

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February 06, 2009


Our Blog Carnival Turns 21, Sort Of

Nancy, over at Heal & Forgive, tipped me off that this February installment is the 21st edition of our BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE! Holy cow, already? It seems hard to believe. I started this blog carnival back in June of 2006. Now, our most recent edition is up at Nancy's blog here. Nancy's a new host for our carnival. It's the first time in a while that we've had a new host and I'm excited about it.

This is an excellent carnival. It's got lots of new participants, links to 18 posts and a big concentration of articles in the Healing & Therapy category. We survivors are working hard at healing aren't we? Yay for us!

Please take a spin over at the carnival and leave supportive messages for the participants at their blogs, won't you? And, if you've participated in our carnival before, please consider hosting an edition. I'm looking for new hosts and...the next one could be YOU! Thanks for the support--you wonderful child abuse survivor community.

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