January 27, 2009
Speaking of productive: Get ready, because this is post is going to be "linky lunacy!" Links ahead! As you may notice, I switched back to my old Blogger template format. I got all my widgets, awards and avatars back. It's funny, really. Just when I was feeling down and winter-weary, I got two awards that look to be quite similar. I didn't have any luck getting either of these awards graphics to post (here or on my sidebar/template), so go to the post where the bloggers who awarded them talk about the awards, okay?
This first one is from Teresa Lynne who writes Teardrops on Roses, which you can link to on my sidebar. She also writes a blog called The Write Way, which is where I received the award. It's called a "Triple Award." Wow! Cool! Thanks, Tery! The other one comes from Mile 191 at Come Into My Closet. This award is called the "Lemonade Award." Both of these awards are supposed to go to awardees who show great attitude and/or gratitude. I'm glad Tery and Mile 191 don't think I'm a whiney wiener all the time! Thanks!
I'll have to get up my nominees for this award later, otherwise this will be a really long post.
The second linky-related thing I want to mention is a couple of network "ning" groups I've joined recently. Ever heard of those? They are pretty cool. The first one was started by my friend, Mike McBride, over at Child Abuse Survivor. The group is The Child Abuse Survivors ning. Won't you come over and join us? There's room for survivors, supporters, blogging, forums, chats, photo posting, etc. It is so cool and it's a very supportive group. Check it out. You can go over and join up by clicking the widget I've got (back up, thank you very much) on my sidebar there.
Another network ning group I'm starting to get to know and enjoy is called Coach Creative Space. My friend, Denise, turned me on to it. So far, I've been doing some down-and-dirty poetry and posting it over there. They give lots of feedback and support--and I don't even consider myself a real poet!
Yesterday, we got a "prompt" to write a 15-word poem. I'd been thinking about all the "good, bad, and the ugly" of life lately and so I went to my dot com site, where I have a page called "Healing Moments" under the "My Story" area. I went back and read over a place where I was talking about life being the light and the dark, and all the gray in between. I decided to pull a 15-word poem out of it.
A Both/And Life
Head down closed
Sinking black pit
Light dark, here now
Life is all of it.
Thanks, Coach Creative Space peeps! You helped motivate me to do something productive and helped me work on seeing the "both/and" of life a little bit better!
You know what else helps me feel better again and again? All you bloggy buddies stopping by with words of encouragement and support. I have finally gotten started in updating my blog and my dot com site and I have a lot of new links on my sidebar. They're marked with a "*New*." Go check 'em out!
Last but certainly not least--actually the most important to me right now--is The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. We have another new host for our next edition! Yay! It's Nancy over at Heal and Forgive. Thanks so much for stepping up to the plate, Nancy! She's got her first call for submissions over at this post of hers, here. Please go check out her blog and consider joining us for the next edition of the carnival. It will run on Friday, February 6, with the deadline for submissions set at Wednesday, February 4. Let's all get our submissions together and send them in!
January 22, 2009
Maybe it's just PMS, I don't know. Well, anyway. Sometimes when I feel all frustrated and fed up like like this, I have to get it out in a poem. So here's one:
This world has not
Been kind to me
I've never fit in here
I'm wrong about that
So it seems
My vision's just not clear
And my neck is weak
It's not strong enough
To lift my face from the dirt
I can't look up
And see my dreams
My heart has been too hurt.
Copyright 2009, Marj McCabe, all rights reserved
There. Now. Maybe, now that I've gotten that out, I can get on with some other, bloggy logistics tomorrow. Thank you for letting me vent. And...thanks to everyone who gave me advice or at least commiserated with me on my blogging technical frustrations. You guys rock, as always!
January 17, 2009
Today, I discovered that I could switch from Blogger's old "template" format on my blog to the newer "layout" format. I finally found a way to display my archives the way I want. I didn't like having every month from the beginning of my blog--2005!--displayed, tumbling all the way down on my sidebar. I can also direct readers to various posts by category/label; I like that. I also can now do a little font and color formatting that I couldn't do before. Oh, and I really like the new "following/follower" widget thingy. These are the things I gain with the switch.
Unfortunately, I don't think these things are worth what I lost: All the awards I've ever received, the Cluster Maps graphic (which is the only thing close to site meter statistics I've ever used) and the widgets for The Child Abuse Survivor Network and for the Blog Carnival. (This last one is very imporant to me.)
Does anybody have some advice for this cyber klutz? Maybe I'm just missing something that's so obvious to other bloggers out there who are more savvy than I am.
January 10, 2009
I Resolve to Comfort my Inner Child
At my therapist appointment on Thursday, my T said, "You know the actual physical trauma of child abuse gets overlooked and neglected in therapy quite a bit. We focus so much on the emotional trauma and working on feelings, that we don't spend much time on the physical part. As a little girl, you were very, very hurt physically. And most of the time your physical injuries were ignored and received no medical attention."
After she said that, I realized the childhood memory that my recent injury was reminding me of. It wasn't an abuse injury, but the incident reminds me of how many times my childhood injuries and/or illnesses were ignored, overlooked and not attended to in any appropriate, parenting sort of way.
My parents had divorced and, being the upstanding, attentive, appropriate, sane father that he was, dear old "Dad" got full visitation rights with us kids. He had his old, red, two-door jalopy parked in our driveway, waiting to take us to his place for our "visit." I remember that it was winter and there was snow on the ground. My older brother was already seated in the front seat, and my twin sister and I were scooting into the back seat when it happened.
I remember we were all in a hurry to get out of there (even if it was to be with our monster father) because our parents were yelling across the yard at each other: It was the same old topic of, "Where's the child support money?" I got into the back seat first. In her haste to get in after me and close the door behind her, my sister accidentally slammed one of my hands in the heavy car door. I immediately began to wail in pain, while my sister and brother scrambled to get the door back open and release my hand.
My father was oblivious to all this commotion. Instead, he chose this exact moment to zero in and focus on a tiny hole in the knee of my pants, about the size of a dime. Immediately he began to rage. "What the hell do you think you're doing, dressing like this for your visit with me?! Of all the hard-earned money I send to your mother every month, she can't dress you any better than this?! You both have a lot of nerve! Go in and change your clothes immediately! We're not going anywhere with you dressed in rags!" I remember his words and the look of disbelief and outrage on his face. The details of what happened next, however, are rather a blur.
I know my hand hurt like hell. I know all three of us kids did go back inside the house. I know my parents kept on yelling until my father finally drove away alone. I know I did not receive any medical attention--parental attention of any kind--for my smashed hand. There was no emergency room, no doctor's call, no ice pack, nothing. I think I went into the bathroom and ran some cold water in the sink to soothe my throbbing hand.
Now, with a broken rib, all you can do is wait for it to heal. You're not put into a cast. About all you can do is ice it down and take pain meds. It takes about six to eight weeks--and you wait and wait--to get back to normal activity while your ribs heal. That's about all I can do.
There's not much else to be done on this rib issue, when it comes to my healthy, present day self care. But, I started thinking that there are so many ways I can nurture and heal my inner child. This remembrance is an opportunity for me to mourn my lost and neglected childhood and to grieve for the emotional and physical pain that I, as a little girl, had to endure alone. What types of nurturing and basic care did you not receive from the people who were supposed to be your parents?
Hhmmm...let's start a list. Mothering we didn’t get: reassurance, warmth, comfort, empathy, compassion, protection, optimism, confidence, faith, songs, rocking, attachment, holding, gentleness, patience, allowance, acceptance, guidance, safety, reliability, consistency, TLC, caring, attention, medical attention, adoration, play, wisdom, tenderness, joy, trust, LOVE, unconditional love, nurturing, delight...
Delight. Yes. Don't you like that one? Is it so much to ask that a mother actually take delight in her precious child? It comes so easily for me with my own beautiful son. The day I brought my tiny newborn home from the hospital was about the most elated I've ever been in my life. I was so delighted with my new child. Why was it such an overwhelming burden and impossibility for my own mother?
This is one of the reasons why I did what many may consider an odd thing--I bought a baby doll and I sing to her. In a mindful and sincere way, I sing to my inner child: "You're my beautiful baby girl. You're an angel in this world. You're adorable. My beautiful baby girl."
Using my motherly list I started above, I wrote a poem, which I can also put to music in my head and sing to my inner child. Here it is:
Nurture My Soul
I love you
Let me comfort you
It’s okay to cry
I’ll protect you
It’s safe now for you to rest
Lay your head down
Here’s my shoulder
I will stroke your hair
You can show me
I will dress your wounds
Close your eyes
I will stay with you
No need to hide
It’s safe for you now
You can be you with me
Run to me
When you’re scared
I will protect you
You can feel
Even your rage
It is safe with me
You are beautiful
The way you are
I find great joy in you
I am patient
With your not knowing
And I will show you how
My arms are open
Fall into them
I will gently rock you
Be still; I’ll sing to you
Everyone has fears
But the world can be a wonderful place
I’ll help you to see that It’ll be okay.
Copyright 2009 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved