December 23, 2006

 

A Christmas Carnival

Lisa at Sadly Normal has created an outstanding carnival for our December (7th) Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I participated, as I always do and so did returning bloggers at Thriver's Toolbox, Blessed Fearscapes, Child Abuse Survivor and Doing It All Again. There are many new bloggers to the carnival as well, with names like More4Kids, About Abuse, Fight Back Against Rape, Child Protection: Serious Business, and Stand Up Guys. This is a truly an amazing carnival edition with over 25 entries. Please make sure you go check it out here and give these courageous bloggers your comments and support.

Happy Holidays, everyone. I count you among my most appreciated blessings.

December 20, 2006

 

Blizzards & Blog Carnivals

After a lot of hard work, lack of support and validation and just plain rudeness, I finally made some interview appointments with a couple of new therapists. Unfortunately, the holiday blizzard of '06 has hit here in Colorado. My appointment today got cancelled and the one I had scheduled for tomorrow will most likely as well.

Sorry this is late, but here's a reminder for the deadline for the 7th edition (December) of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. The deadline is midnight tonight for the 12/23/06 post at Sadly Normal. You can go to
www.blogcarnival.com or www.sadlynormal.wordpress.com for more details. Please give Lisa at Sadly Normal all the support you can. I'm sure she'll be a great host for this edition. Thanks, Lisa!

December 06, 2006

 

An Inner Child's Grief and Loss

Yep, I'm still alive. Not quite sure in what form...but I'm alive. To be perfectly honest, I'm trying to figure out how to just be alive and be me...whoever that is.

Right now, I'm between therapists and trying to continue, on my own, some of the trauma work that I learned about when I was down at the Ross Trauma Program in Dallas. They were big on writing letters down there. So far, I've found the letter exercises quite helpful, even if they are, usually, excruciatingly painful.

Right now, I'm in the middle of working on a handout called, "Grief and Loss Letter to Myself." I don't know where the Dallas folks got this handout, so I apologize for the lack of credit for this. Here are the sentence starters, or prompts, they gave us:
  1. I never understood why my parents...
  2. I needed someone to understand...
  3. If my tears could have talked they would have said...
  4. If my anger could have spoken it would have said...
  5. What I needed the most and never got was...
  6. What I need to hear now to feel loved is...

So far, I've worked on numbers one through three. Below is what I've got so far. Please be careful when reading this, there may be some triggers and, in the beginning, there is some swearing.

I never understood why my parents thought their kids were such a pain in the ass and a burden. I never understood why my parents treated me like I was no good and a piece of shit. I never understood why my parents even had children...just to have free servants? I never understood why my parents never showed any interest in or support for things I was good at and showed interest in. I never understood why my parents couldn't see my precious innocence, beauty, light, adorable cuteness, sweetness...or how hard I tried to be a good girl. I never understood why my parents couldn't tell how much I loved them. I never understood why my parents never thought anything I did was ever good enough, why I wasn't good enough. (I would love to have a kid like me!) I never understood why my parents always had to humiliate me. I never understood why my parents tried to break me. Why did they want me broken? Why would they want a broken daughter? I never understood why my parents couldn't see me for who I really was, separate from my twin.

I needed someone to understand that I was more than just a twin. I needed someone to understand how hard I was trying. I needed someone to understand how scared I was. I needed someone to understand how much pain I was in. I needed someone to understand that I had feelings and I needed to express them. I needed someone to understand that I was just a child and I needed love and protection. I needed someone to understand that I was innocent and it wasn't my fault. I needed someone to understand that I was just a kid and I needed time and space to be safe and just play and explore and be a kid. Just because I was good at taking care of everyone else didn't mean it was right. I needed someone to understand that I had lots of light and love in my heart and it shouldn't have been abused and destroyed. I needed someone to understand that I was really smart, but my self-esteem was low and I needed someone to believe in me and encourage me and support me instead of just squashing me down more and more.

If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I love you. Please don't hurt me." If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I'm a good girl. Quit treating me like I'm bad, dirty and evil." If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I hurt so bad I want to die. You're killing me!" If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I'm your daughter, quit breaking my heart and my spirit more and more every day." If my tears could have talked they would have said, "Mommy, Daddy, I'm your precious little Marji. I'm your hope for the future and your angel sent from heaven. Don't you remember? Don't you recognize me?" If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I'm a precious, adorable child. Don't you just want to hug me, caress my soft cheeks and cherish me? Why not?" If my tears could have talked they would have said, "I'm a divine, light-filled spirit, I came here so we could love each other and be one. Why are you trying to murder my soul?"

As you might imagine, the first three parts of this letter took a lot out of me. Next, I get to go on to ANGER! Yeah!

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